A Likely Story

[leftover sushi]

I see your eyes dart
down,
to the left.

I was born
infinite yesterdays ago.

You will be able to fool me
when you can catch a fly,
with chopsticks,
on your first try.

Grasshopper, grasshopper...
Your eyes are translucent.
I hardly need to sqint,
to see exactly what I'm looking for.

A bluff.

Go ahead sir.
Buy some more chips.
I'll be here all night.

I am a nocturnal shark,
and you, sir, are a sleeping tuna.

[SilverMire]

Not bad, but something I would really try to focus on for next time:

-Aim for a particular meter or rhyming scheme. You'd be amazed at what a difference this makes to readability and understandability.

Although, I have to say, I love the last two lines

[ScurryFunger]

I see your eyes dart
down,
to the left.

I was born
infinite yesterdays ago.

You will be able to fool me
when you can catch a fly,
with chopsticks,
on your first try.

Grasshopper, grasshopper...
Your eyes are translucent.
I hardly need to sqint,
to see exactly what I'm looking for.

A bluff.

Go ahead sir.
Buy some more chips.
I'll be here all night.

I am a nocturnal shark,
and you, sir, are a sleeping tuna.

I just kept thinking about Mr Myagi and then in the next line, David Carradine, was it meant to be an homage to the martial artists of film and tv?

Poker, night time feeders, fish in a can, what what what.

lol

Ahhhh, a likely story!

[BigRed]

Not bad, but something I would really try to focus on for next time:

-Aim for a particular meter or rhyming scheme. You'd be amazed at what a difference this makes to readability and understandability.

Although, I have to say, I love the last two lines

Respectfully, I would disagree. I was actually going to say I quite enjoyed the poem because it flowed so well without a particular rhyming scheme. In fact, I think that's the beauty of it because even sans a scheme of that sort, it still felt almost rhythmic, anyhow.

Personally, I am not a big fan of rhyming, as I used to be because I feel it constrains the poem too much and often contrives it.

I would suggest maybe playing around with another line instead of "I was born infinite yesterdays ago." Seems a tad generic to me. Otherwise, interesting work!

[newsclippings]

I think I had a poem with this title as well. Just thought it interesting.

[Keith]

I see your eyes dart
down,
to the left. This stanza would work better if it gave a sense of following the fly, so it needs a bit more movement like "then across to the right".

I was born
infinite yesterdays ago. not sure what this adds or means, is it needed ?

You will be able to fool me
when you can catch a fly,
with chopsticks,
on your first try. I like the Karate kid reference here

Grasshopper, grasshopper... what happened to the Ah ? and only need one Grasshopper
Your eyes are translucent.
I hardly need to sqint,
to see exactly what I'm looking for.

A bluff.

Go ahead sir.
Buy some more chips.
I'll be here all night.

I am a nocturnal shark,
and you, sir, are a sleeping tuna.

I like the film/TV references but it needs more to pull them together you say you are paying homage, I'm not sure this does that just yet. It is a great theme for a poem and one you could do a lot with. Best TOMH

[Titania]

I like this! The second, fourth, and last stanzas are my favorite. I have a problem with the second last though... with all that sushi talk, the chips sound out in left field to me. Whatever happened to soy sauce? haha...

[heslopian]

I see your eyes dart
down,
to the left.

I was born
infinite yesterdays ago.

You will be able to fool me
when you can catch a fly,
with chopsticks,
on your first try.

Grasshopper, grasshopper...
Your eyes are translucent.
I hardly need to sqint,
to see exactly what I'm looking for.

A bluff.

Go ahead sir.
Buy some more chips.
I'll be here all night.

I am a nocturnal shark,
and you, sir, are a sleeping tuna.

I must confess, I don't know what this poem is about. I have an idea that it's narrated by a predatory character who's about to close in on a target, but that's it. It has, however, an eloquence which I appreciate. Your lines are crisp and straightforward. I'd suggest adding more literal imagery (I feel like every image in this poem is a metaphor for something that hasn't been shared with me), or maybe just more objective narrative: explain what's literally happening, who's who etc. Critique is JMHO. Cheers for the read

[ellajam]

I was born
infinite yesterdays ago.

I loved this line, it made me smile. The whole poem did. I wasn't born yesterday either.

Wrong or right, I found a consistent clear meaning here, that smug feeling of standing across from some who thinks they are smooth but are clearly full of it.

Thanks for a fun read.

[OrganicPoetTree]

it really is good. Nothing negative to say about it at all. It's to the point and the end is pretty awesome. Catch that Tuna.

[leftover sushi]

@ Heslopian - it was about a great poker player cleaning out a novice poker playet.

I don't know who Michael Carradine is.

All movie referencs were unintentional.

[Wildcard]

Hi,

I liked this. It made me smile several times

I did not get that it was about poker either until I read your reply above. I took the chips as a snack food rather than poker chips and so when I get to the tuna part I am ready to eat the tuna with my chips.

Rereading this and knowing what it is about made me feel like a fool:

I see your eyes dart
down,
to the left.
[...]
A bluff.
[...]
Go ahead sir.
Buy some more chips.

I see poker everywhere now so I can't be sure if I am just thick or the poem needs a better instant connection to the game.

I was born
infinite yesterdays ago.

^this is a cool way of re-coining a worn phrase. Bravo.

You will be able to fool me
when you can catch a fly,
with chopsticks,
on your first try.

Grasshopper, grasshopper...
Your eyes are translucent.
I hardly need to sqint,
to see exactly what I'm looking for.

So you are not talking about the movie Kung Fu? I find it hard to believe that this part is not almost dependent upon the teacher in that movie. The only thing I can think of is that you know the expression from another sort and have not made the connection. You should really watch the movie

Thanks for sharing

[soxboy3]

i like the sarcastic feel i get from this. As though you are applying a sort of witty tone.

"You will be able to fool me
when you can catch a fly,
with chopsticks,
on your first try."

[tigrflye]

I enjoyed the imagery in this poem. I immediately knew this was a poker game, and I could see the poor idiot being suckered out of all his money. I pictured him sweating nervously and his eyes darting with uncertainty. I felt that every line had importance and packed a punch except perhaps for this one:

Go ahead sir.
Buy some more chips.
I'll be here all night.

I think more could be done with this. It falls flat for me compared with the rest of the poem.
I like the shark and tuna reference immensely. I think the shark's "dare" to keep playing would be a bit more wicked.

[ScurryFunger]

All movie referencs were unintentional.
[/quote]

That is a blatant lie.

[billy]

All movie referencs were unintentional.

That is a blatant lie.
[/quote]
it's poetry not true dare kiss command or promise. please keep comment to the poem. /mod

---

I see your eyes dart
down,
to the left.

I was born
infinite yesterdays ago.

You will be able to fool me
when you can catch a fly,
with chopsticks,
on your first try.

Grasshopper, grasshopper...
Your eyes are translucent.
I hardly need to sqint, squint
to see exactly what I'm looking for.

A bluff.

Go ahead sir.
Buy some more chips.
I'll be here all night.

I am a nocturnal shark,
and you, sir, are a sleeping tuna.

i like the vignettes and how they're all connected by the title through varying types of bullshit artists. see if cutting some of the smaller words make it more twattish.

You will be able to fool me

feels a bit drawn out

you'll fool me
when you catch flies
with chopsticks
on your attempt (fry and try made feel like a rhyme scheme was going to be used )

[Erthona]

This is a nice bouncy read, and was fun despite the fact it made no sense. I think it is way to ambiguous for many to think poker. Sure you say "chips", but you also put in two fishes with those chips, making it seem the chips are of the potato variety. Sure you use "shark" which can be interpreted as "card shark", but shark is used in many different ways, and there is nothing here to say this is in reference to cards. Along with that is the supposedly unintended reference to martial arts. In the TV show "Kung Fu", "Grasshopper" was the nickname given to the David Carridine character "Kwai Chang Caine" when it flashes back to the time he was a boy. The show opened ever episode with Kwai Chang's master telling him when he could snatch the pebble from his hand it would be time for him to go. Snatching the pebble, and catching the fly with chopsticks are similar devices, the latter from the movie "Karate Kid". Most anyone who has every had even a passing fascination with martial arts are probably aware of both. Plus the passage beginning with "I was born" until "translucent" has a bit of an Asian philosophical tone to it. All of this plus it seems to have nothing to do with poker leads me to believe you have no right to expect a reader to get this is about a game of cards. I can see that these elements might be purely coincidental because of how they fall in the poem. However, how does this:

"You will be able to fool me
when you can catch a fly,
with chopsticks,
on your first try."

relate to poker in any particular way. It seems very ad hoc to me, and in fact extremely extraneous, and I am the master of extraneous and tangential (I've never met a bush I did want to beat around!).
So, although I can see in retrospect how you might have made these choices, such as the above passage meaning "never" (you will never fool me), I would doubt there will be many, if any who will read this and think it is about cards. So to this degree the poem fails, and will continue to do so until you give the reader more of a clue as to your intentions.

Dale

[Malu]

I see your eyes dart
down,
to the left. Is there any meaning to them darting to the left? Because it's not right? Hahaha, or is that just that?

I was born
infinite yesterdays ago. I wasn't born yesterday, now I see how this relates more to the context of this poem

You will be able to fool me
when you can catch a fly, I think this line would flow better without "can"
with chopsticks,
on your first try. Miyagi?

Grasshopper, grasshopper... More karate kid references, on purpose?
Your eyes are translucent. don't eyes naturally allow light to pass through? because that's what translucent means. Unless you're touching on the lack of detailed images that don't register? Otherwise, I don't think that is best selection of an adjective for this.
I hardly need to sqint, squint*
to see exactly what I'm looking for.

A bluff.

Go ahead sir.
Buy some more chips.
I'll be here all night. Nice, a tad cliche, but I find nothing wrong with that.

I am a nocturnal shark, Clever, card shark
and you, sir, are a sleeping tuna. To me, tuna is a funny word, it definitely shows their inferiority to you as a shark, but I wonder if a different animal could represent more than just that relationship.

I think it could use more imagery though. I think the stanza about you being a shark should incorporate more personification, talk more about your vicious bite "good hand" or your extra rows of teeth "an ace in the hole" or how you can smell his blood rushing with fear. I think that could add a nice touch.

[DestWrites]

I see your eyes dart down,
to the left. Backspaced 'down'. Makes it flow better
in my opinion.
I was born
infinite yesterdays ago.

You will be able to fool me
when you can catch a fly,
with chopsticks,
on your first try.

Grasshopper, grasshopper... <--- maybe a period? Not the ellipses.
Your eyes are translucent.
I hardly need to sqint,
to see exactly what I'm looking for.

A bluff.

Go ahead sir.
Buy some more chips.
I'll be here all night. <--- understandable but it is cliché.

I am a nocturnal shark, Removed to coma, a bit un-necessary.
and you sir, are a sleeping tuna. <-----

Overall I do like it, it could use some fixing up but what poem doesn't? It does remind me of karate kid, but than again that's alright. Keep writing.

[jringo_]

I see your eyes dart
down,
to the left.Great opening. Begs the question, "why?" I read to find out.

I was born
infinite yesterdays ago.Delete this stanza

You will be able to fool me
when you can catch a fly,Why the comma?
with chopsticks,
on your first try.

Grasshopper, grasshopper...
Your eyes are translucent.
I hardly need to sqint,Squit. Typo
to see exactly what I'm looking for.

A bluff.

Go ahead sir.
Buy some more chips.
I'll be here all night.

I am a nocturnal shark,
and you, sir, are a sleeping tuna.Lulz

This reads as a series of one liners, each stanza being one line. And they don't tie together. My question in the beginning was never answered, but I don't seem to care. If that's what you're going for, well done! Otherwise, I'm confused.