Never Enough

[depressedmetalhead]

I know it's not much, but I had to get something down so I don't slip into creative isolation.

Never Enough

My formerly untouched skin, 
porcelain with youth, innocence
is pierced and dragged
by the blade of reality.
The words are carved into me:
never enough.
Before they were on my physical body
they were in my mind
seeds planted by you, my own father
so focused on his vain reflection
and who he wishes I was
that he never sees my bleeding.

Never Enough

My formerly untouched skin, 
porcelain with youth, innocence
is pierced and dragged
by the blade of reality.
The words are carved into me:
never enough.
Before they were on my physical body
they were in my mind
placed by you, my own father
so focused on his vain reflection
and ideas of who he wishes I was
that he never sees my bleeding.

[Poet-dude-ig]

At first reading of this poem I found great comparison to characters named Anya and Jimmy in a story-game called Mouthwashing. The inflicted self-doubt, the loss of innocence, and the will to look past one's pain are all big parts of their dynamic. I love the way you were able to create a connection in only 12 lines. Without further yappage, here is the feedback I've come up with:


My formerly untouched skin, 
porcelain with youth, innocence
is pierced and dragged
by the blade of reality.
The words are carved into me:
never enough.
Before they were on my physical body
they were in my mind
placed by you, 
Place is a bit of a weak verb and a tad generalized, some words that work a tad better are: supplemented or wedged
so focused on his vain reflection
and ideas of who he wishes I was
"ideas of" doesn't add anything to the line
that he never sees my bleeding.

[Mark A Becker]

Well hello metal-
Some in-line comments below:

Never Enough

My formerly untouched skin, another word for formerly?
porcelain with youth, innocence maybe just leave out formerly since innocemce will convey the thought
is pierced and dragged cut is
by the blade of reality. 'dragged' doesn't fit with 'blade'. Just cut [i]'dragged'[/i]
The words are carved into me: Leave out the whenever possible
never enough.
Before they were on my physical body Describe the specific body part
they were in my mind
seeds planted by you, my own father Mixed metaphor of seeds planted is out of context with skin/blade/words
so focused on his vain reflection
and who he wishes I wasleave out his vain reflection
that he never sees my bleeding. Cut that he

Leaves you with this:

My untouched skin,
porcelain innocence
pierced
by the blade of reality.
Words carved into me:
never enough.
Before they were on my ??
they were in my mind
???, my own father
so focused on
who he wishes I was
never sees my bleeding.

Needs more work, starting at Before.. You've got the bones of a strong poem here, metal.
Respectfully,
Mark