The Big November

[only rob]

The Big November



When I draw my shades
the birds stop
the sky
the laughing children
the woman in the
sun dress, backlit
a walking hymn

but I can’t see her limbs
grow away
or the butterflies

fall.

[Aish]

Hi, Rob. I'm going to have a cup of tea then return.

[Leanne]

This is quite fascinating for such a little poem -- I get similar feelings from a photograph, that frozen moment in time that makes me vaccilate between wondering what else is going on and being grateful for the power to shut it out/ put it away/ stop it happening.

At first I was not keen on all the commas, but now I read them as a rather breathless list, capturing all that's going on in one tiny moment and then the stanza break, the long pause and room for contemplation. The last two lines are quite shiver-inspiring.

[Ca ne fait rien]

I actually froze when I read- like stopped doing all the things Iwas not aware I was doing. An intriguing piece, multi dimensional, Rob.

[Aish]

Like Leanne, the many commas give me pause. Your content is quite fulfilling, it makes one stop and ponder. I would personally drop 'the sky' down a line. "A walking hymn" is beautiful.

[only rob]

Thanks, both you and Aish, for your notes.

It seems, for me anyway, that the wee poems take more editing and care than the larger ones. I keep trying to write really good shorts, but they seem really difficult. The punctuation here gave/gives me fits. The new incarnation is more minimalist.

[Leanne]

The line breaks work for the most part, but I'd tend to suggest

the woman in the
sun dress, backlit

to give a little more of a tumble to the words.

[addy]

Just wanted to chime in and say this is a stunning piece. It's like a piece of fine cinema, how you captured a moment in time through such vivid, haunting impressions. I'll second Leanne's suggestion that "the woman" seems a naked line on its own so you might need to pull up the stuff after, but other than that damn. Mighty fine work.

[only rob]

Thanks, editing again. These wee ones are tough.

[Wildcard]

Hi Rob,
   This is such a great poem. It stopped me in my tracks and then I read Stef say the same thing. I wish that I could write like this

 I won't attempt to critique what I think is a wonderful short poem, but I will say that when workshopping, I like to see the original version along with the current version. It helps as a late comer scans the critiques and plays 'catch up'. It's easy just use the quote tag like this:

Code:

[quote]
Original Version:

. . .
[/quote]

which will produce:

Original Version:

. . .

Just a suggestion. Thanks for sharing.

[Todd]

Hi Rob,

When I looked at your title it made me think of private detective stories (i.e., The Big Sleep). The poem itself seems to be a snapshot in time capturing that one moment of infatuation. The backlit woman appearing to the observer as the only thing in motion. Here are some comments for you below

The Big November



When I draw my shades
the birds stop
the sky

The first line works. It may be more interesting though if you pulled up L2 to the end of L1. I have mixed thoughts on this. The line would be more interesting. You would however lose the slight beat that the line break gives you. That beat, might be necessary to give the sense of everything coming to a halt. I'm not a big fan of stop for a couple of reasons. Yes, it carries your s sounds forward, but If you read it without the breaks you are essentially saying: When I draw my shades the birds stop the sky

Perhaps, adding an "in" before the sky would help. I would recommend the "in", and maybe substitute stop with something more precise like hang.

the laughing children
the woman in the sun dress
backlit
a walking hymn

I want to see commas here. I think the lack of punctuation confuses the reading. Going with how you have it. I think you may want a strophe break before the woman line to set it off (she's the point of it). Another way you could approach these lines (not sure if I like this more just posting another option):

the backlit woman in the sun
dress: a walking hymn

Or possibly,

The woman backlit
in the sun dress
a walking hymn

I like the walking hymn part a lot. I don't think though that backlit does enough to justify its placement alone.

but I can’t see her limbs
grow away
or the butterflies

fall.

While I had issues with backlit, I have none with fall. I love the strophe break after butterflies. I absolutely love the last two lines. I'm not sure I like "grow away". It could just be me Rob, but it sounds like strange phrasing.

There's a lot that I like here. I hope some of these comments will be helpful to you.

Best,

Todd

[only rob]

Thanks. I'm still finding my way 'round.

[billy]

you're right about the short ones being hard to sort out.
i think it's because they stand denuded.

i think i came late, to late to add anything other than a chunk of praise.
i am struggling over grow away but i'm guessing i'm missing something obvious
that's the other trouble wit short pieces. you seldom get long crits
thanks for the read

[Bronte]

godamnit

birds stop the sky
is killer,

I dont care about any of the other bits. run with that line and make it come alive.

[ChristopherSea]

Interesting choice. The title grabbed me, as did the final drop with 'fall'.

[milo]

Interesting choice. The title grabbed me, as did the final drop with 'fall'.

It is unfortunate btrudo is no longer here.to appreciate the use of white space which is, like the use of enjambment, quite nice.

[ChristopherSea]

Interesting choice. The title grabbed me, as did the final drop with 'fall'.

It is unfortunate btrudo is no longer here.to appreciate the use of white space which is, like the use of enjambment, quite nice.

Ha ha... He'll be back in a new guise I bet!

[tectak]

The Big November



When I draw my shades
the birds stop
the sky
the laughing children
the woman in the
sun dress, backlit
a walking hymn

but I can’t see her limbs
grow away
or the butterflies

fall.

Hi only,
Well, this is a bit of a poultice...it drew a lot out.There is a whole lot commendable about this and any crit seems churlish. I can only echo the others BUT a word of MY caution; that is, how I would consider this praise.
First, it is deserved.
Second...why?
Paranoia creeps in.
Frankly, it is just "good"..in all aspects.So what to crit?

For me, it would be the layout. NOT the form, NOT the structure, NOT the content.
You will OBSERVE the poem. This is not easy on a phone. I printed it off.
Is this hair splitting?..probably.
Here it comes.



Cut out the spaces.


That's all. Excellent. Envious.
tectak

---

The Big November



When I draw my shades
the birds stop
the sky
the laughing children
the woman in the
sun dress, backlit
a walking hymn

but I can’t see her limbs
grow away
or the butterflies

fall.

Hi only,
Well, this is a bit of a poultice...it drew a lot out.There is a whole lot commendable about this and any crit seems churlish. I can only echo the others BUT a word of MY caution; that is, how I would consider this praise.
First, it is deserved.
Second...why?
Paranoia creeps in.
Frankly, it is just "good"..in all aspects.So what to crit?

For me, it would be the layout. NOT the form, NOT the structure, NOT the content.
You will OBSERVE the poem. This is not easy on a phone. I printed it off.
Is this hair splitting?..probably.
Here it comes.



Cut out the spaces.


That's all. Excellent. Envious.
tectak

[bena]

I love this as a minimalist piece, and I'm assuming at one point you had commas. If you drop those, you have to use line breaks to direct the reader. I had to read twice because I thought for sure the birds were stopping the sky. I would suggest another drop down after stop to clarify, but that's really nit picking as this is a fantastic piece.