"1996-2007, 42-1"

[Solstice]

V.2


The drawbridge, her bikini,
Half pulled-down round, no tan lines,
Cheek-to-cheek,
Tush, but now I must ask

Where did you go, caterpillar? 
Of her and my 16th years,
When you went on the long distance walk,
Along my beer bottle's rim, in the park,
Across my hand when I lifted you,
To that connector road of nylon and polyester

I knew joy, as we stripped
And ran to the water's edge

A graininess to sand,
Stuck in an hourglass
Timeless Lake Tahoe,

To be cherished in dividends
As we returned each summer,

It reminded me of 13, 
When we decided to jump, 
Clothed, into the Pacific
Continuing tradition for ending cross country season;
We had dated three times
During middle school

Now, I remember you when
Day-tripping to the lake's ski resorts,
Accidentally running into you,
While you visit your father on the South
Shore would be at the least awkward


Butterflies are free and you,
Married, living in someplace where we
Never went, and the chaos of having known you
is less like the Pacific, and more like

The aquarium, famed where you are,
Down in Monterey, where I dare not venture.
The cost of admission is not worth it.


Considering the ending in the original as a later revision addition or rearrangement.



V.1

The drawbridge, her bikini
Half pulled-down, round, no
Her tush where I put you, but now I must ask

Where did you go, caterpillar? of her and my 16
When you went on the long distance walk,
Along my beer bottle's rim, in the park,
Across my hand when I lifted you,
To that connector road of nylon and polyester

I knew joy, as we stripped,
And ran, to the water's edge

There was a graininess to the sand,
Like it would take a long time to go
Through an hour-glass, perhaps get stuck
Making Lake Tahoe timeless,

To be cherished in dividends
As we returned each summer and winter

It reminded me of when we were 13, 
When we decided to jump, clothed, into the Pacific
For continuing traditional last cross country practices;
We had dated three times, during the duration 
Of middle school

Now, I remember you by going to the negative
Space of where we were, because I still do hold
Those places holy, and I do need reason, 
When looking back on our departures

Butterflies are free, they say, and you are
Married and living in someplace where we
Never went, and the chaos of having known you
is less like the Pacific, and more like

The aquarium, famed where you are,
Down in Monterey, where I dare not venture.
The cost of admission is not worth it.

I do still call, maybe once every six months,
And you answer about half those times
It's apparent that we've learned to stick
To watching the waves, instead of trying

To measure our weight against the water.

[The Four-Eyed Cat]

Let me start off by saying my personal take on it; the poem perfectly captivates one of the final stages of mourning; the pain and sorrow isn't as daunting as it initially was, as grief is replaced by remeniscing past memories of a person with a bittersweet taste to it. Your vocabulary and imagery does exactly that.

Down below are a couple comments

The drawbridge, of her bikini                                                                 
Half pulled-down, to that round fully tanned cheek                                  Junxtapositioning, while tan-lines and tanned might pass, cheek sounds repetitive.
To cheek, no tan lines on her tush                                                        
Where I put you, but now I must ask

Where did you go, caterpillar? of her and my 16                                   Im not sure what you try to imply with 'of her and my 16'
When you went on the long distance walk,                                           
Along my beer bottle's rim, in the park,
Across my hand when I lifted you,
To that connector road of nylon and polyester                                    Solid and vivid imagery

I knew joy, as we stripped,
And ran, to the water's edge

There was a graininess to the sand,                                                 This stanza in particular doesn't flow that well. Try omitting some words                                          
Like it would take a long time to go                                                 "Like', for instance, is completely unecessary.  
Through an hour-glass, perhaps get stuck                                          
Making Lake Tahoe timeless,

To be cherished in dividends
As we returned each summer and winter

It reminded me of when we were 13, 
When we decided to jump, clothed, into the Pacific
For continuing traditional last cross country practices;
We had dated three times, during the duration 
Of middle school

Now, I remember you by going to the negative                                       
Space of where we were, because I still do hold
Those places holy, and I do need reason, 
When looking back on our departures

Butterflies are free, they say, and you are
Married and living in someplace where we
Never went, and the chaos of having known you
is less like the Pacific, and more like

The aquarium, famed where you are,
Down in Monterey, where I dare not venture.
The cost of admission is not worth it.

Pay some attention to the flow of your poem and i'm sure you'll be able to procure a gem! As people taught me here; read your poem out loud - if the rhythm or flow feels rather unnatural, then you know you'll have to change it. 

Also keep an eye out for your use of grammar. I'm quite guilty of it myself - but keep an eye out for unecessary capitalization of letters at the beginning of each sentence (I know, damn Microsoft Word, right?) and punctuation. Every now and then I sawa comma that didn't really belong there.

Thanks for the read!

[Wjames]

The drawbridge, of her bikini I would remove the "of" here. Turn the bikini itself into a drawbridge.
Half pulled-down, to that round fully tanned cheek  I don't naturally pause after "pulled-down" - you might want to lose the comma.
To cheek, no tan lines on her tush
Where I put you, but now I must ask "where I put you" seems out of place to me.

Where did you go, caterpillar? of her and my 16
When you went on the long distance walk,
Along my beer bottle's rim, in the park,
Across my hand when I lifted you,
To that connector road of nylon and polyester Very nice stanza.

I knew joy, as we stripped,
And ran, to the water's edge I think the comma's after "stripped" and "ran" are also unnecessary.

There was a graininess to the sand,
Like it would take a long time to go
Through an hour-glass, perhaps get stuck
Making Lake Tahoe timeless, nice.

To be cherished in dividends
As we returned each summer and winter winter is added abruptly here after all the summer images.

It reminded me of when we were 13, 
When we decided to jump, clothed, into the Pacific I don't like the back-to-back "when we's" - you could easily change one of them and lose nothing.
For continuing traditional last cross country practices;
We had dated three times, during the duration 
Of middle school Does "the duration of" add anything? Why not just "during middle school"?

Now, I remember you by going to the negative
Space of where we were, because I still do hold
Those places holy, and I do need reason, 
When looking back on our departures

Butterflies are free, they say, and you are You could lose "they say" - the narrator is saying this, especially because it ties nicely back to the caterpillar thing.
Married and living in someplace where we Very good - the title implies a death, and this little reveal of a break-up makes one reconsider all that went before.
Never went, and the chaos of having known you
is less like the Pacific, and more like really nice line break

The aquarium, famed where you are, the aquarium is great, a little cage metaphor. 
Down in Monterey, where I dare not venture.
The cost of admission is not worth it. I would end the poem here.

I do still call, maybe once every six months,
And you answer about half those times
It's apparent that we've learned to stick
To watching the waves, instead of trying 

To measure our weight against the water. These last five lines do not fit with the rest of the poem to me. Everything before this is all dream-like, while this is just a flat out statement. 

I really liked reading this, thanks for sharing.

[CRNDLSM]

The punctuation bothers me, you've capitalized the first word of every line but not the one word that actually follows a sentences ending (question mark).  I think it gives me too much freedom to misinterpret pauses. The story I think is too good to deserve this treatment.

The drawbridge, of her bikini
Half pulled-down, to that round fully tanned cheek I like the line breaks
To cheek, no tan lines on her tush cheek-to-cheek as a noun very nice
Where I put you, but now I must ask where I put you on the tush?

Where did you go, caterpillar? of her and my 16 I like caterpillar as a pet name (Alice in wonderland) 16 as a noun makes me think age.
When you went on the long distance walk,
Along my beer bottle's rim, in the park,
Across my hand when I lifted you,
To that connector road of nylon and polyester connector road of clothing material?

I knew joy, as we stripped,
And ran, to the water's edge walking along a beer bottles rim to running naked to the edge of water.

There was a graininess to the sand,
Like it would take a long time to go
Through an hour-glass, perhaps get stuck
Making Lake Tahoe timeless, lake Tahoe must be the setting because sand is the smallest thing I remember about those beaches

To be cherished in dividends Why dividends? 
As we returned each summer and winter

It reminded me of when we were 13, flashback in the middle of a flashback? My 16 
When we decided to jump, clothed, into the Pacific
For continuing traditional last cross country practices;my favorite line I don't know why
We had dated three times, during the duration 
Of middle school Do people date in middle school?

Now, I remember you by going to the negative
Space of where we were, because I still do hold
Those places holy, and I do need reason, 
When looking back on our departuresI don't think this strophe adds anything, makes things more confusing

Butterflies are free, they say, and you are
Married and living in someplace where we
Never went, and the chaos of having known you
is less like the Pacific, and more like Tahoe to the Pacific, is this where she moved to

The aquarium, famed where you are,interesting, an aquarium can still be chaotic
Down in Monterey, where I dare not venture.love it
The cost of admission is not worth it.back to dividends, I think the cost has less to do with it than the negative space of memory

I do still call, maybe once every six months,
And you answer about half those times once a year? I like how you put this
It's apparent that we've learned to stick starting with it's rarely a good move, how about 'apparently, we've '
To watching the waves, instead of trying

To measure our weight against the water.good line breaks, and the last line has a lot of feeling to it, you can only watch in an aquarium, but you wouldn't go anyways,  because of the cost.

11 years,  42-1, I don't get the title but I don't have to, the story is very good with lots of (what's an inside joke thats not a joke) and 42 is the answer so, don't know what else to say, I hope I helped

[Solstice]

Let me start off by saying my personal take on it; the poem perfectly captivates one of the final stages of mourning; the pain and sorrow isn't as daunting as it initially was, as grief is replaced by remeniscing past memories of a person with a bittersweet taste to it. Your vocabulary and imagery does exactly that.

Down below are a couple comments

The drawbridge, of her bikini                                                                 
Half pulled-down, to that round fully tanned cheek                                  Junxtapositioning, while tan-lines and tanned might pass, cheek sounds repetitive.
To cheek, no tan lines on her tush                                                        
Where I put you, but now I must ask

Where did you go, caterpillar? of her and my 16                                   Im not sure what you try to imply with 'of her and my 16'
When you went on the long distance walk,                                           
Along my beer bottle's rim, in the park,
Across my hand when I lifted you,
To that connector road of nylon and polyester                                    Solid and vivid imagery

I knew joy, as we stripped,
And ran, to the water's edge

There was a graininess to the sand,                                                 This stanza in particular doesn't flow that well. Try omitting some words                                          
Like it would take a long time to go                                                 "Like', for instance, is completely unecessary.  
Through an hour-glass, perhaps get stuck                                          
Making Lake Tahoe timeless,

To be cherished in dividends
As we returned each summer and winter

It reminded me of when we were 13, 
When we decided to jump, clothed, into the Pacific
For continuing traditional last cross country practices;
We had dated three times, during the duration 
Of middle school

Now, I remember you by going to the negative                                       
Space of where we were, because I still do hold
Those places holy, and I do need reason, 
When looking back on our departures

Butterflies are free, they say, and you are
Married and living in someplace where we
Never went, and the chaos of having known you
is less like the Pacific, and more like

The aquarium, famed where you are,
Down in Monterey, where I dare not venture.
The cost of admission is not worth it.

Pay some attention to the flow of your poem and i'm sure you'll be able to procure a gem! As people taught me here; read your poem out loud - if the rhythm or flow feels rather unnatural, then you know you'll have to change it. 

Also keep an eye out for your use of grammar. I'm quite guilty of it myself - but keep an eye out for unecessary capitalization of letters at the beginning of each sentence (I know, damn Microsoft Word, right?) and punctuation. Every now and then I sawa comma that didn't really belong there.

Thanks for the read!

Thanks, Four-Eyes! it was a first draft, so thanks for tearing it apart. The capitalization of each new line is something that I made a choice on for all my poems, as it's an older rule in poetry, which is not unanimously decided upon, especially for free verse. I like it, because I enjoy reading old Romantic poetry. Same goes for the lowercase first word after a "?" or "!" as they aren't necessarily sentence enders. Like stronger italics, in my eyes.

I did take the rest of your critique as a welcome fresh look.

Solstice

The drawbridge, of her bikini 
Half pulled-down, to that round fully tanned cheek  
To cheek, no tan lines on her tush
Where I put you, but now I must ask 

Where did you go, caterpillar? of her and my 16
When you went on the long distance walk,
Along my beer bottle's rim, in the park,
Across my hand when I lifted you,
To that connector road of nylon and polyester Very nice stanza.

I knew joy, as we stripped,
And ran, to the water's edge I think the comma's after "stripped" and "ran" are also unnecessary.

There was a graininess to the sand,
Like it would take a long time to go
Through an hour-glass, perhaps get stuck
Making Lake Tahoe timeless, nice.

To be cherished in dividends
As we returned each summer and winter winter is added abruptly here after all the summer images.

It reminded me of when we were 13, 
When we decided to jump, clothed, into the Pacific I don't like the back-to-back "when we's" - you could easily change one of them and lose nothing.
For continuing traditional last cross country practices;
We had dated three times, during the duration 
Of middle school Does "the duration of" add anything? Why not just "during middle school"?

Now, I remember you by going to the negative
Space of where we were, because I still do hold
Those places holy, and I do need reason, 
When looking back on our departures

Butterflies are free, they say, and you are You could lose "they say" - the narrator is saying this, especially because it ties nicely back to the caterpillar thing.
Married and living in someplace where we Very good - the title implies a death, and this little reveal of a break-up makes one reconsider all that went before.
Never went, and the chaos of having known you
is less like the Pacific, and more like really nice line break

The aquarium, famed where you are, the aquarium is great, a little cage metaphor. 
Down in Monterey, where I dare not venture.
The cost of admission is not worth it. I would end the poem here.

I do still call, maybe once every six months,
And you answer about half those times
It's apparent that we've learned to stick
To watching the waves, instead of trying 

To measure our weight against the water. These last five lines do not fit with the rest of the poem to me. Everything before this is all dream-like, while this is just a flat out statement. 

I really liked reading this, thanks for sharing.

Thanks! I liked your critique, honest and thorough. Removed the last part, and I agree with the reasoning.

Tahoe is a summer and winter vacation destination in CA, about 4 hours from the SF Bay. I changed the strophe that CRNDLSM mentioned to mean the winter allusion. 

Solstice

The punctuation bothers me, you've capitalized the first word of every line but not the one word that actually follows a sentences ending (question mark).  I think it gives me too much freedom to misinterpret pauses. The story I think is too good to deserve this treatment.

The drawbridge, of her bikini
Half pulled-down, to that round fully tanned cheek I like the line breaks
To cheek, no tan lines on her tush cheek-to-cheek as a noun very nice
Where I put you, but now I must ask where I put you on the tush?

Where did you go, caterpillar? of her and my 16 I like caterpillar as a pet name (Alice in wonderland) 16 as a noun makes me think age.
When you went on the long distance walk,
Along my beer bottle's rim, in the park,
Across my hand when I lifted you,
To that connector road of nylon and polyester connector road of clothing material?

I knew joy, as we stripped,
And ran, to the water's edge walking along a beer bottles rim to running naked to the edge of water.

There was a graininess to the sand,
Like it would take a long time to go
Through an hour-glass, perhaps get stuck
Making Lake Tahoe timeless, lake Tahoe must be the setting because sand is the smallest thing I remember about those beaches

To be cherished in dividends Why dividends? 
As we returned each summer and winter

It reminded me of when we were 13, flashback in the middle of a flashback? My 16 
When we decided to jump, clothed, into the Pacific
For continuing traditional last cross country practices;my favorite line I don't know why
We had dated three times, during the duration 
Of middle school Do people date in middle school?

Now, I remember you by going to the negative
Space of where we were, because I still do hold
Those places holy, and I do need reason, 
When looking back on our departuresI don't think this strophe adds anything, makes things more confusing

Butterflies are free, they say, and you are
Married and living in someplace where we
Never went, and the chaos of having known you
is less like the Pacific, and more like Tahoe to the Pacific, is this where she moved to

The aquarium, famed where you are,interesting, an aquarium can still be chaotic
Down in Monterey, where I dare not venture.love it
The cost of admission is not worth it.back to dividends, I think the cost has less to do with it than the negative space of memory

I do still call, maybe once every six months,
And you answer about half those times once a year? I like how you put this
It's apparent that we've learned to stick starting with it's rarely a good move, how about 'apparently, we've '
To watching the waves, instead of trying

To measure our weight against the water.good line breaks, and the last line has a lot of feeling to it, you can only watch in an aquarium, but you wouldn't go anyways,  because of the cost.

11 years,  42-1, I don't get the title but I don't have to, the story is very good with lots of (what's an inside joke thats not a joke) and 42 is the answer so, don't know what else to say, I hope I helped

Thanks, CRNDLSM! it was nice to see a mixture of response. Yes, she moved to a place south of here, still on the Pacific. Once a year or less.

I messed with the chronology of the story with 16 and 13. Not sure if I'll keep it the way that it is.

Solstice