Nothing that I say

[Mark A Becker]

Nothing that I say today

will mean as much

as the murmuring you make,

stirring in our bed, dawn

softly illuminating our room,

the fan gently whirring

overhead, and your arm

curled across my heart.

[Knot]

.
Hi Mark,
just a couple or three points.
'curled' - anything better,
'softly' then 'gently' is a bit much (similarly three -ings?  One too many I think),
and maybe move the opening to the beginning? As in

That murmuring you make,
stirring in our bed, dawn
softly illuminating our room [with/in ... ?],
the fan gently whirring
overhead, and your arm
curled across my heart.
Nothing that I say today
will mean as much


Best, Knot

.


.

[Mark A Becker]

Thanks, Knot,
I really do appreciate your suggestions, but I already gave this one to my wife.
I was originally going to go with the ending you suggest, but brought those lines up to the top, mainly because I wanted the title to be the first line.
Honestly, I wrote the first draft in a few minutes, and had it fully formed in under an hour.
If I give my wife a re-write it won’t have the same effect: I loved hearing her read it back to me.

That said, I love your version.

[busker]

Nothing that I say today

will mean as much

as the murmuring you make,

stirring in our bed, dawn

softly illuminating our room,

the fan gently whirring

overhead, and your arm

curled across my heart.

I couldn’t quite warm up to “murmuring you make”
“Murmuring” is too much like bees.

“Gently whirring” is a cliche
The final “heart” feels out of place. The rest of the poem is all solid images, but now comes a metaphor.
Maybe “chest”?

I like the general idea of the poem, but it comes across as a bit flat for now