Do you?

[sad_bunny]

Do you? 

Do you ever wonder why
The sun sets and the moon shines?
But you stay the same
Never changing 
Always so dark and sad.

Do you ever think about how
The moon can be just as bright
Even on the darkest night.

Does it ever cross your mind
That maybe you’re not alone 
In this thing called life.

[Stan]

Hi Bunny,
A lot of this worked for me. You could argue that ‘never changing’ is a bit redundant, as it means essentially the same thing as the line before it. But, given that the lines are about a person who never changes, I’m all for it.

Should the question mark come after ‘Always so dark and sad’? And should there be question marks after each stanza?

I like how you’ve sought to answer the question in the first stanza. You do this by pointing to flux in nature. You also gesture towards an answer by reminding the reader of brightness among the dark, and of the presence of these planetary bodies—and what they represent—alongside the person addressed, no matter how lonely he or she feels.

Could you add a bit more detail to some of the ideas in your poem? For example, how and why should the change that nature represents comfort people? I think you’ve already begun to do this by suggesting that the person addressed is, in some sense, always accompanied. But could you explore further how that works? Is there a relationship between how dark the night is and how bright the moon shines, for example?

I enjoyed the simplicity of the ‘dark and sad’ next to the images of the setting sun and shining moon.

[wasellajam]

Do you? 

Do you ever wonder why
The sun sets and the moon shines?
But you stay the same
Never changing 
Always so dark and sad.

Do you ever think about how
The moon can be just as bright
Even on the darkest night.

Does it ever cross your mind
That maybe you’re not alone 
In this thing called life.

Hi, welcome to the Pen. I have a few minor changes you can consider:

A change in punctuation for S1 might clarify, dropping the ? to after "sad".

S2 got me thinking about the phases of the moon, how it's not bright on the darkest night. I think maybe a change to "Even on your darkest night." might avoid that.

I think you could expand S3 with more detail about how the moon or just the natural order of sun/moon can make the Narrator feel less alone.

Hope this helps a bit, thanks for posting.

[JohnS]

Do you? 

Do you ever wonder why
The sun sets and the moon shines?
But you stay the same
Never changing 
Always so dark and sad.

Do you ever think about how
The moon can be just as bright
Even on the darkest night.

Does it ever cross your mind
That maybe you’re not alone 
In this thing called life.

Hi,

I agree the question mark should come at the end of each stanza.

S1L2, you may wish to consider making the moon "rise" to give a feeling of the continuity of these events.

S1L5 Do you need both dark and sad? Melancholy?

Good start, write on!

[sad_bunny]

Hi Bunny,
A lot of this worked for me. You could argue that ‘never changing’ is a bit redundant, as it means essentially the same thing as the line before it. But, given that the lines are about a person who never changes, I’m all for it.

Should the question mark come after ‘Always so dark and sad’? And should there be question marks after each stanza?

I like how you’ve sought to answer the question in the first stanza. You do this by pointing to flux in nature. You also gesture towards an answer by reminding the reader of brightness among the dark, and of the presence of these planetary bodies—and what they represent—alongside the person addressed, no matter how lonely he or she feels.

Could you add a bit more detail to some of the ideas in your poem? For example, how and why should the change that nature represents comfort people? I think you’ve already begun to do this by suggesting that the person addressed is, in some sense, always accompanied. But could you explore further how that works? Is there a relationship between how dark the night is and how bright the moon shines, for example?

I enjoyed the simplicity of the ‘dark and sad’ next to the images of the setting sun and shining moon.

Hello, 

Thank you so much for the reply and the recommendations, I’ll definitely consider them. This post was something I wrote in 10 minutes, very spur of the moment thing, so I didn’t put that much thought into it, but now I’ll think on it more. 

I’ll send updates soon!

---

Do you? 

Do you ever wonder why
The sun sets and the moon shines?
But you stay the same
Never changing 
Always so dark and sad.

Do you ever think about how
The moon can be just as bright
Even on the darkest night.

Does it ever cross your mind
That maybe you’re not alone 
In this thing called life.

Hi, welcome to the Pen. I have a few minor changes you can consider:

A change in punctuation for S1 might clarify, dropping the ? to after "sad".

S2 got me thinking about the phases of the moon, how it's not bright on the darkest night. I think maybe a change to "Even on your darkest night." might avoid that.

I think you could expand S3 with more detail about how the moon or just the natural order of sun/moon can make the Narrator feel less alone.

Hope this helps a bit, thanks for posting.

Hello, 

Thank you so much for your input. I really like the idea of”even on your darkest night” I think I’ll use it. 
I’ll send an updated version soon!

[aaminarrh]

Do you? 

Do you ever wonder why
The sun sets and the moon shines?
But you stay the same
Never changing 
Always so dark and sad.

Do you ever think about how
The moon can be just as bright
Even on the darkest night.

Does it ever cross your mind
That maybe you’re not alone 
In this thing called life.

Hiiii!! 
First critique..
I feel like S1 and S2 is lacking depth in description. I can tell this poem is supposed to be very emotive, yet this symbolism/motif of the relationship of the sun and the moon doesn't hint towards anything descriptive that readers can relate to. This could be taken in two perspectives in my opinion, either the sun and the moon can reflect the distanced, disconnected relationship of these two individuals  -- or this could be symbolising this persons change in behaviour and humanity. 
There are a lot of descriptive words you can use to replace the use of 'dark', just because the poem is a bit simple and I believe you should use unique words to express and invoke those emotions to your audience.