A Storm is COming

[2fargone]

Do you see that?
Off in the distance?
The flash of light
the rolling crash
the dark heavens
the icy wind
the bullets of rain
A storm is coming

You pretend that you are warm
wrapped in my arms
here we enjoy
being alone together

With the lonely light
of the lamp post

We battle the elements

This isn’t how I wanted to spend
the little time we have together

A storm is here
I thought it was bad before
I am clearly wrong
and now your are getting punished for it

I am sorry
for the pain this brings you

I will protect u

The elements will not
take from me

A storm is passing

[billy]

the poem has a lot op cliche, (common phrases.) beside the cliche the poem is very wordy and doesn't really show the reader anything except there's a storm coming and a storm passed.

[Todd]

I like these lines:

With the lonely light
of the lamp post

along with "the bullets of rain"

The figurative language makes these lines more interesting. If you took out the bland adjective, noun combinations and instead did more of what you did on the above lines, it would be much more effective in my opinion.

Just thoughts,

Todd

[StanleyZ]

Do you see that?
Off in the distance?
The flash of light
the rolling crash
the dark heavens
the icy wind
the bullets of rain
A storm is coming

You pretend that you are warm
wrapped in my arms
here we enjoy
being alone together

With the lonely light
of the lamp post

We battle the elements

This isn’t how I wanted to spend
the little time we have together

A storm is here
I thought it was bad before
I am clearly wrong
and now your are getting punished for it

I am sorry
for the pain this brings you

I will protect u

The elements will not
take from me

A storm is passing

I think your first stanza is really strong here. The reason is because it is so bold in structure. Just looking at the block of text makes it seem very unified. That is cool as well given the repetitions within the lines. The first two lines are questions which
puts the reader right in the path of the storm, but the kicker is that repeated THE stress. The flash, the rolling, the dark, oh my
those fast paced descriptions almost bring that mean old storm closer and closer. Now as far as what happens once the storm gets there I don't see many literary devices at work. You said a storm is here, I wish you would have pushed more THE stresses in with such a given opportunity. Also the line separation becomes frantic, but not in a way that accentuates the storm in an amazing way. Some of the lines make me feel like this speaker has almost given up. He/she is attempting to protect a loved one, but all we really get is a cold hug, an apology, a promise to fight, and then the storm is gone. Well that was not fun! Then there is the pitfall of using u instead of you. This is a poem, not a text message giving us a heads up what the weather is going to be like, you silly billy! If you are looking to improve this piece, you have to seriously consider your word choice. Think outside the box and describe things in a way that will reveal more about the speaker, or the storm itself. We want to know what is happening, but not in a bland way that insults our ability to read symbols and metaphors, honestly I didn't analyze the storm as a metaphor in this, because it isn't a metaphor, it is just a storm if you ask me. The real theme is in the emotion connection the speaker has to one he is trying to protect. Use that, but make it your own.

I'm must stop myself here before I get a cramp. I hope you find my view point helpful. I do think the can be a great piece with a few simple edits.

[simmon]

I am quite enjoy reading this, but start from "I thought it was bad before" I feel that it start to getting weak. The emotional link between those two and the storm getting a bit fuzzy from there (maybe just me).

[Starbeam]

This is great - very dark though. I would like to see you balance it and brighten it up at the end with some more inspiring ending. I see that you punched a tag line at the end but it would be better to weave some brightness throughout the poem.

[2fargone]

Thank you guys for the comments. This poem was in fact about a storm and not a metaphor for something, it was written right after a date i had got rained out and i tried to imagine a worst case scenario. I do admit that the imagery is kind of weak after "we battle the elements" , but hey, you have to learn.

[oceanwanderer20]

I really like the first stanza in particular. The use of questions was an interesting element that added a certain level of uniqueness to the poem. My only suggestion would be to add more figurative language towards the end of the poem. It starts to drop off a little, and I think you could add more to it.

[Hermit]

I like it, but I for one think it is somewhat important that you fix up the grammar, spelling, etc. Like "u"-"you", as has been said. Other than minor spelling things, the poem could read better if you added in some good punctuation. For example, the first stanza could have a comma after all those descriptions in lines 3-6, and periods after lines 7 and 8. That could be just me, but really consider going over the poem and having someone proofread for you if possible!

[lateralus]

I actually thought the storm was a metaphor for bad times, emotionally or possibly financially. Got to say I'm a little dissapointed to find out it's just about a storm, but still an interesting topic. "With the lonely light of the lamp post" is a line that really stuck with me. I think it has a great feel to it. Good job!