Alice in the Asylum: Psychiatric Transcript (Revision 5)

[ChristopherSea]

Hi Alison,

I'm tempted to pull all the notes down to the bottom except for one psychiatric lead in. I also can work on bringing up the fear quotient with the bandersnatch section.

Much Appreicated,

Todd

Todd, As I mentioned previously, since the psych notes seem to be an integral part of the piece, you could try to pull the notes more into the poem doing something like this:

HISTORY OF PRESENT ILLNESS
13-year-old female; incoherent, disheveled.
Wandering costermongers eel cart.
Evaluation required; police request
under lunacy act of 1845.

PRESENTING PROBLEM
Exhibits periods of long silence
broken by persecutory outbursts.
Patients first communication
after 4 hours of silence:

It is this dyslexic language I hate
words that scurry and slink
rearrange themselves before
I can speak. But somebody killed...

You get the drift; just a thought./Chris

[Todd]

Hi Chris, I'll add this to the list of ideas (my last revision of this one took two years hopefully I'll get there quicker).

Much appreciated,

Todd

---

Poor poor alice. You know how much I love her. I can't pick this apart, it reeks of Gluck and that is wonderful. The situation you've put her in is fantastic. I just can praise and not find fault, sorry I'm being a terrible critic.

love ya,
mel.

Hi Mel, nearly missed this. I appreciate that you like it. If it reeks of Gluck well, that's because I probably read her more than most others.

Much appreciated,

Todd

[jdeirmend]

Todd,

I think the notes pull me right out of the experience of enjoying the poem. They are a real stumbling block for me to even get into it in the first place; by the time it's done, looking over more notes feels like a chore. Notes before and after just seem to be way too much. I would suggest toning it down to the point of setting a very brief, innocuous tidbit of context at the beginning, if not just eliminating the notes entirely. Something like "From Blah-Blah's Journal, Resident, Hillmont House Psychiatric" is as far as it should go IMO. I know I'm bucking against the trend of what most everyone is saying, but hey. That pretty much sums up my experience with this one, sorry I couldn't be more constructive.

[Todd]

No, that's totally a valid point of view. If I was happy with it. I probably wouldn't be having so many issues.

Though I'm rarely happy with much of what I write so maybe that isn't the best gauge.

Everything is on the table for the edit.

So Thanks

[milo]

Revision 3: Optional

--by order of the Lunacy Act, 1845

It is this dyslexic language I hate
words that scurry and slink
rearrange themselves before
I can speak. But somebody killed
something, or something-or-other!

So childish to fear the dark
night’s plunge into anonymity.
It is the eyes that draw
the Bandersnatch--
claws that scrape,
claws that catch.

You have removed my vanity—
the need to mince gingerly.
I no longer sit to brush my hair,
nor eat without the ache
within my bones.

This glass isn’t cold as you suspect,
the fire leaks like a warm breath.
I feel the grin float
over my shoulder, the last beacon
to fade away.

~~~
Edit notes: Very close to the original. The reason I originally went down this psychiatric notes thing was because the setting wasn't coming through, and to try something different (still a valid reason). That said, I think I took it too far and should take a tip from Ted Kooser and rethink the title.

Revision 2

HISTORY OF PRESENT ILLNESS
The patient appears to be an 13-year-old female who was found wandering around a costermongers eel cart incoherent and disheveled. Police brought her to the facility for evaluation under the lunacy act of 1845.

PRESENTING PROBLEM
The patient exhibits periods of long silence broken by persecutory outbursts.

CHIEF COMPLAINT
Transcribed below is the patients first communication after 4 hours of silence.

It is this dyslexic language I hate
words that scurry and slink
rearrange themselves before
I can speak. But somebody killed
something, or something-or-other!

So childish to fear the dark
night’s plunge into anonymity.
It is the eyes that draw
the Bandersnatch--
claws that scrape,
claws that catch.

You have removed my vanity—
the need to mince gingerly.
I no longer sit to brush my hair,
nor eat without the ache
within my bones.

This glass isn’t cold as you suspect,
the fire leaks like a warm breath.
I feel the grin float
over my shoulder, the last beacon
to fade away.

MENTAL STATUS EXAMINATION
Patient is prone to poor auditory discrimination, exhibits signs of persecutory delusional disorder, expresses anxiety in the cafeteria line, and shows apprehension in front of mirrors.


PROVISIONAL DIAGNOSIS
Phrenology investigation noted lumps over the right ear, indicating possible destructive tendencies. More evaluation is necessary.

~~~

Revision 1

It is this dyslexic language I hate
words that scurry and slink
rearrange themselves before
I can speak.

Subject prone to poor auditory discrimination.

But somebody killed something,
or something-or-other!
I stand by my story.
No lucid dream
to wake from, I tire
of these suggestions.

So childish to fear the dark
night’s plunge into anonymity.
It is the eyes that draw
the Bandersnatch--
claws that scrape,
claws that catch.

Subject exhibits signs of persecutory delusional disorder.

You have removed my vanity—
the need to mince gingerly.
I no longer sit to brush my hair,
nor eat without the ache
within my bones.

Subject expresses anxiety in the cafeteria line.

This glass isn’t cold as you suspect,
the fire leaks like a warm breath.
I feel the grin float
over my shoulder, the last beacon
to fade away.

Subject shows apprehension in front of mirror.

~~~

Original

It is this dyslexic language I hate
words that scurry and slink
rearrange themselves before
I can speak.

But somebody killed something,
or something-or-other!
I stand by my story.
No lucid dream
to wake from, I tire
of these suggestions.

So childish to fear the dark
night’s plunge into anonymity.
It is the eyes that draw
the Bandersnatch--
claws that scrape,
claws that catch.

You have removed my vanity—
the need to mince gingerly.
I no longer sit to brush my hair,
nor eat without the ache
within my bones.

This glass isn’t cold as you suspect,
the fire leaks like a warm breath.
I feel the grin float
over my shoulder, the last beacon
to fade away.

So far, revision 2 is my favorite. I remember thinking it a very brave route to take when I first read it. I also remember thinking it would alienate most readers of poetry but for those who cherish something new, it was delightful.

[Todd]

I appreciate that milo. I feel like I'm still struggling to find the right way to express all of it. I don't think rev.2 is right. I do feel it detracts, but I also want something a bit different. So, I guess long winded way of saying I'm not happy with this one.

I spent two years at least between revisions. This may end up being one of those long term things that take a decade to get there.

It could be that I need to do columns (try doing that online). Where you have text running down side-by-side...line for line therapist observations for each line of the poem (kind of like a modified cleave thing).

I'm rambling

[cidermaid]

For my read I am with Milo in my preference to rev 2. I think that too much is lost when you take out the patient notes and hope that you continue to work along these lines. I can appreciate your difficulty with the notes in that they intrude on the poem, but at the same time perhaps you should consider that the books have a similar effect when you read them. It all starts off in a perfectly sensible line of reasoning a quickly spirals into absurdity and then at the end the reader is jerked in an abrupt and uncompromising way back into reality.
I was just musing on the idea that you had sort of expressed in an earlier comment about developing these poems into a series. Have you thought of having Alice's "communications" on each chapter of the book or even each character? Perhaps in this way the effect of the patient notes would more echo the book, in that they would have a role to anchor and set a seal on either end of the poem series. Just an idea.

AJ

[ellajam]

Hi, Todd, have you considered changing the psychiatric notes into more of the form of Alice's part? It could make a nice comparison between the validity of each if they sang the same way.

Just a thought.

[Todd]

AJ and Ella: Both ideas you raise have merit. I'll probably give them each a try. Thank you.

Experimenting may eventually get me there.

Much appreciated

[Todd]

Another optional revision is up. Thoughts?

Thank you

---

Made some more edits to the format.

[Todd]

I'm returning to this one after some time. I wondered if doing a haibun structure would be the key to making this work. I realize these are not true haikus--not even slightly. I'm trying to do something different with this, and its possible the experiment isn't going to work. I'd appreciate any feedback. I keep finding myself coming back to this over the years, but I understand that I may not be improving it.

Thanks,

Todd

[Anne]

Hi Todd,

This is quite a complicated poem and I don't know if I am up to its worth, but I will offer suggestions as my simple mind allows.  I read version 5 and didn't understand it until I read through 3 and 4.

The tone and style of this poem remind me of a Norman Dubie piece about the Pennecese Leper Colony.  You might get some ideas from that poem as to how to best take this poem in and out of first person if you choose to use first person at all.

First person could work for this piece if you direct it in the title.

I have taken bits and pieces of your poem and rearranged them to give you an idea of how the poem makes sense to me.  It's a tough piece to work on with its complexities.  Of course there are umpteen ways to approach this as we see from your drafts.  How best to give it meaning seems key to me.  

Alice, Lunacy Act, 1845

Near a costermonger's (eel) cart,  (was eel common back then - it does start this off with a creepy feeling)
I was found wandering,
a bundle of rags and weeping sores,
and brought by the constable  (I'm fiddling here - what would the chief be called back then?)
to The Asylum.

Although I never did, others found it strange  (if you set up a comparison here it might work nicely)
that I spoke often of rabbits
and couldn't control the urge (and some language about obsession)
to mark the passage of time
with small cuts upon my arm,
a human sun dial. (not sure this image works)

It is this dyslexic language (here's the contrast)
that seems insane to me, crazy words
scurrying and slinking about in my brain,
rearranging themselves
before I can speak.

So childish of me, to fear the dark,
night's plunge into anonymity.  (nice metaphor, although I'm not sure someone would actually think like that, but then I took it out of your original context)

You could switch and say something like -
When night plunges into anonymity,
I feel so childish fearing the dark inside
these walls.  It is the eyes of others
that (cause me terror, yet oddly-----------)
this place has removed all my vanity.
I no longer brush my hair;
the mirror has become a window.
And I cannot eat
without the ache (of what - all her lost beauty?) within my bones.

The glass isn't cold as you suspect (or might think),
the fire leaks like a warm breath,
I feel a grin float over my shoulder
the last of my dignity  (I saw the grin as the person's last ounce of personality and dignity being fading away)
fading away.

Or you could switch this all around and have the intake doctor doing all the speaking about Alice.

I don't know that you have to go into the phrenology lumps.  Maybe choose a theme and focus the poem in on that. Overall I enjoy the writing, I think I "get it" and want to see more of this.  Anyhow, this is how I read meaning into the piece but maybe your intent is totally different.

Hope something here is useful to you.

Anne

[Todd]

Thank you, Anne.

I read the Dubie poem (very nice). I'll be considering your comments. I've been struggling with this one off and on for the past five years so it may take awhile to hit whatever it is I'm trying to get to with this one.

I do appreciate the time you spent and your thoughts.

Best,

Todd

[tectak]

It is this dyslexic language I hate
words that scurry and slink
rearrange themselves before
I can speak.

But somebody killed something,
or something-or-other!
I stand by my story.
No lucid dream
to wake from, I tire
of these suggestions.

So childish to fear the dark
night’s plunge into anonymity.
It is the eyes that draw
the Bandersnatch--
claws that scrape,
claws that catch.

You have removed my vanity—
the need to mince gingerly.
I no longer sit to brush my hair,
nor eat without the ache
within my bones.

This glass isn’t cold as you suspect,
the fire leaks like a warm breath.
I feel the grin float
over my shoulder, the last beacon
to fade away.

Todd, you are a great poet! I've read some of your other poems and wow! I really liked this one especially. Good work!

This is not valid critique. What aspect of the piece affects you and why?What imagery is effective and what leaves you wanting more? How is it that you can read this poem but not the forum guidelines?
Mod

[Todd]

Tom, thanks I'll put that down as a vote for the original version.

Todd

[Magpie]

I'm returning to this one after some time. I wondered if doing a haibun structure would be the key to making this work. I realize these are not true haikus--not even slightly. I'm trying to do something different with this, and its possible the experiment isn't going to work. I'd appreciate any feedback. I keep finding myself coming back to this over the years, but I understand that I may not be improving it.

Thanks,

Todd

Hi Todd,

I'm intrigued by your choice of using a haibun structure for your edit of this poem. I think that this is a bold move, but a one that has definite potential and could definitely work. I like how it flows and the way that the haikus add a surreal element as a kind of alternative commentary. I wouldn't worry too much about whether or not the haikus are true haikus as such. It seems to me that from the majority of haibun I have read there are very few that have "true" haikus in the classical sense of having a seasonal reference and cut. There seems to be a lot more leeway when it comes to haibun regarding haiku and considering the fact that you are more borrowing the structure and concept of a haibun then it seems perfectly fine.

Having said that, I do think there are elements of traditional haiku that could be incorporated into what you already have here and also there is an issue of whether or not to use punctuation within the haiku here as well as when to capitalise words or not. For example with the following haiku you could have something at the end of the second line that would indicate a cut which would leave the last line to more of a separate and possibly stronger image. A lot of people would use a hyphen. Also you could consider dropping 'A' and having it simply as "Human Sundial" 

Through the warren
Small cuts on the arm
A human sundial

I would say the same about the following haiku as regards the last line and a cut, I think it would work here also. The other issue I would raise would be the capitalisation of words. I'm not sure of your reasons why but these two haiku are at total opposite ends of the spectrum in that matter. Usually in haiku I would suggest to leave out any capitalisation and to only use minimal punctuation ie the hyphen for the cut, however because of the nature of this piece I think the haiku could possibly benefit from a small amount of structure in that sense, some sort of compromise between the two extremes.

words scurry and slink
rearrange before I can speak
dyslexic mice bite

For example the above haiku element could be written as 

Words scurry and slink,
rearrange before I can speak -
Dyslexic mice bite.


With the next haiku I understand why you have those elements in there and the rhyme which relate to the Jabberwocky, but I'm not entirely sure that the rhyme part is working, especially because it is the only time that you use it in any of the haiku. 

eyes draw the Bandersnatch
claws that scrape
claws that catch

The last two haiku could also benefit from using a hyphen to indicate a cut and also in keeping with the minimalist approach of a haiku you could drop 'The' from the 3rd line of the first haiku and possibly from the second haiku also.

bones remember clouds
ceiling too low for breakfast
The empty bowl

The grin floats
laughter over my shoulder
last beacon to fade


I know that I've only commented on one aspect of the poem here and I apologise for that but I am sort of rushed for time, but I also wanted to at least say something while the thoughts were still fresh in my head. For this reason also I haven't read all of your previous versions of this poem to give myself a wider view of it and how it has developed. I do think that it is a very bold and interesting move for this poem but it is also one that I appreciate and would love to see work because I do think it has enormous potential.


Cheers for the read,


Mark

[Todd]

Mark,

I appreciate the thoughtful and extensive engagement you did. I will go over what you've said in detail and try to refine this version. Sometimes that takes me awhile as you can see how long I've been tinkering with this. No matter how it turns out, I'm learning a lot through this process--which might be worth much more than an easy fix. Soldiering on.

Thank you again,

Todd