Trout-skinned clouds make a horizon of burning pink, a rainbow serpent who encircles the visible west.
My inviolate vision in a life without parole gathering its last flower.
Ashes and dust, a dead oak, an abandoned fire pit: walk into invisibility where night plays catch with the laughing dead.
v. 3 A cascade of syllables rolls down the sacred mountain. Yogis yawn and grin.
Trout-skinned clouds make a horizon of burning pink, a rainbow serpent who encircles the visible west.
These are my fellows, my inviolate visions in a life without parole gathering its final flowers.
Ashes and dust, a dead oak, an abandoned fire pit: walk into invisibility where night plays catch with the laughing dead.
v. 2 It’s not simple, it’s interrupted.
A cascade of syllables down the sacred mountains. Yogis yawn and grin.
Trout-skinned clouds strung out a horizon of burning pink a rainbow serpent encircling the visible west. These are my fellows, my inviolate senses a life without parole gathering its final flowers.
Where’s the signal? Ashes and dust, a dead oak, an abandoned fire pit. Walk into invisibility where night plays catch with the laughing dead.
Hi Tim-
This one is so dense with images that I have I very hard time latching onto it. That said, I plucked a few of my favorite lines:
night plays catch
with the laughing dead
a life without parole
gathering its final flowers.For me, this is a strong ending
Some editing suggestions below. I rearranged a bit, and other than omitting words, I only changed one, and added a few others. (I changed 'night' to 'dusk' because otherwise how would I see the clouds? That may mess up your 'living... dead' idea, if that's what you were going for.
All that said, prepare for this one to be stolen, in part, or in whole, as evidenced by the number of 'guests' visiting. Must be time for final submissions in some poetry workshops, I guess.
Midnight at Radio Ranch
Where’s the signal?
It’s interrupted; not simple.
A broken cascade of syllables
down the sacred mountains.
Ashes and dust, a dead oak,
an abandoned fire pit. Dusk plays catch
with the laughing dead.
Trout-skinned clouds
strung out, burning pink,
a rainbow serpent
encircling the visible west.
These are my fellows, in a life without parole,
gathering its final flowers.
(12-21-2022, 05:45 AM)Mark A Becker Wrote: Hi Tim-
This one is so dense with images that I have I very hard time latching onto it. That said, I plucked a few of my favorite lines:
night plays catch
with the laughing dead
a life without parole
gathering its final flowers.For me, this is a strong ending
Some editing suggestions below. I rearranged a bit, and other than omitting words, I only changed one, and added a few others. (I changed 'night' to 'dusk' because otherwise how would I see the clouds? That may mess up your 'living... dead' idea, if that's what you were going for.
All that said, prepare for this one to be stolen, in part, or in whole, as evidenced by the number of 'guests' visiting. Must be time for final submissions in some poetry workshops, I guess.
Midnight at Radio Ranch
Where’s the signal?
It’s interrupted; not simple.
A broken cascade of syllables
down the sacred mountains.
Ashes and dust, a dead oak,
an abandoned fire pit. Dusk plays catch
with the laughing dead.
Trout-skinned clouds
strung out, burning pink,
a rainbow serpent
encircling the visible west.
These are my fellows, in a life without parole,
gathering its final flowers.
Thanks Mark for the read and taking time to critique.
Tells me I need to cut and I'm following your advice in that respect. Also did some rearranging of my own.
(12-18-2022, 09:05 AM)TranquillityBase Wrote: Midnight at Radio Ranch
It’s not simple, it’s interrupted.
A cascade of syllables down the sacred mountains. Yogis yawn and grin.
Trout-skinned clouds strung out a horizon of burning pink comma? a rainbow serpent encircling the visible west. These are my fellows, my inviolate senses comma? a life without parole gathering its final flowers.
Where’s the signal? Ashes and dust, a dead oak, Like the imagery here but not a complete sentence an abandoned fire pit. Walk into invisibility where night plays catch with the laughing dead.
It’s not simple, it’s interrupted.
A cascade of syllables
an eruption of babes
down the sacred mountains.
Yogis yawn and grin.
Dragons drag shining bellies
across turquoise sands,
rivers dance in the sky
around mandalas of stars.
Where’s the signal?
Ashes and dust, a dead oak,
an abandoned fire pit.
The sun floods the day
drowns the innocent
in waves of transcendence.
Walk into invisibility
where night plays catch
with the laughing dead.
Let the evening fun commence:
trout-skinned clouds strung out
a horizon of burning pink,
a rainbow serpent
encircling the visible west.
These are my fellows,
my inviolate senses
a life without parole
gathering its final flowers.
Hi Tim,
I have been coming back to this poem a lot taking it in. Did you change the ending before your more dramatic edit? I like the changes you made. You cut the parts that I had the most issues with, though I was sorry to see the dragon lines go. My main sticking point is a feeling of inconsistent punctuation with some fragmented sentences, is it intentional? I also pondered whether flipping last two stanzas might work better. I really like the tone of the poem but I personally need more concrete foot holds to climb this mountain with you to make it more satisfying for me. I googled 'Radio Ranch' but didn't get anything I thought related to this poem.
Take care,
Steve
(12-21-2022, 10:07 PM)brynmawr1 Wrote: I have been coming back to this poem a lot taking it in. Did you change the ending before your more dramatic edit? Yes, I didn't really like original ending, so I edited it in situ and didn't make it a "previous version" as I probably should have.
I like the changes you made. You cut the parts that I had the most issues with, though I was sorry to see the dragon lines go. My main sticking point is a feeling of inconsistent punctuation with some fragmented sentences, is it intentional? Not really. I think I can/should fix those.
I also pondered whether flipping last two stanzas might work better. I really like the tone of the poem but I personally need more concrete foot holds to climb this mountain with you to make it more satisfying for me. I flipped them because I wanted Walk into invisibility etc. to be last lines. to be the last lines.
I googled 'Radio Ranch' but didn't get anything I thought related to this poem. It's a personal reference. But I was going for a surreal atmosphere. Radio Ranch was a kind of commune of crazy arts people I used to visit in years past.
(12-18-2022, 09:05 AM)TranquillityBase Wrote: It's not Simple, It's Interrupted
Trout-skinned clouds make a horizon of burning pink, a rainbow serpent who encircles the visible west.
My inviolate vision in a life without parole gathering its last flower.
Ashes and dust, a dead oak, an abandoned fire pit: walk into invisibility where night plays catch with the laughing dead.
v. 3 A cascade of syllables rolls down the sacred mountain. Yogis yawn and grin.
Trout-skinned clouds make a horizon of burning pink, a rainbow serpent who encircles the visible west.
These are my fellows, my inviolate visions in a life without parole gathering its final flowers.
Ashes and dust, a dead oak, an abandoned fire pit: walk into invisibility where night plays catch with the laughing dead.
v. 2
It’s not simple, it’s interrupted.
A cascade of syllables down the sacred mountains. Yogis yawn and grin.
Trout-skinned clouds strung out a horizon of burning pink a rainbow serpent encircling the visible west. These are my fellows, my inviolate senses a life without parole gathering its final flowers.
Where’s the signal? Ashes and dust, a dead oak, an abandoned fire pit. Walk into invisibility where night plays catch with the laughing dead.
v. 1
It’s not simple, it’s interrupted.
A cascade of syllables
an eruption of babes
down the sacred mountains.
Yogis yawn and grin.
Dragons drag shining bellies
across turquoise sands,
rivers dance in the sky
around mandalas of stars.
Where’s the signal?
Ashes and dust, a dead oak,
an abandoned fire pit.
The sun floods the day
drowns the innocent
in waves of transcendence.
Walk into invisibility
where night plays catch
with the laughing dead.
Let the evening fun commence:
trout-skinned clouds strung out
a horizon of burning pink,
a rainbow serpent
encircling the visible west.
These are my fellows,
my inviolate senses
a life without parole
gathering its final flowers.
Very cool new version Tim, and a BIG improvement. I really did like the previous title though- "Midnight at Radio Ranch" had a surreal vibe to it, and would work well with this version.
(12-21-2022, 10:07 PM)brynmawr1 Wrote: I have been coming back to this poem a lot taking it in. Did you change the ending before your more dramatic edit? Yes, I didn't really like original ending, so I edited it in situ and didn't make it a "previous version" as I probably should have.
I like the changes you made. You cut the parts that I had the most issues with, though I was sorry to see the dragon lines go. My main sticking point is a feeling of inconsistent punctuation with some fragmented sentences, is it intentional? Not really. I think I can/should fix those.
I also pondered whether flipping last two stanzas might work better. I really like the tone of the poem but I personally need more concrete foot holds to climb this mountain with you to make it more satisfying for me. I flipped them because I wanted Walk into invisibility etc. to be last lines. to be the last lines.
I googled 'Radio Ranch' but didn't get anything I thought related to this poem. It's a personal reference. But I was going for a surreal atmosphere. Radio Ranch was a kind of commune of crazy arts people I used to visit in years past. Definitely got that vibe. Like it even more now that I know. I liked the surreal feel but got angsty not being sure. Sounds like a great time and a source of good material.
Take care,
Steve
I'll work on making the climb less onerous. Never onerous. I only offer opinions, never dogma. I have no idea what I am doing only what I am thinking and remember opinions have been compared to assholes.
I like the changes too and agree the Original title works best. It's an important part of the puzzle.
Later,
steve
