Dreams - Edit 1.0

[busker]

Dreams

Dreams are told -
ink on reams
of paper cold

come autumn. Trees
leak colours bold
in tannin streams.

Leaves turn gold.
I grow old in dreams.


Original: 

The poet told 
of love in reams
with fingers cold

come autumn. Trees
leached colours bold
into tannin streams.

As their leaves turned gold
I grew old in your dreams.

[brynmawr1]

Dreams

The poet told 
of love in reams
with fingers cold

come autumn. Trees
leached colours bold
into tannin streams.

As their leaves turned gold
I grew old in your dreams.

you gotta give us time to digest the original before reposting.  I like the edits but seems like something is missing that I, vaguely, remember being there earlier.  I like the rhyme, end and internal.  What about making the last stanza present tense?
bryn

[busker]

Sorry, Bryn
I posted too soon and it’s totally half baked
Was trying to salvage something

[brynmawr1]

Sorry, Bryn
I posted too soon and it’s totally half baked
Was trying to salvage something

no salvaging needed.  half baked is our specialty.  Repost the original and lets see what happens.

[Magpie]

Dreams

The poet told 
of love in reams
with fingers cold

come autumn. Trees
leached colours bold
into tannin streams.

As their leaves turned gold
I grew old in your dreams.

I like this. Good use of enjambment.

A couple of points - Were you looking to stick to any structure? The first five lines work so well with four syllables each and then line six seems to jar because it has an extra syllable. You could have it as 'in  tannin streams' and it would work, it also would help the last two lines to work if the first six are regular. 

Also, I would suggest changing the title, it's kind of lazy. A better title would definitely help.

Good read.

[Bunx]

I agree with the title change it's a vague for such a descriptive poem. I went from reading this in my normal tone. On my second read in my head and under my breath my octave went lower.

I love the theme of one's picture of an older poet (probably annonoymous). Gold is a metaphor for timeless value in juxtaposition to "cold fingers" representing death.

Your poems are dense with Busker with such few words the theme illusionary or others are bold as font.

[Mark A Becker]

Hey busker- comments below:

Dreams another title ??

The poet told
of love in reams ??
with fingers cold

come autumn. Trees
leak colours bold 'leached' seems too harsh for this one
in tannin streams. suggest 'in' to maintain syllable count

As leaves turn gold suggest maintining present tense. Strike 'their' to maintain 4 syllables
I'm growing old

Present tense would make this one more immediate for me.

The 4 syllable/line structure could be maintained with a bit more thought.

These short ones are always the trouble makers, aren't they.

[busker]

Thanks, all
@bryn - thanks for pointing out that there was something to be saved. I was going to scuttle it but the feedback, esp from Mark, steered the ship in the right direction

@Bunx - thanks for pointing out the title issue. I have kept the title but it ought to make more sense now with the new first line

@ambroisial - ditto on the title and on the syllable count. It never sounded good to me, but “leaching in” and “leaching into” has different connotations and I have a mineral processing background amongst other things…BUT changing it to “leak” makes the syllable rationalisation simpler


@Mark - the leach / leak change and switching to the present were great suggestions. Rewritten along those lines.