Countless

[heslopian]

Twice in a fortnight my family's gathered to celebrate birthdays.
Today I heard a cheer through my bathroom window;
other families are having other celebrations,
and so the unimportance of a single life is proven to me.
We are all born, then loved or hated, then die,
from the cruellest monster to the frailest girl,
spinning like dancers through barbecues and tea parties,
a little older each time. Nothing is immortal or alone.

[billy]

have you put this one up before ?

[heslopian]

I put it up on the Facebook page

[rowens]

"Nothing is immortal or alone." Is that a play off another saying, or is it from scratch?
It carries the whole poem on its back.

[heslopian]

It wasn't a deliberate reference to any specific quote or passage, if that's what you mean. Thanks for the feedback

[billy]

Twice in a fortnight my family's gathered to celebrate birthdays.
Today I heard a cheer through my bathroom window;
other families are having other celebrations,
and so the unimportance of a single life is proven to me.
We are all born, then loved or hated, then die,
from the cruellest monster to the frailest girl,
spinning like dancers through barbecues and tea parties,
a little older each time. Nothing is immortal or alone.

bugger me, i forgot to leave feedback sorry jack.

it's a very cynical look at life but it's well articulated.
i wondered about L6 and did it help the piece but only because i'm struggling to give any constructive feedback apart from i like it. sometimes liking a poem can become a problem for me in that i try and force myself to find something that needs fixing. here i noticed the problem is mine but now i wonder if i'm the same on other poems .

thanks for the read jack.

[addy]

I like this piece a lot Jack. I think the poem really hits its stride in L4... something about the first couple of lines is still phrased in a way that strikes me as minutely unwieldy, though conceptually it works well. How about "...// today there is a cheer through my bathroom window//"? Just a very tiny nit. Thanks for the read

Twice in a fortnight my family's gathered to celebrate birthdays.
Today I heard a cheer through my bathroom window;
other families are having other celebrations,
and so the unimportance of a single life is proven to me.
We are all born, then loved or hated, then die,
from the cruellest monster to the frailest girl,
spinning like dancers through barbecues and tea parties,
a little older each time. Nothing is immortal or alone.

[heslopian]

Thank you Billy and Addy for your feedback People who've read this poem at DU have said it's cynical, but I thought it was relatively kind when I wrote it. I guess that speaks for my own horrid jadedness

[billy]

i don't see anything kind about it.

the unimportance of a single life ...
though i grant you the last word "alone" is lightly warming in it's context

[addy]

I suppose it is kind, for a given definition of "kind".... everyone has a place in this world, for better or worse. It is indeed almost a nice sentiment.

[heslopian]

I originally said it was relatively hopeful, but that didn't feel like the right word. Maybe it is just cynical... I feel like it's less aggressive than some of my poems though, which is maybe what I wanted to say.

[billy]

i think that's a fair comment, it's certainly not aggressive

[tectak]

Twice in a fortnight my family's gathered to celebrate birthdays.
Today I heard a cheer through my bathroom window;
other families are having other celebrations,
and so the unimportance of a single life is proven to me.
We are all born, then loved or hated, then die,
from the cruellest monster to the frailest girl,
spinning like dancers through barbecues and tea parties,
a little older each time. Nothing is immortal or alone.

Hijack,
I have read the crits and do not fancy having a poke at this one BECAUSE it is a recurring thought which I, too, have but find it very difficult to express in verse....it is perhaps one of those thoughts which cannot be expressed without giving up too much of one's innermost self. I tried to get it out once with my "Soul trader", posted on this site I think, which ends:
"Yet is one man so very like another,
that difference makes no matter in the round?
And is it he, the one you thought you cried for,
or just another, dead upon the ground."
Sorry to plagiarise myself on your thread but this is the nearest you will get to flattery
I like it for all the wrong reasons and for all the right reasons I will say no more.
Best,
tectak

[heslopian]

Thank you for the kind feedback tectak, and I like your verse very much