Cold

[SimikPK]

Edit.2

On castle stone-bricks
stained and old
the bearded shadows have always felt
very cold.

The wind sneaked through the dungeon door.
All the warmth was his prey,
so the shadows
ran away.

Edit.1
On castle stone-bricks dull and old
felt the shadows very cold.

Then they opened nearby door -
it got colder even more.
All the warmness was winds prey,
so the shadows ran away.


Original
In light of torches by the door
at the end of corridor
on castle stone-bricks dull and old
feel the shadows very cold.

And when you open the said door
it is colder even more.
All the warmness wind will flay,
so the shadows run away.

[rowens]

In light of torches by the door
at the end of corridor

That is one of those things that don't work. I don't know why. But I can't accept it here in my gut.


on castle stone-bricks dull and old
feel the shadows very cold.

Who, what, when, where, and sometimes why?


And when you open the said door
it is colder even more.
All the warmness wind will flay,
so the shadows run away.

It just hasn't happened. Make it happen. So far, there's nothing. The said door, and then what?

[SimikPK]

cheers for comments, but I really dont get the second one. And, actually, the first one neither. Could you be clearer?

[BillyO]

I liked the first 2 lines, actually I liked the first 4 lines. Seemed like a really good setup for.......something. Perhaps something 6, 8 or 10 more verses long. Keep that beginning though.

[rowens]

I don't know. It just doesn't seem much about anything.

[SimikPK]

Well the point was that shadows must feel cold in such enviroment - and try to escape it when possible.

[Todd]

Hi, welcome to the site! While I think you can develop some of this for the sake of rhyme you've adopted an odd syntax that feels unnatural.

A couple specific call outs and comments:

L2: felt the shadows instead of the shadows felt

L3: leaving the article out before door feels forced

L4: even more feels like a bit of filler to force the rhyme

L5: wind's prey is actually a cool idea that could be developed

L7: In light of torches feels a bit wordy and in should probably be by or by torchlight...

L8: corridor is the most glaring forced rhyme. It needs an article to come off even remotely natural.

L10: Feel should probably be felt again unless you clean up the syntax.

L11-12: The repetition adds very little

L13: warmness should probably be warmth

You have an idea you could develop. I think it just needs to be adjusted to normal syntax, and have less forced rhyme to be effective.

I hope some of that was helpful.

Best,

Todd

Edit.1
On castle stone-bricks dull and old
felt the shadows very cold.

Then they opened nearby door -
it got colder even more.
All the warmness was winds prey,
so the shadows ran away.


**
In light of torches by the door
at the end of corridor
on castle stone-bricks dull and old
feel the shadows very cold.

And when you open the said door
it is colder even more.
All the warmness wind will flay,
so the shadows run away.

[SimikPK]

OW, I made my original post rather unclear. What you commented on was the original version, not the edited. One. Could you provide feedback on the new one - the one that has only six lines, beginning with On castle..?

[Versify]

Edit.1
On castle stone-bricks dull and old - I like this intro, it brings you to a rather ancient and spooky setting
felt the shadows very cold. - I was thinking of giving the shadows a source... such as Laid _(ancient?)_ shadows, null and cold

Then they opened nearby door - This line could be more descrptive, whom? and why is the action opened?
it got colder even more. - I was thinking of maybe taking more and replacing it with before or possibly war since we are in a medieval setting
All the warmness was winds prey,
so the shadows ran away. maybe make shadows an indirect object of the wind such as "chasing the shadows"

I still like the idea, its short but like a picture could be saying a thousand words... so they say. But those are just some suggestions, keep at it though.

[tigrflye]

Edit.1
On castle stone-bricks dull and old
felt the shadows very cold.

Then they opened nearby door - what does "nearby" add to the poem? I feel it is a wasted word where a much more descriptive word could be. Something like "By opening the wrought iron door" or "dungeon door".. Your poem. I say experiement with this line.
it got colder even more.
All the warmness was winds prey,
so the shadows ran away.


Original
In light of torches by the door
at the end of corridor
on castle stone-bricks dull and old
feel the shadows very cold.

And when you open the said door
it is colder even more.
All the warmness wind will flay,
so the shadows run away.

[SimikPK]

I edited the poem once again, do not want to let it just be. I would appreciate new feedback.

[rowens]

Shadows were cold.
Wind blew out the torches,
so they left.

That's all I know.

[SimikPK]

In a nutshell, yes. The main point.

But you can also figure out that they have been quite a long time in there (bearded, have always felt), that they feel QUITE uncomfortable (dungeon, stained - guess with what), so that implies they were quite happy to escape.

[StevenA]

Edit.2

On castle stone-bricks
stained and old
the bearded shadows have always felt
very cold.

The wind sneaked through the dungeon door.
All the warmth was his prey,
so the shadows
ran away.

The third and fourth lines of the first section don't seem to flow right when I read them. Maybe something like;
On castle stone-bricks
stained and old
Lay bearded shadows
and a chilling cold

As for the second section, I really like the way it sounds, and the images with it. I want to suggest maybe changing sneaked to snaked? I think it fits well with the idea of the warmth being prey too.
But, that's just me!
I do like the poem =)

[billy]

hi simik

the first verse give a feel of a castle clad in ivy/moss the main problem for me is in the 2nd verse. the last two lines feel very forced, have a look here for notes on meter meter
meter could help give it a less forced feel to the read.
[url=http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/thread-12022-post-141279.html#pid141279http://][/url]

Edit.2

On castle stone-bricks
stained and old
the bearded shadows have always felt
very cold.

The wind sneaked through the dungeon door.
All the warmth was his prey, no need for [the]
so the shadows
ran away.

Edit.1
On castle stone-bricks dull and old
felt the shadows very cold.

Then they opened nearby door  -
it got colder even more.
All the warmness was winds prey,
so the shadows ran away.


Original
In light of torches by the door
at the end of corridor
on castle stone-bricks dull and old
feel the shadows very cold.

And when you open the said door
it is colder even more.
All the warmness wind will flay,
so the shadows  run away.

[SimikPK]

Don´t trouble yourselves with this one, it is a year old, when I registrered on the forum I posted this, than had a glimpse what poetry is about and decided this shadows are trash, so I abandoned them. Now I return, but it will take some time for me to post something worth critique. I´d rather first comment on other poems than write my own.
Shalom.

[billy]

i saw some of your feedback and felt you deserved some yourself looking forward to you poetry when it arrives.

[SimikPK]

Glad to hear that, maybe I deserve feedback as a person, but this "poem" probably does not