Brunch (For fun)

[tigrflye]

Edit:

If cannibalism was not a sin,
I could devour your cinnamon skin.
Rich scents are tickling at my nose,
Tongue dipping in between your toes.
Teeth scraping up behind your knee,
could dunk you in an English tea.
Your fingertips are sweet corn bread,
clouding reason in my head.
Your whiskey mouth has made me weak.
I nibble softly on your cheek.
I know I can't resist that ear.
Thank God your tasty shoulder's near.
I don't draw blood; no, not this time.
Ingesting you would be a crime.
I guess that I should also add:
killing you would make me sad.
The problem that I have, you see,
is wanting all of you in me.

Original:
I could devour your delicious skin
If cannibalism was not sin.
Rich scents are tickling my nose,
Tongue dancing in between your toes.
Teeth scraping up inside your knee,
I would eat you with an English tea.
Your fingertips are sweet corn bread,
Clouding reason in my head.
Your whiskey mouth has made me weak.
I nibble softly on your cheek.
I know I can't resist your ear.
Thank God your tasty shoulder's near.
I don't draw blood but I want to
Greedily ingest all of you.
I suppose that I should also add
That killing you would make me sad.
The problem that I have, you see,
Is wanting all of you in me.

[billy]

i have the same problem with burgers

[tigrflye]

Haha, Billy! And french fries, and potato chips, and chocolate...
I'm a bit disappointed though.. I figured you would be a tough critic. You don't want to pick it apart?

[billy]

me actually bad, i thought it was in the for fun foum sorry jen
will have another read of it.

---

it's a light hearted non filth sex/love poem that's cheeky and cheerful.
it makes for a break from some of the other kind of cock and crumpet poems could b tighter but it wouldn't take a lot (and edit or two) to make it better.

i'd suggest trying to find a suitable constant meter (have a look at the meter post) and stick to it.

i got a smile out of it, thanks for the read.

I could devour your delicious skin
If cannibalism was not sin. i'd shove an [a] before sin
Rich scents are tickling my nose, what rich scents?
Tongue dancing in between your toes. dancing feels a bit mmm right, is there a better word that can be used?
Teeth scraping up inside your knee, behind yeah but inside means you're already done to the bone
I would eat you with an English tea.
Your fingertips are sweet corn bread,
Clouding reason in my head.
Your whiskey mouth has made me weak.
I nibble softly on your cheek.
I know I can't resist your ear.
Thank God your tasty shoulder's near.
I don't draw blood but I want to
Greedily ingest all of you. a suggestion would be [the all of you] if just to make it less bumpy
I suppose that I should also add
That killing you would make me sad.
The problem that I have, you see, this line has been used a few times in a few poems (cliche) a suggestion would be [The problem that I have, is twee] and change [Is] to [in] or [i'm]
Is wanting all of you in me. this last line is risqué in the extreme as far as double entendre goes but cheeky with it so it works and makes the poem as light hearted as it needs to be.

[Versify]

the last two lines brought a smile to my face. you see I'm reading this thinking "here we go again, another obsessed psychotic girl" but in the end you bring it back to rational thought of love. very nicely said

I think you could defer from using "english tea" and maybe go in the direction of "blood you bleed?" i think it holds the rhyme well and gets even more gory (which seems to be the style) just a suggestion though
nicely done

[tigrflye]

Yay! Thanks for all the input. I appreciate it, even if I decide not to change everything.
I personally enjoy the silly image of me sitting down, very proper with my English tea as I nibble his parts.. so I would like to keep it. But thank you, Versify.
I changed inside his knee to behind. I was going for the inner side.. like inner thigh.. but I see how you could think I meant down to the bone, so I agree with that change.
I have been struggling a bit with the " Greedily ingest all of you" line. I'm not sure what your suggestion meant tho, Billy. "Greadily ingest you" sounds too short to my ears. Also not familiar with the word "twee"..hmm.
Glad you liked my double entendre ending.

[billy]

Greedily ingest the all of you

all being the metaphorical him

twee means sweet or cute

[tigrflye]

Billy, (a fellow night owl?) Ohh, like a cliche lightbulb turning on in my skull, I finally read that the way you mean it. Greedily ingest the ALL of you! Ah ha! But I'm not convinced, because I fear if I had such a difficult time understanding that then perhaps other lightbulbs would be as dim. . Maybe: " Greedily ingest all parts of you" ? I'll roll with that for now and see how it sounds when I read it in the morning.
And I learned a new word today.. "twee". A strange, little word.

[Todd]

Hi Jennifer,

Some comments on the edit:

This was a fun read. My overall comment would be that I'd like more descriptions like "your whiskey mouth". I realize the speaker directs us at a specific person, but it would help if we could see more subtle characteristics blended into the various body part entrees. It would make it more personal and specific. That probably adds to the degree of difficulty, but if you could pull it off it would be worth it.

Edit:
I could devour your delicious skin
If cannibalism was not a sin.--It probably is just a preference, but I think I'd like these first two lines inverted. It could work either way, of course, but for me it seems to build better reversed.
Rich scents are tickling my nose,--feels like you want an "at" before nose here.
Tongue dipping in between your toes.
Teeth scraping up behind your knee,
I would eat you with an English tea.--rhythm feels a bit off on this line. You could cut the "I", and possibly change would to could. I like the speaker speculating on options more. It feels more whimsical for some reason.
Your fingertips are sweet corn bread,
Clouding reason in my head.
Your whiskey mouth has made me weak.--I really enjoyed these last three lines especially whiskey mouth for its appropriateness and its effect on the speaker
I nibble softly on your cheek.
I know I can't resist your ear.--maybe that instead of your
Thank God your tasty shoulder's near.--an example I think where the couplets keep the mood light and fun. The form enhances the poem.
I don't draw blood but I want to
Greedily ingest all parts of you.--This feels like the weakest couple. The to/you rhyme feels less interesting. Greedily is an adverb that doesn't show much. I'm not saying this is better but maybe, "I don't draw blood but in my need/Upon your parts I wish to feed." Again, who knows just trying to show you something to open up the dialogue away from to/you
I suppose that I should also add--cut the that
That killing you would make me sad.--love that sentiment
The problem that I have, you see,
Is wanting all of you in me.--wonderful double meaning. I thought the ending was excellent.

I hope some of the comments will be helpful.

Best,

Todd

[tectak]

Edit:

If cannibalism was not a sin,
I could devour your delicious skin.
Rich scents are tickling my nose,
Tongue dipping in between your toes.
Teeth scraping up behind your knee,
Could eat you with an English tea.
Your fingertips are sweet corn bread,
Clouding reason in my head.
Your whiskey mouth has made me weak.
I nibble softly on your cheek.
I know I can't resist that ear.
Thank God your tasty shoulder's near.
I don't draw blood but I want to
Greedily ingest all parts of you.
I suppose I should also add
That killing you would make me sad.
The problem that I have, you see,
Is wanting all of you in me.

Original:
I could devour your delicious skin
If cannibalism was not sin.
Rich scents are tickling my nose,
Tongue dancing in between your toes.
Teeth scraping up inside your knee,
I would eat you with an English tea.
Your fingertips are sweet corn bread,
Clouding reason in my head.
Your whiskey mouth has made me weak.
I nibble softly on your cheek.
I know I can't resist your ear.
Thank God your tasty shoulder's near.
I don't draw blood but I want to
Greedily ingest all of you.
I suppose that I should also add
That killing you would make me sad.
The problem that I have, you see,
Is wanting all of you in me.

Hi tigr,
To be alarmingly pleasant, I have to say that this is bloody refreshing. It is, on several levels...good. Good enough,and I am surprised no mod has done this yet,to move in to serious crit. I am a not saying you will benefit from the move...but the crits will. Very well done. If you want it moving back, just say the word.
Best,
tectak

[tigrflye]

Todd,
Yes you are very helpful. I'm mostly thrilled that you got enjoyment from it. I made some edits.

Tectak, I have the Jefferson's theme song playing in my head now "Movin' on up". Thank you.

[milo]

Edit:

If cannibalism was not a sin,
I could devour your delicious skin.
Rich scents are tickling my nose,
Tongue dipping in between your toes.
Teeth scraping up behind your knee,
Could eat you with an English tea.
Your fingertips are sweet corn bread,
Clouding reason in my head.
Your whiskey mouth has made me weak.
I nibble softly on your cheek.
I know I can't resist that ear.
Thank God your tasty shoulder's near.
I don't draw blood; no, not this time.
Ingesting you would be a crime.
I suppose I should also add
That killing you would make me sad.
The problem that I have, you see,
Is wanting all of you in me.

The thought behind it is clever enough but the execution is all over the place. I don't know how familiar you are with meter but rhyme really doesn't work without it, especially in light verse. I would say abandon the rhyme altogether but to be honest I don't think it would hold together. It is almost more a string of common couplets strung together. In addition there are little niggles that should be addressed in almost every line so I can't really do a line by line.

Is cannibalism a sin? Never really heard that before.

Anyway, I am not too sure how far you really want to go with it and it is a pretty big investment, but if you are serious there are some things you could do to start cleaning it up.

[tigrflye]

Milo,
Thank you for your reply. I am not "familiar" or overly comfortable with meter, although we have been introduced.
I was going for a loose rythm, rather than a strict meter..admittedly because it was easier considering the rhyme constriction.
Some great poets have made it work (rhyme without meter) .. Sylvia Plath's Daddy has a changing meter. Please don't think I would ever compare myself. I'm not. And if it doesn't work, well it doesn't work.
Would you suggest step-one in the clean up process be breaking the poem apart and adopting a meter?

[milo]

Milo,
Thank you for your reply. I am not "familiar" or overly comfortable with meter, although we have been introduced.
I was going for a loose rythm, rather than a strict meter..admittedly because it was easier considering the rhyme constriction.
Some great poets have made it work (rhyme without meter) .. Sylvia Plath's Daddy has a changing meter. Please don't think I would ever compare myself. I'm not. And if it doesn't work, well it doesn't work.
Would you suggest step-one in the clean up process be breaking the poem apart and adopting a meter?

You make some interesting points and I would love to discuss them but not in a poem thread in the serious critique section. Let's just accept that this poem will need meter for now and we can work out the why's later.

So, pick a meter (I would suggest iambic tetrameter in this case as it will showcase the lightness of the verse without making it "flip" but the choice is yours. After that, I can diagram it for you, if you would like, or even pad to perfect meter for you allowing you to just sub out the padding for similar words.

(A note: changing meter is not the same as no meter, I have quite a few changing meter poems on this board myself)

[Leanne]

Hi Jen -- milo is (shock! horror!) quite correct in that changing meter still demands control and is never haphazard. It's actually trickier to manage than the regular kind, and poor half-baked Sylvia was quite good at counting beats. So, let's see if we can sort out your poem according to meter without regularising it.

Edit:

If cannibalism was not a sin,
I could devour your delectable skin.
Rich scents are tickling my nose, -- this line works for me because I say "tick-a-ling", but you might consider another word instead to stop accent confusion issues
Tongue dipping in between your toes.
Teeth scraping up behind your knee,
Could eat you with an English tea. -- like this idea but what about "could dunk you in an English tea" like a biscuit?
Your fingertips are sweet corn bread,
Clouding reason in my head. -- this line is redundant -- where else would reason be, but in the head? I think it's wasting a rhyme.
Your whiskey mouth has made me weak.
I nibble softly on your cheek.
I know I can't resist that ear.
Thank God your tasty shoulder's near.
I don't draw blood; no, not this time.
Ingesting you would be a crime.
I guess that I should also add:
Killing you would make me sad.
The problem that I have, you see,
Is wanting all of you in me. -- very naughty last line

It's not nearly as bad as it could have been... which means you're in exactly the right place. Nice to see you here in Serious. Don't eat the peanuts.

[tigrflye]

Oh thank you, Leanne! Yes I LOVE the idea of dunking him in English tea!
I say "tick-a-ling" too.. and honestly, I'm okay with that.

[Todd]

One other thing this discussion is pointing out to me is how inadequate words like delicious or even Leanne's (I think better word delectable). It's like beautiful or unique.

Cinnamon would be better, or something with a taste to it.

Just a thought.

[tigrflye]

Todd,
I wholeheartedly agree.
Because line 1 has 10 syllables, my tongue stumbles a bit if line 2 has 11 (as with delectable. I do like the word more than delicious). Cinnamon works for me in that regard, but.. how do you feel about "vanilla"? Oh, say you like it!

[Todd]

Vanilla might have slight sexual connotations so would work with your ending. It's more concrete than either of the d words--so an improvement.

Okay, okay, that was long-winded for I like it.

[Leanne]

Problem is... meter isn't about syllables, it's about where the stresses fall. In that regard, cinnamon fits better than vanilla but it's possible that only people who worry about things like meter are going to notice, so it's your call of course.

(Although I tend to think of vanilla as quite bland)