Please, stay away.

[MelaniaStarHans]

My mind

is

a drawbridge.

I

can lure people

in

and give

them

the promise

to pass,

but I

always put up

a wall

when

they get

too close.

[busker]

I like the development towards a payoff in the final two lines. It works.
Could do with fewer line breaks perhaps

[Kingsausage1778]

I like the line breaks, gives it a mechanical romance.

[Magpie]

My mind

Is

A drawbridge.  --- Good opening, I like the metaphor

I

Can draw people  --- use a different word to 'draw' to avoid the repetition

In,   --- don't need comma here

And give

Them

The promise

To pass

By, --- don't need 'by' 

But I

Always put up

A wall

When

They get

Too close.  --- I like the ending, but if you were to continue the drawbridge castle analogy then perhaps you would shut the gate or portcullis

Hi M, neat little poem here, I'm unsure about the line breaks but I see how they can give a juddering effect like a drawbridge going up and down. Also don't need to capitalise every line, just the beginning of sentences.

Cheers for the read,

Mark

[MelaniaStarHans]

My mind

Is

A drawbridge.  --- Good opening, I like the metaphor

I

Can draw people  --- use a different word to 'draw' to avoid the repetition

In,   --- don't need comma here

And give

Them

The promise

To pass

By, --- don't need 'by' 

But I

Always put up

A wall

When

They get

Too close.  --- I like the ending, but if you were to continue the drawbridge castle analogy then perhaps you would shut the gate or portcullis

Hi M, neat little poem here, I'm unsure about the line breaks but I see how they can give a juddering effect like a drawbridge going up and down. Also don't need to capitalise every line, just the beginning of sentences.

Cheers for the read,

Mark

Thank you for the feedback! I edited my poem and used your suggestions. The drawbridge in this poem, though, I'm picturing a bridge less like a medieval drawbridge and more like the Tower Bridge in London.

---

I like the development towards a payoff in the final two lines. It works.
Could do with fewer line breaks perhaps

Thank you for the feedback!

---

I like the line breaks, gives it a mechanical romance.

Thank you for the feedback!

[Todd]

Hi Melania,

Posssibly have your title do more work for you:

Drawbridge as a title would allow you to start with "I can lure..."

My mind

is

a drawbridge.

I--Not a personal fan of these extremely short one word lines. It's a subjective choice. I think the lines work better with at least a subject and verb "I lure" would be better for me than "I"

can lure people--Don't know if you need the "can"

in--Prepositions are almost always incapable of holding down a line. You could do some rearrangement "in people"

and give

them

the promise

to pass,

but I

always put up

a wall

when

they get

too close.

It's a nice conceit. I think it would be stronger if you tightened it up and chopped unneeded words.

Just thoughts.

Best,

Todd

[MelaniaStarHans]

Hi Melania,

Posssibly have your title do more work for you:

Drawbridge as a title would allow you to start with "I can lure..."

My mind

is

a drawbridge.

I--Not a personal fan of these extremely short one word lines. It's a subjective choice. I think the lines work better with at least a subject and verb "I lure" would be better for me than "I"

can lure people--Don't know if you need the "can"

in--Prepositions are almost always incapable of holding down a line. You could do some rearrangement "in people"

and give

them

the promise

to pass,

but I

always put up

a wall

when

they get

too close.

It's a nice conceit. I think it would be stronger if you tightened it up and chopped unneeded words.

Just thoughts.

Best,

Todd

Thank you for your feedback!

[Erthona]

MelaniaStarHans,

This poem is cute. Cute is not necessary good. It is however a clean poem, just rudimentary.


There seems to be a disconnect around the idea of 'letting people into your mind' and if "they get
too close." Getting to close generally connotes an emotion, not a thought.

best,

dale