-since day one

[litQueen]

First Edit

I added a little more story... Thanks for bearing with my heartbreak - I'm concerned it's a little cliche.

Since Day One

It started with you,
This year...
Guiding me through the crowds of people,
Your hand on my back.

This year,
Won't end with you.

Your hand on my back.
Guiding me,
"I will not give up on you."
As I slowly lit the fuse 
To ignite my heart.

I ended you,
And me, 

Us. 
Like the fireworks,
Just a temporary show.
Red and green and gold...
And then only blackness.

We've been sitting on dynamite. 



Original

Hey everyone,
Be gentle with me; it's my first ever post and poem. 
Looking forward to working with you all! Thanks for reading

It started with you,
This year...
This year,
Won't end with you.

I ended you,
and me. 

Us,
As the fireworks,
Just a show.
Red and green and gold...
And then only blackness.

We've been sitting on dynamite,

-since day one

[Weeded]

Hey lit,

I see you've taken to poetry for whatever reason, that's awesome! Writing a poem is how shall I say... Easy if you write for yourself, difficult if you write for others. There's no problem writing for yourself, you just may not find others very willing to read what you've written 

That said, I definitely recommend heading to the 'Poetry Practice' section, you can learn alot there, heck I still have so much to learn there myself!

I'd also recommend buying an anthology, or start browsing poets online, there's some truly amazing poems out there and reading them can give you inspiration for your own!

Good luck, and welcome to the forum!

mike

[Todd]

Hi litQueen, welcome to the site!

Some general thoughts:

The area you may want to focus on in making this stronger is to add more concrete detail. Because while I like the wordplay between the lines (end/ended and so forth) this is a short poem to be using repetition and wordplay to the degree you do without much content. I'm not saying that you need to overflow with backstory here but a few specific details added in a tight narrative would probably allow this poem to have some tension and some stakes. Nothing right now feels at stake so the poem comes off serviceable but emotionally flat. I do like the idea of the fireworks and the sitting on dynamite conclusion. You could play with the metaphor a bit more and start with anticipation or a fuse of sorts. The since day one can probably be cut from the text and just serve as a title dynamite is a better word to end on.

Not bad at all for a first post and you can develop this. I hope the comments help some.

Best,

Todd

It started with you,
This year...
This year,
Won't end with you.

I ended you,
and me. 

Us,
As the fireworks,
Just a show.
Red and green and gold...
And then only blackness.

We've been sitting on dynamite,

-since day one

[Flos Campi]

I think your unconventional use of punctuation in some parts of this poem are really interesting and contribute to both the sound and the tone of the poem, almost as if the speaker is hesitating occasionally. Perhaps, to earlier incorporate the fireworks motif, you could mention the New Year fireworks toward the beginning (since you mention the start of the year). Also, maybe you could consider adding a few lines to give meaning to the colors red, green and gold. What does each color represent about the characters in the poem and their relationship?

[muteyy]

I really enjoyed this poem. It's short, sweet, and soft (not including the dynamite of course. ) I definitely agree that there should be more of a "leading up to" idea in this. Anticipation is what a lot of people look for in poetry, especially in this case. So if you are trying to keep this as short as you have, I would definitely add a little more punch. If you are not opposed to making it longer, you could definitely add in a couple more stanza's to elaborate the story a bit and make it all tie in together.

[litQueen]

Thanks all for the feedback! I appreciate it a lot!
Currently editing and adding things

[Todd]

Okay some comments on the edit.

First Edit

I added a little more story... Thanks for bearing with my heartbreak - I'm concerned it's a little cliche.

Since Day One

It started with you,
This year...
Guiding me through the crowds of people,
Your hand on my back.--This is starting to get there. Again I can't tell if this is patronizing or helpful on the other person's part. I default to patronizing but its still a bit too vague of a detail. I read another poem once that said I fold your underwear wrong, wrong, wrong...not suggesting it just saying I think you need to commit stronger to raise the stakes.

This year,
Won't end with you.--when you really think about it the earlier this year to set this set of lines up. All of it actually doesn't add a whole lot. We have to read in the tone and it could be very off. It could be snarky or it could be cancer (for instance) no way of knowing. All we're told is that it will end without this person. There is no emotional investment from us to make it carry any weight.

Your hand on my back.
Guiding me,--again the repetition is a repetition of a vague experience. It doesn't have the effect you intend unless we guess right.
"I will not give up on you."--Now the speaker, the I isn't giving up on the other person. Again a bit vague. Dialogue is often a bad tool in poetry. It can work but it can also function as emotional shorthand without earning the moment. I am not suggesting it can never be used.
As I slowly lit the fuse 
To ignite my heart.

I ended you,
And me, --These four lines are better especially since the fuse was lit surprisingly to ignite the speaker's heart and not blow up everything.

Us. 
Like the fireworks,
Just a temporary show.
Red and green and gold...
And then only blackness.

We've been sitting on dynamite. --I hesitate to give line notes as I don't want to warp what your doing. But the ignite my heart bit is the one interesting part you've got going in my opinion. Maybe the speaker didn't understand they were lighting a fuse or maybe they thought they would get fireworks and only realized too late that they got dynamite. If so, knowing that how can you build the poem with the end in mind?

Just some thoughts.

Best,

Todd

[Achebe]

First Edit

I added a little more story... Thanks for bearing with my heartbreak - I'm concerned it's a little cliche.

Since Day One

It started with you,
This year...   ....I'd change it to 'this year started with you' to mirror what comes after
Guiding me through the crowds of people,  .....I'd prefer a word like 'navigating' or 'moving' to 'guiding me'. Did the hand do the guiding or the person? Sounds sloppy
Your hand on my back.

This year, ....comma not needed 
Won't end with you.

Your hand on my back.
Guiding me,      ....get rid of this. It's not particularly catchy.
"I will not give up on you."
As I slowly lit the fuse 
To ignite my heart.  ....you'd do better to carry on with the movement metaphor rather than being a new one in about fireworks

I ended you,
And me, 

Us.          
Like the fireworks,
Just a temporary show.
Red and green and gold...    ...the ending of a romance can't have red green and gold, unless you were beating each other. The romance itself might be symbolised by the fireworks but you choose to use it as a symbol for the ending. Makes no sense.

And then only blackness.

We've been sitting on dynamite. .....dynamite isn't really used for fireworks. A cliche that makes no sense.



Original

Hey everyone,
Be gentle with me; it's my first ever post and poem. 
Looking forward to working with you all! Thanks for reading

It started with you,
This year...
This year,
Won't end with you.

I ended you,
and me. 

Us,
As the fireworks,
Just a show.
Red and green and gold...
And then only blackness.

We've been sitting on dynamite,

-since day one

[Flos Campi]

Hi litQueen! I really like this new edit; it's definitely an improvement over the original version.   Most of my suggestions are about the formatting, not the words themselves, so it might not be the kind of feedback that you're looking for, but I hope it helps nonetheless! 

Since Day One

It started with you,
This year...
Guiding me through the crowds of people,
Your hand on my back. Maybe add another quote after this line (or before L3 if you want to invert everything) to parallel the "I will not give up on you" in L9. 

This year,
Won't end with you.

Your hand on my back. Maybe join this stanza with S2? (Since I think it's supposed to be the response to L3-4 of S1.) 
Guiding me, Another nice inversion! Inversion seems to be a common technique used in this poem. I wonder if it could have thematic meaning... You may want to consider focusing more on this technique!
"I will not give up on you."
As I slowly lit the fuse And then this line is where you might start S3 if you do decide to join the last 3 lines with S2. Also, you might consider changing it to "you slowly lit..." so that the first real action the speaker takes is when she "ended you" in S4. This seems to fit better with the idea of self-liberation (if I am reading the poem correctly that is). 
To ignite my heart.

I ended you,
And me, 

Us. You might want to consider removing this period and moving it to the end of L15 (instead of the comma). For some reason, connecting the word "us" to "fireworks" seems more concrete and impactful than connecting "us" to the entire simile of the next 2 lines. 
Like the fireworks,
Just a temporary show.
Red and green and gold...
And then only blackness.

We've been sitting on dynamite. I really like having this as the last line by itself. It's almost like an abrupt tone shift from the nearly wistful beginning and then suddenly, with this line, it becomes (either truthfully or facetiously) a little sarcastic. Could this be a protective device on the speaker's part to avoid showing emotion/weakness, or is it a sudden epiphany from the reflection in the rest of the poem? Really thought-provoking! 

[benyamind]

Hi there,

"It started with you,
This year..."

The addition 'this year' is in my eyes to 'earthly' or concrete even, but that might be the approach you're going for. I would personally make this sequence a bit more abstract by simply keeping the core essence but switching around the wording.

"Guiding me through the crowds of people,
Your hand on my back."

Maybe skip 'the people', purely on feeling you will already catch the 'of people'. And by not saying it, it gives a different dynamic/tension to 'guiding me through the crowds'.

"Your hand on my back.
Guiding me,"

Maybe without 'on my back' it makes it a bit more epic. By leaving it out people are free to think what the hand is doing. Are they touching you? Are you holding hands? Are they on your back? Either way, you're not taking away the fact that they are guiding you so the imagery stays intact.

"I will not give up on you."
As I slowly lit the fuse 
To ignite my heart.

Something about 'lit the fluse' and 'ignite my heart' is unappealing. For a big part it speaks cliché. So again, you could keep the core essence fully intact but simply mess around with your wording.

"I ended you,
And me,"

Like this. It's short and sweet.

"Us. 
Like the fireworks,
Just a temporary show.
Red and green and gold...
And then only blackness."

This is the right metaphorical approach but the fireworks metaphor doesn't feel nice to me. The opening 'Us.' is powerful. The 'red and green and gold'-sequence - I see what you were trying to portray, give a nice kind of saturation to the metaphor but it doesn't feel interconnected within the scheme. My mind automatically tries to find a meaning as to why those colours, but I can't find it.

"We've been sitting on dynamite."

Don't like the word dynamite, it's kinda played out.

--

Sorry if I'm hard on you, but this is just my analysis in all honesty ;p. I really enjoy the fact that you write out of heart, so keep it up.

Peace