Bankruptcy

[71degrees]

a long time considering can be
a longer time, much longer
than shoulder blades

thin hills, for when I see them,
American streets spread wider
and wider, like yawns and aches—

we have been lying here
for years now, on occasion
we hold hands, sing psalms

however, when winter comes,
we adjust our sleep patterns,
for winter winds are fiercest

[Mark A Becker]

Hello degrees-
When I write poems, I often cut/edit, use as few words as possible.

When I read poems, I often do the same thing.

This piece speaks to me more clearly if I read it like this:

Bankruptcy

we have been lying here
for years now, on occasion
we hold hands, sing psalms

however, when winter comes
American streets spread wider
and wider, like yawns and aches

[71degrees]

What is it saying?

[TranquillityBase]

a long time considering can be
a longer time, much longer
than shoulder blades

thin hills, for when I see them,
American streets spread wider
and wider, like yawns and aches—

we have been lying here
for years now, on occasion
we hold hands, sing psalms

however, when winter comes,
we adjust our sleep patterns,
for winter winds are fiercest

Hi 71,

Some reader notes:

I don't quite get how the title relates to the poem.

I like the two parts to the poem, the initial two stanzas and ending two stanzas, but a bit confused by the switch from "I" to "we".  I'd expect the "we" to include "I", but that part throws me a curve I can't quite catch.

It also seems to end in mid-poem.  I guess I was expecting more of a conclusion, a bringing together of the two parts (as I read it).

Hope this is some help.  No suggestions about the lines themselves.  They are clear and precise.

TqB

________________________________________________ a later thought

I think "American streets" is too general.  Unless you are taking on some big subject, something that does effect America in its entirety.  I'm readig it not as an allegory, but as about actual streets, so I may have (often do) missed the point.

[Mark A Becker]

What is it saying?

"Your song ain't sung in our choir".

Bankruptcy  an accusation of moral bankruptcy

a long time considering can be
a longer time, much longer
than shoulder blades

thin hills, for when I see them,  these lines mean little to me
American streets spread wider
and wider, like yawns and aches—  widening division in America, otherwise why 'American streets'?

we have been lying here  who is the 'we'?
for years now, on occasion
we hold hands, sing psalms AHA! The 'we' have strongly held religious convictions- strong enough to lay down for.

however, when winter comes,  a place-holder line that balances the poem (tercets). 'winter' also works as a metaphor for change.
we adjust our sleep patterns,
for winter winds are fiercest  these lines also mean little to me

The narrator, real or fictional, seems to claim the moral high ground. Since the poem indicates 'American streets' it could speak to any number of divisions based upon religious conviction: prayer in schools, America as a (supposed) Christian nation, abortion, etc, etc.  I could pick any one of those hot button issues, but I'll go with 'door #3'- abortion, as it's the one that people lay down for, blocking access to clinics. 

So, I got all of that while cutting half of the lines.  Those other lines may have more importance to another reader, and must be important to the writer, or why include them?.  I don't ignore those lines, but I do tend to sort out the ones that stick. 

Another minor note-  I am OK with stanza/line breaks as commas, or I'd say that punctuation could be more consistent.

Since this is a forum/workshop for critique, I thought it appropriate that I should offer a more complete take than my previous 'crit-by-re-arrangement'. 
Mark

[71degrees]

@ Tranquility: I am prone to using words open to interpretation (hence, Bankruptcy...usually associated w/financial things. So I appreciate your point about 'American streets'). With the differing POV about length between the only two people who commented, I might lean more toward keeping most of this intact. Thanks.

@ Mark: thanks for your interpretation about 'moral bankruptcy' take....muchly appreciated. I

nteresting that TB and you differ so much approaching American streets. That's actually encouraging to me. I always look at a poem like a work of art so differing POV's are welcome. Thanks for your time. Your critiques and comments and the time you take doing so are muchly appreciated.

[Mark A Becker]

… interesting that TB and you differ so much approaching American streets. That's actually encouraging to me. I always look at a poem like a work of art so differing POV's are welcome.

Yes! A thought provoking poem like this one opens itself up to various valid interpretations. It’s a delicate balance to achieve, and I appreciate that aspect of your work: it’s harder to do than it appears.