Frankenstein’s Mistress

[ChristopherSea]

edit 6/final?

Frankenstein’s Mistress

I did not fabricate this monster;
it was already inside you, crawling
beneath your skin. I watched you stalk
trust before knifing it on an evening stroll.
I couldn't stem the glut of denial
spilling on the walkway
through my fingers.

My suspicions arose
with each trip into town. Men stared
at you, their eyes incensed,
faces grimacing, as if stricken
by a neural malady. I realize now
they were reliving the scourge
prior to your exile,
before you latched onto me.

From your smirk, I surmised
that others gulped down
your honeydew words
and alluring glazed lines
that you serve again and again. Intoxication
blinded them to your warped nature
behind the body that's all curves.

I imbibed at first,
but have fought off
the addiction; your lips, your hips
no longer have sway. You must leave
my home to find another host,
a new junkie.

Better hurry darling,

angry villagers with torches and pitchforks
are storming the driveway.


--------------------------------------------------------
tectak/crow/Brownlie/bbcd edit 5 Thanks folks!

Frankenstein’s Mistress

I did not fabricate this monster;
it was already inside you, crawling
beneath your skin. I watched you stalk
trust before knifing it on an evening stroll.
I couldn’t stem the glut of denial
spilling on the walkway
through my fingers.

My suspicions about you swelled
with each trip into town. Men stared
at you, their eyes incensed,
faces grimacing, as if stricken
by a neural malady. I realize now
they were reliving the scourge
prior to your exile,
before you latched onto me.

From your smirk, I surmised
these others gulped down
those honeydewed words
and alluring glazed lines
you serve. Intoxication
blinded them to your warped nature
behind the body that's all curves.

I imbibed, but fought
the addiction; your lips, your hips
no longer have sway.You must leave
my home to find a another host,
a new junkie.

Better hurry darling,

angry villagers with torches and pitchforks
are storming the driveway.




----------------------------------------------------------
tectak/crow/Brownlie edit 3&4 Thanks again bl and crow

Frankenstein’s Mistress

I did not fabricate the monster;
it crept into my life
wearing your skin. I witnessed
trust become your victim,
knifed on an evening stroll.
I couldn’t stem the glut
of denial spilling on the walkway
through my fingers.

My suspicions were amassing
with each trip into town.
Men fixated on you,
their eyes incensed,
faces inanimate, as if stricken by
an unnamable malady. I realize now
they were reliving your scourge.

From your smirk, I surmised
that many others gulped down
your honeydewed words,
devoured those alluring glazed lines
that you serve. Intoxication
blinded them to your warped nature
behind a body that's all curves.

I imbibed,
but fought addiction;
obsession failed to root.
I shall continue to endure,
while you must leave my home
to find a another host,
a new junkie.

Better hurry darling,

angry villagers with torches and pitchforks
are storming the driveway.


-------------------------------------------
tectak/crow/Brownlie edit 2 Thanks again

Frankenstein’s Mistress

I did not create the monster,
it crept into my life with you. I watched
trust become your victim,
knifed on an evening stroll.
I couldn’t stem the glut
of self-denial spilling on the walkway
through my fingers.

My suspicions amassed
with each excursion into town.
Men incessantly staring at you,
their eyes incensed,
faces inanimate, as if stricken
by an unnamable malady.

From your smirk, I surmised
that many others gulped down
your addictive cocktails
of honeydew words,
devoured those alluring glazed lines
you serve for desert. Intoxication
blinded them to the warped nature
behind the body that was all curves.

I imbibed,
but fought addiction.
Obsession failed to root.
I shall continue to endure,
while you are the one who must flee
to find a new host,
an alternative junkie. Better pack
your bags quickly darling.

Angry villagers with torches and pitchforks
are coming up the driveway.

-----------------------------------------------
tectak/crow/Brownlie edit 1 Thank you

Frankenstein’s Mistress

I did not create the monster,
it came with you. I watched
trust become your victim,
knifed on an evening stroll.
I couldn’t stem the glut
of self-denial spilling on the walkway
through my fingers.

My suspicions amassed
with each excursion into town.
Men incessantly staring at you,
their eyes incensed,
faces inanimate, as if stricken
by an unnamable malady.

From your smirk, I surmised
that many others gulped down
your addictive cocktails
of honeydew words,
devoured those alluring glazed lines
you serve for desert. Intoxication
blinded them to the warped nature
behind the body that was all curves.

I imbibed,
but fought the addiction.
Obsession failed to root.
I shall continue to endure,
while you are the one who must flee
to find a new host,
an alternative junkie. Better pack
your bags quickly darling;

Angry villagers with torches and pitchforks
are coming up the driveway.

-----------------------------------------------
Frankenstein’s Mistress

Trust was your first victim,
knifed on an evening stroll.
A single thrust to the kidney
induced instant shock
before the fool was lost
to us forever.

My suspicions first arose
when we drove into town.
The men would incessantly stare
at you from beneath
their automaton masks,
through berserker eyes.

From your smirks, I surmised
that they too gulped down
your contagious cocktails
of honeydew words,
your toxic desserts served
in thin glazed lines,
all the while knowing your body
was all curves,
your nature contoured.

I imbibed, but was not infected.
Parasitism failed to find foothold,
my adaptive immunity
victorious. I shall continue
to endure, while you must flee
to find a new host.

Better pack your bags quickly
darling, angry villagers
with torches and pitchforks
are coming up the drive.

[tectak]

Frankenstein’s Mistress

Trust was your first victim,
knifed on an evening stroll.
A single thrust to the kidney
induced instant shock
before the fool was lost
to us forever. Though I like the struggle to prise in a metaphor , I cannot help but feel that though you won the battle, the victory was pyrrhic..."Trust has no kidney" could be a great poem.

My suspicions first arose
when we drove into town.
The men would incessantly stare
at you from beneath
their automaton masks,
through berserker eyes. I have only heard/seen "berserker" used once before when an outraged East Ender described a shoplifter (allegedly) as wearing a "berserker". Apt...but better used here, though I am having trouble visualising how one stares from "beneath" a mask. To be candid, I do not know what an automaton mask is.

From your smirks, I surmised
that they too gulped down Why "too". Why not "...they, too, gulped..." But again, why "too".
your contagious cocktails
of honeydew words,
your toxic desserts served
in thin glazed lines, For breath, if nothing else, a semicolon here
all the while knowing your body
was all curves,
your nature contoured. A grudging yes to this though l am only grasping at thin glazed lines...and if you know what I mean by that, well...you know what I mean

I imbibed, but was not infected. Stranger and stranger. Though infection just works with imbibment they are not easy bedfellows...help. It is obscure.
Parasitism failed to find foothold,
my adaptive immunity
victorious. I shall continue I am now confused. Imbib-think poison. Infection-think contagion. Parasitism-think infestation. Immunity-think virus. Where are we heading?
to endure, while you must flee
to find a new host.

Better pack your bags quickly
darling, angry villagers
with torches and pitchforks
are coming up the drive. This is an irritating piece because it works in spite of me. Others will be more astute. I give in gracefully.

Hi chris,
as you know, obscure doesn't sit well with me...but I do not criticise the piece on my failings. I do suggest, though, that you open this up more. I feel that crucial elements are missing which would, if extrapolated, do more good than harm.
Best,
tectak

[ChristopherSea]

Thank you very much Tom for the in depth. I will try to answer your questions first and then absorb the critique further for my next edit.

-I did win the battle in the opener and I am victorious in the end. Trust was the victim, right?

-Berseker is a crazed viking warrior, some speculate Amanita induced. I wanted their faces with blank expressions, but their eyes as crazy as I could get them. Remember, our mistress is a monster. Eyes peer through the eye-holes in a mask. What we have are petrified men trying to not react, but there eyes give them away.

-The 'too' was to imply that I had no idea that she had dozens of previous victims.

-'thinly glazed lines' implies lies, come on buddy

-The imbibed stanza, may sound like mixed metaphors. However, infection can be fungal, bacterial, viral or animal, if they are detrimental to the host, they are all parasitism. All of them can produce toxins (e.g. fungal/ergotism; bacterial/botulism toxin). The immune system fights all of these. This is just my answers. Nonetheless there are probably too many references as you point out.

So for developing my monster, I needed an opening murder (loss of trust). Then comes the: 'who in the hell did I fall for' revelation and the developing fear that is not just me who fell for this femme fatale. I break the spell/infection etc. She has to leave town.

I will definitely re-examine the mask and eyes in S2 as well as the mixed poison/contagion in S4 in my next edit. I'm glad you see the story in its total. Now, I can tighten it up.

Danke mein Kapitän/Chris

[tectak]

Thank you very much Tom for the in depth. I will try to answer your questions first and then absorb the critique further for my next edit.

-I did win the battle in the opener and I am victorious in the end. Trust was the victim, right? [b] Certainly...but not via a kidney perforation

-Berseker is a crazed viking warrior, some speculate Amanita induced. I wanted their faces with blank expressions, but their eyes as crazy as I could get them. Remember, our mistress is a monster. Eyes peer through the eye-holes in a mask. What we have are petrified men trying to not react, but there eyes give them away. Yes..I know the derivation...but there are many Amanitas. I think you refer to A.muscaria.

-The 'too' was to imply that I had no idea that she had dozens of previous victims. ...but you surmised and so deny the purpose of uncertainty. After all, if you use "too" as inclusive you really must define your groups, otherwise the term is global and all encompassing. So, by saying "they, too.." you are referring to ALL of the group that "they" includes AND some undefined others...er..too.

-l'thinly glazed lines' implies lies, come on buddy Why?

-The imbibed stanza, may sound like mixed metaphors. However, infection can be fungal, bacterial, viral or animal No. Not animal. Animal cross infections are invariably viral. Bacterial infections are rarely host specific but can be carried by various means. Parasitism is given a specific definition relating to the activity of an "organism" which exists specifically in a self preserving role by "robbing" a "host" of nutrients with no return. The immune system has no strategy for dealing with toxins, essentially poisons, and has virtually no defence against parasites which are often inert in the host's body. But enough of this. Poetically, "contagious" does not convey the meaning that you wish. Perhaps "addictive" though containing an infective (implied) agent? if they are detrimental to the host, they are all parasitism. All of them can produce toxins (e.g. fungal/ergotism; bacterial/botulism toxin). The immune system fights all of these. This is just my answers. Nonetheless there are probably too many references as you point out.

So for developing my monster, I needed an opening murder (loss of trust). Then comes the: 'who in the hell did I fall for' revelation and the developing fear that is not just me who fell for this femme fatale. I break the spell/infection etc. She has to leave town.

I will definitely re-examine the mask and eyes in S2 as well as the mixed poison/contagion in S4 in my next edit. I'm glad you see the story in its total. Now, I can tighten it up.

Danke mein Kapitän/Chris
[/b]

[ChristopherSea]

Thank you very much Tom for the in depth. I will try to answer your questions first and then absorb the critique further for my next edit.

-I did win the battle in the opener and I am victorious in the end. Trust was the victim, right? [b] Certainly...but not via a kidney perforation

-Berseker is a crazed viking warrior, some speculate Amanita induced. I wanted their faces with blank expressions, but their eyes as crazy as I could get them. Remember, our mistress is a monster. Eyes peer through the eye-holes in a mask. What we have are petrified men trying to not react, but there eyes give them away. Yes..I know the derivation...but there are many Amanitas. I think you refer to A.muscaria.

-The 'too' was to imply that I had no idea that she had dozens of previous victims. ...but you surmised and so deny the purpose of uncertainty. After all, if you use "too" as inclusive you really must define your groups, otherwise the term is global and all encompassing. So, by saying "they, too.." you are referring to ALL of the group that "they" includes AND some undefined others...er..too.

-l'thinly glazed lines' implies lies, come on buddy Why?

-The imbibed stanza, may sound like mixed metaphors. However, infection can be fungal, bacterial, viral or animal No. Not animal. Animal cross infections are invariably viral. Bacterial infections are rarely host specific but can be carried by various means. Parasitism is given a specific definition relating to the activity of an "organism" which exists specifically in a self preserving role by "robbing" a "host" of nutrients with no return. The immune system has no strategy for dealing with toxins, essentially poisons, and has virtually no defence against parasites which are often inert in the host's body. But enough of this. Poetically, "contagious" does not convey the meaning that you wish. Perhaps "addictive" though containing an infective (implied) agent? if they are detrimental to the host, they are all parasitism. All of them can produce toxins (e.g. fungal/ergotism; bacterial/botulism toxin). The immune system fights all of these. This is just my answers. Nonetheless there are probably too many references as you point out.

So for developing my monster, I needed an opening murder (loss of trust). Then comes the: 'who in the hell did I fall for' revelation and the developing fear that is not just me who fell for this femme fatale. I break the spell/infection etc. She has to leave town.

I will definitely re-examine the mask and eyes in S2 as well as the mixed poison/contagion in S4 in my next edit. I'm glad you see the story in its total. Now, I can tighten it up.

Danke mein Kapitän/Chris
[/b]

Got ya Tom, this discussion will help with my edit. I can definitely dissect out the kidney and add that semicolon that you suggestion. I will be more specific with 'they'. I will tidy up the contamination situation. I believe that toxic/addiction/contamination/detoxification/withdraw and the like would certainly work as well as the infective route. Much obliged.

[crow]

I'm going to do my edit without metabolizing the above, hoping not to be overly redundant


Frankenstein’s Mistress
--the foremost question is: is the mistress the speaker or the subject?


Trust was your first victim,
--who's? I assume F's and am guessing the M is the speaker

knifed on an evening stroll.
--psychopathy. A "ripper." Casual homicide. But also a likely metaphor for the potential for vulnerability

A single thrust to the kidney
--kidneys process urea, primarily. Nephrotic issues? (Btw, in the future, nepherotic is a helluva title )

induced instant shock
--induced is a medical frame
--I don't like "instant shock," as "shock instantly" would be the normal expression, but I'm ok with it

before the fool was lost
--OK, who's the fool? Lost meaning dead or incomprehensible?

to us forever.
--who's us? how long is forever?


My suspicions first arose
--suspicions of what? looking back, perhaps suspicions of . . . nm. No clue

when we drove into town.
--"drove" puts me in a modern setting, in a car not a carriage

The men would incessantly stare
--incessantly is redundant with stare. Why?

at you from beneath
their automaton masks,
--masks=a lie

through berserker eyes.
--berserker means enraged. it's a fighting style or an intention they aren't acting on?


From your smirks, I surmised
--superiority. Whoever "your" is, that person feels superior
--why is the speaker playing the detective with such relish? It's as though a criminal is being found out in the final act of a thriller

that they[,] too[,] gulped down
your contagious cocktails
of honeydew words,
--too much metaphor

your toxic desserts served
in thin glazed lines,
--I'm bored

all the while knowing your body
was all curves,
--so, finally, "mistress" is the subject
--bc "Frankenstein's mistress" is not a person I've met before, I'm looking for you to help me w her identity

your nature contoured.
--this line does the opposite

I imbibed, but was not infected.
--Frankenstein imbibed? Infected by toxins? Toxins poison, they don't infect . . .
Parasitism failed to find foothold,
--a third malady? oy . . .
my adaptive immunity
--adaptive and immunity are largely redundant
victorious. I shall continue
--immunity and victorious are *certainly* redundant
to endure, while you must flee
to find a new host.
--wha???

Better pack your bags quickly[,]
darling, angry villagers
--the comma above is wrong. You want a period or a semi, or possibly a colon
with torches and pitchforks
--cliche? Why? You've spent the poem on radically novel tropes. Why now a cliche?
are coming up the drive.
--what drive? there was a car earlier that was the vehicle of first suspicion. Now the drive represents a return "home"?

--macro: I think this is one person introspecting from a third person position, but I'm so lost, I don't know. That said, I like the short, clean lines. Can you clue me in done without sacrificing the quickness of the verse?

[Brownlie]

Frankenstein’s Mistress
Alright sir, lets see what we've got here.

Trust was your first victim,
knifed on an evening stroll.
A single thrust to the kidney
induced instant shock
before the fool was lost
to us forever.

My suspicions first arose
when we drove into town.
The men would incessantly stare
at you from beneath -- from is redundant

their automaton masks,
through berserker eyes.

From your smirks, I surmised
that they too gulped down
your contagious cocktails
of honeydew words,
your toxic desserts served
in thin glazed lines,
all the while knowing your body
was all curves,
your nature contoured. -- Another redundancy, because of curves and then contoured, because the rhyming is not consistent I would not result to any ornate language and would avoid what they call elegant variation.

I imbibed, but was not infected.
Parasitism failed to find foothold,
my adaptive immunity
victorious. I shall continue
to endure, while you must flee - I'm always a fan of a pun.
to find a new host.

Better pack your bags quickly
darling, angry villagers
with torches and pitchforks
are coming up the drive.

All in all I think you demonstrate some great diction and some real talent here. Hopefully my comments helped out.

[ChristopherSea]

I'm going to do my edit without metabolizing the above, hoping not to be overly redundant


Frankenstein’s Mistress
--the foremost question is: is the mistress the speaker or the subject?


Trust was your first victim,
--who's? I assume F's and am guessing the M is the speaker

knifed on an evening stroll.
--psychopathy. A "ripper." Casual homicide. But also a likely metaphor for the potential for vulnerability

A single thrust to the kidney
--kidneys process urea, primarily. Nephrotic issues? (Btw, in the future, nepherotic is a helluva title )

induced instant shock
--induced is a medical frame
--I don't like "instant shock," as "shock instantly" would be the normal expression, but I'm ok with it

before the fool was lost
--OK, who's the fool? Lost meaning dead or incomprehensible?

to us forever.
--who's us? how long is forever?


My suspicions first arose
--suspicions of what? looking back, perhaps suspicions of . . . nm. No clue

when we drove into town.
--"drove" puts me in a modern setting, in a car not a carriage

The men would incessantly stare
--incessantly is redundant with stare. Why?

at you from beneath
their automaton masks,
--masks=a lie

through berserker eyes.
--berserker means enraged. it's a fighting style or an intention they aren't acting on?


From your smirks, I surmised
--superiority. Whoever "your" is, that person feels superior
--why is the speaker playing the detective with such relish? It's as though a criminal is being found out in the final act of a thriller

that they[,] too[,] gulped down
your contagious cocktails
of honeydew words,
--too much metaphor

your toxic desserts served
in thin glazed lines,
--I'm bored

all the while knowing your body
was all curves,
--so, finally, "mistress" is the subject
--bc "Frankenstein's mistress" is not a person I've met before, I'm looking for you to help me w her identity

your nature contoured.
--this line does the opposite

I imbibed, but was not infected.
--Frankenstein imbibed? Infected by toxins? Toxins poison, they don't infect . . .
Parasitism failed to find foothold,
--a third malady? oy . . .
my adaptive immunity
--adaptive and immunity are largely redundant
victorious. I shall continue
--immunity and victorious are *certainly* redundant
to endure, while you must flee
to find a new host.
--wha???

Better pack your bags quickly[,]
darling, angry villagers
--the comma above is wrong. You want a period or a semi, or possibly a colon
with torches and pitchforks
--cliche? Why? You've spent the poem on radically novel tropes. Why now a cliche?
are coming up the drive.
--what drive? there was a car earlier that was the vehicle of first suspicion. Now the drive represents a return "home"?

--macro: I think this is one person introspecting from a third person position, but I'm so lost, I don't know. That said, I like the short, clean lines. Can you clue me in done without sacrificing the quickness of the verse?

Crow, I really appreciate your read, time and detailed critique. Most of your queries are answered above, but I will still try to address your specifics. The confusion over the characters and narration is surprising as it follows the classic horror genera;

-'Frankenstein' is the narrator and the mistress is the 'monster'.
-The first victim was 'trust' and not a person.
-I'll correct the shock, thanks. Kidney is a quick kill. I can lose the forever.
-'Trust' was the fool for not being 'suspicious' of her evil nature
-Using 'ride' may hide the time (could be a car though, as this is not the classic story)
-I will work on those mixed infectious/toxic metaphors. However, there are infectious organisms that secrete toxins. I am going to go a drug route (toxic and addictive)
-the masks are hiding their horror, but not the crazed stares, I am reconsidering the bersercker
-the narrator does feel victorious, the master detective, even the superior for the first time, etc., He is driving the beast from the town
-Adaptive immunity is real and the same as acquired immunity, but as aforementioned I shall take the 'drug' route. Thanks to you and Tom for pointing out the quagmire.
- Thanks for that comma correction
- I disagree with your characterization of the torches/pitchforks. I have never heard it used in a poem or outside of the horror classic. They are not common place expressions. The are specific to this Gothic horror classic and the Frankenstein genera. These are the critical punchline and monster reveal. You can call it want you want, but they aren't moving.
Additionally, this is an alternative version of the classic story with the same climax and moral. Terrorize an entire village and they are going to come after you. It's not cliche to run someone out of town or lynch someone. Cliche is a tired expression, here it's metaphorical and a perfect close for this.
-Driveway may work, but I will make that distinction.
-Yes, it's first person narration addressing his mistress/monster

Thank you so much for having me review the poem in all aspects. Forcing the author to think through the piece and rationalize the lines helps a lot during the editing process. Cheers Crow/Chris

[crow]

I have never heard it used in a poem or outside of the horror classic.
--that doesn't make it not cliched!

That said, it really isn't material. I think you've got a great poem kicking around here, and now that I've looked at it through the micro, here's how I think you *might* maybe get there:

---

(1) I think the poem should be scary. That means someone dies or is mutilated.
(2) I think the "trust" theme should involve its companions: betrayal and faith.
(3) I absolutely, 100%, and without doubt think you should excise all references to Frankenstein. That reference might've been a good, writerly jumping off point , but it does nothing for you now, except to import a kind of Nickelodeon attitude to what I otherwise read as a sincere piece of writing.
(4) The curve vs. the line is the best image
-so-
(5) Whatever you do with this piece, aim for it to be twice as good. I think it can be

---

Two more things:

--"-'thinly glazed lines' implies lies, come on buddy" doesn't read the way you want because it's in the middle of a gorgeous image of dessert. [also, you wrote "thin," not "thinly," but no matter]
--just making sure . . . "Frankenstein" is the guy, and "Frankenstein's monster" is the monster. I realize I'm running the risk of condescension here, but it's good to be sure . . .

[ChristopherSea]

I have never heard it used in a poem or outside of the horror classic.
--that doesn't make it not cliched!

That said, it really isn't material. I think you've got a great poem kicking around here, and now that I've looked at it through the micro, here's how I think you *might* maybe get there:

---

(1) I think the poem should be scary. That means someone dies or is mutilated.
(2) I think the "trust" theme should involve its companions: betrayal and faith.
(3) I absolutely, 100%, and without doubt think you should excise all references to Frankenstein. That reference might've been a good, writerly jumping off point , but it does nothing for you now, except to import a kind of Nickelodeon attitude to what I otherwise read as a sincere piece of writing.
(4) The curve vs. the line is the best image
-so-
(5) Whatever you do with this piece, aim for it to be twice as good. I think it can be

Well, I'll think about it, but I love the metaphorical theme of that Gothic classic. Moreover, it was the title and punchline that inspired everything in between. I think if I abandoned those, I would just trash the whole poem. The feme fatale is a favorite theme of mine and I can't get the idea of a Frankenstein/Monster flavored one out of my head. I can also do another. Much obliged for your input.

[crow]

Well, I'll think about it, but I love the metaphorical theme of that Gothic classic. Moreover, it was the title and punchline that inspired everything in between. I think if I abandoned those, I would just trash the whole poem. The feme fatale is a favorite theme of mine and I can't get the idea of a Frankenstein/Monster flavored one out of my head. I can also do another. Much obliged for your input.
--then nevermind what I said the author's preference, well-tested, wins every time

[ChristopherSea]

Frankenstein’s Mistress
Alright sir, lets see what we've got here.

Trust was your first victim,
knifed on an evening stroll.
A single thrust to the kidney
induced instant shock
before the fool was lost
to us forever.

My suspicions first arose
when we drove into town.
The men would incessantly stare
at you from beneath -- from is redundant

their automaton masks,
through berserker eyes.

From your smirks, I surmised
that they too gulped down
your contagious cocktails
of honeydew words,
your toxic desserts served
in thin glazed lines,
all the while knowing your body
was all curves,
your nature contoured. -- Another redundancy, because of curves and then contoured, because the rhyming is not consistent I would not result to any ornate language and would avoid what they call elegant variation.

I imbibed, but was not infected.
Parasitism failed to find foothold,
my adaptive immunity
victorious. I shall continue
to endure, while you must flee - I'm always a fan of a pun.
to find a new host.

Better pack your bags quickly
darling, angry villagers
with torches and pitchforks
are coming up the drive.

All in all I think you demonstrate some great diction and some real talent here. Hopefully my comments helped out.

Thanks a lot Brownlee for your time and critique. You are are right about that 'from'. On the curves, the first refers to her body and the second reference is about her nature. Contoured in the sense that he is not being straight/honest. So, there should be double entendre and not redundancy within those variations. Nonetheless the advice is well taken and I shall take another look at the wording. An edit is forth coming, Cheers/Chris

---

Well, I'll think about it, but I love the metaphorical theme of that Gothic classic. Moreover, it was the title and punchline that inspired everything in between. I think if I abandoned those, I would just trash the whole poem. The feme fatale is a favorite theme of mine and I can't get the idea of a Frankenstein/Monster flavored one out of my head. I can also do another. Much obliged for your input.
--then nevermind what I said the author's preference, well-tested, wins every time

You have given me an incentive to do another one with a more murderous and malicious mistress, so I welcome the advice./Chris

[ChristopherSea]

tectak/crow/Brownlie edit 1 is posted, Thank you all./Chris

[Brownlie]

tectak/crow/Brownlie edit 1 Thank you


Frankenstein’s Mistress

I did not create the monster,
it came with you. I watched
trust became your victim, - I think you have a tense problem here
knifed on an evening stroll.
I couldn’t stem the glut
of self-denial spilling on the walkway
through my fingers.

My suspicions amassed
with each excursion into town.
Men incessantly staring at you,
their eyes incensed,
faces inanimate, as if stricken
by an unnamable malady.

From your smirk, I surmised
that many others gulped down
your addictive cocktails
of honeydew words,
devoured those alluring glazed lines
you serve for desert. Intoxication
would have blinded them
to the warped nature -- My favorite line
behind a body of all curves.

I imbibed,
but fought the addiction.
Obsession failed to root.
I shall continue to endure,
while you are the one who must flee
to find a new host,
an alternative junkie. Better pack
your bags quickly darling.

Angry villagers with torches and pitchforks
are coming up the driveway.

-----------------------------------------------
Frankenstein’s Mistress

Trust was your first victim,
knifed on an evening stroll.
A single thrust to the kidney
induced instant shock
before the fool was lost
to us forever.

My suspicions first arose
when we drove into town.
The men would incessantly stare
at you from beneath
their automaton masks,
through berserker eyes.

From your smirks, I surmised
that they too gulped down
your contagious cocktails
of honeydew words,
your toxic desserts served
in thin glazed lines,
all the while knowing your body
was all curves,
your nature contoured.

I imbibed, but was not infected.
Parasitism failed to find foothold,
my adaptive immunity
victorious. I shall continue
to endure, while you must flee
to find a new host.

Better pack your bags quickly
darling, angry villagers
with torches and pitchforks
are coming up the drive.

Just a few comments from a quick read through.

[ChristopherSea]

tectak/crow/Brownlie edit 1 Thank you


Frankenstein’s Mistress

I did not create the monster,
it came with you. I watched
trust became your victim, - I think you have a tense problem here
knifed on an evening stroll.
I couldn’t stem the glut
of self-denial spilling on the walkway
through my fingers.

My suspicions amassed
with each excursion into town.
Men incessantly staring at you,
their eyes incensed,
faces inanimate, as if stricken
by an unnamable malady.

From your smirk, I surmised
that many others gulped down
your addictive cocktails
of honeydew words,
devoured those alluring glazed lines
you serve for desert. Intoxication
would have blinded them
to the warped nature -- My favorite line
behind a body of all curves.

I imbibed,
but fought the addiction.
Obsession failed to root.
I shall continue to endure,
while you are the one who must flee
to find a new host,
an alternative junkie. Better pack
your bags quickly darling.

Angry villagers with torches and pitchforks
are coming up the driveway.

-----------------------------------------------
Frankenstein’s Mistress

Trust was your first victim,
knifed on an evening stroll.
A single thrust to the kidney
induced instant shock
before the fool was lost
to us forever.

My suspicions first arose
when we drove into town.
The men would incessantly stare
at you from beneath
their automaton masks,
through berserker eyes.

From your smirks, I surmised
that they too gulped down
your contagious cocktails
of honeydew words,
your toxic desserts served
in thin glazed lines,
all the while knowing your body
was all curves,
your nature contoured.

I imbibed, but was not infected.
Parasitism failed to find foothold,
my adaptive immunity
victorious. I shall continue
to endure, while you must flee
to find a new host.

Better pack your bags quickly
darling, angry villagers
with torches and pitchforks
are coming up the drive.

Just a few comments from a quick read through.

I will correct it. Thanks so much for taking the second look.

[ChristopherSea]

Thanks again for the message with the typo corrections. I was bit hasty on that 2nd edit. ;^}

[Brownlie]

tectak/crow/Brownlie edit 2 Thanks again

I'm glad you're still editing this piece, I think it is an interesting process to watch. I'll make some more comments, but won't be offended if you choose to follow my suggestions or not.
Frankenstein’s Mistress

I did not create the monster,
it crept into my life with you. I watched
trust become your victim,
knifed on an evening stroll.
I couldn’t stem the glut
of self-denial spilling on the walkway
through my fingers.

My suspicions amassed
with each excursion into town.
Men incessantly staring at you,
their eyes incensed, -- This is an interesting use of vision and smell
faces inanimate, as if stricken
by an unnamable malady.

From your smirk, I surmised
that many others gulped down
your addictive cocktails -- You might want to consider getting rid of "addictive cocktails" if it doesn't befuddle your meaning too much. just maybe "gulped down your honeydew words."
of honeydew words,
devoured those alluring glazed lines
you serve for desert. Intoxication
blinded them to the warped nature -- The word nature packs a lot of meaning, especially in relation to a piece of romantic literature which the title alludes to.
behind the body that was all curves.

I imbibed,
but fought the addiction.
Obsession failed to root.
I shall continue to endure,
while you are the one who must flee
to find a new host,
an alternative junkie. Better pack
your bags quickly darling. -- I'm not sure about "better pack your bags quickly darling." I kind of like the idea of a more abrupt Segway to the angry villagers.

Angry villagers with torches and pitchforks
are coming up the driveway.

-----------------------------------------------
tectak/crow/Brownlie edit 1 Thank you

Frankenstein’s Mistress

I did not create the monster,
it came with you. I watched
trust become your victim,
knifed on an evening stroll.
I couldn’t stem the glut
of self-denial spilling on the walkway
through my fingers.

My suspicions amassed
with each excursion into town.
Men incessantly staring at you,
their eyes incensed,
faces inanimate, as if stricken
by an unnamable malady.

From your smirk, I surmised
that many others gulped down
your addictive cocktails
of honeydew words,
devoured those alluring glazed lines
you serve for desert. Intoxication
blinded them to the warped nature
behind the body that was all curves.

I imbibed,
but fought the addiction.
Obsession failed to root.
I shall continue to endure,
while you are the one who must flee
to find a new host,
an alternative junkie. Better pack
your bags quickly darling.

Angry villagers with torches and pitchforks
are coming up the driveway.

-----------------------------------------------
Frankenstein’s Mistress

Trust was your first victim,
knifed on an evening stroll.
A single thrust to the kidney
induced instant shock
before the fool was lost
to us forever.

My suspicions first arose
when we drove into town.
The men would incessantly stare
at you from beneath
their automaton masks,
through berserker eyes.

From your smirks, I surmised
that they too gulped down
your contagious cocktails
of honeydew words,
your toxic desserts served
in thin glazed lines,
all the while knowing your body
was all curves,
your nature contoured.

I imbibed, but was not infected.
Parasitism failed to find foothold,
my adaptive immunity
victorious. I shall continue
to endure, while you must flee
to find a new host.

Better pack your bags quickly
darling, angry villagers
with torches and pitchforks
are coming up the drive.

Made some brief comments.

[ChristopherSea]

tectak/crow/Brownlie edit 2 Thanks again

I'm glad you're still editing this piece, I think it is an interesting process to watch. I'll make some more comments, but won't be offended if you choose to follow my suggestions or not.
Frankenstein’s Mistress

I did not create the monster,
it crept into my life with you. I watched
trust become your victim,
knifed on an evening stroll.
I couldn’t stem the glut
of self-denial spilling on the walkway
through my fingers.

My suspicions amassed
with each excursion into town.
Men incessantly staring at you,
their eyes incensed, -- This is an interesting use of vision and smell
faces inanimate, as if stricken
by an unnamable malady.

From your smirk, I surmised
that many others gulped down
your addictive cocktails -- You might want to consider getting rid of "addictive cocktails" if it doesn't befuddle your meaning too much. just maybe "gulped down your honeydew words."
of honeydew words,
devoured those alluring glazed lines
you serve for desert. Intoxication
blinded them to the warped nature -- The word nature packs a lot of meaning, especially in relation to a piece of romantic literature which the title alludes to.
behind the body that was all curves.

I imbibed,
but fought the addiction.
Obsession failed to root.
I shall continue to endure,
while you are the one who must flee
to find a new host,
an alternative junkie. Better pack
your bags quickly darling. -- I'm not sure about "better pack your bags quickly darling." I kind of like the idea of a more abrupt Segway to the angry villagers.

Angry villagers with torches and pitchforks
are coming up the driveway.

-----------------------------------------------
tectak/crow/Brownlie edit 1 Thank you

Frankenstein’s Mistress

I did not create the monster,
it came with you. I watched
trust become your victim,
knifed on an evening stroll.
I couldn’t stem the glut
of self-denial spilling on the walkway
through my fingers.

My suspicions amassed
with each excursion into town.
Men incessantly staring at you,
their eyes incensed,
faces inanimate, as if stricken
by an unnamable malady.

From your smirk, I surmised
that many others gulped down
your addictive cocktails
of honeydew words,
devoured those alluring glazed lines
you serve for desert. Intoxication
blinded them to the warped nature
behind the body that was all curves.

I imbibed,
but fought the addiction.
Obsession failed to root.
I shall continue to endure,
while you are the one who must flee
to find a new host,
an alternative junkie. Better pack
your bags quickly darling.

Angry villagers with torches and pitchforks
are coming up the driveway.

-----------------------------------------------
Frankenstein’s Mistress

Trust was your first victim,
knifed on an evening stroll.
A single thrust to the kidney
induced instant shock
before the fool was lost
to us forever.

My suspicions first arose
when we drove into town.
The men would incessantly stare
at you from beneath
their automaton masks,
through berserker eyes.

From your smirks, I surmised
that they too gulped down
your contagious cocktails
of honeydew words,
your toxic desserts served
in thin glazed lines,
all the while knowing your body
was all curves,
your nature contoured.

I imbibed, but was not infected.
Parasitism failed to find foothold,
my adaptive immunity
victorious. I shall continue
to endure, while you must flee
to find a new host.

Better pack your bags quickly
darling, angry villagers
with torches and pitchforks
are coming up the drive.

Made some brief comments.

No offense taken whatsoever and much obliged for the return visit Brownlie. The incensed eyes and inanimate faces seem to solve problems presented in previous versions using berserker and mask, respectively.

I could dispense with that 'addictive' as it is mentioned later.

I too debated the packing of the bags line. I suppose it was one last stab at the monster before the punchline. However, I will give it another look. Cheers/Chris

[ChristopherSea]

Edit 3 is posted. A special thanks to brownlie.

[crow]

MACRO: first of all, I like this draft sooo much more. so I dug in . . .

this poem is dancing between personification and embodiment. I don't want "trust" to be killed, as in the personification, I want some lovely wide-eyed puppy to be killed, as in an embodiment of trust. Ditto self-denial.


Frankenstein’s Mistress

I did not create the monster,
--"create" is weak
--you have two independent clauses joined w a comma
--I like the disclaimer, here

it crept into my life
wearing your skin.
--great allure. really creepy

I watched
--"I watched" is weak, but it also feels like a missed opportunity

trust become your victim,
--"become" is inert, i.e. weak
--I like the mood *a lot*
--the rhythm is nice and sinister

knifed on an evening stroll.

--trust getting knifed on an evening stroll is an image that I can't get

I couldn’t stem the glut
of self-denial spilling on the walkway
through my fingers.
--the image could be saved here, I think
--trust gets cut and "self-denial" pours out. I'm having a fair amount of trouble, here . . .

My suspicions amassed
--"amassing" is more correct
--prolly you want a different verb, but is also prolly gonna be a gerund

with each excursion into town.
----so, this is suuuper picky, but "excursion" means to run out and away (ex + curro, currere). So, imho, you'd have an excursion out of town, not into it . . . yeah. Prolly a waste of time note, there

Men incessantly staring at you,
their eyes incensed,
faces inanimate, as if stricken
by an unnamable malady.
--incomplete sentence, here
--I still think incessant and staring are redundant

From your smirk, I surmised
that many others gulped down
your honeydewed words,
devoured those alluring glazed lines
they were served. Intoxication
blinded them to your warped nature
behind a body that is all curves.
--so right, here
--there are points I could make, but I'll leave it
--except to say, I feel a stress on "is" that I'm not happy about . . .

I imbibed,
but fought addiction;
--nice

obsession failed to root.
I shall continue to endure,
--good use of "shall"

while you are the one who must flee
to find a new host,
--this is clunky, to me

an alternative junkie.
--I really don't like "alternative" here. It seems to pose an equivalency that the narrative doesn't support. That is, she needs to find just *a* junkie. It's been established that the narrator ain't a junkie at all, you know?

Better hurry darling;
--cool line
--needs a comma for direct address

angry villagers with torches and pitchforks
are coming up the driveway.
--"coming" is a big missed opportunity
--why are the villagers angry? I know they fit the trope, but in the story, the monster only ever attempts to injure the speaker