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Your silence dries my throat
as we sit behind the car windows.
The only sound echoing in my ears
is the air blowing out
from your pursed lips.
While I fiddle the keys hanging
in the ignition lock,
your stillwater eyes
gaze at the tangerine sunset,
as if you and the sun
have a secret
hidden beneath the horizon.
Angst fumes out of my half-baked sigh
until you turn to me smiling,
slipping your hands into mine.
You tell me your secret;
our fingers entwine.
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03-09-2010, 01:41 PM
(This post was last modified: 03-09-2010, 01:50 PM by billy.)
(03-09-2010, 09:44 AM)jdelacroix Wrote: Your silence dries my throat
as we sit behind the car windows.
The only sound echoing in my ears
is the air blowing out
from your half-pressed lips. this line feels awkward
As my fingers fiddle the keys hanging
behind the steering wheel, would "in the ignition lock" work better
your eyes, like stillwater, "your stillwater eyes"
gaze at the tangerine sunset. nice line
as if you and the sun
have a secret
hidden beneath the horizon.
Angst fumes out of my half-baked sigh "sigh" this is repetitive.
until you turn to me
smiling and slipping your hands comma instead of and
into mine.
You tell me your secret
as our fingers entwine.
for me the last two lines add nothing to the poem.
all in all a good effort. a little telly but it's no biggy. i think it could be improved with a few more images. it reads well, has a good flow and doesn't grate on the senses.
thanks for the read 
i know sigh has only been used once but the line;
is the air blowing out
from your half-pressed lips
feels too much like a sigh as well.
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Thanks  this is the kind of comment/critique I truly need. It's been weeks trying to figure out what's wrong with this poem.
I hope you don't mind, but cam you elaborate on the 5th
line, "from your half-pressed lips. this line feels awkward" for the sake of note taking Thank you
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(03-09-2010, 01:59 PM)jdelacroix Wrote: Thanks this is the kind of comment/critique I truly need. It's been weeks trying to figure out what's wrong with this poem.
I hope you don't mind, but cam you elaborate on the 5th
line, "from your half-pressed lips. this line feels awkward" for the sake of note taking Thank you
is the air blowing out
from your half-pressed lips.
what are her lips pressed against or on, each other? the glass? would from your pursed lips have read better. or something else. jmo.
glad to see yo can accept a comment
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No problem Bill! I found a hub for my drafts!
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(03-09-2010, 02:33 PM)jdelacroix Wrote: No problem Bill! I found a hub for my drafts!
i look forward to seeing some more.
others will comment as they get on line.
addy will prob comment tomorrow because she's busy as hell today
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Welcome to the poetry forum. Thanks for posting this piece... very nice. Has some good imagery in it. I could see it in my mind's eye, but I wish I could understand the emotional undercurrents in it more. At the beginning I thought the two characters had a fight, but then it becomes clear that only the speaker has a problem (with his companion?) while his companion seems quite happy. So I wan't really sure where the tension or angst was coming from. Or maybe the speaker is just needy 
I noticed you used "as" a lot (counted 4 lines beginning with it) so maybe you could try rephrasing some of it.
Overall I quite liked it
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
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No sweat Excited to see how you revise it.
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
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I made the revisions. This one was the hardest to revise. Other than the language due to the fact that this type of experience is culturally embedded. So I changed the title to "Ligawan" which is a word for traditional courtly love in the Philippines.
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(03-12-2010, 09:53 AM)jdelacroix Wrote: I made the revisions. This one was the hardest to revise. Other than the language due to the fact that this type of experience is culturally embedded. So I changed the title to "Ligawan" which is a word for traditional courtly love in the Philippines.
way to go JD.
i think we can be too picky at times. and i don't want to be. any poem, even great ones can be nibbled at. for me i think you did a great job of an edit. it reads much better for me. i know it sounds silly but taking out two of the as's makes a difference.
if i had one definite comment it would be that you have a tendency to let your sentences consume the stanzas. breaking them down into two or three smaller sentences within the stanza for me gives more body to a poem. anyway, well done on the edit.
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(03-12-2010, 11:33 AM)billy Wrote: (03-12-2010, 09:53 AM)jdelacroix Wrote: I made the revisions. This one was the hardest to revise. Other than the language due to the fact that this type of experience is culturally embedded. So I changed the title to "Ligawan" which is a word for traditional courtly love in the Philippines.
way to go JD.
i think we can be too picky at times. and i don't want to be. any poem, even great ones can be nibbled at. for me i think you did a great job of an edit. it reads much better for me. i know it sounds silly but taking out two of the as's makes a difference.
if i had one definite comment it would be that you have a tendency to let your sentences consume the stanzas. breaking them down into two or three smaller sentences within the stanza for me gives more body to a poem. anyway, well done on the edit.
Thank you very much bill *hands clasp bowing* You and Addy's critique is a big help in my path to being a good writer of this form of Creative Writing. Truly appreciate it.
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Good revision!
If you're having too much trouble editing a poem, it's also good to let it breathe for a while. We can comment on the critical aspects of it, but in the end it's down to you the poet and what you mean to express. After a short time, you can come back to this poem and appreciate it from a reader's point of view more than a writer's, which is what i think's important.
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
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