Posts: 12
Threads: 3
Joined: Oct 2013
Final
The snow comforter
lays warmly, protecting life;
anticipating
1.
The snow's soft blankets
gives warming, life it protects;
anticipating
2.
The winter blankets
gives warmth, life it protects;
welcomes its newest
3.
The winter blankets
gives warmth, life it protects;
anticipating
This is just 3 different ways, not to be considered one.
Posts: 1,279
Threads: 187
Joined: Dec 2016
(01-08-2014, 11:51 AM)Regallis Wrote: The snow's soft blankets
gives warmth, life it protects;
anticipating
The winter blankets
gives warmth, life it protects;
welcomes its newest
The winter blankets
gives warmth, life it protects;
anticipating
soft blankets give
subjects and verbs should not be arguing in poems
Posts: 12
Threads: 3
Joined: Oct 2013
The snow's soft blankets
give warmth, life it protects;
anticipating
The winter blankets
give warmth, life it protects;
welcomes its newest
The winter blankets
give warmth, life it protects;
anticipating
Thank you
Is it correct in form? Is it any good?
Posts: 1,279
Threads: 187
Joined: Dec 2016
(01-08-2014, 12:19 PM)Regallis Wrote: The snow's soft blankets
give warmth, life it protects;
anticipating
The winter blankets
give warmth, life it protects;
welcomes its newest
The winter blankets
give warmth, life it protects;
anticipating
Thank you
Is it correct in form? Is it any good?
life it protects
why backwards speaking are you?
confusing it may be.
Posts: 12
Threads: 3
Joined: Oct 2013
You are funny. Took me a moment but I got it.
The snow's soft blankets
give warmth, protect its life;
anticipating
The winter blankets
give warmth, protect its life;
welcomes its newest
The winter blankets
give warmth, protect its life;
anticipating
Should a apostrophe be used with its?
Posts: 1,279
Threads: 187
Joined: Dec 2016
(01-08-2014, 12:40 PM)Regallis Wrote: You are funny. Took me a moment but I got it.
The snow's soft blankets
give warmth, protect its life;
anticipating
The winter blankets
give warmth, protect its life;
welcomes its newest
The winter blankets
give warmth, protect its life;
anticipating
Should a apostrophe be used with its?
I am not sure but I think "blanket of snow" /might/ be cliche.
Posts: 1,548
Threads: 942
Joined: Dec 2016
(01-08-2014, 11:51 AM)Regallis Wrote: The snow's soft blankets
gives warmth, life it protects; "Blankets" is plural, so "gives" should be singular. Also, "life it protects" sounds Yoda-ish ("strong in this one, is the force"). "Protect [singular again] life" would be more succinct.
anticipating
The winter blankets
gives warmth, life it protects;
welcomes its newest
The winter blankets
gives warmth, life it protects;
anticipating
The latter two stanzas are unnecessary and a bit annoying, to be honest, because their reshuffling of S1's words adds no new meanings or aritifices. Otherwise, S1 is a somewhat effective haiku.
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
Posts: 12
Threads: 3
Joined: Oct 2013
It was just three examples of one stanza. Sorry for not being more specific.
The reason I used "blankets" was because snow is scattered about, making many blankets.
1.
The snow's soft blankets
give warmth, protect it's life;
anticipating
2.
The winter blankets
give warmth, protect it's life;
welcomes its newest
3.
The winter blankets
give warmth, protect it's life;
anticipating
4.
The snow's soft blankets
give warmth, protecting life;
anticipating
Thank you for your comments, and sorry for my ineffective way of writing things out.
Posts: 1,279
Threads: 187
Joined: Dec 2016
(01-08-2014, 01:07 PM)Regallis Wrote: It was just three examples of one stanza. Sorry for not being more specific.
The reason I used "blankets" was because snow is scattered about, making many blankets.
Yah, I am pretty familiar with the expression, it is a cliche
Posts: 12
Threads: 3
Joined: Oct 2013
The snow's comforter
gives warmth, protecting life;
anticipating
Posts: 378
Threads: 8
Joined: Mar 2013
(01-08-2014, 01:32 PM)Regallis Wrote: The snow's comforter
give warmth, protecting life;
anticipating
comforter is better than blanket. but now it's gives again. and it sounds like something is comforting the snow. try playing with the syntax.
Posts: 12
Threads: 3
Joined: Oct 2013
(01-08-2014, 01:35 PM)trueenigma Wrote: (01-08-2014, 01:32 PM)Regallis Wrote: The snow's comforter
give warmth, protecting life;
anticipating
comforter is better than blanket. but now it's gives again. and it sounds like something is comforting the snow. try playing with the syntax.
The snow's comforter
gives warmth, protecting life;
anticipating
Thanks to you all, I must say this is one enlightening experience.
Posts: 12
Threads: 3
Joined: Oct 2013
The snow comforter
lays warmly, protecting life;
anticipating
Milo, thank you for all your help, I really appreciate it. I think I like this one as the final one. Trueenigma, thank you for pointing that out.
|
