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[Achebe]

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There you are wearing 
a hat, and in raiment
blue as the hills
of Tuscany,
smiling
like you would melt into summer,
where all the bells 
ring in harmony.





Original

There you are standing
in a hat and raiment
blue as the hills
of Tuscany,
smiling
like you would melt into summer
as all the bells
ring in harmony.

[Leanne]

There you are standing -- I have a problem with the grammar -- "standing in a hat" doesn't conjure up quite the image for me that I think you're intending
in a hat and raiment
blue as the hills
of Tuscany, -- is she in Tuscany? If so, this should be clearer -- if not, why Tuscan hills at all?
smiling
like you would melt into summer -- love these last lines, they're vibrant and the visual and sonic images all match the blue
as all the bells
ring in harmony.

[Todd]

Little picky, but I would consider cutting the last two lines and end on that fabulous Summer line.

[ellajam]

Almost perfect.

Something about the "as" breaks it for me. Maybe "hearing" instead. or
...summer.
The bells ring in harmony.

But beautiful.

edit after reading Todd:That was my first thought too, but it may be just the as, not the bells.

[Wjames]

There you are standing
in a hat and raiment I've never heard the word "raiment" before, but a quick dictionary search says "clothing, apparel, attire". You might want a more specific word, although raiment does sound very nice, and for some reason fits with the colour blue.
blue as the hills
of Tuscany,
smiling
like you would melt into summer
as all the bells
ring in harmony.

I like the touch of the blue text.

I like the title, it sort of makes it seem as though this is the one picture that sums up the person.

[Lizzie]

There you are standing
in a hat and raiment
blue as the hills
of Tuscany,
smiling
like you would melt into summer
as all the bells
ring in harmony.

Well, it's official: I'm not a romantic.

Standing. in. a. hat: it makes me smile for all the wrong reasons.

In other news, I don't know if I'd ever want to be described as "blue as the hills." Being called blue is like being called depressed, cold, on death's door..... And then there's "old as the hills."

A melting smile is kind of surrealist/horror movie esque. Makes me think of the guy at the end of Indiana Jones: The Last Crusade whose skin melts off before his skeleton explodes because he didn't choose wisely. Again, I'm not sure that I would consider it romantic to be described as melting in the sun. I'm melting, I'm melting....

What are these bells? Are these church bells? Bells toll for all sorts of reasons. Are they funeral bells? That would change the plot of the poem for sure. I find the ambiguity distracting.

If this is a dark humor piece about love and death, then I adore it.

[ellajam]

Lizzie's funeral bells are okay with me, the poem's got a melancholy to it just in looking at a picture instead of the person, still a poem about someone who is loved.

And I'm a fan of raiment, the blue of royalty.

[Achebe]

Thanks, all.
@Leanne - now that you've put that picture in my head, I can only think of a cat in a hat. As for Tuscan hills....what can I say, I'm going there on holiday in two weeks :-) But I get your point about how it may sound a bit just thrown in there.
@Todd - I did get a nagging feeling that rhyming 'hills' with 'bells' is a cliche. Also, like ella, I don't like the 'as'. Instead, 'and' is better sonically, but is a bit predictable (so is 'as', though...).
@ ella - agreed. I'll think about it for a bit and probably change it to 'and'.
@WJames - read Shakespeare!! I do use a lot of archaic crap, though...
@Lizzie - interesting! Blue in the poem it refers to the raiment in the next line, not the person in the first, perhaps that clarifies? but thanks for reading. Also...

you're a morbid mommy...

[nibbed]

I like the poem just the way it is.
Some Tuscan hills really are blue.
I can see someone standing there
in a hat smiling, on maybe a Sunday,
and tower bells, every so lightly,
in the distance.

nice poem
janine

[Lizzie]

There you are standing
in a hat and raiment
blue as the hills
of Tuscany,
smiling
like you would melt into summer
as all the bells
ring in harmony.

No, it doesn't make a difference for me that the color is royal blue instead of just blue. So the lifeless/corpse-like person looks a little more regal than a homeless person being choked??? Sorry, the wording and the image is just too weird the way it is now.

Look, I get that you're trying to say (I think), "you look regal and lovely and your smile makes me happy and wistful like when I hear church bells" or something along these lines. I just think you need to work on the clarity of the grammar and the images. Is the person or the hat blue? Is completely ambiguous.

I'm ok with the golden/summer/Tuscany thing going on, I never associated Tuscany with blue (my fault perhaps), but the royalty image would work with Tuscany.

I think you're trying to convey a mood but requiring the reader to overlook a lot to get there. Some readers will go with you if your aesthetic is close to theirs. I usually do, but not today.

But, enough flogging.

Hey, you're the one who went and got spotlit and raised the bar for yourself.

And, no, it also doesn't matter to me that ellajam gets it perfectly.

And, yes, there's no cure for my twisted mind. To quote Rodger Rabbit, I'm not bad, I was born this way.

[Achebe]

Small edit to correct the grammar. 
There / wearing doesn't sound great, but makes more sense 
Thanks, all.

Nibbed, thanks for reading and commenting.
Lizzie, I'll send you a stinkbomb postcard from Montepulciano
But honestly, thanks for your POV. Always helps to know what might not work for some readers

[ellajam]

"where" does it for me.

[Leanne]

Is the hat blue too, or just the outfit? Because "wearing" sounds really clunky now, and if they're both blue, you could have just reversed the order and "standing in raiment" would have worked fine.

[Leanne]

I quite like the "where" for the bells, as it implies summer is a place. The bells for me are a joyous sound.

[ellajam]

I can hear the bells, I have to stretch them into harmony because usually they seem at odds with eachother but they don't care a bit, they just go. And for me too they are joyous in their signaling, even at a funeral.