The Lonely Among Us

[homer1950]

The lonely heart is unseen,
a dancer alone-
spinning on an empty floor

no partner to tango 
with anymore

Feelings hiding in shadows
while faked smiles wrinkle 
mournful cheeks

empty wine bottles
strewn on a cold floor
aside bare feet

Melancholy poetry read
by a dim light-
tears dripping on somber lines

the note to end it all
thought of -
a thousand times...

[Richard]

Hey homer1950,
I like your sentiment here. I just think you need to play around with the wording in spots. I'll go into more detail below:

The lonely heart is unseen, -Although I'm not 100% sure if it's a cliche, I feel like the phrase "lonely heart" is a bit unoriginal. Plus, you use the words "alone" and empty" in the same stanza, which seems to me a bit redundant.
a dancer alone-
spinning on an empty floor -I would suggest rewording this stanza to read something like:
They are unseen,
dancers who spin
on empty floors.

no partner to tango 
with anymore -I don't mind this line for its content. However, the rhyme with "floor" bothers me. I just find that short lines that rhyme make me think of lighthearted poetry, whereas this is a serious poem.

Feelings hiding in shadows -The idea of "feelings" is a bit vague. Why not be more specific? Sadness? Depression?
while faked smiles wrinkle 
mournful cheeks -I would suggest trimming this stanza to something like:
Faked smiles hide in shadows,
mournful cheeks

empty wine bottles
strewn on a cold floor -Is the repetition of "floor" intentional?
aside bare feet -I like the imagery here. It supports the idea of loneliness well.

Melancholy poetry read
by a dim light-
tears dripping on somber lines -Personally, I don't feel like this stanza adds much. Not every lonely person reads poetry, but they have probably felt like they were dancing alone at one point in their lives. I hope that comment makes sense. I feel like if you want to keep this stanza, you should reconsider focusing on melancholy music instead of poetry, so to have wider appeal. Maybe even reference a specific sad song.

the note to end it all
thought of -
a thousand times... -I quite like this ending. My only suggestion would be to make it its own sentence.

I hope I wasn't overly negative here, but I feel like you have a good start.

Thanks for the read,
Richard

[homer1950]

Thank you Richard very kind and insightful

[allisonkreid]

The lonely heart is unseen,
a dancer alone-
spinning on an empty floor

I agree with the previous poster that the piece about the heart is a bit cliche. Maybe try wordsmithing a bit to keep the same sentiment... Thinking a la Carson's ''The Heart is a Lonely Hunter" 

no partner to tango 
with anymore

Is the rhyme with floor and anymore intentional?

Feelings hiding in shadows
while faked smiles wrinkle 
mournful cheeks

Describe the cheeks to paint a picture of why they appear mournful.

empty wine bottles
strewn on a cold floor
aside bare feet

Melancholy poetry read
by a dim light-
tears dripping on somber lines

We shifted hear from the dancefloor. I need to understand the why of this transition.

the note to end it all
thought of -
a thousand times...

Assuming the last bit is referring to suicide. I think I need more detail around why the speaker feels driven to this so that I can come along with the story and generate a greater sense of empathy.

Hope the feedback is helpful. Thanks for sharing!

[nozaki]

The lonely heart is unseen,--cliche sounding to me
a dancer alone-
spinning on an empty floor--and so too is this image. Hyphen on the line above does nothing for me. 

no partner to tango 
with anymore--not strong enough to warrant its own line. 

Feelings hiding in shadows
while faked smiles wrinkle 
mournful cheeks--too many adjectives, not enough depth, whose smiles and cheeks? whose feelings? where are these shadows? what feelings? 

empty wine bottles
strewn on a cold floor
aside bare feet--could expand on this image, but for now its a generic polaroid... label it

Melancholy poetry read
by a dim light-
tears dripping on somber lines

the note to end it all
thought of -
a thousand times...--well done allusion to death. I think thousand times is cliche and could be replaced with a line with a more fitting oomph. 

i know the crit is harsh, but take what you will. i think you could narrow the theme of this poem much more or at least focus in; loneliness is an old topic. look forward to seeing what you do with it.

[homer1950]

Oi know the crit is harsh, but take what you will. i think you could narrow the theme of this poem much more or at least focus in; loneliness is an old topic. look forward to seeing what you do with

Lol  stick around you will see much harsher. My Question to you is? You say loneliness is an old topic what does that mean? Every topic is old and I’m old and loneliness is making a big comeback.
I do appreciate your feed back thank you

https://mobile.nytimes.com/2018/02/09/op...ealth.html

[nozaki]

Oi know the crit is harsh, but take what you will. i think you could narrow the theme of this poem much more or at least focus in; loneliness is an old topic. look forward to seeing what you do with

Lol  stick around you will see much harsher. My Question to you is? You say loneliness is an old topic what does that mean? Every topic is old and I’m old and loneliness is making a big comeback.
I do appreciate your feed back thank you

https://mobile.nytimes.com/2018/02/09/op...ealth.html

when i said old i meant that i thought that its a subject that poetry has been written about for centuries. therefore it's harder to attempt to say something new that hasn't already been expressed. it is however always in vogue.

[bogpan]

The lonely heart is unseen - cliche or not? everything depends on the use and protection of this line. in this case there is no surprise in this line. see an interesting decision that speaks of a "lonely heart," but without explicitly saying "The Heart Is a Lonely Hunter". ><

[rowens]

A heart is unseen,
the dancer alone -
spinning 

no partner to tango with
anymore


But that's me. Anyway, you can always fiddle around with things.




Feelings hiding in shadows
while faked smiles wrinkle 
mournful cheeks


You might want to stick to the more concrete throughout this. The heart being the thing unseen or in shadow. 




empty wine bottles
strewn on a cold floor
aside bare feet


Some of the adjectives could be deleted or switched around; don't have to be, but it's a critique. 






Melancholy poetry read
by a dim light-
tears dripping on somber lines


Maybe, just maybe, switch something like 'Melancholia' for "Melancholy poetry". Again, you could switch some of these words around. Through dim tears, dripping light. Poetry is about a transcending consciousness. 


the note to end it all
thought of -
a thousand times...

[homer1950]

All very good and thoughtful critiques, thank you all for your time and considertion of my work.

As an aside I did want to ask this; Do we (poetry writers ) over think the cliche critique?
That is to say, we read and write poetry all the time and to us everything is just about cliche.

Now I ran my poem through a bussines network I am part of (13,000 + followers)
and most of the feedback I received was not only positive but embracing of the work.
Some did say "this is not a social network" or "that kind of stuff does not belong here"  
but i'm not counting those barbarians (LOL)

Examples of the feedback:
1. The line "faked smiles wrinkle mournful cheeks" is a very powerful one.
2. Poignant and beautiful.
3. An adorable poem. love line 10
4. No way !!! You know the truth!


Again these are not poets and writers they are mostly in Banking, Finance and Insurance.
Without being laborius about it, my point of all this is- 
Who are we writting for?

Poets and writers or are we writing for (for a lack of a better term) poetic plebeians? 
who want and like sap and syrup such as provided by the likes of:

Cockney School of poets
A dismissive name for London-based Romantic poets such as John Keats, Leigh Hunt, and Percy Bysshe Shelley.
The term was first used in a scathing review in Blackwood’s Magazine in October 1817, in which the anonymous
reviewer mocked the poets’ lack of pedigree and sophistication.


Maybe this poetic philosophic thought should be posted on another thread just throwing it out there

[rowens]

A poem can be beautiful and emotional without being memorable, that's the problem. Your emotions are beautiful as they are. Most people are able to settle for that. When you create art you're usually searching for something more. It seems to me there was more to Shelley than sap and syrup. There's nothing wrong with syrup, but it's sometimes not enough. You look for something exceptional in others or in yourself so when you find yourself looking at life and asking Is this it? you'll have somewhere to turn.

[homer1950]

A poem can be beautiful and emotional without being memorable, that's the problem. Your emotions are beautiful as they are. Most people are able to settle for that. When you create art you're usually searching for something more. It seems to me there was more to Shelley than sap and syrup. There's nothing wrong with syrup, but it's sometimes not enough. You look for something exceptional in others or in yourself so when you find yourself looking at life and asking Is this it? you'll have somewhere to turn.

I believe there where more to Keats and Shelly I
 am just saying critics thought they where not sophisticated. 
So when modern critics call certain poetry cliche or redundant
what does it truly matter. A cross hanging upside down in urine 
is considered a great work of art. As the saying goes beauty is
In the eye of the beholder

[rowens]

It seems a critic should have a sophisticated scope of popular and so-called highbrow standards, and then the criticism should be just as much an aesthetic risk and intellectual speculation or expression as the art it's evaluating. Artists, philosophers and critics have been clashing forever, it's part of the experience, the drive. Each operating within his own standards and personal and social mythology. Piss-Christ, what's so impressive about that? Urine is relatively harmless. If he had made a whole Nativity scene out of fecal matter, that might have been more tasteful and appropriate to that particular art scene.

[homer1950]

Yes I agree I guess the larger point is the so called critics get it wrong quite often. Not only with Keats and Shelly but the beat poets suffered great scrutiny and ridicule only to later be hailed as geniuses lol. 
Thanks for your thoughts much appreciated. I have to now crawl back into my societal hole of Banking and Finance.

[allisonkreid]

Ha, I suspect there is a large contingent of us out there. The INTJs, the alter egos, living as analysts and VPs and driving board room decks by day... and this as the outlet and way of working through the pressure cooker via psedenemys, etc.

[homer1950]

I know the crit is harsh, but take what you will. i think you could narrow the theme of this poem much more or at least focus in; loneliness is an old topic. look forward to seeing what you do with it.

One quick thing nozaki, I am older and have thick skin so harsh criticism is no biggie for me. However seeing you are fairly new here please be careful not to use harsh criticism in a forum geared for moderate critiques. Each forum has different guidelines. Again while it bothers me not, some newer writers are looking for basic feedback to get their feet wet as it where. 
Thanks, Homer