The Divine Comedy

[Sullivan]

Hi,

Another lyrics/poem for my 2nd and last track of my upcoming single release tomorrow. I'm yet unsure I could post the AI song on it yet.


"The corridors of life
Under the sun or under the rain
Seem eternal to me
A feeling of sudden death

The corridors of life
Are true labyrinths
We manage to get through them so far
Despite the wine, the absinthe

Absinthe, absent
Hell of madness
They manage to get through them
The soulful fairies

The chimeras of life
Under the sun as in the rain
Seem infinite
A paranoid feeling

The corridors of life
Are true labyrinths
We manage to get through them so far
Despite the wine, the absence

Your fairy-like absence
Your soulful-like absence"

[Sullivan]

https://youtu.be/6QsshxD2Czs?si=gCmPr-ddBHM9xfqR

[Magpie]

Welcome to the critique forum. I know you state that these are lyrics for a song but I can only critique them as a poem. I understand you to be here to improve your lyrics for you your AI music, this site can be excellent for you to become a better poet and therefore a better songwriter as a whole. As Busker has mentioned in your other thread, it is very hard to critique a set of lyrics because it is an entirely separate form and it doesn't always follow the 'rules' of poetry in the sense of avoidance of redundancy and cliche. A lot of songs thrive on cliche and redundancy but there are some good songwriters who are good poets and who try not to waste any words, as a good poet would try to do.

I don't know enough (anything) about 'The Divine Comedy' to be able to comment on certain aspects of this poem, the reference to 'absinthe' seems odd unless it's in the book but then it's inclusion seems to be there to facilitate the play on words with absence/absent.

Anyway... as a poem...

"The corridors of life
Under the sun or under the rain ... as a poem I would say that there is a lot of unnecessary repetition here, also could 'under' be 'in' -- the line could simply be "in sun or rain"
Seem eternal to me
A feeling of sudden death -- you could say that this line is implied because of the above lines

The corridors of life
Are true labyrinths -- could this be said as 'life is a labyrinth' ?
We manage to get through them so far
Despite the wine, the absinthe

Absinthe, absent
Hell of madness
They manage to get through them
The soulful fairies   -- these two stanzas seem odd out of context, back to not knowing 'The Divine Comedy'

The chimeras of life
Under the sun as in the rain
Seem infinite
A paranoid feeling

The corridors of life
Are true labyrinths
We manage to get through them so far
Despite the wine, the absence

Your fairy-like absence
Your soulful-like absence"

I'm lost with a lot of it, but I suppose it's more about looking at it and working out how to make a better poem out of it. However the message or intent is unclear.

Use the site to learn about poetry and what makes a better poem, above I have left a couple of notes in places where it could be said that there is redundancy, look out for this in writing poetry. People don;t seem to mind in lyrics but if you apply the poetic technique to writing lyrics by eliminating redundancy then it gives you more space to say other things.

Glad you've chosen to take this journey of improving your songwriting by understanding poetry better. There are lots of good resources on this site on how to write good poetry. Critiquing others poetry really helps as well as it hones those skills that you need and this site thrives on reciprocation so the more you give out the more you'll get back.  

Thanks for sharing.

Here are a couple of threads I've found on lyrics on the site

https://www.pigpenpoetry.com/thread-15320.html

https://www.pigpenpoetry.com/thread-2568...ght=lyrics