Are you ready for a risk
If you dare steak a kiss
Beware of the scorpio
Of mysterious allure
Magnetic in attraction
Confident and secure
Holding her head high
with pride
she draws them in with penetrating eyes
eyes that blaze with intensity
mysterious mind with secrets to unfold
Behind her eyes lay a deep wild sea of emotion
full of passion and desire
someone who is willing
to fight
fire with fire
an enemy to beware
never forgets a sight
can be cruel but we don't care
beware of the scorpio sting
Posts: 133
Threads: 33
Joined: Sep 2015
Um.. I hope this was the autocorrects doing... But *stake
This poem doesnt work for me but
only cuz ima pisces >:] every scorpio I ever met ended sadly for her, unfortunately lol
From a poetic standpoint, I've heard its very hard, if not impossible, to start a poem with a rhetorical question. I personally think L3 would be the strongest beginning line, and I might take the 'of' out of L4 and put an apostrophe 's' on scorpio. I'm also curious as to why you don't use punctuation, but some lines begin with a capital letter while others do not?
I think this could have potential with effort, im compelled now to write a poem about my experiences with scorpio women
Mike
Crit away
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
can you change some of cliche into original phrasing? i've pointed out two stanza but there are more cliches within the poem. try and use simile/metaphor in place of
Magnetic in attraction look at all the lines and see where you can swap an image for phrase that just tell us something.
(01-07-2016, 05:26 PM)emyleerose Wrote: Are you ready for a risk
If you dare steak a kiss stake
Beware of the scorpio Scorpio
Of mysterious allure
Magnetic in attraction
Confident and secure
Holding her head high
with pride the whole stanza is cliche
she draws them in with penetrating eyes
eyes that blaze with intensity
mysterious mind with secrets to unfold
Behind her eyes lay a deep wild sea of emotion
full of passion and desire
someone who is willing
to fight
fire with fire same here
an enemy to beware
never forgets a sight
can be cruel but we don't care
beware of the scorpio sting
Posts: 11
Threads: 4
Joined: Jan 2016
(01-07-2016, 07:05 PM)billy Wrote: can you change some of cliche into original phrasing? i've pointed out two stanza but there are more cliches within the poem. try and use simile/metaphor in place of
Magnetic in attraction look at all the lines and see where you can swap an image for phrase that just tell us something.
(01-07-2016, 05:26 PM)emyleerose Wrote: Are you ready for a risk
If you dare steak a kiss stake
Beware of the scorpio Scorpio
Of mysterious allure
Magnetic in attraction
Confident and secure
Holding her head high
with pride the whole stanza is cliche
she draws them in with penetrating eyes
eyes that blaze with intensity
mysterious mind with secrets to unfold
Behind her eyes lay a deep wild sea of emotion
full of passion and desire
someone who is willing
to fight
fire with fire same here
an enemy to beware
never forgets a sight
can be cruel but we don't care
beware of the scorpio sting
The meaning of the last stanza is not clear to me. When you say 'an enemy to beware' something seems lacking. I think you could re-write it to make it more clear.
In regards to the line 'can be cruel but we don't care' I'm curious, why don't we care that the Scorpio can sting us. I feel the the last line of the last stanza ends on a light note compared to the rest of the poem. Is it a warning to the reader to avoid the Scorpio? If so, why is the cruel Scorpio to be avoided? I like the general message of the poem, but if you were to include some details as well, I think it would appeal to me even more.
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Threads: 3
Joined: Jan 2016
I do love a good zodiac poem and I definitely felt that this signified most Scorpio women I have met.
I think that your overuse of "eyes" takes away from the language and believe the poem would benefit if you found a way to describe her eyes more (example: stare, glare, glance, lids whatever you think sums up her eyes).
I really like "beware of the Scorpio's sting" and think you could take this further. I like that it's placed at the end but think it could somehow draw more of a climax if you added a bit of imagery.
atul.maharao
Unregistered
The poem is written nicely, but i think there would have been better use of words. Steak would probably mean steal, isn't it ?
(01-07-2016, 05:26 PM)emyleerose Wrote: Are you ready for a risk
If you dare steak a kiss
Beware of the scorpio
Of mysterious allure
Magnetic in attraction
Confident and secure
Holding her head high
with pride
she draws them in with penetrating eyes
eyes that blaze with intensity
mysterious mind with secrets to unfold
Behind her eyes lay a deep wild sea of emotion
full of passion and desire
someone who is willing
to fight
fire with fire
an enemy to beware
never forgets a sight
can be cruel but we don't care
beware of the scorpio sting
Posts: 6
Threads: 1
Joined: Jan 2016
Good poem, but very subjective to a certain group. Needs better punctuation and grammar (less capitalization, more commas). The rhyming seems oddly balanced; I find more comfort when the rhyming follows the same lines or stanzas while reading a poem. The end is very abrupt, which doesn't suit the poems style, but I've sat here for about 5 minutes trying to come up with another ending and I'm at a loss, so maybe that is why you ended it the way you did? One last thing is that I really like is using "blaze" followed by "fire with fire". Whether intentional or not, it gives the poem a sinister charm to it!
Posts: 11
Threads: 3
Joined: Jan 2016
Nice description
you got the warrior feel happening, I like it.
is steak right though for a kiss? stake
I'ma novice hey, but I see talent here
Reckon this is a first draft full of promise
(01-07-2016, 05:26 PM)emyleerose Wrote: Are you ready for a risk
If you dare steak a kiss
Beware of the scorpio
Of mysterious allure
Magnetic in attraction
Confident and secure
Holding her head high
with pride
she draws them in with penetrating eyes
eyes that blaze with intensity
mysterious mind with secrets to unfold
Behind her eyes lay a deep wild sea of emotion
full of passion and desire
someone who is willing
to fight
fire with fire
an enemy to beware
never forgets a sight
can be cruel but we don't care
beware of the scorpio sting
Posts: 13
Threads: 2
Joined: Jan 2016
(01-07-2016, 05:26 PM)emyleerose Wrote: Are you ready for a risk
If you dare steak a kiss
Beware of the scorpio
Of mysterious allure
Magnetic in attraction
Confident and secure Confident, secure
Holding her head high Head high with pride
with pride Insert line
she draws them in with penetrating eyes Drawing them in with.. (Keeping everything in same tense)
eyes that blaze with intensity
mysterious mind with secrets to unfold
Behind her eyes lay a deep wild sea of emotion
full of passion and desire
someone who is willing Willing to fight
to fight Fire with fire.
fire with fire
an enemy to beware
never forgets a sight
can be cruel but we don't care
beware of the scorpio sting
Just a few changes I would make. Not an expert by any means, though.
Posts: 12
Threads: 4
Joined: Feb 2016
(01-07-2016, 05:26 PM)emyleerose Wrote: Are you ready for a risk
If you dare steak a kiss stake
Beware of the scorpio
Of mysterious allure
Magnetic in attraction
Confident and secure
Holding her head high
with pride
she draws them in with penetrating eyes
eyes that blaze with intensity - This line isn't necessary
Losing the flow after this point
mysterious mind with secrets to unfold
Behind her eyes lay a deep wild sea of emotion
full of passion and desire
someone who is willing
to fight
fire with fire
an enemy to beware
never forgets a sight
can be cruel but we don't care
beware of the scorpio sting
