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I Cede You Peace
I cede you peace,
I'll keep my passion.
Let's have a feast,
we'll dress in fashion;
you are peace
(and reason too)
and me, I'm passion
through and through.
I know your heart
a golden gem.
So, surely I will laugh, and
raise up my head
(as you once said)
to make of empty peace
a new facade.
I will;
disturb the peace
in my own fashion.
I cede you peace
in search of passion
This excellent example of workshopping in the Novice thread can be found here. Thank you to Loretta for a terrific attitude towards workshopping, and to all who commented for their supportive and insightful suggestions.
It could be worse
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Great choice, this was good to start with and Loretta worked through the critiques so well it remained the same, just better.
Well done, Loretta. 
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips
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I think this proves that you don't have to "cede" ownership of your poem in the workshopping process There is no doubt that this remained Loretta's poem throughout; she humbly accepted suggestions but ultimately controlled the changes. As a result, this poem ended up being the best version of its original vision.
It could be worse
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This excellent example of workshopping in the Novice thread can be found here. Thank you to Loretta for a terrific attitude towards workshopping, and to all who commented for their supportive and insightful suggestions.
[/quote]
Yes -she has taken what she felt right, and left what felt wrong (even my suggested colon  ). Full marks!
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Nobody wants to touch your colon.
It could be worse
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(05-14-2014, 08:54 AM)Leanne Wrote: Nobody wants to touch your colon.
Ni moi, non plus!
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He just wanted to give her a little "colon pow!"
dale the obtuse
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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05-14-2014, 11:04 AM
(This post was last modified: 05-14-2014, 11:05 AM by billy.)
hi Loretta,
after reading the poem the feedback and the revision i think leanne made a great choice.
you show that a workshop environment can be beneficial to poet, critic and reader alike.
what's extra special is the fact you're a newb, or at least an ex newb. you not only show it can be done,
you show it in the best way possible. nicely done. >  <
also thumbs up the critics colons, one and all 
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I hadn't really followed this one, but I like the workshopping that was done and the poem itself. Its one of the few examples that doesn't bother me with a line break on and. I think it's because the and feels like a pivot point for the content. I also like little things like the parenthetical statement. I think what makes this one work so well for me though is the tempo--great pacing.
Nice spotlight
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
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(05-14-2014, 08:05 PM)Todd Wrote: I hadn't really followed this one, but I like the workshopping that was done and the poem itself. Its one of the few examples that doesn't bother me with a line break on and. I think it's because the and feels like a pivot point for the content. I also like little things like the parenthetical statement. I think what makes this one work so well for me though is the tempo--great pacing.
Nice spotlight
Thanks so much Todd: the help was amazing!
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(05-14-2014, 08:57 AM)abu nuwas Wrote: (05-14-2014, 08:54 AM)Leanne Wrote: Nobody wants to touch your colon.
Ni moi, non plus!
Soddez cela pour un alouette!
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Soddez 
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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(05-14-2014, 08:33 AM)Leanne Wrote: I Cede You Peace
I cede you peace,
I'll keep my passion.
Let's have a feast,
we'll dress in fashion;
you are peace
(and reason too)
and me, I'm passion
through and through.
I know your heart
a golden gem.
So, surely I will laugh, and
raise up my head
(as you once said)
to make of empty peace
a new facade.
I will;
disturb the peace
in my own fashion.
I cede you peace
in search of passion
This excellent example of workshopping in the Novice thread can be found here. Thank you to Loretta for a terrific attitude towards workshopping, and to all who commented for their supportive and insightful suggestions.
Good call and I hope many more to follow. Makes it all worthwhile.
Best,
tectak
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(05-14-2014, 08:33 AM)Leanne Wrote: I Cede You Peace
I cede you peace,
I'll keep my passion.
Let's have a feast,
we'll dress in fashion;
you are peace
(and reason too)
and me, I'm passion
through and through.
I know your heart
a golden gem.
So, surely I will laugh, and
raise up my head
(as you once said)
to make of empty peace
a new facade.
I will;
disturb the peace
in my own fashion.
I cede you peace
in search of passion
This excellent example of workshopping in the Novice thread can be found here. Thank you to Loretta for a terrific attitude towards workshopping, and to all who commented for their supportive and insightful suggestions.
Thank you so much guys; actually I stumbled on this (not good at computer), there is no finite amount of good will and the love of learning, gratitude and helpfulness that is here. You were all so helpful (and right). To me this is a small poem with a big message; which I am happy to share; as in all perspectives. Best, Loretta
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(05-14-2014, 09:46 PM)Erthona Wrote: Soddez
He means, 'sod that for a lark.'
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(05-14-2014, 08:48 AM)ellajam Wrote: Great choice, this was good to start with and Loretta worked through the critiques so well it remained the same, just better.
Well done, Loretta.
(05-15-2014, 07:53 AM)LorettaYoung Wrote: (05-14-2014, 08:48 AM)ellajam Wrote: Great choice, this was good to start with and Loretta worked through the critiques so well it remained the same, just better.
Well done, Loretta.
Wow guys; this was a total surprise and great honor; as much to your dedication as anything I did. Couldn't have made the poem right without you: Leanne, ellajam, abu, dale, billy, todd, tectak who stuck with me all the way; you have made my day. Let me say, personally, I came to this writing with no education in this area,
I experience an ah ha moment with two words "truth bare"; and I combined my fascination with those words with my love of music. Didn't know a thing about meter feet etc., just wanted to write my inspirations as rhythm that flowed. The poems I've written till now have little structure and I hope you will be patient and as understanding with my wilder poems. Love the jokes about the colon? My love and best to you all. Loretta
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