NOISE

[CircleWalker]

-

NOISE
 
So much Noise.
Worries, expectations, failures,
Plans, demands, guilt.
I just need to be.
 
Appointments, assignments, meetings.
Smiles, laughter, faces,
Mirrors, masks, lies.
Please, just let me be.
 
Too Much NOISE!
Pain! Tears! Darkness!
Cross – death – resurrection!
I just want to be.
 
Father, Son, Spirit.
Truth, forgiveness, peace,
Smiles, laughter, love.
Now, I can just be.

[CircleWalker]

This is the most structured poem that I have ever written. It originally emerged as 4 stanzas, each with 3 lines of 3 words 
followed by a 4th line with 5 words. And that structure has not changed despite several verbal revisions which mostly 
focused on one difficult line.

I realize that this poem will not be to many readers’ tastes. Its cryptic style might be confusing, and the inner struggles of
 the subject with himself and with the world are challenging to convey. However, it speaks to me.

The latest version, maybe the last, is an attempt to deal with the difficulty of illustrating the subject walking through an 
overwhelming internal crisis that literally takes him to the ground. And the healing and peace and truth that he finds.

Words alone, using “standard” grammar and style, proved inadequate to communicate the intensity of the experience. Through 
Capitalization, italicization, and changes in punctuation, I have tried to transform this into something more experiential.

This poem doesn’t seem to belong in this forum, but I read somewhere that one definition of short form poetry is one with 60
 words or less, so I posted it here. Should a moderator think it better belongs somewhere else, then feel free to move it.

[Magpie]

Yeah it's not really a short poem is it? I'll just pretend it's in basic critique so you're getting a free one. 
I've read your notes about how you've used capitalisation and italicisation to help transform a previous version, but I don't really think it has helped to change any emphasis in meaning. I've aligned it to the left, that centre shite is confusing as...   

----

NOISE

So much Noise

Worries, expectations, failures

Plans, demands, guilt

I just need to be   -- this is fine as a first stanza and it could be a short poem in itself. The punctuation needs sorting, comma after 'failures', full stop or comma after 'noise' etc 

 

Appointments, assignments, meetings

Smiles, laughter, faces

Mirrors, masks, lies

Please, just let me be  -- this stanza seems to be a continuation of the first, and it's starting to read more like a list.

 

Too Much NOISE

Pain! Tears! Darkness!

Cross ... death ... resurrection -- don't need the ellipses 

I just want to be

 

Father, Son, Spirit

Truth, forgiveness, peace

Smiles, laughter, love

Now, I can just be  -- the last two stanzas take on a definite religious aspect which kind of leaves me guessing.

Hi Circle, I know that this is obviously a very personal poem to you. My comments are all based on the piece as a poem. For me a lot of it reads like a list, cryptic is good sometimes but only if it works. There seems to be some kind of journey in there and I am intrigued as to what that journey is. Some kind of acceptance through a religious comfort or experience. The reader is left wondering what the guilt is about or the mirrors and masks. It's good to get the reader to work but sometimes we need a little more help. Perhaps some metaphor or a bit more description would help.

Cheers for the read

[Mark A Becker]

Hello walker-
welcome to the Pen, and hope you get plenty muddy

As regards your poem, I am left not feeling much. There is no imagery to guide me; to make me feel something.

I suggest editing the list, and imagine what the narrator hears. Since it is about NOISE, I especially need the sense of hearing to get some attention, in order to grab my attention. That said, I'll leave it to you to cut, and then flesh this one out.

Hope that was helpful,
Mark

[CircleWalker]

The version posted at the top is my latest. Probably the last.

As I said in my notes above, I realize that this is an unusual and cryptic poem, It relates to inner struggles. My poems generally emerge as expressions of something that I am to understand. I share them in hopes that they might help someone else as well.

Some may get it, most probably won't, and that's OK. The NOISE is "inner noise", psychological noise. Some might refer to this as "monkey mind".

The 1st stanza refers to noise completely sourced internally. The 2nd stanza relates to noise sourced by the world ... work, family, society. The 3rd stanza relates to the NOISE becoming overwhelming - crushing, and begins the journey beyond that.

The last edit includes punctuation and left-alignment which were recommended above.

[rowens]

The last two stanzas with their trinities is a nice play of satire holding back from flippancy by the burden of pure pain.

That tension is the strength of the poem.


The inner noise you mention, as well as the outer, isn't being missed or misunderstood. It's very much understood.

Too understood. As the raw animal suffering is shared all over the place.

You're not alone in that.
Poetic strength is a lonely villa. . . . The tension you created is strong. Learn from your strengths.

[CircleWalker]

The last two stanzas with their trinities is a nice play of satire holding back from flippancy by the burden of pure pain.

That tension is the strength of the poem.


The inner noise you mention, as well as the outer, isn't being missed or misunderstood. It's very much understood.

Too understood. As the raw animal suffering is shared all over the place.

You're not alone in that.
Poetic strength is a lonely villa.  . . . The tension you created is strong. Learn from your strengths.

Thanks for the feedback. Much appreciated.