Your face

[crow]

Your face

You have a face like this:
A face with everything in it,
like a postage stamp of the first
woman who loved storms
a mirage where men die alone
and see you last, your face
is like a toy that spins so fast
there is pain and joy and again
and again. A gay blotto.

You are agile, and kind, and severe.

And I am a goose, yes,
I am, I am
a goose yes yes
I am a goose

cracker beak
mean
on your
your soft hands.

[brynmawr1]

Your face

You have a face like this:        The transition from L1 to L2 to L3 reads a little awkward to me.  Maybe it's the repetition of face in the L2?
A face with everything in it,
like a postage stamp of the first
woman who loved storms       Not sure what it really means but like the idea of it
a mirage where men die alone
and see you last, your face      I am tempted, here, to cut 'your face' and start next line with 'a face like a toy...'  mostly cause S1 suggests this is going to be more of a list poem than it is.
is like a toy that spins so fast
there is pain and joy and again    one could argue against the repetition of 'again' but I like the carefree looseness of it.
and again. A gay blotto.   You're using 'blotto' as a noun, no?  Not sure what to make of that.

You are agile, and kind, and severe.   and then the turn

And I am a goose, yes,
I am, I am
a goose yes yes
I am a goose          again, like the carefree feel but I don't think it works quite as well...

cracker beak
mean
on your
your soft hands.     I like the ending, very image driven for me.

Hi Crow,

Overall, I like this.  It travels for me in an unexpected but not unfulfilling direction.  There are some punctuation issues in S1 that might help some flow as the line breaks aren't really for enjambment but more meter as far as I can tell(but I'm no expert).  Thanks for posting.
Take care,
bryn

[Funkeldunks]

This is a challenge to read. I’m left with the experience of reading an inside conversation. Like I’m not supposed to know what or who you are speaking to. I’d like to know the connection between the face and the goose. I like the idea of the first woman who loved storms. I can’t connect these concepts without some more direction.

[Mark A Becker]

Hello crow- I really like the section below and think the poem could be fleshed out using more actual flesh and bone details.

You have a face like the first
woman who loved storms
men die alone
and see you last


Your face

You have a face like this:
A face with everything in it,interesting thought
like a postage stamp of the first the postage stamp metaphor just ain't working for me
woman who loved storms this is the most intriguing idea to me
a mirage where men die alone
and see you last, your face very cool thought here, too. But what is it about her face that would be the last thing men see?
is like a toy that spins so fast The mixed metaphor 'postage stamp/toy' really threw me off
there is pain and joy and again
and again. A gay blotto. mystified by 'gay blotto' She's a flirty alcoholic???

You are agile, and kind, and severe. A description other than these modifiers would work better: eyes, cheek bones, lips, etc. 'agile, kind, and severe' are far to general to picture- I need more concrete imagery

And I am a goose, yes, now I'm totally lost. This section feels like a completely different poem
I am, I am
a goose yes yes
I am a goose

cracker beak
mean
on your
your soft hands.

I do hope that my take on this piece is helpful, because I feel that this idea could be worked to great effect: that woman's face being the last thing that some men will picture.
Mark