First Edit: Sailing

[alonso ramoran]

Off into the summer day,
where the breeze will blow
our pallet ship, a blanket
knotted on its upright stick,
across the stream of time.

Off into the summer day
where the breeze will carry
our ship of a pallet with a
blanket tied around an upright stick,
across the stream of time.

This is one of my older poems when I first started writing. Not my best work but it caught my eye. Feel free to comment.

[billy]

feels a bit cheesy but it affects me in a memory sort of way. we floated ours on a mucky brown canal .

[alonso ramoran]

Hi billy,

It is a bit cheesy/generic, I’m glad you could get something out of it though. When I read it for the first time in a while I was somewhat affected by it to say the most haha

Cheers,
Alex

[just mercedes]

I like the nostalgia of it. Maybe cut out filler words, rearrange a bit, something like this:



Some summer days
breezes blow
our pallet ship,
its stick mast and blanket sail,
across the stream of time.

[alonso ramoran]

Thank you just mercedes, made some light adjustments. I think this one will roll off the tongue a little better.