Life in the Soft Lane - edit

[dukealien]

Life in the Soft Lane


Anyone can see from my soft hands
how parasitic I’ve become of late:
palms without callouses, nails pink and clean;
loose knuckles never barked in shop or fight.
I’ve even lost my writer’s thickening
along those fingers pencils used to rub;
this week I took a chunk out gardening–
it bled like fun:  a farmer would have laughed.
But then, a farmer wouldn’t understand
how merely getting old could bring in cash
or typing, dreaming, all but mind at rest.
My idle life extends, I own enough
to buy my needs from men with hands still rough.

original version;

Anyone can see from my soft hands
how rich and useless I’ve become of late:
palms without callouses, nails pink and smooth;
loose knuckles never barked in shop or fight.
I’ve even lost my writer’s thickening
along those fingers pencils used to press;
this week I took a chunk out gardening–
it bled like fun:  a farmer would have laughed.
But then a farmer wouldn’t understand
(at least, no farmer only decades past)
how merely getting old could bring in cash
or typing, dreaming, all but mind at rest.
My useless life extends, I own enough
to buy my needs from men with hands still rough.

I owe someone a critique, but can't seem to find a submission to pay it on!

[busker]

Life in the Soft Lane


Anyone can see from my soft hands
how rich and useless I’ve become of late:  ….pink and useless? “Rich” is flat 
palms without callouses, nails pink and smooth;
loose knuckles never barked in shop or fight. …. I like “loose knuckles”
I’ve even lost my writer’s thickening
along those fingers pencils used to press; … a nice little detail 
this week I took a chunk out gardening–
it bled like fun:  a farmer would have laughed.
But then a farmer wouldn’t understand
(at least, no farmer only decades past) ….. when farming was less mechanised, but it sounds like a rant 
how merely getting old could bring in cash …. Beautiful 
or typing, dreaming, all but mind at rest.
My useless life extends, I own enough
to buy my needs from men with hands still rough. ….. nice ending 

I owe someone a critique, but can't seem to find a submission to pay it on!

A great one

---

Though the reality is that men with rough hands don’t make much anymore.
It’s the age of AI and automation
The mining industry already has automated trucks, and longwalls have long ago been remotely operated (in underground coal mining)

[brynmawr1]

Life in the Soft Lane                                   like the title


Anyone can see from my soft hands
how rich and useless I’ve become of late:                 I think this is implied and see below
palms without callouses, nails pink and smooth;
loose knuckles never barked in shop or fight.
I’ve even lost my writer’s thickening
along those fingers pencils used to press;
this week I took a chunk out gardening–
it bled like fun:  a farmer would have laughed.
But then a farmer wouldn’t understand
(at least, no farmer only decades past)                 I would recommend cutting this line. doesn't add and a little confusing to me.
how merely getting old could bring in cash
or typing, dreaming, all but mind at rest.
My useless life extends, I own enough        I don't buy your life is useless.  Idle, maybe, or something with genteel connotation. 
to buy my needs from men with hands still rough.     nice ending.

I owe someone a critique, but can't seem to find a submission to pay it on!

HI Duke,
Well done.  some humble suggestions above.
Take care,
bryn

[Mark A Becker]

Hey Duke- Good one. Some in-line comments below:

Life in the Soft Lane

Anyone can see from my soft hands
how rich and useless I’ve become of late: don't think you need "rich and"
palms without callouses, nails pink and smooth;
loose knuckles never barked in shop or fight. cool image - "knuckles never barked"
I’ve even lost my writer’s thickening
along those fingers pencils used to press; A bit confused by this line, the way it's written.
this week I took a chunk out gardening–
it bled like fun:  a farmer would have laughed.  HA! I love this phrase.
But then a farmer wouldn’t understand
(at least, no farmer only decades past)
how merely getting old could bring in cash interesting view point
or typing, dreaming, all but mind at rest.
My useless life extends, I own enough  not sure "useless" is the right word
to buy my needs from men with hands still rough. 

Not a lot of tweeking needed on this one.  It's rather straight-foward, and could use more of some of the parts that I bolded.

[dukealien]

edit1;


Anyone can see from my soft hands
how parasitic I’ve become of late:
palms without callouses, nails pink and clean;
loose knuckles never barked in shop or fight.
I’ve even lost my writer’s thickening
along those fingers pencils used to rub;
this week I took a chunk out gardening–
it bled like fun:  a farmer would have laughed.
But then, a farmer wouldn’t understand
how merely getting old could bring in cash
or typing, dreaming, all but mind at rest.
My idle life extends, I own enough
to buy my needs from men with hands still rough.

---

Thanks to all the critics!  Despite filling out the sonnet-like 14 lines, the parenthetic had to go, for all the reasons noted; filler is filler and lecturing is lecturing.  "Useless" was also determined to be useless   .

The inspiration, if anyone's interested, was

hacking a finger with a garden trowel and thinking about the supposed way 19th-century New York immigration authorities would determine the quality and value of applicants by simply examining their hands:  soft = rich, educated, and not as much need to check for TB and lice.  In one Ragtime-like magical-history novel I read long ago, a secret group would note the soft-handed and sideline them from Ellis Island, giving the impression they could bribe their way out of all this unpleasantness and record-keeping.  Then they'd quietly execute them and excavate the bodies for hidden gems and precious metals.