|
Wristwatch (edit3)
|
06-11-2023, 08:19 AM
Wristwatch
left lying curled face-down spider waiting to entangle in her steely web. Missed her touch looped into place all caught up.  Non-practicing atheist
06-11-2023, 09:39 PM
.
Hi duke, like the conceit, but maybe it's a bit too short for it's own good? (And 'snagged' is a little lightweight. 'The Watch' ?) Given what you do in S2, it feels like quite a jump from 'morning' to 'left lying'. Would the 'why' (of you forgetting) add something? Don't think you need patiently (pretty strongly implied by 'spider' and 'ensnare') Really like 'sticky time' but could it come after 'schedules and appointment' (and so define them?) There's something about 'vice versa' that doesn't quite convince, but the idea that time has caught you again is very nice. Best, Knot .
06-12-2023, 04:57 AM
edit;
Day Watch Forgot my wristwatch briefly– left it lying on the dresser darkly curled face-down silent spider waiting for its chance to tangle me in its scheduled and appointed web of sticky time. Noticed missing weight in minutes looped it back in place (or it caught me again). Thanks! All good observations/suggestions, most of which I've tried to apply. "[A]ppointed" for "appointments" may be a grammatic twitch too far. (06-11-2023, 09:39 PM)Knot Wrote: . Non-practicing atheist
06-12-2023, 07:57 AM
A suggestion below for your consideration. Based on the earlier exchange...
My Wristwatch left it lying on the dresser darkly curled face-down silent spider waiting for its chance to tangle me in its scheduled and appointed web of sticky time. Noticed missing weight in minutes looped it back in place (or it caught me again). Just a thought. Using wristwatch as a title/first line, takes the pressure off both and avoids repetition.
06-12-2023, 08:15 PM
.
Hi duke.
"[A]ppointed" for "appointments" may be a grammatic twitch too far.
Maybe, but it didn't jar (and the sonics, appointed web of sticky time worked, for me) ... That said, I did hesitate a bit at 'scheduled'
 Day Watch ............. like the new title (though I'm starting to imagine you as a fly!)
Forgot my wristwatch briefly– ........... given L8 I don't think you need this
left it lying on the dresser ................... again, L8 makes 'left' rather redundant.
darkly curled face-down
silent spider waiting
for its chance to tangle me
in its scheduled and appointed
web of sticky time.
Noticed missing weight in minutes
looped it back in place
(or it caught me again). .................. still not landing, duke. The idea is right but it doesn't feel solid enough, and the parentheses aren't helping.
Best, Knot
.
06-13-2023, 04:25 AM
edit2;
Wristwatch Left it lying on the dresser curled face-down spider waiting for its chance to tangle me in its web of sticky time. Missed its weight in minutes looped it back in place caught up again. Thanks for all the good critique. Though some lines were liked, I'm leaning toward radical simplification in hopes that ambiguity will substitute beneficially for detail. Non-practicing atheist
06-13-2023, 04:41 AM
(06-13-2023, 04:25 AM)dukealien Wrote: edit2;Hi Duke, I like the edits. Only one suggestion for the end, might give you that ambiguity you are looking for. bryn
06-13-2023, 05:42 AM
(06-13-2023, 04:41 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote: Hate to be defensive, but Nevertheless I'll think it over, especially if others agree. Thanks! Non-practicing atheist
06-13-2023, 06:49 AM
(06-13-2023, 05:42 AM)dukealien Wrote:Hi Duke,(06-13-2023, 04:41 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote: I don't think you are being defensive by explaining your thinking. I would say two things. First, 'caught' is caught so the 'up' seemed redundant, to me. The second is that the 'up', for me, pushes the caught more towards the web rather than leaving it sort of 'equal' between the watch(time) and the narrator. Either way it's a very nice poem! Take care, bryn
06-13-2023, 07:50 AM
(06-11-2023, 08:19 AM)dukealien Wrote: Wristwatch Upon first reading, I couldn’t square the idea of a wristwatch snaring the writer in time schedules I surmised that it was a smartwatch. I don’t wear one. Nice conceit at the end, as others have commented.
06-13-2023, 09:07 PM
.
Hi duke,
like the latest revision.
Might you go a bit further still?
Wristwatch
lying face-down
on the dresser
curled spider
waiting for its chance
to tangle me
in your web
of sticky time.
Missed its weight in minutes
looped it back in place
caught up again. I wonder if you still need these? I think the implication that N will be 'caught up again' is pretty strong.
Best, Knot
.
06-14-2023, 06:50 AM
Wow. I've tried several things, and can't seem to improve on your rewrite. Bolder images, maybe? But without disturbing the essentials.
(06-13-2023, 09:07 PM)Knot Wrote: . Non-practicing atheist
06-15-2023, 01:10 AM
.
Hi Duke.
Bolder images, maybe? But without disturbing the essentials.
The only think I can think of is maybe put a little more meat on the bones of the title. My X's Wristwatch (or similar, or a name/model, something that makes it easier to visualise the timepiece?) - the images, for me, work just fine.
.
Maybe it's done?
Best, Knot.
. 
06-15-2023, 06:33 AM
Wristwatch
Left it lying on the dresser curled face-down spider waiting for its chance to tangle me in its web of sticky time. Don't over. Missed its weight, in minutes looped it back, or ; in place caught up again. "Again" optional.
06-16-2023, 10:17 AM
edit3;
Wristwatch left lying curled face-down spider waiting to entangle in her steely web. Missed her touch looped into place all caught up. Thanks to all critics for the very fine suggestions and rewrites. In addition to further slimming, I've incorporated the idea of personifying the watch/spider - beloved but hated constant gentle caress on the wrist. "Relentless" considered and rejected; likewise "cosmic" for the web. (What must pre-strap watch men have thought of having time chained across their bellies, costlier than an iPhone?) Non-practicing atheist
|
|
« Next Oldest | Next Newest »
|
