Ghosts of Summer

[carahmellow]

I've been in a poetry writing slump... so I have been a little MIA. I tend to be this way with poetry. It's like a rollercoaster. I write frantically, and then nothing for a few months. Anyways... here is a recent piece I would like a little critique on. 

Ghosts of Summer

In the sweltering August heat,
ghosts roam my quiet home,
hobbies long forgotten
in the buzzing electric light.

The spirits, empty,
long to remember
the passions that once
hung their hearts before the crowd.

And here I sit,
listening to their woeful cries,
as the summer folds into itself,
to hibernate among the bears.

Yet through weeping whispers,
I understand their burdens—
They are no longer shackled
to all that is burdensome.

They are too free for their own good,
endless time like a blanket to suffocate,
not to warm them
in the earthly cold.

[adagio]

I like this piece, especially because I can definitely relate to the feeling you're describing
It feels like a link is missing though.
Your passions and hobbies long forgotten behave like regular ghosts, roaming, crying and whispering. But I can only guess what these passions were, and you don't describe your feelings towards them either. In fact, you yourself are completely out of the picture here. And it feels oddly incomplete without you. After all, these are *your* passions

[dukealien]

I've been in a poetry writing slump... so I have been a little MIA. I tend to be this way with poetry. It's like a rollercoaster. I write frantically, and then nothing for a few months. Anyways... here is a recent piece I would like a little critique on. 

Ghosts of Summer

In the sweltering August heat,
ghosts roam my quiet home,
hobbies long forgotten
in the buzzing electric light.  You just said it was quiet (g).  Maybe "toneless fluorescent light?"

The spirits, empty,
long to remember
the passions that once
hung their hearts before the crowd. Replace "the" (except on this line) with something specific and image-rich - what kind of spirits, what kind of passions?  There's room to paint them here.

And here I sit,
listening to their woeful cries,
as the summer folds into itself,  "this" summer?  And a word not including "-to" - save it for that punchy next line.
to hibernate among the bears.

Yet through weeping whispers,
I understand their burdens—
They are no longer shackled
to all that is burdensome.  Excellent stanza

They are too free for their own good,
endless time like a blanket to suffocate,  to metaphor:  "...time a suffocating blanket?"
not to warm them
in the earthly cold.  This is a dying fall, as it should be.  But could a word not "the" make it emptier, more hanted?

---

Not to sound like a broken record (does anyone under 50 understand that reference - a "record" is one item in a data file, isn't it?), but much might be gained by replacing "the" with descriptive words or removing it completely.

But not "the bears!"  Strong, beautiful and grumpy they are.

[carahmellow]

I've been in a poetry writing slump... so I have been a little MIA. I tend to be this way with poetry. It's like a rollercoaster. I write frantically, and then nothing for a few months. Anyways... here is a recent piece I would like a little critique on. 

Ghosts of Summer

In the sweltering August heat,
ghosts roam my quiet home,
hobbies long forgotten
in the buzzing electric light.  You just said it was quiet (g).  Maybe "toneless fluorescent light?"

The spirits, empty,
long to remember
the passions that once
hung their hearts before the crowd. Replace "the" (except on this line) with something specific and image-rich - what kind of spirits, what kind of passions?  There's room to paint them here.

And here I sit,
listening to their woeful cries,
as the summer folds into itself,  "this" summer?  And a word not including "-to" - save it for that punchy next line.
to hibernate among the bears.

Yet through weeping whispers,
I understand their burdens—
They are no longer shackled
to all that is burdensome.  Excellent stanza

They are too free for their own good,
endless time like a blanket to suffocate,  to metaphor:  "...time a suffocating blanket?"
not to warm them
in the earthly cold.  This is a dying fall, as it should be.  But could a word not "the" make it emptier, more hanted?

---

Not to sound like a broken record (does anyone under 50 understand that reference - a "record" is one item in a data file, isn't it?), but much might be gained by replacing "the" with descriptive words or removing it completely.

But not "the bears!"  Strong, beautiful and grumpy they are.

Thank you! I really like some of these suggestions, and plan to tweak them.... i much prefer the line... time a suffocating blanket. Its a bit more simple and clear. This poem is specifically about motherhood, and watching my kids at the end of summer vacation... lol. I'm wondering if I should make the poem a bit more clear.... maybe adding the word young somewhere? not sure. Do you have any possible suggestions?

---

I like this piece, especially because I can definitely relate to the feeling you're describing
It feels like a link is missing though.
Your passions and hobbies long forgotten behave like regular ghosts, roaming, crying and whispering. But I can only guess what these passions were, and you don't describe your feelings towards them either. In fact, you yourself are completely out of the picture here. And it feels oddly incomplete without you. After all, these are *your* passions

Thank you! This poem is specifically about my children at the end of summer vacation. I was worried that the idea was going to get a little lost... it's too vague, and your comment definitely helped me realize that. So im trying to find a way to work it into the poem more, just to be a bit clearer with my message. Thanks for your two cents!

[Deor Ana Log]

This poem should be expanded a few more stanzas, to enhance clarity. Over though, its a compelling piece about the emptiness we find within ourselves.

A gentle reminder that this is insufficient critique, even for Basic forum.  Also, the rules indicate that one must offer critique in the forum they wish to post.  Please review the guidelines.

-Bryn

[Bunx]

Before I read your replies I was going to say I love how you're poems are provocative, relatable, and the language catches my attention. Though I'm not a parent I relate to alot of this. I assume "the crowd" in stanza two refers to family. I feel like the crowd could be metaphorical too for a life changing experience. 

Anywho, I'm glad your poem crossed my eye thanks for the read!