Annals from the patio:

[brynmawr1]

I am posting this a little early as it didn't end as I had intended.  So, I am sort of wondering if it's working or not.

Annals from the patio:
Sulfur Cosmos Against a Morning Sky
 
Myriad suns reaching
upon spindly stalks
for the one we all watch
most having already faded,
inevitably, now
brown stars falling
towards tomorrow.
 
But the bees-
both honey and bumble,
having parsed ever slanting rays
return despite the waning
to the factory floor, humbly,
 
each day, they make light
of their labor mining,
every flower dwindling,
carelessly; that is to say-
what cares do bees have
 
for celestial turnings,
inscrutable in their duties,
even immune, perhaps,
to an unseasonable chill?
 
A foreshadow in plain sight
of the late August sun.

[adagio]

It reads well, yet I feel that this piece may be too long for the message it contains. Nothing is permanent, even our sun will go out – but the bees don't care, going about their daily business. That's what it says, right? I feel that some sort of conclusion is missing here. I'd really like to know where it leads, what your next thought is on that.

[brynmawr1]

It reads well, yet I feel that this piece may be too long for the message it contains. Nothing is permanent, even our sun will go out – but the bees don't care, going about their daily business. That's what it says, right? I feel that some sort of conclusion is missing here. I'd really like to know where it leads, what your next thought is on that.

Hi Adagio,
Thanks for reading and commenting.  I agree.  Like I mentioned, the ending wasn't what I originally intended.  I will go back and try to rework it and hopefully address the issues you raise.
Thanks again,
Bryn

[dukealien]

I am posting this a little early as it didn't end as I had intended.  So, I am sort of wondering if it's working or not.

Annals from the patio:
Sulfur Cosmos Against a Morning Sky  
 
Myriad suns reaching
upon spindly stalks
for the one we all watch   except that we don't - it hurts the eyes
most having already faded,
inevitably, now   could this line and the last be condensed and combined?
brown stars falling   brown dwarf stars - what I see from this, not a suggestion!
towards tomorrow.
 
Possible indent here, see below

But the bees-
both honey and bumble, is "both" necessary?
having parsed ever slanting rays  nice "inside baseball" poetry - comma at end?
return despite the waning
to the factory floor, humbly, "their" instead of "the?" - also, lead with "humbly" perhaps
 
each day, they make light
of their labor mining, very nice redirect of "light" here
every flower dwindling,  no comma needed
carelessly; that is to say-
what cares do bees have  could say "what cares have bees" but archaic so stet
 
for celestial turnings,
inscrutable in their duties,  if you want "inscrutable" - great word - could use "to" in place of "in" here
even immune, perhaps,  do you mean something like unaffected or unmoved?  "Immune" doesn't quite fit
to an unseasonable chill?
 
A foreshadow in plain sight  Back to the flowers from the bees.  Could that be made clearer?
of the late August sun.

(Without looking at previous crit or response)

Title (second line):  Not being a gardener, I had to look up the flower.  Beautiful they are.

The above may go a little beyond basic critique.  Per your comment above the poem, perhaps the bees could be set off from the flowers by an indent so the return to them at the end is easier to process.  Or the last stanza could contain a transition, though - once I figured it out - the snap back is good.  Especially if this is intended, as the title suggests, as part of a series.

[EmperorPenguin]

That was a good read and I personally enjoyed it. I had this nice little bee bopping thing going on in my head with your last stanza. I will need to figure out the time signature, tempo, and note type used to tell you, but it sounded pretty sweet in my head.

I do apologize if my critique is weak, but this is the first time I've read someone else's poetry since I took creative writing.