Chiromancy

[Crepuscule]

Okay, I've gone back on what I said and drafted a new edit. The observant will notice I've attempted to formalize it. It's not finished yet, but I'd appreciate opinions on whether it's worth continuing with.

Edit 2.0

I woke and lay and watched the nascent sun,
dilute the screen of darkness as it crept.
Forms emerged from shadow as it shone
I traced the lines on your hand as you slept.
Your beaded heart line, red and emerging --
"emotional", "flirtatious", "passionate".
Your broken life line spoke of suffering;
an indistinct and clouded line of fate.
But on your wrists, concealed by beads and thread,
where rascettes indicate longevity,
new lines, fresh-scarred and faded pink. They said
you'd tried to cut away despondency.

more to come





Edit 1.5.1

Chiromancy

I woke and lay and watched
the nascent sun seeping,
diluting the screen of dark.
Forms emerging --
your arms and your hands.
I read your fortune as you slept.

I traced the lines.
Head line, heart line,
fate and, below the rest,
concealed by beads and
woven thread:
bracelet rascettes, augmented.
Carved from Venus to the Moon.
Epithelialized.
Stretched, still-pink, fading.

You woke and smiled and
I smiled back.
But I knew your smile was newborn,
vulnerable. Exposed.
I held you and said nothing.[/small]

[size=x-small]Original:

I woke and lay and watched
The nascent blushing sun
Penetrate the room.
Nebulous forms emerging,
Your arms and your hands.
I read your fortune as you slept.

I traced the lines.
Head line, heart line,
Fate and, below the rest,
Eclipsed by beads and
Woven thread:
Rascette, augmented.
Etched from Venus to the Moon.
Epithelialized.
Stretched, still-pink, fading.

You woke and smiled and
I smiled back.
But I knew your smile was newborn,
Vulnerable. Exposed.
I held you and said nothing.

[milo]

there is some here that is quite good, and some that is not.

I woke and lay and watched

fine so far

The nascent blushing sun

this is just awful. It is blushingly faux-poetic

Penetrate the room.

yah, sex sells, we get it

Nebulous forms emerging,

once again - nebulous forms? - yuck

Your arms and your hands.
I read your fortune as you slept.

while this is quite good


I traced the lines.
Head line, heart line,
Fate and, below the rest,
Eclipsed by beads and
Woven thread:
Rascette, augmented.
Etched from Venus to the Moon.
Epithelialized.
Stretched, still-pink, fading.

much of this is very good. I am not so hot on "Eclipsed" or "beneath the rest" but the rest is good


You woke and smiled and
I smiled back.
But I knew your smile was newborn,
Vulnerable. Exposed.
I held you and said nothing.

Vulnerable and exposed is a little hamfisted but it would probably pass through

Overall, not a bad first draft, you still have some work to do. Focus on the details, that is what makes it fun

good luck

milo

[billy]

shamefully, i had to google the title

are comma's needed when you use two and in succession as you have twice? in places, i'd like more, at present i see you watching her in the dawn's sun, possibly reading her palm, and she wakes. she's vulnerable, i know this because you tell me so but why? what makes this reading or morning special? the poem isn't bad but it leaves me thinking, is that it? while some poems like that work, it seems you put too much into this one for it to say just that. maybe drastically shorten it or build it up and show us something a bit more in depth.

I woke and lay and watched normally i'd say cut the first and but here it works in setting up a mood
The nascent blushing sun, is blushing needed? though i can see blushing as ruddy.
Penetrate the room. should it be penetrates
Nebulous forms emerging,
Your arms and your hands. (are these the nebulous forms)?
I read your fortune as you slept. is there a conflict of tense? would sleep work better?

I traced the lines.
Head line, heart line,
Fate and, below the rest,
Eclipsed by beads and
Woven thread:
Rascette, augmented.
Etched from Venus to the Moon.
Epithelialized. not sure the word choice here works, or is there an old wound we don't know of?
Stretched, still-pink, fading.

You woke and smiled and
I smiled back.
But I knew your smile was newborn, is but needed
Vulnerable. Exposed.
I held you and said nothing.

[Crepuscule]

there is some here that is quite good, and some that is not.

I woke and lay and watched

fine so far

The nascent blushing sun

this is just awful. It is blushingly faux-poetic

Penetrate the room.

yah, sex sells, we get it

Nebulous forms emerging,

once again - nebulous forms? - yuck

Your arms and your hands.
I read your fortune as you slept.

while this is quite good


I traced the lines.
Head line, heart line,
Fate and, below the rest,
Eclipsed by beads and
Woven thread:
Rascette, augmented.
Etched from Venus to the Moon.
Epithelialized.
Stretched, still-pink, fading.

much of this is very good. I am not so hot on "Eclipsed" or "beneath the rest" but the rest is good


You woke and smiled and
I smiled back.
But I knew your smile was newborn,
Vulnerable. Exposed.
I held you and said nothing.

Vulnerable and exposed is a little hamfisted but it would probably pass through

Overall, not a bad first draft, you still have some work to do. Focus on the details, that is what makes it fun

good luck

milo

Thanks, milo.

I'm trying too hard to set the scene in the first stanza. I'll rework some of it and get rid of the pretentiousness.

---

shamefully, i had to google the title

are comma's needed when you use two and in succession as you have twice? in places, i'd like more, at present i see you watching her in the dawn's sun, possibly reading her palm, and she wakes. she's vulnerable, i know this because you tell me so but why? what makes this reading or morning special?

It is there in the poem, but maybe too subtle. I think you almost got it (it's definitely not about palmistry):

I traced the lines.
Head line, heart line,
Fate and, below the rest,
Eclipsed by beads and
Woven thread:
Rascette, augmented.
Etched from Venus to the Moon.
Epithelialized. not sure the word choice here works, or is there an old wound we don't know of?
Stretched, still-pink, fading.

Yes... some of the lines are more recent than others ("still-pink"... very recent). Hence the "new-born" and "vulnerable" smile. The "rascettes" are the lines across your wrist, and the narrator has discovered what's hidden under those bracelets. The need for explanation, I guess, indicates failure.

Originally I had "carved" instead of "etched" but thought it too direct. Maybe it would be better.

I don't think there is a conflict of tense... it should all be past tense (past progressive in places)

[Crepuscule]

New edit...

[PoetryAndPhysics]

Hello Crepuscule. Well written, also it’s always good to pick up a few new terms, though I read your poem side by side with an image from google labeling all the lines…

I woke and lay and watched
The nascent sun seeping,
Diluting the screen of dark:
Forms emerging...
Your arms and your hands.
I read your fortune as you slept.

Not much to add on S1, I like your two sun lines. Woke presupposes laying (unless we’re talking about horses) so perhaps the “and lay” can be nixed (and more than just woke and watched).

I traced the lines.
Head line, heart line,
Fate and, below the rest,
Concealed by beads and
Woven thread:
Bracelet rascettes, augmented.
Carved from Venus to the Moon.
Epithelialized.
Stretched, still-pink, fading.

I like your descriptions, but it sometimes feels like S2 is just a list of lines. Also, google tells me that bracelets and rascettes are synonyms, maybe only keep the latter.

You woke and smiled and
I smiled back.
But I knew your smile was newborn,
Vulnerable. Exposed.
I held you and said nothing.

I’d like to know more between the palm reading part and the hug. What did the narrator find (for example)? You just say the narrator is vulnerable without anything else…

Think that's all for now. Good idea for a poem, and edit does look better than the original

Gary

[JBird]

Hi Crepuscule,

Let me start by applauding you on your effort, and the overall picture that your poem portrays of having given birth and continually doting on your newborn child.

For me personally, I tend to steer away from poetry that includes the over-use of pompous wording as I find it detracts from the reading experience if one has to reach for a dictionary every few paragraphs. This piece isn't too bad aside from a few instances, including the heading unfortunately.
It might pay to remember that just because you know what something means doesn't necessarily mean that everyone else does; also that the use of astronomical words doesn't automatically make a poem, a poem.

Punctuation needs refinement also.

Edit 1.5

Chiromancy

A simpler, albeit catchy title may appeal to your audience better.

I woke and lay and watched
The nascent sun seeping,
Diluting the screen of dark:
Forms emerging...
Your arms and your hands.
I read your fortune as you slept.

Colon use is wrong as it isn't referring to explanation, expansion, enumeration, or elaboration.
Ellipses use is also wrong, for a pause effect-- try using a double dash.
I'm sure there would also be lots of other forms emerging: in line 1 you say you woke & watched, maybe you could specify that you were watching "someone" in particular.

I traced the lines.
Head line, heart line,
Fate and, below the rest,
Concealed by beads and
Woven thread:
Bracelet rascettes, augmented.
Carved from Venus to the Moon.
Epithelialized.
Stretched, still-pink, fading.

Colon use incorrect.
Had to look up the word "Epithelialized" to be honest and I can't see how it fits at all as it refers to membranous cellular tissue concerning animals or plants. I know technically humans are animals, but I'd bet there's a better word choice out there. Unfortunately I don't understand the reference to Venus and the Moon?
The confusing part to me here is whether or not the child is actually newborn as in the first stanza you imply that you're laying and watching as the child slept, therefore how can it still be covered in epithelium?
"Still-pink" — Why is this hyphenated?

You woke and smiled and
I smiled back.
But I knew your smile was newborn,
Vulnerable. Exposed.
I held you and said nothing.

I like this stanza

[milo]

waking and then lay down again: lie would be a better choice.

"lie would be grammatically incorrect due to tense disagreement.

milo

[Truerenigma]

]

Edit 1.5

Chiromancy

I woke and lay and watched
The nascent sun seeping,
Diluting the screen of dark:
Forms emerging...
Your arms and your hands.
I read your fortune as you slept.
this isn't too bad but were is the sun seeping to? I keep wanting to read it as seeping in, or into the room, or to dilute the screen of darkness. And 'I woke and lay and watched is iambic, when the following line is not. Simply 'I woke and lay watching would match better, meter- wise.
I traced the lines.
Head line, heart line,
Fate and, below the rest,
Concealed by beads and
Woven thread:
Bracelet rascettes, augmented.
Carved from Venus to the Moon.
Epithelialized.
Stretched, still-pink, fading. is this a sentence?

You woke and smiled and
I smiled back.
But I knew your smile was newborn,
Vulnerable. Exposed.
I held you and said nothing.
simple and sweet, but is this an actual newborn or is it a metaphor, because if it were a newborn wouldn't it be Obvious that the newborn wasn't going to say anything?












Original:

I woke and lay and watched
The nascent blushing sun
Penetrate the room.
Nebulous forms emerging,
Your arms and your hands.
I read your fortune as you slept.

I traced the lines.
Head line, heart line,
Fate and, below the rest,
Eclipsed by beads and
Woven thread:
Rascette, augmented.
Etched from Venus to the Moon.
Epithelialized.
Stretched, still-pink, fading.

You woke and smiled and
I smiled back.
But I knew your smile was newborn,
Vulnerable. Exposed.
I held you and said nothing.

That's all I've got really, thanks for posting.
Sorry I can't be much more helpful with this, because I'm not exactly sure what your trying to say. You read a child's palm? Is there more to it than that? Am I missing something? It's quite possible, I'm exausted.

[JBird]

waking and then lay down again: lie would be a better choice.

"lie would be grammatically incorrect due to tense disagreement.

milo

lie: to be or to stay at rest in a horizontal position : be prostrate : rest, recline
lay: past of lie; to put or set down

laid: past and past participle of lay

If anything laid would fit also, correct?

[Truerenigma]

Oops ok ' i held you and said nothing.' For some reason i read it as 'i held you and you said nothing'. Sorry about that.

[milo]

waking and then lay down again: lie would be a better choice.

"lie would be grammatically incorrect due to tense disagreement.

milo

lie: to be or to stay at rest in a horizontal position : be prostrate : rest, recline
lay: past of lie; to put or set down

laid: past and past participle of lay

If anything laid would fit also, correct?

laid would be grammatically incorrect. The poem takes place in the past. You have to use the past tense of the active verb "lie" which is "lay". Laid is past tense of "lay" which is a transitive verb. You can lay something down but you can never lay down, you can only lie down.

[JBird]

Ah! See now I most likely would've used lie which as it turns out would've been wrong. I stand corrected and can walk away saying that I've learnt something new today

Brings back memories of yesteryear with the old which witch is witch, or there, their & they're.

Will rectify my original post and apologies to Crepuscule for the confusion.

[Crepuscule]

simple and sweet, but is this an actual newborn or is it a metaphor, because if it were a newborn wouldn't it be Obvious that the newborn wasn't going to say anything?

That's all I've got really, thanks for posting.
Sorry I can't be much more helpful with this, because I'm not exactly sure what your trying to say. You read a child's palm? Is there more to it than that? Am I missing something? It's quite possible, I'm exausted.

I've considered ditching this poem a couple of times. It's maybe too subtle. It's not a child. It's the smile that is new-born.

I'll give a brief synopsis:

The narrator wakes in a not-entirely familiar room.
It's dark. He watches the dawn brighten the room and bring form to shapes including his partner who is still asleep.
He looks at her hand and reads her palm.
He notices that there is recently-healed scar tissue on her wrists.
She wakes and smiles, but he knows that she wasn't smiling recently and doesn't know how to deal with it... so he doesn't.

---

Hello Crepuscule. Well written, also it’s always good to pick up a few new terms, though I read your poem side by side with an image from google labeling all the lines…

I woke and lay and watched
The nascent sun seeping,
Diluting the screen of dark:
Forms emerging...
Your arms and your hands.
I read your fortune as you slept.

Not much to add on S1, I like your two sun lines. Woke presupposes laying (unless we’re talking about horses) so perhaps the “and lay” can be nixed (and more than just woke and watched).
"lay" is there to emphasise that that the narrator woke and stayed where he was.

I traced the lines.
Head line, heart line,
Fate and, below the rest,
Concealed by beads and
Woven thread:
Bracelet rascettes, augmented.
Carved from Venus to the Moon.
Epithelialized.
Stretched, still-pink, fading.

I like your descriptions, but it sometimes feels like S2 is just a list of lines. Also, google tells me that bracelets and rascettes are synonyms, maybe only keep the latter.
Rascettes are the creased lines on your wrists. I added bracelets to hint at what I was talking about for those who are unfamiliar with the terminology... maybe not necessary?

You woke and smiled and
I smiled back.
But I knew your smile was newborn,
Vulnerable. Exposed.
I held you and said nothing.

I’d like to know more between the palm reading part and the hug. What did the narrator find (for example)? You just say the narrator is vulnerable without anything else…

The smile is vulnerable, not the narrator

Think that's all for now. Good idea for a poem, and edit does look better than the original

Gary

Thank you.

---

Hi Crepuscule,

Let me start by applauding you on your effort, and the overall picture that your poem portrays of having given birth and continually doting on your newborn child.

That's not really what I was after, there's no children in this poem! please see the synopsis above.

For me personally, I tend to steer away from poetry that includes the over-use of pompous wording as I find it detracts from the reading experience if one has to reach for a dictionary every few paragraphs. This piece isn't too bad aside from a few instances, including the heading unfortunately.
It might pay to remember that just because you know what something means doesn't necessarily mean that everyone else does; also that the use of astronomical words doesn't automatically make a poem, a poem.

Punctuation needs refinement also.

Edit 1.5

Chiromancy

A simpler, albeit catchy title may appeal to your audience better.
I'll think about that one... I agree, it's probably too obscure


I woke and lay and watched
The nascent sun seeping,
Diluting the screen of dark:
Forms emerging...
Your arms and your hands.
I read your fortune as you slept.

Colon use is wrong as it isn't referring to explanation, expansion, enumeration, or elaboration.
Ellipses use is also wrong, for a pause effect-- try using a double dash.
I'm sure there would also be lots of other forms emerging: in line 1 you say you woke & watched, maybe you could specify that you were watching "someone" in particular.
The colon is supposed to be for expansion in this case.
There are other forms emerging, but the narrator isn't looking at the wardrobe.

I traced the lines.
Head line, heart line,
Fate and, below the rest,
Concealed by beads and
Woven thread:
Bracelet rascettes, augmented.
Carved from Venus to the Moon.
Epithelialized.
Stretched, still-pink, fading.

Colon use incorrect.
Had to look up the word "Epithelialized" to be honest and I can't see how it fits at all as it refers to membranous cellular tissue concerning animals or plants. I know technically humans are animals, but I'd bet there's a better word choice out there. Unfortunately I don't understand the reference to Venus and the Moon?
Epithelialized = healed tissue. A specific point of scar formation. Mound of Venus = the lowest part of the palm on the thumb side. Mound of the Moon = the lowest part of the palm on the other side. Carved from Venus to the Moon = self-harm, cut wrists.
The confusing part to me here is whether or not the child is actually newborn as in the first stanza you imply that you're laying and watching as the child slept, therefore how can it still be covered in epithelium?
"Still-pink" — Why is this hyphenated?
Is it the "newborn" bit in the next stanza that gives the impression that I'm talking about a child?

You woke and smiled and
I smiled back.
But I knew your smile was newborn,
Vulnerable. Exposed.
I held you and said nothing.

I like this stanza

Thanks for the comments... I'll tackle the grammar later.

[tectak]

Edit 1.5

Chiromancy

I woke and lay and watched
The nascent sun seeping,
Diluting the screen of dark:
Forms emerging...
Your arms and your hands.
I read your fortune as you slept.

I traced the lines.
Head line, heart line,
Fate and, below the rest,
Concealed by beads and
Woven thread:
Bracelet rascettes, augmented.
Carved from Venus to the Moon.
Epithelialized.
Stretched, still-pink, fading.

You woke and smiled and
I smiled back.
But I knew your smile was newborn,
Vulnerable. Exposed.
I held you and said nothing.


Hi crep,
a nice edit. To swap fungible terms with milo, there is now a lot more right than wrong...in fact, it has buffed up nicely. I would quite imploringly ask that you drop the 19th century habit of capitalising every line.It was never a good idea and has been pushed to extinction in the last 50 years. It serves no purpose and can be confusing. As you will know, I like meter, rhythm, rhyme and form in poetry...but have to make do with crumbs these days...as here. I am tired of hearing myself say sayi "Please do not think you have written a poem if all you have done is break text into random line-outs"
You have written:
You woke AND smiled AND
I smiled back.

Why and-and? Why the line break? What has it added to the piece?
As there is no attempt at rhyme or meter you are unconstrained:

You woke and smiled;
I smiled back

So yes to the concept, the gestalts, the cameos, perhaps the imagery...but sadly, I cannot get poetry out of it.
Does anyone care? Probably not
Best,
tectak












Original:

I woke and lay and watched
The nascent blushing sun
Penetrate the room.
Nebulous forms emerging,
Your arms and your hands.
I read your fortune as you slept.

I traced the lines.
Head line, heart line,
Fate and, below the rest,
Eclipsed by beads and
Woven thread:
Rascette, augmented.
Etched from Venus to the Moon.
Epithelialized.
Stretched, still-pink, fading.

You woke and smiled and
I smiled back.
But I knew your smile was newborn,
Vulnerable. Exposed.
I held you and said nothing.

[Truerenigma]

Edit 1.5

Chiromancy

I woke and lay and watched
The nascent sun seeping,
Diluting the screen of dark:
Forms emerging...
Your arms and your hands.
I read your fortune as you slept.

I traced the lines.
Head line, heart line,
Fate and, below the rest,
Concealed by beads and
Woven thread:
Bracelet rascettes, augmented.
Carved from Venus to the Moon.
Epithelialized.
Stretched, still-pink, fading.

You woke and smiled and
I smiled back.
But I knew your smile was newborn,
Vulnerable. Exposed.
I held you and said nothing.


Hi crep,
a nice edit. To swap fungible terms with milo, there is now a lot more right than wrong...in fact, it has buffed up nicely. I would quite imploringly ask that you drop the 19th century habit of capitalising every line.It was never a good idea and has been pushed to extinction in the last 50 years. It serves no purpose and can be confusing. As you will know, I like meter, rhythm, rhyme and form in poetry...but have to make do with crumbs these days...as here. I am tired of hearing myself say sayi "Please do not think you have written a poem if all you have done is break text into random line-outs"
You have written:
You woke AND smiled AND
I smiled back.

Why and-and? Why the line break? What has it added to the piece?
As there is no attempt at rhyme or meter you are unconstrained:

You woke and smiled;
I smiled back

So yes to the concept, the gestalts, the cameos, perhaps the imagery...but sadly, I cannot get poetry out of it.
Does anyone care? Probably not
Best,
tectak












Original:

I woke and lay and watched
The nascent blushing sun
Penetrate the room.
Nebulous forms emerging,
Your arms and your hands.
I read your fortune as you slept.

I traced the lines.
Head line, heart line,
Fate and, below the rest,
Eclipsed by beads and
Woven thread:
Rascette, augmented.
Etched from Venus to the Moon.
Epithelialized.
Stretched, still-pink, fading.

You woke and smiled and
I smiled back.
But I knew your smile was newborn,
Vulnerable. Exposed.
I held you and said nothing.

Yep. I missed it. I associated S2 L8 with scars and membranes related to birth. Why Carved from Venus to the moon, are these palm lines? If so wouldn't the cuts be on the wrist, not the palm?

[Crepuscule]

Yep. I missed it. I associated S2 L8 with scars and membranes related to birth. Why Carved from Venus to the moon, are these palm lines? If so wouldn't the cuts be on the wrist, not the palm?

They're adjacent to the area cut. It's really intended to indicate the carving motion:

[Image: http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-frgFXSu32ps/T9...y-hand.jpg]

Yep, not perfect, but close enough. It also holds onto the idea of reading palms and fortunes. In the end, the narrator is left knowing more about the future than he had bargained for.

Possibly.

[Crepuscule]

Hi crep,
a nice edit. To swap fungible terms with milo, there is now a lot more right than wrong...in fact, it has buffed up nicely. I would quite imploringly ask that you drop the 19th century habit of capitalising every line.It was never a good idea and has been pushed to extinction in the last 50 years. It serves no purpose and can be confusing. As you will know, I like meter, rhythm, rhyme and form in poetry...but have to make do with crumbs these days...as here. I am tired of hearing myself say sayi "Please do not think you have written a poem if all you have done is break text into random line-outs"
You have written:
You woke AND smiled AND
I smiled back.

Why and-and? Why the line break? What has it added to the piece?
As there is no attempt at rhyme or meter you are unconstrained:

You woke and smiled;
I smiled back

So yes to the concept, the gestalts, the cameos, perhaps the imagery...but sadly, I cannot get poetry out of it.
Does anyone care? Probably not
Best,
tectak

If it's the lack of meter and rhyme that is the issue for you, then I'm okay with that. I think.

I've got rid of the capitals. I'll try changing the "ands".

Thanks for the comments.

[JBird]

Sorry for the confusion, however that's the definitive impression that I got when reading your poem.
I think it's the lack of explanation mainly, there's no real sense of who the hands etc belong to: be it male. female, adult or child.
Then after looking up the meaning of the word epithelialized in Merriam-Webster and combining that with lines 6-9 of the second stanza it paints the picture of a newborn:

Bracelet rascettes = around the wrist?
Carved from Venus to he Moon. = Had no real idea what this meant: assumed it had something to do with a child's mobile hanging from the ceiling or something. Not having any prior knowledge of palm reading at all, there was no way for me to associate this with the palm.
Epithelialized = the process of becoming covered with or converted to epithelium.
Epithelium = 1) a membranous cellular tissue that covers a free surface or lines a tube or cavity of an animal body and serves especially to enclose and protect the other parts of the body, to produce secretions and excretions, and to function in assimilation
2) a usually thin layer of parenchyma that lines a cavity or tube of a plant [source Merriam-Webster]
Stretched, still-pink, fading. = newborns skin OR maybe the aforementioned epithelium.

Combine these thoughts with the whole third stanza and—to me—that definitely paints the picture of a newborn.

Sorry for the confusion.

[Crepuscule]

Sorry for the confusion.

Don't apologise. If there's confusion, the poem's the problem.