The night you taught me anarchy

[jdelacroix]

Your drunk guitar teacher
on stage begged me
to watch over you
in this jam-packed bolgia.

Tobacco fog permeated the air.
The fiends around us,
in black shirts and tattered jeans,
raised their pitchfork fingers
as thunder broke out
from their beer-reeked mouths.

Your attention fixed on stage,
listening to the noise of guitars
screeching through the amplifiers,
and cymbals crashing
like shattered bottles on concrete.

You were barely 16
sipping your can of soda,
exclaiming to me
your view of anarchy.
“Can you see it now?
Amidst the chaos sprouts a rose!”

Yet, all I saw
was you.

[addy]

Very cool poem . Just some of my thoughts.

Remember the night I'm not sure it's necesary for you to frame the poem like this, with a reminiscing "Remember when..?" line; [you can keep it, but I think it's superfluous to the point of the poem, since you can tell the story well enough without it.
you bore anarchy in my head?
Your drunk guitar teacher
on stage begged me
to watch over you
in that jam-packed bolgia.

The tobacco fog permeated the air.
The fiends around us,
in black shirts and tattered jeans,
raised their pitchfork fingers:
in the name of sex, drugs and rock n’ roll. I think since the piece is alreadyt titled Rock Show, this line comes off as a little obvious. Replace it with a more unique line.

Yet,
your heart lingered maybe 'lingered' isn't the word you meant; I know linger means to stay, so I don't quite understand what this means
at the noise: of guitars
screeching from the amplifiers,
and cymbals crashing
like shattered bottles
on concrete.

You were barely 16
sipping your can of soda,
exclaiming to me
your view of anarchy.
“Can you see it now?
Amidst the chaos sprouts a rose!”

I stood still. not the strongest line for me, not sure why. I think it's because I had no idea what you were actually doing before she stunned you to silence. Were you dancing or thrashing? Were you even standing?If I imagined in my head that you were already standing still then the line doesn't have the same impact.
All I saw was you.

You'll have to wait for Billy's critique. He's on a trrip right now and it'll take a while for him to get on a computer again

Overall nice job!

[jdelacroix]

Very cool poem . Just some of my thoughts.

Remember the night I'm not sure it's necesary for you to frame the poem like this, with a reminiscing "Remember when..?" line; [you can keep it, but I think it's superfluous to the point of the poem, since you can tell the story well enough without it.
you bore anarchy in my head?
Your drunk guitar teacher
on stage begged me
to watch over you
in that jam-packed bolgia.

The tobacco fog permeated the air.
The fiends around us,
in black shirts and tattered jeans,
raised their pitchfork fingers:
in the name of sex, drugs and rock n’ roll. I think since the piece is alreadyt titled Rock Show, this line comes off as a little obvious. Replace it with a more unique line.

Yet,
your heart lingered maybe 'lingered' isn't the word you meant; I know linger means to stay, so I don't quite understand what this means
at the noise: of guitars
screeching from the amplifiers,
and cymbals crashing
like shattered bottles
on concrete.

You were barely 16
sipping your can of soda,
exclaiming to me
your view of anarchy.
“Can you see it now?
Amidst the chaos sprouts a rose!”

I stood still. not the strongest line for me, not sure why. I think it's because I had no idea what you were actually doing before she stunned you to silence. Were you dancing or thrashing? Were you even standing?If I imagined in my head that you were already standing still then the line doesn't have the same impact.
All I saw was you.

You'll have to wait for Billy's critique. He's on a trrip right now and it'll take a while for him to get on a computer again

Overall nice job!

Hey Addy! Thanks 4 d the critique. Told ya I wasn't sure with this one hahahaha. Anyways I'll edit and wait 4 billy's return some other time. Im working (

[billy]

Remember the night is this line needed?
you bore anarchy in my head?
Your drunk guitar teacher
on stage begged me
to watch over you
in that jam-packed bolgia. five good lines

The tobacco fog permeated the air. is THE needed?
The fiends around us,
in black shirts and tattered jeans,
raised their pitchfork fingers:
in the name of sex, drugs and rock n’ roll. another good stanza though sd&r&r is cliche. oplay around with it a bit

Yet, is YET needed
your heart lingered pounded, rattled or something other than lingered
at the noise: of guitars either lose the : or OF
screeching from the amplifiers, through instead of from maybe?
and cymbals crashing
like shattered bottles
on concrete. this stanza needs a bit of clarity for me

You were barely 16
sipping your can of soda,
exclaiming to me
your view of anarchy.
“Can you see it now?
Amidst the chaos sprouts a rose!” i had to read this stanza twice but it works.

I stood still. is this line needed?
All I saw was you.

---

---

Quite honestly, I'm not sure with this one. Then again, I'm not always sure of my poems

all in all a good effort. all it needs is a small edit to make a big improvement.
some good original lines and one big fat cliche the sex drugs and rock and roll is the one i'm talking about one way to convert the cliche is to openly call it cliched as in:

raised their pitchfork fingers:
in the cliched name of sex,
drugs and rock n’ roll.

the title leaves me a little flat.
the rock show; sounds like a geological convention.
try and lift it by hooking it into the poem or the poem into it.

thanks for the read jd.

if you post any more i'll reply as i get to them

sorry if i'm a bit late though as i'm spending time with my kids in the uk

[jdelacroix]

Remember the night is this line needed?
you bore anarchy in my head?
Your drunk guitar teacher
on stage begged me
to watch over you
in that jam-packed bolgia. five good lines

The tobacco fog permeated the air. is THE needed?
The fiends around us,
in black shirts and tattered jeans,
raised their pitchfork fingers:
in the name of sex, drugs and rock n’ roll. another good stanza though sd&r&r is cliche. oplay around with it a bit

Yet, is YET needed
your heart lingered pounded, rattled or something other than lingered
at the noise: of guitars either lose the : or OF
screeching from the amplifiers, through instead of from maybe?
and cymbals crashing
like shattered bottles
on concrete. this stanza needs a bit of clarity for me

You were barely 16
sipping your can of soda,
exclaiming to me
your view of anarchy.
“Can you see it now?
Amidst the chaos sprouts a rose!” i had to read this stanza twice but it works.

I stood still. is this line needed?
All I saw was you.

---

---

Quite honestly, I'm not sure with this one. Then again, I'm not always sure of my poems

all in all a good effort. all it needs is a small edit to make a big improvement.
some good original lines and one big fat cliche the sex drugs and rock and roll is the one i'm talking about one way to convert the cliche is to openly call it cliched as in:

raised their pitchfork fingers:
in the cliched name of sex,
drugs and rock n’ roll.

the title leaves me a little flat.
the rock show; sounds like a geological convention.
try and lift it by hooking it into the poem or the poem into it.

thanks for the read jd.

if you post any more i'll reply as i get to them

sorry if i'm a bit late though as i'm spending time with my kids in the uk

thanks Bill not only the s,d&rnr's cliche its sort of redundant to the title hahahahaha

[alexjems41]

This poem is so meaningful and from Bottom of my heart I am saying that I liked this Poem so much and really, I appreciate your thought.

[jdelacroix]

This poem is so meaningful and from Bottom of my heart I am saying that I liked this Poem so much and really, I appreciate your thought.

thanks alexjems ^_^