Boardwalks (edit #4.1)

[ellajam]

"Replay the barks that broke dawn's hush,"

Because I'm a poet rather than a scholar of poetry, I don't know how to teach someone to grasp a sense of cadence: when it works and when it doesn't.

Here, the rhythm falters by one beat, or semi-beat. Had you written:

"Play the barks that broke dawn's hush,"

...all would be well. But the "Re-" sets it akimbo.

You might check out Stephen Fry's "The Ode Less Travelled" for a lively discussion of rhythm, meter and and so forth.

Lance

Thanks for reading and for your comments, Lance.

A new edit is posted chucking most of the changes and trying to clarify here and there. Replay was one of those failed changes.

I'm still having an issue with those bicycles, I can never hear the problem although I understand everyone's explanations. I tried "and the bikes that were pedaled" but I missed the sound of the word bicycles.

I'm hoping the little changes I made will help, but I'm not sure I'm done there.

[71degrees]

edit #2 (milo, trueenigma, lance)


Boardwalks

Drift along the shoreline's ghost
paths, count the feet that rutted
its splintered gray slats
and the bicycles pedaled
as morning's rolling light set fire
to the curves of early tides.

Hear the barks that broke dawn's hush
as dogs burst through their freedom run;
hear the murmur of old friends who passed
long days as the horizon glittered before
them, reflected in storefronts, now shuttered.

Absorb the empty spaces
where the lucky lived; buried
lawns scattered with debris
and salt-worn memories
still wait, twelve months shredded,
for their autumn rakes.





edit #1 (thank you Chris, Brendan, milo, chazz, true)

Boardwalks

Drift along the shoreline's ghost
paths, count the feet that rutted
its splintered gray slats. Conjure
the gleam of bicycles ridden
as morning's rolling light set fire
to the curves of early tides.

Replay the barks that broke dawn's hush,
paw mallets on tympanic boards
as dogs burst through their freedom run;
hear the murmur of old friends who passed
long days as the horizon glittered before
them, reflected in storefronts (now shuttered) behind.

Absorb the empty spaces
where the lucky lived; buried
lawns scattered with debris
and salt-worn memories
still wait (twelve months shredded)
for their autumn rakes.


Original

Drift along the shoreline's ghost
paths; count the feet that rutted
the splintered gray slats,
the bicycles pedaled
as mornings' rolling light set fire
to the curves of early tides.

Hear the dogs' yap and pant
bursting through their freedom run;
the murmur of old friends
that fill long days as the horizon
glitters before them, reflected
in storefronts (now shuttered) behind.

Absorb the empty spaces
where the lucky lived; buried
lawns scattered with debris
and what were memories
still wait (twelve months shredded)
for their autumn rakes.


I'm not sure I'm settled on this. Any suggestions, particularly on punctuation changes, are of course welcomed. I keep adding the "the"s then cutting them again. Help please.

You already know my feeling toward end marks ( I'd get rid of all of them. Same with the "the's"…personal choice. If you write your poems for your voice and you need the "the's" to help your cadence…keep 'em. If not, get rid of the unnecessary ones. As far as the poem, I'm missing the concrete. So much of this is abstract. I get no sense of place. I like it, but I get no sense of place. This could be anywhere and I so want it to be somewhere.

[Truerenigma]

edit #2 (milo, trueenigma, lance)


Boardwalks

Drift along the shoreline's ghost
paths, count the feet that rutted
its splintered gray slats
and the bicycles pedaled
as morning's rolling light set fire
to the curves of early tides.

Hear the barks that broke dawn's hush
as dogs burst through their freedom run;
hear the murmur of old friends who passed
long days as the horizon glittered before
them, reflected in storefronts, now shuttered.

Absorb the empty spaces
where the lucky lived; buried
lawns scattered with debris
and salt-worn memories
still wait, twelve months shredded,
for their autumn rakes.





edit #1 (thank you Chris, Brendan, milo, chazz, true)

Boardwalks

Drift along the shoreline's ghost
paths, count the feet that rutted
its splintered gray slats. Conjure
the gleam of bicycles ridden
as morning's rolling light set fire
to the curves of early tides.

Replay the barks that broke dawn's hush,
paw mallets on tympanic boards
as dogs burst through their freedom run;
hear the murmur of old friends who passed
long days as the horizon glittered before
them, reflected in storefronts (now shuttered) behind.

Absorb the empty spaces
where the lucky lived; buried
lawns scattered with debris
and salt-worn memories
still wait (twelve months shredded)
for their autumn rakes.


Original

Drift along the shoreline's ghost
paths; count the feet that rutted
the splintered gray slats,
the bicycles pedaled
as mornings' rolling light set fire
to the curves of early tides.

Hear the dogs' yap and pant
bursting through their freedom run;
the murmur of old friends
that fill long days as the horizon
glitters before them, reflected
in storefronts (now shuttered) behind.

Absorb the empty spaces
where the lucky lived; buried
lawns scattered with debris
and what were memories
still wait (twelve months shredded)
for their autumn rakes.


I'm not sure I'm settled on this. Any suggestions, particularly on punctuation changes, are of course welcomed. I keep adding the "the"s then cutting them again. Help please.

We're getting there. Maybe a comma after slats in S1, and also after bicycles, befor pedaled?

[ellajam]

edit #2 (milo, trueenigma, lance)


Boardwalks

Drift along the shoreline's ghost
paths, count the feet that rutted
its splintered gray slats
and the bicycles pedaled
as morning's rolling light set fire
to the curves of early tides.

Hear the barks that broke dawn's hush
as dogs burst through their freedom run;
hear the murmur of old friends who passed
long days as the horizon glittered before
them, reflected in storefronts, now shuttered.

Absorb the empty spaces
where the lucky lived; buried
lawns scattered with debris
and salt-worn memories
still wait, twelve months shredded,
for their autumn rakes.





edit #1 (thank you Chris, Brendan, milo, chazz, true)

Boardwalks

Drift along the shoreline's ghost
paths, count the feet that rutted
its splintered gray slats. Conjure
the gleam of bicycles ridden
as morning's rolling light set fire
to the curves of early tides.

Replay the barks that broke dawn's hush,
paw mallets on tympanic boards
as dogs burst through their freedom run;
hear the murmur of old friends who passed
long days as the horizon glittered before
them, reflected in storefronts (now shuttered) behind.

Absorb the empty spaces
where the lucky lived; buried
lawns scattered with debris
and salt-worn memories
still wait (twelve months shredded)
for their autumn rakes.


Original

Drift along the shoreline's ghost
paths; count the feet that rutted
the splintered gray slats,
the bicycles pedaled
as mornings' rolling light set fire
to the curves of early tides.

Hear the dogs' yap and pant
bursting through their freedom run;
the murmur of old friends
that fill long days as the horizon
glitters before them, reflected
in storefronts (now shuttered) behind.

Absorb the empty spaces
where the lucky lived; buried
lawns scattered with debris
and what were memories
still wait (twelve months shredded)
for their autumn rakes.


I'm not sure I'm settled on this. Any suggestions, particularly on punctuation changes, are of course welcomed. I keep adding the "the"s then cutting them again. Help please.

You already know my feeling toward end marks ( I'd get rid of all of them. Same with the "the's"…personal choice. If you write your poems for your voice and you need the "the's" to help your cadence…keep 'em. If not, get rid of the unnecessary ones. As far as the poem, I'm missing the concrete. So much of this is abstract. I get no sense of place. I like it, but I get no sense of place. This could be anywhere and I so want it to be somewhere.

Hi, 71, thanks for your notes. First, the periods, I think they would have suited your poem, and I think they suit this one.

The "the"s, I have to step away from the poem, or maybe listen to it both ways to decide. i'm still on the fence there.

I understand just what you mean about location solidifying the piece. It's true that it could apply to any post-flood town, float around the world and land anywhere. Right now I like that, but I will certainly think about whether or not the poem suffers by not being tied down.

---

We're getting there. Maybe a comma after slats in S1, and also after bicycles, before pedaled?

Thanks, Tru, I removed the comma after slats when I added the and after it, so I'm unsure there, but the comma after bicycles I have never considered. I think it may be my answer to the difference between what I hear and what other readers hear.

Drift along the shoreline's ghost
paths, count the feet that rutted
its splintered gray slats
and the bicycles, pedaled
as morning's rolling light set fire
to the curves of early tides.

hhmmm, maybe, or maybe something else has to change too.
I'll have to think on it.
Thanks so much for your time and ideas, greatly appreciated.

[ellajam]

Again in my editing dilemma, I read what should be an improvement and miss the rougher original.

edit 2:
Hear the barks that broke dawn's hush
as dogs burst through their freedom run;

I like the meter, and billy doesn't have to post for me to hear the advantage to dropping the ing, but I miss the shortness of the original:



Hear the dogs' yap and pant
bursting through their freedom run;

I like them bursting and I miss pant.

I can't use "Hear the pants" because I picture dogs in silly outfits.

thinking....

[milo]

Again in my editing dilemma, I read what should be an improvement and miss the rougher original.

edit 2:
Hear the barks that broke dawn's hush
as dogs burst through their freedom run;

I like the meter, and billy doesn't have to post for me to hear the advantage to dropping the ing, but I miss the shortness of the original:



Hear the dogs' yap and pant
bursting through their freedom run;

I like them bursting and I miss pant.

I can't use "Hear the pants" because I picture dogs in silly outfits.

thinking....

out of these 2 the first is miles better - the meter, the sonics, the voice and you don't have conjunctive verbs which always feel wrong in poems/

[ellajam]

Again in my editing dilemma, I read what should be an improvement and miss the rougher original.

edit 2:
Hear the barks that broke dawn's hush
as dogs burst through their freedom run;

I like the meter, and billy doesn't have to post for me to hear the advantage to dropping the ing, but I miss the shortness of the original:



Hear the dogs' yap and pant
bursting through their freedom run;

I like them bursting and I miss pant.

I can't use "Hear the pants" because I picture dogs in silly outfits.

thinking....

out of these 2 the first is miles better - the meter, the sonics, the voice and you don't have conjunctive verbs which always feel wrong in poems/

Not missing the pant, eh? I always have trouble dropping certain words. I'm going to see if there's a decent way to pull it back in, if not I'll drop it.

How about bicycles pedaled? True's bicycles, pedaled? I want both words, together.

[milo]

Again in my editing dilemma, I read what should be an improvement and miss the rougher original.

edit 2:
Hear the barks that broke dawn's hush
as dogs burst through their freedom run;

I like the meter, and billy doesn't have to post for me to hear the advantage to dropping the ing, but I miss the shortness of the original:



Hear the dogs' yap and pant
bursting through their freedom run;

I like them bursting and I miss pant.

I can't use "Hear the pants" because I picture dogs in silly outfits.

thinking....

out of these 2 the first is miles better - the meter, the sonics, the voice and you don't have conjunctive verbs which always feel wrong in poems/

Not missing the pant, eh? I always have trouble dropping certain words. I'm going to see if there's a decent way to pull it back in, if not I'll drop it.

How about bicycles pedaled? True's bicycles, pedaled? I want them both, together.

I liked pants but sometimes you need to sacrifice for the greater good. I think I commented on "pedaled" earlier in the thread (I preferred it).

[ellajam]

out of these 2 the first is miles better - the meter, the sonics, the voice and you don't have conjunctive verbs which always feel wrong in poems/

Not missing the pant, eh? I always have trouble dropping certain words. I'm going to see if there's a decent way to pull it back in, if not I'll drop it.

How about bicycles pedaled? True's bicycles, pedaled? I want them both, together.

I liked pants but sometimes you need to sacrifice for the greater good. I think I commented on "pedaled" earlier in the thread (I preferred it).

True's comma makes a big difference:

Drift along the shoreline's ghost
paths, count the feet that rutted
its splintered gray slats
and the bicycles pedaled
as morning's rolling light set fire
to the curves of early tides.

Drift along the shoreline's ghost
paths, count the feet that rutted
its splintered gray slats
and the bicycles, pedaled
as morning's rolling light set fire
to the curves of early tides.

great view from the fence.

Sacrifice for the greater good, meh, might just be lazy not to get it all. If I managed to find a good line without pant may I can find a good one with it, it really is so much better than bark.

Words.

[milo]

Not missing the pant, eh? I always have trouble dropping certain words. I'm going to see if there's a decent way to pull it back in, if not I'll drop it.

How about bicycles pedaled? True's bicycles, pedaled? I want them both, together.

I liked pants but sometimes you need to sacrifice for the greater good. I think I commented on "pedaled" earlier in the thread (I preferred it).

True's comma makes a big difference:

Drift along the shoreline's ghost
paths, count the feet that rutted
its splintered gray slats
and the bicycles pedaled
as morning's rolling light set fire
to the curves of early tides.

Drift along the shoreline's ghost
paths, count the feet that rutted
its splintered gray slats
and the bicycles, pedaled
as morning's rolling light set fire
to the curves of early tides.

great view from the fence.

Sacrifice for the greater good, meh, might just be lazy not to get it all. If I managed to find a good line without pant may I can find a good one with it, it really is so much better than bark.

Words.

no rush, we're not going anywhere. I am going to read through your top-posted version a few times and see how it holds up.

(I might pant a few times to overcompensate)

[ellajam]

I liked pants but sometimes you need to sacrifice for the greater good. I think I commented on "pedaled" earlier in the thread (I preferred it).

True's comma makes a big difference:

Drift along the shoreline's ghost
paths, count the feet that rutted
its splintered gray slats
and the bicycles pedaled
as morning's rolling light set fire
to the curves of early tides.

Drift along the shoreline's ghost
paths, count the feet that rutted
its splintered gray slats
and the bicycles, pedaled
as morning's rolling light set fire
to the curves of early tides.

great view from the fence.

Sacrifice for the greater good, meh, might just be lazy not to get it all. If I managed to find a good line without pant may I can find a good one with it, it really is so much better than bark.

Words.

no rush, we're not going anywhere. I am going to read through your top-posted version a few times and see how it holds up.

(I might pant a few times to overcompensate)

[milo]

True's comma makes a big difference:

Drift along the shoreline's ghost
paths, count the feet that rutted
its splintered gray slats
and the bicycles pedaled
as morning's rolling light set fire
to the curves of early tides.

Drift along the shoreline's ghost
paths, count the feet that rutted
its splintered gray slats
and the bicycles, pedaled
as morning's rolling light set fire
to the curves of early tides.

great view from the fence.

Sacrifice for the greater good, meh, might just be lazy not to get it all. If I managed to find a good line without pant may I can find a good one with it, it really is so much better than bark.

Words.

no rush, we're not going anywhere. I am going to read through your top-posted version a few times and see how it holds up.

(I might pant a few times to overcompensate)

I have read through it another 10 times and I really like it. If you need to use pant, maybe try it instead of burst - not that I think one is better, just that it might make an interesting change. i don't think you need to add anything and your current lines are good. Did you record an audio?

[ellajam]

no rush, we're not going anywhere. I am going to read through your top-posted version a few times and see how it holds up.

(I might pant a few times to overcompensate)

I have read through it another 10 times and I really like it. If you need to use pant, maybe try it instead of burst - not that I think one is better, just that it might make an interesting change. i don't think you need to add anything and your current lines are good. Did you record an audio?

Not of the last edit, I put it aside a bit. Burst/pant is interesting, maybe I'll record both ways, decide and call it a day. Thanks, milo.

[milo]

I have read through it another 10 times and I really like it. If you need to use pant, maybe try it instead of burst - not that I think one is better, just that it might make an interesting change. i don't think you need to add anything and your current lines are good. Did you record an audio?

Not of the last edit, I put it aside a bit. Burst/pant is interesting, maybe I'll record both ways, decide and call it a day. Thanks, milo.

post the audio HERE so I can hear it.

[Truerenigma]

I have read through it another 10 times and I really like it. If you need to use pant, maybe try it instead of burst - not that I think one is better, just that it might make an interesting change. i don't think you need to add anything and your current lines are good. Did you record an audio?

Not of the last edit, I put it aside a bit. Burst/pant is interesting, maybe I'll record both ways, decide and call it a day. Thanks, milo.

post the audio HERE so I can hear it.

I wanna hear it too.

[ellajam]

Not of the last edit, I put it aside a bit. Burst/pant is interesting, maybe I'll record both ways, decide and call it a day. Thanks, milo.

post the audio HERE so I can hear it.

I wanna hear it too.

ha, I've never recorded for public consumption, and I'm not sure I'll figure out how to post it, but I'll give it a go. Don't be holding your breath or anything.

---

boardwalks bark

Whew, I'm sure there was an easier way to post it from Ipad, but there it is.

I thought pant won, but then realized it throws my tenses off again. Those lines work best in past tense. Goodbye pant.

[milo]

post the audio HERE so I can hear it.

I wanna hear it too.

ha, I've never recorded for public consumption, and I'm not sure I'll figure out how to post it, but I'll give it a go. Don't be holding your breath or anything.

---

boardwalks pant

boardwalks bark

Whew, I'm sure there was an easier way to post it from Ipad, but there it is.

I thought pant won, but then realized it throws my tenses off again. Those lines work best in past tense. Goodbye pant.

I think you have to share them, i can't access them.

[ellajam]

They work now for me, they're not good, but I'll try again when I get a chance.

[milo]

They work now for me, they're not good, but I'll try again when I get a chance.

I like them, they bring back fond memories of when i used to hang out in New Jersey. Ahh . . . Jersey girls.

[ellajam]

Well, I deleted the pant version cause they were both barks. Moot anyway, because pant will turn it present tense, i don't want to go back there.

Why do I choke on dogs every time? Something might be wrong there. I'm giving up on adding more commas for now, I think the breaks do their job.

Dogs...pups... pant...pups...maybe.

Damn, so close to done.