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*I have made edits after receiving some much appreciated advice.
When Walls Fall
brick upon brick
a modest wall
grew inch by inch
just short of tall
storm after storm
did seek to breech
but drop after drop,
inside, never reached
day after day
onslaught persisted
drip, chip, drop, chip
but integrity remained
what remained was polished
crude brick to striking marble
what survived was proud
commonplace to modern marvel
One by one
they came to behold
one by one
they smiled and posed
hand after hand
callous and rough
touch after touch
met a wall too tough
until the unfeeling wall
was met by warm lips,
like the first sip of a hot tea
arousing a foundational shift
kiss after kiss
not harsh as storm
kiss after kiss
nor unwanted grope
kiss after kiss
wore wall to rock
kiss after kiss
wore rock to stone
kiss after kiss
now a grain of sand
no wall to kiss
no wall to stand
___________________________
Original
when walls fall
brick by brick
a modest wall
grew inch by inch
just short of tall
storm after storm
sought to breech
but drop after drop
never could reach
day after day
onslaught persisted
chip, chip, chip
weathered, but not eroded
what remained was polished
what survived was proud
crude brick to delicate marble
drive-by to modern marvel
One by one
they came to witness
one by one
they smiled and posed
hand after hand
callous and rough
touch after touch
but blemishes couldn’t shake
until a warm pair of lips
met the wall like the first sip
of a warm cup of tea
chilling its very foundation
kiss after kiss
not harsh like a storm
kiss after kiss
not an unwanted grope
kiss after kiss
wore the wall down to a rock
kiss after kiss
wore the rock down to a stone
kiss after kiss
left the stone a grain of sand
nothing left to kiss
nothing left to stand
Thank you for your time and energy. If you have any thoughts, please let me know.
Posts: 1,187
Threads: 250
Joined: Nov 2015
(03-10-2017, 04:54 AM)operadiva Wrote: *so I haven't been active for a few months, and I haven't been writing at all. This was my first attempt at getting back in to writing consistently again. I know it needs work, so advice would be great, even if to say it isn't worth editing. Thank you for your feedback!
when walls fall
brick by brick
a modest wall
grew inch by inch
just short of tall
storm after storm
sought to breech
but drop after drop
never could reach need an object for this two-line clause - what could the drops never reach?
day after day
onslaught persisted
chip, chip, chip repetition has value here, but consider variety - "drop, drip, clip, chip" for example
weathered, but not eroded this line might work with "weathered" removed
what remained was polished
what survived was proud nice variation and transition in this stanza
crude brick to delicate marble
drive-by to modern marvel don't understand "drive-by" in this context... "running bond," perhaps, the simplest bricklaying pattern?
One by one
they came to witness
one by one
they smiled and posed a very good stanza. missing beat at the end leads eagerly into the next
hand after hand
callous and rough
touch after touch
but blemishes couldn’t shake this line needs attention, probably including an object... "left wall unshaken?"
until a warm pair of lips
met the wall like the first sip
of a warm cup of tea
chilling its very foundation
kiss after kiss
not harsh like a storm
kiss after kiss
not an unwanted grope
kiss after kiss
wore the wall down to a rock
kiss after kiss
wore the rock down to a stone In this and the preceding stanza, might consider eliminating articles on the second and fourth lines, for example "not harsh as storm... nor lusty grope"
kiss after kiss
left the stone a grain of sand
nothing left to kiss
nothing left to stand
Although this is blank verse (with some end and internal rhymes and near-rhymes) there's the sense of regular meter and rhyme scheme being experimented with. For example, the first verse has a regular meter (except for dropped first foot in line 1, which is fine) and ABCB rhyme. You might consider singing that verse to a simple tune and see how the other verses could be sung to it or, if not, how they could be modified to fit both meter (rhythm of the song) and rhyme scheme.
This could lead to simplifying and perhaps greater impact. For example (and please pardon the rewrite) your final stanza could read,
kiss after kiss
left only sand
no stone to kiss
no wall to stand
This may be easier if you think of it as melody-matching rather than syllable-counting.
Hope this helps! The poem has some good images, and the concept is certainly workable. Thanks for posting!
 Non-practicing atheist
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Threads: 82
Joined: Sep 2013
Hi, OD, there's a lot here that works well, I've put some notes below.
(03-10-2017, 04:54 AM)operadiva Wrote: *so I haven't been active for a few months, and I haven't been writing at all. This was my first attempt at getting back in to writing consistently again. I know it needs work, so advice would be great, even if to say it isn't worth editing. Thank you for your feedback!
when walls fall
brick by brick
a modest wall
grew inch by inch
just short of tall Nice opening.
storm after storm
sought to breech
but drop after drop
never could reach
The rhyme scheme here sets up an expectation that is not met, I would change it.
day after day
onslaught persisted
chip, chip, chip
weathered, but not eroded
I have a hard time reconciling "not eroded" with chip and "what remained".
what remained was polished
what survived was proud
crude brick to delicate marble I think delicate might be the wrong word here.
drive-by to modern marvel nice
One by one
they came to witness
one by one
they smiled and posed good image
hand after hand
callous and rough
touch after touch
but blemishes couldn’t shake I can't quite make sense of this line.
until a warm pair of lips
met the wall like the first sip
of a warm cup of tea
chilling its very foundation While I like this direction, I'm not sure how you get to chilling.
kiss after kiss
not harsh like a storm
kiss after kiss
not an unwanted grope yes this
kiss after kiss
wore the wall down to a rock
kiss after kiss
wore the rock down to a stone You may be able to lose the "down"s here.
kiss after kiss
left the stone a grain of sand
nothing left to kiss
nothing left to stand
My notes may be a bit much for Basic but I hope they help.
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips
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(commenting on edit #1)
Some definite improvements in this edit. Tagging along with @ellajam's comment about creating expectations, another area to explore might be, not giving all your stanzas equally short lines (with the first, for example) but alternating stanzas with long and stanzas with short lines for dramatic effect. That works very well, contrasting Stanza 4 (long lines) with others, and dminishing in length (as the wall diminishes) in the last three stanzas. This would let you use more words for more complex ideas (in Stanza 2, for example, where more words could remove the need for inversions such as "never could reach"). This board tends to frown a bit on inversions, and in my experience pushing on the line a bit - rethinking it - almost always suggests an alternative with natural word order.
Doing well!
Non-practicing atheist
Posts: 952
Threads: 225
Joined: Aug 2016
I like your pattern here,
When Walls Fall
brick upon brick
a modest wall
grew inch by inch
just short of tall
storm after storm
did seek to breech
but drop after drop,
inside, never reached
day after day
onslaught persisted
drip, chip, drop, chip this broke my flow, tongue twister
but integrity remained
what remained was polished
crude brick to striking marble
what survived was proud
commonplace to modern marvel really like this block
One by one
they came to behold
one by one don't like that this block has the same blank by blank thing twice
they smiled and posed
hand after hand
callous and rough
touch after touch
met a wall too tough
until the unfeeling wall
was met by warm lips, warm lips and all the kisses turned this into sappy daydreaming to me and lost interest. Later I pictured the wailing wall and the emotion people get from it, and thought that would be a really nice foundation for this poem to have extra meaning behind it. Just a thought
like the first sip of a hot tea
arousing a foundational shift
kiss after kiss
not harsh as storm
kiss after kiss
nor unwanted grope
kiss after kiss
wore wall to rock
kiss after kiss
wore rock to stone
kiss after kiss
now a grain of sand
no wall to kiss I do like the regression from storm to sand through these last blocks
Peanut butter honey banana sandwiches
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Hey operadiva,
I think the image a wall has a ton of potential to play with, and you do come up with some nice language use throughout the poem. My biggest suggestions would have to do with the rhyming and the repetition, but I'll get more into that below.
(03-10-2017, 04:54 AM)operadiva Wrote: *I have made edits after receiving some much appreciated advice.
When Walls Fall
brick upon brick
a modest wall
grew inch by inch
just short of tall -This first stanza is fine. I think it would be better without the rhyme though.
storm after storm
did seek to breech
but drop after drop,
inside, never reached
day after day
onslaught persisted
drip, chip, drop, chip
but integrity remained -ellajam already commented on this about the broken rhyme scheme here. My question is whether or not you did this intentionally? Is this stanza supposed to stand out for some reason?
what remained was polished
crude brick to striking marble
what survived was proud
commonplace to modern marvel -I actually think this is the strongest stanza in the entire poem because it doesn't rely on repetition. I thoroughly like the last line two lines here.
One by one
they came to behold
one by one
they smiled and posed
hand after hand
callous and rough
touch after touch
met a wall too tough
until the unfeeling wall
was met by warm lips,
like the first sip of a hot tea
arousing a foundational shift -May be it's just me, but I don't get this image. How does hot tea cause a foundation to shift?
kiss after kiss
not harsh as storm
kiss after kiss
nor unwanted grope
kiss after kiss
wore wall to rock
kiss after kiss
wore rock to stone
kiss after kiss
now a grain of sand
no wall to kiss
no wall to stand -In the last three stanzas the wall represents something more than a wall. However, based on its description, the wall seems that it was just a wall at the beginning of the poem. I think this idea of a relationship finally breaking down the wall needs to be set up sooner in the poem to make it more effective.
___________________________
Original
when walls fall
brick by brick
a modest wall
grew inch by inch
just short of tall
storm after storm
sought to breech
but drop after drop
never could reach
day after day
onslaught persisted
chip, chip, chip
weathered, but not eroded
what remained was polished
what survived was proud
crude brick to delicate marble
drive-by to modern marvel
One by one
they came to witness
one by one
they smiled and posed
hand after hand
callous and rough
touch after touch
but blemishes couldn’t shake
until a warm pair of lips
met the wall like the first sip
of a warm cup of tea
chilling its very foundation
kiss after kiss
not harsh like a storm
kiss after kiss
not an unwanted grope
kiss after kiss
wore the wall down to a rock
kiss after kiss
wore the rock down to a stone
kiss after kiss
left the stone a grain of sand
nothing left to kiss
nothing left to stand
I think you are definitely onto something with this poem. I would be curious to see it redone with no rhyming though. If you did this, then you wouldn't have to worry about the rhyme scheme. I would also suggest toning down the repetition. You should keep some of it, but I find there's so much repetition in this poem that it is distracting. I look forward to seeing where you take this poem from here.
Keep writing,
Richard
Posts: 345
Threads: 34
Joined: Feb 2017
Hi. Okay, I like this poem. Honestly I don't like a lot of poetry.
This is kinda like the mushy stuff that girls like.
It's fresh, too...not fresh like a guy making a pass fresh,
but fresh, okay...refreshing!
I also like the rhyme, it has some bounce. Let me see here:
When Walls Fall Okay the title drew me in. I thought of political stuff, but also things to do with healing.
brick upon brick
a modest wall
grew inch by inch
just short of tall It's a wall that doesn't measure up.
storm after storm
did seek to breech
but drop after drop,
inside, never reached Impenetrable?
day after day
onslaught persisted
drip, chip, drop, chip Interesting play on words, actually
but integrity remained expresses an attempt
what remained was polished refinement
crude brick to striking marble
what survived was proud
commonplace to modern marvel this has me wondering
One by one
they came to behold
one by one
they smiled and posed this had me thinking several things, perhaps final resting or someone being photographed
hand after hand
callous and rough
touch after touch
met a wall too tough meanness or roughness does little good
until the unfeeling wall
was met by warm lips,
like the first sip of a hot tea
arousing a foundational shift a clue of instruction, perhaps...mystery
kiss after kiss some would laugh and say uh-oh mono, but these kissing lines are very poetic
not harsh as storm
kiss after kiss
nor unwanted grope good point
kiss after kiss I see a melting of sorts,
wore wall to rock
kiss after kiss
wore rock to stone love wins
kiss after kiss
now a grain of sand
no wall to kiss
no wall to stand dissolved and surrendered
I am sorry I can't be more helpful.
I'm a bit dinged out...maybe I need some tea!
Seems the poem is plenty good already to me.
Thanks so much for the read!
there's always a better reason to love
Posts: 54
Threads: 16
Joined: Mar 2017
Hi-- first off, I like it. I'll just throw a few suggestions and thoughts.
(03-10-2017, 04:54 AM)operadiva Wrote: *I have made edits after receiving some much appreciated advice.
When Walls Fall
brick upon brick
a modest wall
grew inch by inch
just short of tall I think anything growing can be considered tall. So, at what point is tall really tall, or short?
storm after storm
did seek to breech
but drop after drop,
inside, never reached
day after day
onslaught persisted
drip, chip, drop, chip This break is cool. The words take longer to read. I've always liked breaking form here and there.
but integrity remained So you follow up breaking the rhyme, too. I guess at this point, that's okay.
what remained was polished
crude brick to striking marble
what survived was proud
commonplace to modern marvel
One by one
they came to behold
one by one
they smiled and posed
hand after hand
callous and rough
touch after touch
met a wall too tough
until the unfeeling wall
was met by warm lips, Awww
like the first sip of a hot tea
arousing a foundational shift
kiss after kiss
not harsh as storm
kiss after kiss
nor unwanted grope
kiss after kiss
wore wall to rock
kiss after kiss
wore rock to stone I like that a gentle kiss is powerful enough to break marble.
kiss after kiss
now a grain of sand
no wall to kiss
no wall to stand
The only thing I didn't like was that the wall completely disappeared. I understand letting your guard down, and the importance vulnerability plays in a true relationship. I think the kisses could have chiseled you into the Statue of David or something. The wall offered you protection, and it's a thought that maybe you'll want to keep a memorial of it somehow.
This was great!
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Joined: Mar 2017
I've had other thoughts while out and about. To follow up on the final comment I made, I think this person's kisses can chisel the wall down into an emblem of the relationship. I was thinking symbolism plays a center role here. Whatever symbolizes the relationship appropriately, do you think the marble or stone can be restructured into something you'll always carry?
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Aw, this left me feeling really happy and charmed :  I like the way it develops and changes throughout, with the wall being first built, then admired and handled roughly, and then finally kissed away. I feel that the poem in general got stronger as it went on. The "inside, never reached" rhyme felt a tad forced to me even though the imagery was good. I loved the last 3 stanzas. I also loved "hand after hand/callous and rough /touch after touch/met a wall too tough." I think that is a spot where your rhymes worked perfectly.
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