I Sink Irony

[Deor Ana Log]

we could’ve flown away
My heart sinks for the lack of
pregnant pause
And yours forgets like today is fictitious
So I am done with pretending, irony
no more asking please
Dressing up your cares
Like I don't want you naked
This love was lost for one
Not two was too much
And you still wave, just not enough
And my hairline aches for the time I lost
counting flowers for you
like it was fate instead of a fairy tale
I know in real life
We still had a friendship
Until my lifeboat sunk
Now we are wilted flowers
my hair wings when I wake up
we drowned anyway
and I am okay

[Deor Ana Log]

I have completely reworked this poem, and it definitely deserves a second look.

[wasellajam]

I have completely reworked this poem, and it definitely deserves a second look.

Hi, Deor, it can be confusing to come back to a thread and find the original poem gone. Here’s our preferred way to post an edit:

When doing an edit:

Try to always do the edit or revision above your original
just go to the opening post and click on edit
Then edit your poem;

1st Edit or 1st Revision(the choice is yours)

blah blah black sheep
have you any wool?
sfvblqjahbfjb
hfajbfjkbf

Original version;

blah blah balck sleep
lhcs;kjbf;akbjf;a
sfvblqjahbfjb
hfajbfjkbf

If you put this (without the space after the slash) around the old one it will hide it but leave it accessible.
[pre verse] [/ pre verse]

[Deor Ana Log]

Thank you for the help! I would love your feedback as well, if you have time.

[wasellajam]

Thank you for the help! I would love your feedback as well, if you have time.

Sure, I just read everything multiple times, I hadn’t quite gotten a grip on the original and this one isn’t easy for me either. I’ll get there.

[Rich Brown]

There are some really good lines. I like my aching hairline, a brilliant personification of age through emoting. Later on, though, the word 'hair' is repeated, which bothers me somewhat, as is the case with the word 'flowers'. I don't care for the sonics of 'lack of'. Also, 'my heart sinks' is a bit proverbially musty. For pregnant pause, I am not sure how I feel about the alliteration. It feels a bit incongruous with the previous lines. Some lines read like prose forced into a poem, while others seem concerned with the sonics, mostly alliteration in the beginning: pregnant/pause, forgets/fictitious. However, I do like the alliteration in 'fate' and 'fairytale'. I think that line works well. Also, the homophones of two and too are too much. It feels like brilliant nostalgic phrasing of certain lines, but not cohesive. Thank you for reading my first critique. I just joined the forum.

[Deor Ana Log]

There are some really good lines. I like my aching hairline, a brilliant personification of age through emoting. Later on, though, the word 'hair' is repeated, which bothers me somewhat, as is the case with the word 'flowers'. I don't care for the sonics of 'lack of'. Also, 'my heart sinks' is a bit proverbially musty. For pregnant pause, I am not sure how I feel about the alliteration. It feels a bit incongruous with the previous lines. Some lines read like prose forced into a poem, while others seem concerned with the sonics, mostly alliteration in the beginning: pregnant/pause, forgets/fictitious. However, I do like the alliteration in 'fate' and 'fairytale'. I think that line works well. Also, the homophones of two and too are too much. It feels like brilliant nostalgic phrasing of certain lines, but not cohesive. Thank you for reading my first critique. I just joined the forum.

Thanks to your critique, I have made this poem into a song! Thank you so much, and I can't wait to see some of your poems Rich.

[wasellajam]

Hi, Deor, I've read this so many times I guess it's time to say that for me it never gels. Some notes below.

we could’ve flown away Soared or so light weight as to disappear?
My heart sinks for the lack of cliche, awkward phrasing, weak break.
pregnant pause infertility, abortion, lack of anticipation?
And yours forgets like today is fictitious interesting phrasing but in the end I can't tie this in.
So I am done with pretending, irony I'm not a fan of "irony" just hanging out here, I'm guessing the two actors have switched emotional positions but I'd like the poem to say that on its own.
no more asking please
Dressing up your cares
Like I don't want you naked
This love was lost for one
Not two was too much A lost relationship is lost by both, the narrator is arguing that here?
And you still wave, just not enough
And my hairline aches for the time I lost I get so much time passing balding is involved but I think thats wrong.
counting flowers for you
like it was fate instead of a fairy tale "counting flowers" is vague (maybe a specific flower?) but this line is lovely and clear.
I know in real life
We still had a friendship
Until my lifeboat sunk The lifeboat seems separate from the relationship, has the poem explained what it is and I missed it?
Now we are wilted flowers cliche
my hair wings when I wake up Novel but awkward
we drowned anyway
and I am okay

So, I know I am repeating myself but once again the erratic capitalization and lack of punctuations leaves me working much harder than what for me is enjoyable in a poem and I still don't get there. I get a past relationship, views of it have changed. It may be me but the I and You never firmly hold their places, sorry I can't be of more constructive, I hope this helps in some way.
Thanks for posting.