The ballad of dancing Willy rabbit heart (true-enigma edit)

[Charlesjoseph]

The Ballad of Dancing Willy Rabbit Heart -----------------( 3rd revision - editorial advisement / true enigma)

I know a place in the Willowbrook Pines,
where they kept sick children in cages-
five-foot-five, only he would survive,
to dance for miniscule wages.

What led him to this as a child I missed,
but for a penny he'd play his part-
In the park by the slide, a memory resides,
of Dancing Willy Rabbit Heart.

With skin like tar and lobotomy scar,
he was wholly misunderstood-
but for a miniscule tip, he'd shake his hips,
for any kid in the neighborhood.

Willy poor Willy what did we do,
but swarm 'round you like bees-
with jeers to smart your rabbit heart,
we'd dance you to your knees.

What led you to this as a child I missed,
but now I’ve learned the score-
in burlap sealed, in the potter's field,
lay a man that god ignored.

And of all my childhood memories,
some bitter, some sweet, some tart-
a ghost resides, that clatters inside,
named dancing Willy Rabbit Heart.



----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Ballad of Dancing Willy Rabbit Heart ( complete overhaul As per Tektak's critique.)

I know a place in the Willowbrook pines,
where they kept sick children in cages-
five-foot-five, only he would survive,
to dance for miniscule wages.

What led him to this as a child I missed,
but for a penny he'd play his part-
In the park by the slide, a memory resides,
of dancing Willy Rabbit Heart.

With yellow eyes and grey side chops,
he could shuck and jive real good-
with a pittance for a tip, he'd shake his hips,
for any kid in the neighborhood.

Willy poor Willy what did we do,
but swarm round you like bees-
with skin like tar, and a lobotomy scar,
we'd dance you to your knees.

What led him to this as child I missed,
but now that I know much more-
in burlap sealed, in the potters field,
a man that god ignored.

And of all my childhood memories,
some bittersweet some tart-
a ghost resides, in the pit of my mind,
named dancing Willy Rabbit Heart.



------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The ballad of Dancing Willy Rabbit Heart (Chris/ chazz edit.)

Dance Willy dance,
yellow eyed and wretched,
grey side chops and lobotomy scar,
everyone knows you're crazy - except you.

That's it Willy,
you beautiful black bastard,
move those arms wobble those legs,
in a spittle stained T-shirt and polyester pants.

Dance Willy dance,
act the child for children,
clap them hands shake them hips,
I gave you a penny now, dance, dance, dance.

That's it Willy,
old then, dead now
pine scented but unforgettable
everyone thought you were crazy - except you.

Well done Willy,
you moved those arms and wobbled those legs,
you clapped them hands and shook them hips,
eyes covered with pennies,

now rest Willy rest.

--------------------------------
(original)

The ballad of Dancing Willy Rabbit Heart

Dance Willy dance,
I gave you a penny so make me laugh,
everyone knows you're crazy except you.

That's it Willy,
you beautiful black bastard,
move those arms wobble those legs,
in a spittle stained T-shirt and polyester pants. ( edit BY vicktor)

Dance Willy dance,
yellow eyed and wretched,
grey side chops and lobotomy scar,
everyone knows you're crazy except you.

That's it Willy,
act the child for children,
clap them hands shake them hips,
here's another penny now, dance, dance, dance.

Dance Willy dance
old then, dead now
pine scented but unforgettable
everyone thought you were crazy except you.

Well done Willy,
you moved those arms and wobbled those legs,
you clapped them hands and shook them hips,
your eyes covered with pennies,
now rest Willy rest.

Information about this poem
Dancing Willy lived in my neighborhood when I was a child. He was also a fixture in the park that I used to play in. If someone gave him a penny, he would dance and everyone would laugh at him. He was harmless and docile because of a scar on his head. When I look back on it, his story is obviously sad. However, a child generally only sees things at face value. I didn't realize what we were doing was actually wrong and that he was afflicted. I only saw a guy who would dance for a penny. I figure I owe him a little more for his time considering how fresh his image remains in my thoughts. I set these lines this way for clarity, and I am open to all suggestions.
Thank you in advance for your time.
Chazz
[/size]

[Viktor Vaughn]

I've tried to read it first without the contextual explanation at the end, and then once more with it.
The ballad of Dancing Willy Rabbit Heart

Dance Willy dance,
I gave you a penny so make me laugh,
everyone knows you're crazy except you. I really like the idea of the last two lines, but the last one ending with 'you' doesn't sit well with me

That's it Willy,
you beautiful black bastard,
move those arms, wobble those legs,
in a spittle stained T-shirt and polyester pants. I feel like the importance of this stanza is the last line, which shows Willy's both mental and economic state. That being true (if it is), the line before it needs to change somehow to lead into that. That being said, I like the phrase 'wobble those legs'. It enforces the idea that Willy just isn't really all there, as 'wobbling legs' is a really odd image

Dance Willy dance,
yellow eyed and wretched, What is wretched?
grey side chops and lobotomy scar,
everyone knows you're crazy except you. Same as before about this line. Something about the 'except you' doesn't sit well with me

That's it Willy,
act the child for children,
clap them hands shake them hips,
here's another penny now, dance, dance, dance.

Dance Willy dance
old then, dead now
pine scented but unforgettable
everyone thought you were crazy except you.

Well done Willy,
you moved those arms and wobbled those legs,
you clapped them hands and shook them hips,
your eyes covered with pennies,
now rest Willy rest. You could probably do without this stanza, as it just restates everything, and the last stanza is just fine as a closer

Information about this poem
Dancing Willy lived in my neighborhood when I was a child. He was also a fixture in the park that I used to play in. If someone gave him a penny, he would dance and everyone would laugh at him. He was harmless and docile because of a scar on his head. When I look back on it, his story is obviously sad. However, a child generally only sees things at face value. I didn't realize what we were doing was actually wrong and that he was afflicted. I only saw a guy who would dance for a penny. I figure I owe him a little more for his time considering how fresh his image remains in my thoughts. I set these lines this way for clarity, and I am open to all suggestions.
Thank you in advance for your time.
Chazz

Now, here's my suggestions after reading the context. The poem is a bit dark (nothing wrong with that), as to me, it seems as if the speaker takes advantage of Willy, knowing full well of his disabilities, just for his own amusement. That works perfectly fine, if that's the voice you intended. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems based off the explanation, mainly with "However, a child...", that part of the poem's focus is also on the child's perspective. I don't get much of that when I read this. If that wasn't your intention, I think it would be a neat experiment (although it would require some overhaul) to add a few stanza's in about the child's perspective.

Overall, a good poem, definitely somber, so you set that mood right. Good luck mate!

[Charlesjoseph]

[quote='Charlesjoseph' pid='147130' dateline='1384349821']

The ballad of Dancing Willy Rabbit Heart

Dance Willy dance,
I gave you a penny so make me laugh,
everyone knows you're crazy except you. I really like the idea of the last two lines, but the last one ending with 'you' doesn't sit well with me (I know it doesn't sit well with me either I need to figure out a way to clean it up.)

That's it Willy,
you beautiful black bastard,
move those arms, wobble those legs,
in a spittle stained T-shirt and polyester pants. I feel like the importance of this stanza is the last line, which shows Willy's both mental and economic state. That being true (if it is), the line before it needs to change somehow to lead into that. That being said, I like the phrase 'wobble those legs'. It enforces the idea that Willy just isn't really all there, as 'wobbling legs' is a really odd image

Dance Willy dance,
yellow eyed and wretched, What is wretched? (:deeply afflicted, dejected, or distressed in body or mind)
grey side chops and lobotomy scar,
everyone knows you're crazy except you. Same as before about this line. Something about the 'except you' doesn't sit well with me (check affirmative)

That's it Willy,
act the child for children,
clap them hands shake them hips,
here's another penny now, dance, dance, dance.

Dance Willy dance
old then, dead now
pine scented but unforgettable
everyone thought you were crazy except you.

Well done Willy,
you moved those arms and wobbled those legs,
you clapped them hands and shook them hips,
your eyes covered with pennies,
now rest Willy rest. You could probably do without this stanza, as it just restates everything, and the last stanza is just fine as a closer (i'll consider this but i think that i should manipulate the verses to keep to the pattern of the poem)


Now, here's my suggestions after reading the context. The poem is a bit dark (nothing wrong with that), as to me, it seems as if the speaker takes advantage of Willy, knowing full well of his disabilities, just for his own amusement. That works perfectly fine, if that's the voice you intended. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems based off the explanation, mainly with "However, a child...", that part of the poem's focus is also on the child's perspective. I don't get much of that when I read this. If that wasn't your intention, I think it would be a neat experiment (although it would require some overhaul) to add a few stanza's in about the child's perspective.

Overall, a good poem, definitely somber, so you set that mood right. Good luck mate!

Hey Viktor,
Thanks for your suggestions. As for the speakers voice I know it sounds sadistic but I tried to be honest with it and tell his story the way it was and by the end i tried to repent for something that cannot be changed. The Poem is not about the child's perspective but me reliving something that i regret and rubbing my nose in it.
cheers,
Chazz

[ChristopherSea]

The ballad of Dancing Willy Rabbit Heart

Dance Willy dance,
I gave you a penny so make me laugh,
everyone knows you're crazy except you.

That's it Willy,
you beautiful black bastard,
move those arms wobble those legs,
in a spittle stained T-shirt and polyester pants. ( edit BY vicktor)

Dance Willy dance,
yellow eyed and wretched,
grey side chops and lobotomy scar,
everyone knows you're crazy except you.

That's it Willy,
act the child for children,
clap them hands shake them hips,
here's another penny now, dance, dance, dance.

Dance Willy dance
old then, dead now
pine scented but unforgettable
everyone thought you were crazy except you.

Well done Willy,
you moved those arms and wobbled those legs,
you clapped them hands and shook them hips,
your eyes covered with pennies,
now rest Willy rest.









Information about this poem
Dancing Willy lived in my neighborhood when I was a child. He was also a fixture in the park that I used to play in. If someone gave him a penny, he would dance and everyone would laugh at him. He was harmless and docile because of a scar on his head. When I look back on it, his story is obviously sad. However, a child generally only sees things at face value. I didn't realize what we were doing was actually wrong and that he was afflicted. I only saw a guy who would dance for a penny. I figure I owe him a little more for his time considering how fresh his image remains in my thoughts. I set these lines this way for clarity, and I am open to all suggestions.
Thank you in advance for your time.
Chazz

I like it Chazz and I think it does serve as a tribute. I would drop that first stanza and move up a stronger stanza to open, like this:

The ballad of Dancing Willy Rabbit Heart

Dance Willy dance,
yellow eyed and wretched,
grey side chops and lobotomy scar,
everyone knows you're crazy except you.

That's it Willy,
you beautiful black bastard,
move those arms wobble those legs,
in a spittle stained T-shirt and polyester pants.

Dance Willy dance,
act the child for children,
clap them hands shake them hips,
here's another penny now, dance, dance, dance.

That's it Willy,
old then, dead now
pine scented but unforgettable
everyone thought you were crazy except you.

Well done Willy,
you moved those arms and wobbled those legs,
you clapped them hands and shook them hips,
your eyes covered with pennies,

now rest Willy rest.

This also makes the stanzas more consistant in form and meter. The penny references are still appropriately captured. A break before the closing line will draw out the drama and actual sense of caring and mourning to contrast the taunting and seemingly disrepectful previous stanzas. See what you think. Cheers/Chris

[Charlesjoseph]

Hey Chris,
Your edit works really well for me i posted the edit up top. I changed a few lines to sure up what you proposed. Let me know what you think. Also, In this line everyone knows you're crazy-except you Do you think a dash would work.
Thanks for your help,
Chazz

By the way I've really enjoyed the new poems you've been posting.

[Todd]

Hi Chaaz,

I like the edit. It's more direct. I like that it calls out the lobotomy. I like how the structure's more consistent. So, of course my one comment will foul that up.

I think you may want to change the lines around in this strophe:

That's it Willy,
you beautiful black bastard,
move those arms wobble those legs,
in a spittle stained T-shirt and polyester pants.
[/quote]

I think your line 4 here needs to be your line 3. Options for keeping the line consistency:

1. Cut and polyester pants
2. Blend the pants into the wobble those legs phrasing

Just something to think about.

Best,

Todd

[ellajam]

Hi, Chazz, heres a link to the site's format for posting an edit. It leaves the original for comparison.

Each time I read this I go sour on "beautiful black bastard".

Growing up we had a tall, young guy who played a toy guitar on the corner, where I live now we had Waving Willie, three towns mourned his death, his chair still sits by the road. So I think this is a piece everyone can relate to. I don't know what " black bastard" adds, even when qualified by beautiful.

Might be just me, I like the piece as a whole.

[ChristopherSea]

Hey Chris,
Your edit works really well for me i posted the edit up top. I changed a few lines to sure up what you proposed. Let me know what you think. Also, In this line everyone knows you're crazy-except you Do you think a dash would work.
Thanks for your help,
Chazz

By the way I've really enjoyed the new poems you've been posting.

It looks good Chaz. As for the dash, it depends on what you want to achieve with it. If you are creating pause make it:

'knows you're crazy - except you'.

However, if you are doing just the opposite and blending them, I might make it:

'knows you're crazy-cept you' (as the language fits)

or they way you have it, 'crazy-except you', if you are trying to blur it and not create pause.

[Charlesjoseph]

Hi, Chazz, heres a link to the site's format for posting an edit. It leaves the original for comparison.

Each time I read this I go sour on "beautiful black bastard".

Hey Ella,
I fixed the edit as you instructed thanks for the heads up.
I know that line is off-putting and horrible. I've tried to pull it out or just leave beautiful bastard but in my mind racism has/had it's place here. I'm not trying to defend the line but it is honest. Socially, willy and I lived in a very backwards environment.
Cheers
Chazz

---

Thanks chris,

'knows you're crazy - except you'.

Yea i was thinking a pause would work well gonna throw it up
cheers
Chazz

---

Hi Chaaz,

I like the edit. It's more direct. I like that it calls out the lobotomy. I like how the structure's more consistent. So, of course my one comment will foul that up.

I think you may want to change the lines around in this strophe:

That's it Willy,
you beautiful black bastard,
move those arms wobble those legs,
in a spittle stained T-shirt and polyester pants.

I think your line 4 here needs to be your line 3. Options for keeping the line consistency:

1. Cut and polyester pants
2. Blend the pants into the wobble those legs phrasing

Just something to think about.

Best,

Todd

Hey Todd,
So, of course my one comment will foul that up. Nah It's ok I understand what you mean i'll try a few things and see what i come up with.
Thanks as always for your input.
Chazz

P.S
I listened to your other poem this morning. i was gonna post to say i enjoyed it, so I might as well kill two birds here. Good work sir.

---

Hi Chaaz,

I like the edit. It's more direct. I like that it calls out the lobotomy. I like how the structure's more consistent. So, of course my one comment will foul that up.

I think you may want to change the lines around in this strophe:

That's it Willy,
you beautiful black bastard,
move those arms wobble those legs,
in a spittle stained T-shirt and polyester pants.

I think your line 4 here needs to be your line 3. Options for keeping the line consistency:

1. Cut and polyester pants
2. Blend the pants into the wobble those legs phrasing

Just something to think about.

Best,

Todd
[/quote]

Sorry Todd,
But i think i'm a little clouded as to why you think it should change i'm not challenging you. But, can you elaborate. I know what you said was just a suggestion but all suggestions are valid.
Chazz

---

I think you may want to change the lines around in this strophe:

That's it Willy,
you beautiful black bastard,
move those arms wobble those legs,
in a spittle stained T-shirt and polyester pants.
[/quote]

I think your line 4 here needs to be your line 3. Options for keeping the line consistency:

1. Cut and polyester pants
2. Blend the pants into the wobble those legs phrasing

Just something to think about.

Best,

Todd
[/quote]

Sorry Todd,
But i think i'm a little clouded as to why you think it should change i'm not challenging you. But, can you elaborate. I know what you said was just a suggestion but all suggestions are valid.
Chazz

[tectak]

The ballad of Dancing Willy Rabbit Heart (Chris/ chazz edit.)

Dance Willy dance,
yellow eyed and wretched,
grey side chops and lobotomy scar,
everyone knows you're crazy - except you.

That's it Willy,
you beautiful black bastard,
move those arms wobble those legs,
in a spittle stained T-shirt and polyester pants.

Dance Willy dance,
act the child for children,
clap them hands shake them hips,
I gave you a penny now, dance, dance, dance.

That's it Willy,
old then, dead now
pine scented but unforgettable
everyone thought you were crazy - except you.

Well done Willy,
you moved those arms and wobbled those legs,
you clapped them hands and shook them hips,
eyes covered with pennies,

now rest Willy rest.

--------------------------------
(original)

The ballad of Dancing Willy Rabbit Heart

Dance Willy dance,
I gave you a penny so make me laugh,
everyone knows you're crazy except you.

That's it Willy,
you beautiful black bastard,
move those arms wobble those legs,
in a spittle stained T-shirt and polyester pants. ( edit BY vicktor)

Dance Willy dance,
yellow eyed and wretched,
grey side chops and lobotomy scar,
everyone knows you're crazy except you.

That's it Willy,
act the child for children,
clap them hands shake them hips,
here's another penny now, dance, dance, dance.

Dance Willy dance
old then, dead now
pine scented but unforgettable
everyone thought you were crazy except you.

Well done Willy,
you moved those arms and wobbled those legs,
you clapped them hands and shook them hips,
your eyes covered with pennies,
now rest Willy rest.

Information about this poem
Dancing Willy lived in my neighborhood when I was a child. He was also a fixtu[re in the park that I used to play in. If someone gave him a penny, he would dance and everyone would laugh at him. He was harmless and docile because of a scar on his head. When I look back on it, his story is obviously sad. However, a child generally only sees things at face value. I didn't realize what we were doing was actually wrong and that he was afflicted. I only saw a guy who would dance for a penny. I figure I owe him a little more for his time considering how fresh his image remains in my thoughts. I set these lines this way for clarity, and I am open to all suggestions.
Thank you in advance for your time.
Chazz
[/size]

Hello charles,
I confess that this one troubles me on several levels. The reason I use the "confess" word is because I knew Willy...not your Willy...my Willy. Where I am now, I am convinced that there is, or will be, a Willy in everyone's life. So. What's my point? Well, if you want this to work you have to convince me that your Willy is better than my Willy. You think I am joking? No. Not even close.
This is a formula poem. The concept is much greater than the poetry...to you.
As a tribute or memorial it is fine, just fine...but as a poem it is thin as cellophane.
Look what you give me. He's a crazy old nigger ( please, historically anachronistic? OK. Try "black bastard"...happy now?) who dances a weird ol' dance for a dollar. He was in a movie or seven...I saw him.
Now, this MAY be veracity verse...so MAKE me believe in your Willy. As it is, you are sticking a few uninspiring cameo-construct words in to a story that has been overtold...if there is such a word...and if there ain't there should be.
Frankly, I rather wish you had not given the resume and had made the whole thing up...it would have been more believable if it was fictional.
On a different level...you have missed an opportunity here. This is a DANCE you are poeticising. Where is the rhythm?
On a different level...you missed an opportunity here. This is a MEMORY...your memory...your fond/familiar/favourite memory...where is the pathos, the imagined depth of time-enhanced emotions.
It needs more texture.
Best,
tectak

[Charlesjoseph]

Hello charles,
I confess that this one troubles me on several levels. The reason I use the "confess" word is because I knew Willy...not your Willy...my Willy. Where I am now, I am convinced that there is, or will be, a Willy in everyone's life. So. What's my point? Well, if you want this to work you have to convince me that your Willy is better than my Willy. You think I am joking? No. Not even close.
This is a formula poem. The concept is much greater than the poetry...to you.
As a tribute or memorial it is fine, just fine...but as a poem it is thin as cellophane.
Look what you give me. He's a crazy old nigger ( please, historically anachronistic? OK. Try "black bastard"...happy now?) who dances a weird ol' dance for a dollar. He was in a movie or seven...I saw him.
Now, this MAY be veracity verse...so MAKE me believe in your Willy. As it is, you are sticking a few uninspiring cameo-construct words in to a story that has been overtold...if there is such a word...and if there ain't there should be.
Frankly, I rather wish you had not given the resume and had made the whole thing up...it would have been more believable if it was fictional.
On a different level...you have missed an opportunity here. This is a DANCE you are poeticising. Where is the rhythm?
On a different level...you missed an opportunity here. This is a MEMORY...your memory...your fond/familiar/favourite memory...where is the pathos, the imagined depth of time-enhanced emotions.
It needs more texture.
Best,
tectak
[/quote]

Hey Tectak,
I'm sorry that my work has troubled you on so many levels. As far as convincing you that my willy is better than yours, it's a moot point. It was not my intention to glorify and honor his life but to apologize in some way for my actions. That is the pathos. Also, there has been some controversy over my beautiful black bastard line. Sorry but it was not inserted to gild the lily. There are multiple meanings in that line but if you really want to dissect it, split it into three words. Beautiful- (innocent because of his affliction- he was free from inhibition) --black- (he was black)-- bastard- (cast out) ....That is all.... Historically anachronistic? God give me a break get over yourself, your pomposity is mind blowing. You invented the crazy nigger in your head not me because I write the truth that exists inside me. So if i wanted to put crazy old nigger i would have. I don't filter myself obviously.

Frankly, I rather wish you had not given the resume and had made the whole thing up...it would have been more believable if it was fictional.
I wrote the resume in the bottom so that anyone who was going to critique this poem would have some background on the subject to help me make this better.

On a different level...you have missed an opportunity here. This is a DANCE you are poeticising. Where is the rhythm?
There is no verbal rhythm to this dance... Do you have an idea that will help me in anyway?

It needs more texture.
Now this can help me Where? How? Can you elaborate as to how you would handle this poem?

Overall your critique seemed more like a foot stomp than anything else ... If tough love is your approach then I feel really sorry for you. There are better ways to skin this cat. Also, perhaps you should rethink the way that you address people that are trying to improve their craft, because you can defiantly damage a persons self esteem and possibly make them give up on something that they enjoy. I may be crazy but i'm pretty sure that that's already happened once or twice on this site. This may come as a surprise but not everyone has your poetic ability, so why not give advice as to how i can make this poem better instead of writing me something that reads like hate mail.
XXOO,
Charles

[tectak]

Hello charles,
I confess that this one troubles me on several levels. The reason I use the "confess" word is because I knew Willy...not your Willy...my Willy. Where I am now, I am convinced that there is, or will be, a Willyo in everyone's life. So. What's my point? Well, if you want this to work you have to convince me that your Willy is better than my Willy. You think I am joking? No. Not even close.
This is a formula poem. The concept is much greater than the poetry...to you.
As a tribute or memorial it is fine, just fine...but as a poem it is thin as cellophane.
Look what you give me. He's a crazy old nigger ( please, historically anachronistic? OK. Try "black bastard"...happy now?) who dances a weird ol' dance for a dollar. He was in a movie or seven...I saw him.
Now, this MAY be veracity verse...so MAKE me believe in your Willy. As it is, you are sticking a few uninspiring cameo-construct words in to a story that has been overtold...if there is such a word...and if there ain't there should be.
Frankly, I rather wish you had not given the resume and had made the whole thing up...it would have been more believable if it was fictional.
On a different level...you have missed an opportunity here. This is a DANCE you are poeticising. Where is the rhythm?
On a different level...you missed an opportunity here. This is a MEMORY...your memory...your fond/familiar/favourite memory...where is the pathos, the imagined depth of time-enhanced emotions.
It needs more texture.
Best,
tectak

Hey Tectak,
I'm sorry that my work has troubled you on so many levels. As far as convincing you that my willy is better than yours, it's a moot point. It was not my intention to glorify and honor his life but to apologize in some way for my actions. That is the pathos. Also, there has been some controversy over my beautiful black bastard line. Sorry but it was not inserted to gild the lily. There are multiple meanings in that line but if you really want to dissect it, split it into three words. Beautiful- (innocent because of his affliction- he was free from inhibition) --black- (he was black)-- bastard- (cast out) ....That is all.... Historically anachronistic? God give me a break get over yourself, your pomposity is mind blowing. You invented the crazy nigger in your head not me because I write the truth that exists inside me. So if i wanted to put crazy old nigger i would have. I don't filter myself obviously.

Frankly, I rather wish you had not given the resume and had made the whole thing up...it would have been more believable if it was fictional.
I wrote the resume in the bottom so that anyone who was going to critique this poem would have some background on the subject to help me make this better.

On a different level...you have missed an opportunity here. This is a DANCE you are poeticising. Where is the rhythm?
There is no verbal rhythm to this dance... Do you have an idea that will help me in anyway?

It needs more texture.
Now this can help me Where? How? Can you elaborate as to how you would handle this poem?

Overall your critique seemed more like a foot stomp than anything else ... If tough love is your approach then I feel really sorry for you. There are better ways to skin this cat. Also, perhaps you should rethink the way that you address people that are trying to improve their craft, because you can defiantly damage a persons self esteem and possibly make them give up on something that they enjoy. I may be crazy but i'm pretty sure that that's already happened once or twice on this site. This may come as a surprise but not everyone has your poetic ability, so why not give advice as to how i can make this poem better instead of writing me something that reads like hate mail.
XXOO,
Charles
[/quote]
Hello charles,
No prisoners taken and no favourites. I call as I see. The points I made stand from where I am looking. My poetic ability is, like yours, open to crit. OK. Enough of this banter.
Texture. You have a story to tell which by your externalising is true. So you write it as you see it. OK. Docuverse. Now write it so that I can feel what you feel. You see, I don't want side notes to tell me how I should react to a poem. I want the POEM to tell me.
Descriptively you got strung out with a simplistic dance. Why did be dance the way he did? Was he crazy? What made him crazy? Where did he sleep? How did be live? Why was he here? You didn't know then, but this is now. What are your contemporaneous thoughts? How do you reconcile your thinking then and now? Are you sorry for your opinion or actions then? Is there a Iife lesson metaphor in the story? YES! Yes!
...and that is what I feel is missing. At the end of it all I found myself asking...and your point is?
So don't go getting all prima donna...I comment on your poem, not you. Trouble is, the poem seems to be about you as much, or more, than Willy...and it is your texture that is missing.
Rhythm? Oh come on....you ARE well written and you don't need anyone to tell you what rhythm is....just question why you didn't use it.

Do NOT be dissuaded by crit on this site, in this forum, by this or any other crit. You post in Serious workshopping and you will get serious crit.
I square the circle...I post poetry, too.
Best,
tectak

[Charlesjoseph]

Hey Tectak,
Thank you for honesty, help, and above all time. Your last transmission has clarified what you were trying to tell me, and In the morning (that's when i write) I will try to locate what you and I believe is missing from this story. By the way, I was aware that there were holes here, perhaps i ran away from the darkness and chose the easy road from the beginning, i don't know, maybe i can salvage it. Time will tell.
cheers,
Chazz

[tectak]

Hey Tectak,
Thank you for honesty, help, and above all time. Your last transmission has clarified what you were trying to tell me, and In the morning (that's when i write) I will try to locate what you and I believe is missing from this story. By the way, I was aware that there were holes here, perhaps i ran away from the darkness and chose the easy road from the beginning, i don't know, maybe i can salvage it. Time will tell.
cheers,
Chazz

Good egg,
I look forward to an expanded version. There is a huge amount of emotional currency hidden in this one. I am tempted to steal from you
Best,
tectak

[Charlesjoseph]

Hey Tektak,
I posted a revision up top based on your advice.

[Todd]

Talk about an edit improving a poem.

I'll have to read this a few more times before I'm ready to comment more, but first impressions: I love what you did here, Chazz.

[tectak]

The Ballad of Dancing Willy Rabbit Heart ( complete overhaul As per Tektak's critique.)

I know a place in the Willowbrook pines,
where they kept sick children in cages-[The hell with it. Keep the dash. It flies[/b]
five-foot-five, only he would survive,
to dance for miniscule wages.

What led him to this as a child I missed,
but for a penny he'd play his part-
In the park by the slide, a memory resides,
of dancing Willy Rabbit Heart. Yes. Your MEMORY. Now I see it through your eyes. VG

With yellow eyes and grey side chops,
he could shuck and jive real good-
with a pittance for a tip, he'd shake his hips,
for any kid in the neighborhood.

Willy poor Willy what did we do,
but swarm round you like bees- Question mark here, really
with skin like tar, and a lobotomy scar, tripping on the "a". Omit?
we'd dance you to your knees.

What led him to this as child I missed,
but now that I know much more-
in burlap sealed, in the potters field, ...potter's
a man that god ignored. If you don't feel inclined to capitalise god, and why should you, try "a man that his god ignored"

And of all my childhood memories,[b] work on removing the "and". it is a weak opener.
some bittersweet some tart- Suggestion only. " some bitter, some sweet, some tart". Your poem.
a ghost resides, in the pit of my mind,
named dancing Willy Rabbit Heart.



------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The ballad of Dancing Willy Rabbit Heart (Chris/ chazz edit.)

Dance Willy dance,
yellow eyed and wretched,
grey side chops and lobotomy scar,
everyone knows you're crazy - except you.

That's it Willy,
you beautiful black bastard,
move those arms wobble those legs,
in a spittle stained T-shirt and polyester pants.

Dance Willy dance,
act the child for children,
clap them hands shake them hips,
I gave you a penny now, dance, dance, dance.

That's it Willy,
old then, dead now
pine scented but unforgettable
everyone thought you were crazy - except you.

Well done Willy,
you moved those arms and wobbled those legs,
you clapped them hands and shook them hips,
eyes covered with pennies,

now rest Willy rest.

--------------------------------
(original)

The ballad of Dancing Willy Rabbit Heart

Dance Willy dance,
I gave you a penny so make me laugh,
everyone knows you're crazy except you.

That's it Willy,
you beautiful black bastard,
move those arms wobble those legs,
in a spittle stained T-shirt and polyester pants. ( edit BY vicktor)

Dance Willy dance,
yellow eyed and wretched,
grey side chops and lobotomy scar,
everyone knows you're crazy except you.

That's it Willy,
act the child for children,
clap them hands shake them hips,
here's another penny now, dance, dance, dance.

Dance Willy dance
old then, dead now
pine scented but unforgettable
everyone thought you were crazy except you.

Well done Willy,
you moved those arms and wobbled those legs,
you clapped them hands and shook them hips,
your eyes covered with pennies,
now rest Willy rest.

Information about this poem
Dancing Willy lived in my neighborhood when I was a child. He was also a fixture in the park that I used to play in. If someone gave him a penny, he would dance and everyone would laugh at him. He was harmless and docile because of a scar on his head. When I look back on it, his story is obviously sad. However, a child generally only sees things at face value. I didn't realize what we were doing was actually wrong and that he was afflicted. I only saw a guy who would dance for a penny. I figure I owe him a little more for his time considering how fresh his image remains in my thoughts. I set these lines this way for clarity, and I am open to all suggestions.
Thank you in advance for your time.
Chazz
[/size]

Bloody wonderful edit! Now you can say that I would say that, wouldn't I, but no...this is YOUR poem and it is excellent. You have now put yourself (or your narrator) in to the poem so that the reader can SEE what you see. This is what makes poetry so damned wonderful! I applaud you for being bold enough to take this on....but you did have a whole smorgasbord of emotional canapes to go at. Because of the conceptual improvement you can easily get away with missed and off-rhymes. I say this often but it falls on deaf or directional ears...write good poetry and you can be BAD! It just does not matter if a rhyme fails, flounders or fucks off. It does not matter if there is a deliciously tripping meter...it makes the piece alive. Yes to this. You may want to play with it...it's yours. I have nothing to add.
Well done.
Best,
tectak

[Charlesjoseph]

[quote='Todd' pid='147739' dateline='1384960971']
Talk about an edit improving a poem.

I'll have to read this a few more times before I'm ready to comment more, but first impressions: I love what you did here, Chazz.


Hey Todd,
Thanks for liking the edit i think it still needs some screws tightened let me know if anything sticks out to you.
thanks as always,
Chazz

---

Hey Tectak,
Thanks for the kind words and the kick in the ass. I'm pretty happy with where this ended up and although it still needs a few tweeks it was a good way to change up my writing style and reboot my thinking pattern.
cheers,
Chazz

[Truerenigma]

The Ballad of Dancing Willy Rabbit Heart ( complete overhaul As per Tektak's critique.)

I know a place in the Willowbrook pines,
where they kept sick children in cages-
five-foot-five, only he would survive,
to dance for miniscule wages.

What led him to this as a child I missed,
but for a penny he'd play his part-
In the park by the slide, a memory resides,
of dancing Willy Rabbit Heart.

With yellow eyes and grey side chops,
he could shuck and jive real good-
with a pittance for a tip, he'd shake his hips,
for any kid in the neighborhood.

Willy poor Willy what did we do,
but swarm round you like bees-
with skin like tar, and a lobotomy scar,
we'd dance you to your knees. I just don't want this to be overlooked. It says: With skin like tar, and a lobotomy scar, we'd dance you to your knees. Syntax error: the preceding descriptive noun series applies to the "we", instead of Willy.

What led him to this as child I missed,
but now that I know much more-
in burlap sealed, in the potters field,
a man that god ignored.

And of all my childhood memories,
some bittersweet some tart-
a ghost resides, in the pit of my mind,
named dancing Willy Rabbit Heart.



------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The ballad of Dancing Willy Rabbit Heart (Chris/ chazz edit.)

Dance Willy dance,
yellow eyed and wretched,
grey side chops and lobotomy scar,
everyone knows you're crazy - except you.

That's it Willy,
you beautiful black bastard,
move those arms wobble those legs,
in a spittle stained T-shirt and polyester pants.

Dance Willy dance,
act the child for children,
clap them hands shake them hips,
I gave you a penny now, dance, dance, dance.

That's it Willy,
old then, dead now
pine scented but unforgettable
everyone thought you were crazy - except you.

Well done Willy,
you moved those arms and wobbled those legs,
you clapped them hands and shook them hips,
eyes covered with pennies,

now rest Willy rest.

--------------------------------
(original)

The ballad of Dancing Willy Rabbit Heart

Dance Willy dance,
I gave you a penny so make me laugh,
everyone knows you're crazy except you.

That's it Willy,
you beautiful black bastard,
move those arms wobble those legs,
in a spittle stained T-shirt and polyester pants. ( edit BY vicktor)

Dance Willy dance,
yellow eyed and wretched,
grey side chops and lobotomy scar,
everyone knows you're crazy except you.

That's it Willy,
act the child for children,
clap them hands shake them hips,
here's another penny now, dance, dance, dance.

Dance Willy dance
old then, dead now
pine scented but unforgettable
everyone thought you were crazy except you.

Well done Willy,
you moved those arms and wobbled those legs,
you clapped them hands and shook them hips,
your eyes covered with pennies,
now rest Willy rest.

Information about this poem
Dancing Willy lived in my neighborhood when I was a child. He was also a fixture in the park that I used to play in. If someone gave him a penny, he would dance and everyone would laugh at him. He was harmless and docile because of a scar on his head. When I look back on it, his story is obviously sad. However, a child generally only sees things at face value. I didn't realize what we were doing was actually wrong and that he was afflicted. I only saw a guy who would dance for a penny. I figure I owe him a little more for his time considering how fresh his image remains in my thoughts. I set these lines this way for clarity, and I am open to all suggestions.
Thank you in advance for your time.
Chazz
[/size]

The edit is miles ahead of the previous. A great improvement; you've found your form, now you just need to pursue it a little further. I'm excited about this one.


See if you can hammer the lines down a bit more, and possibly get rid of some of the rhyme-driven inversions. You need a comma or perhaps "and" after bittersweet, unless you go with Tom Tectak's suggestion, the line really trips up the tongue in its current state.

[Charlesjoseph]

The Ballad of Dancing Willy Rabbit Heart ( complete overhaul As per Tektak's critique.)

I know a place in the Willowbrook pines,
where they kept sick children in cages-
five-foot-five, only he would survive,
to dance for miniscule wages.

What led him to this as a child I missed,
but for a penny he'd play his part-
In the park by the slide, a memory resides,
of dancing Willy Rabbit Heart.

With yellow eyes and grey side chops,
he could shuck and jive real good-
with a pittance for a tip, he'd shake his hips,
for any kid in the neighborhood.

Willy poor Willy what did we do,
but swarm round you like bees-
with skin like tar, and a lobotomy scar, [b]i understand the error now that you pointed it out i will reconcile it in the next edit.
we'd dance you to your knees.------ I just don't want this to be overlooked. It says: With skin like tar, and a lobotomy scar, we'd dance you to your knees. Syntax error: the preceding descriptive noun series applies to the "we", instead of Willy.-----

What led him to this as child I missed,
but now that I know much more-
in burlap sealed, in the potters field,
a man that god ignored.

And of all my childhood memories, (this is probably going to be sins
some bittersweet some tart- this line is pretty flimsy i will sure it up in the edit.
a ghost resides, in the pit of my mind,
named dancing Willy Rabbit Heart.





The edit is miles ahead of the previous. A great improvement; you've found your form, now you just need to pursue it a little further. I'm excited about this one.


See if you can hammer the lines down a bit more, and possibly get rid of some of the rhyme-driven inversions. You need a comma or perhaps "and" after bittersweet, unless you go with Tom Tectak's suggestion, the line really trips up the tongue in its current state.
[/quote]

Hey True,
Thanks for your help. Can you elaborate on rhyme-driven inversions? , and bold out what you believe are weak links.
much appreciated
Chazz