How do you paint a picture with words? Revision

[Merrikay]

Revision

How do you paint a picture with words?

Syllables sloping groping emotion force
A rhyme
We stipple style, no monochrome message
Dipping and daubing the page our canvas

We rend
Our words to blend
Ego with eloquence

Rinse your brush; there is always a smear


Tried to improve it, might be worse!XD

How do you paint a picture with words?
Syllables sloping, groping emotion, force a rhyme...
I want to know, I want to flow,
Eluding my grasp in glossy dark caverns.
Is poetry a thought, an emotion?
Floating through annals of poets devotion,
If a word is a thought, why can't it be me
Expressing, attesting for you to see.
There's a rhyme does it flow, does it go
In my lyrical garden, plucking the rose?


Any kind of comment welcome...

How do you paint a picture with words?
Syllables sloping, groping emotion, forcing a rhyme...
I want to know, I want to flow
across pages into the deepest chasms of the human condition,
eluding my grasp in the glossy, dark caverns of humanity.
What is poetry? A thought, an emotion? If a word is a thought
why can't it be me, expressing, attesting for you to see.
There's a rhyme, does it flow, does it go, scratching my heart, touching my soul.

moved from Misc to Novice, ella

[Leanne]

This is the kind of thing that tells me you'll get there, because it's clear that you want to. Don't worry about "what it is" -- the best poetry defies labels and doesn't fit neatly into a box, unless the box has to be made specially for just that one poem.

We are always told by teachers who love to speak in cliches that poetry is "painting pictures with words" and I really like the fact that you've thrown that back as your opening line. Cliches should always be examined thoroughly and probably should only show up in poems as a mockery, which is what I feel you've done here.

Good sounds in your second and third line, but you lose your rhythm in the fourth, not to mention the fact that "deepest chasms" is a bit overdone by the emo crowd and "the human condition" is a catchphrase for pop psychologists. This line could actually be cut without any damage to the rest of the poem, with a very small alteration to the next to link it up.

One thing that I will suggest is that instead of dragging out the big abstractions (heart, soul, love, spirit etc), you look for a concrete image instead. Here you get away with it only because it's fairly straightforward musings, but there is more to be done with ideas that are fresh and specific to you. That doesn't mean those words are off limits -- just that they close down the thought processes of the reader because they're undemanding, with an arbitrary meaning that allows no room to explore further.

Every poet has to write a few of these sorts of poems -- ars poetica, I suppose -- and I always enjoy reading them, because the more we explore the art itself the better it becomes.

[Forestdawn]

Greetings Queen:

 You have captured the essence of what a poem should behold. Picturesque is important to the reader when absorbing the words of the writer. It looks like you already know what a poem should feel like. Just let your imagination take you into the visual and the poems will pop out like a painting. I loved the way you created this one. For me, it shows the depth of what's yet to come.

Thank You for sharing.

Forestdawn

[Merrikay]

Leanne
I was trying to add more poetic-ness and depth to it with the "deepest chasms" and "the human condition", didn't work out too well, I suppose.
I'm still trying to figure how to create an image that has depth, without using the abstracts, soul, spirit etc. I think I have a preconceived notion of what is meaningful, that I seriously need to drop. Thanks for your comment, it's really helpful!

Forestdawn
Thank you, that means a lot to me, now it feels like I've accomplished something. Thank you so much for your kind encouragement.

[Forestdawn]

Leanne
I was trying to add more poetic-ness and depth to it with the "deepest chasms" and "the human condition", didn't work out too well, I suppose.
I'm still trying to figure how to create an image that has depth, without using the abstracts, soul, spirit etc. I think I have a preconceived notion of what is meaningful, that I seriously need to drop. Thanks for your comment, it's really helpful!

Forestdawn
Thank you, that means a lot to me, now it feels like I've accomplished something. Thank you so much for your kind encouragement.

You're welcome I'm glad I could help.

[billy]

i think you're well past the emo stage. often poems about poetry fail to work, but this works well enough. a couple of lines could be clipped, or possibly split,  in general it only needs a bit of cosmetic work.

Any kind of comment welcome...

How do you paint a picture with words? i think this is a relevant cliche, and works well enough to keep.
Syllables sloping, groping emotion, forcing a rhyme...  maybe lose the last [ing]
I want to know, I want to flow
across pages into the deepest chasms of the human condition, chasms seems too poetic, be original, i'd have chosen fingerprints, you can use that or choose another word
eluding my grasp in the glossy, dark caverns of humanity. [the] and[of humanity] feels as though they aren't needed isn't needed, nice alliteration
What is poetry? A thought, an emotion? If a word is a thought no need for [what] or the first [?]
why can't it be me, expressing, attesting for you to see.
There's a rhyme, does it flow, does it go, scratching my heart, touching my soul.

[Merrikay]

Thanks for your critique! I was thinking of "channels" instead of chasms, the poems sort of about learning to flow anyway, haha. I think that's more original, maybe. I really like the change of dropping the "the" and "what" and "humanity"! Ill post a revision of this one soon, thanks again.

[billy]

just remember that you have the final say always good to see people taking feedback this way, channels feels better than chasm to me.

[Merrikay]

Tried to improve it, might be worse!XD

How do you paint a picture with words?
Syllables sloping, groping emotion, force a rhyme...
I want to know, I want to flow,
Eluding my grasp in glossy dark caverns.
Is poetry a thought, an emotion?
Floating through annals of poets devotion,
If a word is a thought, why can't it be me
Expressing, attesting for you to see.
There's a rhyme does it flow, does it go
In my lyrical garden, plucking the rose?

[ChristopherSea]

Queen C, We need to see the original to follow your poem's evolution and assess whether or not it is improved. Best practice is to post your edit above the original. Welcome and good luck./Chris

[Merrikay]

Whoops sorry! That makes sense.. Um, should I post it in the original thread? Or just reply to this one?
Oh dear, I made a mess..

[Todd]

Hi QC, 


Here are some comments on the revision:

Tried to improve it, might be worse!XD

How do you paint a picture with words?--If this is your title, it doesn't have to be your first line. Let the title do its work and start with line 2.
Syllables sloping, groping emotion, force a rhyme...--I love syllables sloping and I like the internal rhyme of groping along with the force a rhyme part implying that poems can rhyme and maybe what you just did was forced (it wasn't). Here's an idea your kind of touching on that you may want to consider as you develop this: Sloping and canvas below makes me think of the brushstrokes that your title implies. draw that out more. Keep thinking what is another way I can make the poem a painting. Okay that might be too broad, consider groping emotion (emotion is general and vague...go for a specific emotion) ask yourself how you grope in a painting. Paiting is visual, poetry at the best auditory. How do you show forced rhyme in a painting? This is how you can turn ears into eyes with imagery.
I want to know, I want to flow,--Consider cutting every line that does not show poetry as painting.
Eluding my grasp in glossy dark caverns.--This feels painting like with its glossy dark caverns.
Is poetry a thought, an emotion?--Only ask one question of your poem. Don't weaken the focus. You can restate this in a statement, but I would encourage you to keep only one question.
Floating through annals of poets devotion,
If a word is a thought, why can't it be me --Again how can painting imagery be brought out in this.
Expressing, attesting for you to see.
There's a rhyme does it flow, does it go
In my lyrical garden, plucking the rose?--This is the right direction but tie the imagery into a painted rose in a painted garden. 

I realize this a lot to write in the novice forum, and I truly hope its helpful and not overwhelming. The advice at this point is really this: answer the question your title asks. Focus yourself to draw out that imagery. I read the original and this is an improvement.

Best,

Todd

[ellajam]

Whoops sorry! That makes sense.. Um, should I post it in the original thread? Or just reply to this one?
Oh dear, I made a mess..

I merged the threads and put it into Novice which I believe is your intention. I added the edit to the OP, if you're unhappy with it you can edit it. If anyone ever thinks they'd like a thread moved just pm a mod, best not to start more than one thread per poem. The site's guidelines for posting an edit are in the important threads of each forum. ella/mod

[Merrikay]

Thanks ellejam, sorry bout that!

Oo, not overwhelming! Okay, I did have to read it a few times, but I see how it become more the answer to the question and using imagery of art would be really awesome. "My page is the canvas" well, not that but just saying I think I understand what you mean.., thanks for all the advice, I'll consider and implement in my future revision.

[Merrikay]

Li think I missed the mark a bit...is Van Gogh a huge faux pax?
Syllables sloping, groping emulsions, force a rhyme...
Eluding my grasp in glossy dark caverns
Is poetry artistically captured emotion?
Pigmented language of poets devotion.
My work a literary Van Gogh
My page, a canvas
Portraying the rose.

Tried to improve it, might be worse!XD
How do you paint a picture with words?
Syllables sloping, groping emotion, force a rhyme...
I want to know, I want to flow,
Eluding my grasp in glossy dark caverns.
Is poetry a thought, an emotion?
Floating through annals of poets devotion,
If a word is a thought, why can't it be me
Expressing, attesting for you to see.
There's a rhyme does it flow, does it go
In my lyrical garden, plucking the rose?
Any kind of comment welcome...
How do you paint a picture with words?
Syllables sloping, groping emotion, forcing a rhyme...
I want to know, I want to flow
across pages into the deepest chasms of the human condition,
eluding my grasp in the glossy, dark caverns of humanity.
What is poetry? A thought, an emotion? If a word is a thought
why can't it be me, expressing, attesting for you to see.
There's a rhyme, does it flow, does it go, scratching my heart, touching my soul.
moved from Misc to Novice, ella

[billy]

i think you could give it more depth, even make it more personal.

really screw with the rhymes make them obviously wrong.

how do I paint?
with words
slope syllables, grope emotion,
force rhyme?

the above isn't a re-write, more a suggestion of how you can play around with the piece, how you can show you have some idea of what you're on about by writing like you don't confusing i know but i know what i mean   the edited version is better but still need a fair bit of work..

Tried to improve it, might be worse!XD

How do you paint a picture with words?
Syllables sloping, groping emotion, force a rhyme...
I want to know, I want to flow, try a period here
Eluding my grasp in glossy dark caverns. and a comma here much better line for the edit
Is poetry a thought, an emotion? would it read better if you crop a few small words, [a] and [an]?
Floating through annals of poets devotion, i slipped a little here, would [poetic] be a better choice
If a word is a thought, why can't it be me
Expressing, attesting for you to see.
There's a rhyme does it flow, does it go comma after [rhyme]
In my lyrical garden, plucking the rose? rhymes a bit off on this line


Any kind of comment welcome...

How do you paint a picture with words?
Syllables sloping, groping emotion, forcing a rhyme...
I want to know, I want to flow
across pages into the deepest chasms of the human condition,
eluding my grasp in the glossy, dark caverns of humanity.
What is poetry? A thought, an emotion? If a word is a thought
why can't it be me, expressing, attesting for you to see.
There's a rhyme, does it flow, does it go, scratching my heart, touching my soul.

moved from Misc to Novice, ella

[Merrikay]

Thanks for suggestions! I'll work on it. Also, I thought I'd better mention, that my eager revision is not a delusion of grandeur, but merely excitement to try out the new things I'm learning.

[Merrikay]

This poem is suddenly hilarious, after look at some of the poetic device threadXD

[billy]

it's the excitement of it all, it was for me then sadly it died a little   don't burn yourself out

Thanks for suggestions! I'll work on it. Also, I thought I'd better mention, that my eager revision is not a delusion of grandeur, but merely excitement to try out the new things I'm learning.

[Merrikay]

@billy I'll try not too!

@meganskye1025
I will be changing the end. Welcome to the site!
And thanks for takin the time to read and critique.