AnnaLisa198111111
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Something I am working on
* I hunger for you but you do not feel the same, what am I to do? I feel oppressed now.
* Does my own heart deceive me?
* Tell me you yearn for me too, I stand by watching while others are you with, shameful on my part I know.
* I waste my time hanging onto "maybe"
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Joined: Dec 2012
I think this is a really emotional and passionate poem, I definitely feel the pain, it's very evocative. I think there are a few stylistic issues. In the first line "what am I to do?" should be a new sentence (at least, it is a new clause, so if not a full stop, there should be a semicolon in place of the comma). When you say "I feel oppressed", I think this could be expressed without reference to an abstract emotion - maybe write how the oppression feels, rather than just that it's there. Also, the third line could be condensed - it feels a little run on... Something like "Tell me you yearn for me too. I stand by watching, shamed." seems to scan better.
Definitely I think the emotional voice in the poem is very strong though.
Posts: 2,360
Threads: 230
Joined: Oct 2010
(03-23-2013, 04:37 AM)AnnaLisa198111111 Wrote: Something I am working on
* I hunger for you but you do not feel the same, what am I to do? I feel oppressed now.
* Does my own heart deceive me?
* Tell me you yearn for me too, I stand by watching while others are you with, shameful on my part I know.
* I waste my time hanging onto "maybe"
These feel like notes you'd use to construct a poem, not the poem itself.
So, one person wants the other person to reciprocate what they feel. You could play with the hunger image a bit.
I imagined candlelight.
You were incandescent.
I wanted a quiet dinner.
You were an all-you can eat buffet.
Just thoughts.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
AnnaLisa198111111
Unregistered
Thanks for the Feedback sorta new to this stuff.
(03-23-2013, 04:47 AM)DoReMi Wrote: I think this is a really emotional and passionate poem, I definitely feel the pain, it's very evocative. I think there are a few stylistic issues. In the first line "what am I to do?" should be a new sentence (at least, it is a new clause, so if not a full stop, there should be a semicolon in place of the comma). When you say "I feel oppressed", I think this could be expressed without reference to an abstract emotion - maybe write how the oppression feels, rather than just that it's there. Also, the third line could be condensed - it feels a little run on... Something like "Tell me you yearn for me too. I stand by watching, shamed." seems to scan better.
Definitely I think the emotional voice in the poem is very strong though.
Thank you for the reply.
