My Father

[Ryan Geoffrey Hayward]

As you with sleeping breathes,
whizzing and  so weak,
I'll come and squeeze your hands,
and imagine so restlessly,
I'll then inhale your last
inhales from your chest,
and then all of a sudden,
You & this phantom will be free.

[Harroldinho]

Hey Ryan, here are my thoughts. Initially the title puts expectations of father - son dynamics into my head from the perspective of the son.
1 - who is you pops into my head.
2 - I initially read that as wheezing to indicate that the father may be sick along with the weak word, but whizzing indicates speed and something going by fast.
3 - so maybe the father is sick in bed and the son is supporting from bedside?
4 - imagining seems to me like thinking with idealism in mind/wistful thinking/optimism
5/6 - the son will take on the father's pain to relieve him of the agony
7 - caught off guard
8 - the father will be freed from the pain

I believe this poem is about the son struggling with seeing his father struggling and in pain from some illness and wanting to relieve him of the pain. I'm not sure if in line 2 "whizzing" is supposed to be "wheezing".

thanks,
Harry

[dukealien]

As you with sleeping breathes,  Curious mix of grammar here, which carries through the poem
whizzing and  so weak,  "whizzing" is unexpected - sense of speed, or flying but mainly a fast buzzing sound
I'll come and squeeze your hands,  "squeeze" is nice match with "whizzing," but note "I'll come" for later
and imagine so restlessly,  "imagine so" by itself suggests a conclusion, "restlessly" suggests wanting it to be over
I'll then inhale your last  a terrifying line
inhales from your chest,  perhaps "exhales" or "exhalation" since the death rattle is final
and then all of a sudden, "all of a sudden" is cliche, perhaps "with suddenness" or better - be original
You & this phantom will be free.  great last line slightly marred by the ampersand, but leaves reader with the question -
is the speaker the phantom (if only in his own mind) or the father's actual departing spirit?

(Might go a little deeper than Basic here - had the experience of watching over sleeping father after cancer surgery.)

In basic critique, don't take any of the above (or below) too seriously.  However...

I tend to read  the first line as "breaths" (plural of breath) - the subject "you" is singular, so if it's a verb, "breathe," if noun, "breaths" (plural).  Which is only to say, my grammar hobgoblin was triggered.  Pace, goblin, the ambiguity is fine.

"I'll come" opens up the possibility that the author is thinking about what he *will* do (or the vampire-like phantom, by a different interpretation, will).

The impact of this poem, as a whole, depends on how the reader regards the speaker.  If it's a son, there's a little nervous disquiet:  this isn't property being inherited, it's picking up an escaping life on which he has a claim (but which also has a claim on him).  If the phantom is something like a vampire, the drama is in a different key.  And, unlike the real son, a little comfort for being imaginary.

The ambiguities here are striking.  Not sure it would be improved by removing them, or the odd verb/noun forms.  If the author is mourning, or preparing to mourn, a certain ungrammatical emotion is appropriate.  If the phantom is a demon - well, they don't have English classes down there.

A rough read, but worth it.

[busker]

As you with sleeping breathes,
whizzing and  so weak,
I'll come and squeeze your hands,
and imagine so restlessly,
I'll then inhale your last
inhales from your chest,
and then all of a sudden,
You & this phantom will be free.

Some of the word choices could be improved-
1. Wheezing instead of whizzing
2. Exhales from…instead of inhales from
3. “You with sleeping breathes wheezing” doesn’t make grammatical sense

I appreciate the picture you’re trying to paint

[Natangwe]

As you with sleeping breathes,         peaceful yet painful

whizzing and  so weak,           
        
I'll come and squeeze your hands,

and imagine so restlessly,                disrupts flow for me, maybe "imagine restlessly" would work?

I'll then inhale your last                   similar structure as line 3, maybe "the" instead of "your" to add emphasis

inhales from your chest,  
                
and then all of a sudden,                is it really "all of a sudden" in the scene described? maybe "unfathomably" (or something similar to avoid an                                                       unintended rhmye with "free")
You & this phantom will be free.      Again a little bit out of flow for me, but here it works much better as it ends the poem; not sure what to                                                            think of the word "phantom" but that might be intended 

Hey Ryan,
Your poem creates very powerful imagery in few lines, I like that a lot! Also, the title puts the entire scene into a very relatable context. Very well done in my opinion. 
The only thing was that one line (4) felt a bit slower when reading which distracted the overall flow for me. All other lines seemed to follow this certain flow and this line is not powerful enough to be allowed to disrupt it (imo). 

But overall a very enjoyable read, thanks!