The Fountain of Youth

[RiverNotch]

The Fountain of Youth


In Florida was this gift of God discovered
first by the peoples to whom the land was given
then by the peoples who through war and sickness

stole it: a drink which all those later founders
esteemed to grant them vigor, making them young
at heart and body, if not at mind and soul.

Rather, it proved the reverse. A single sip
and the vessel stays its course, gathering worms
while the crew is all replaced by mewling babes,

but how could the conqueror have learned all this
without experiment? Why should they trust
the word of beggared ghosts or beaten dogs?

And should a slave be risked to reach a state
for which the free repine? So thought the men
who first imbibed the fountain's blessed waters,

making immortal imbeciles of themselves:
a gloomy circle of gaunt and grey-haired figures
huddled around a pair of upturned gargoyles
that drool forever with divine revenge.

Another NaPM entry.

[dukealien]

The Fountain of Youth


In Florida was this gift of God discovered  inversions throughout - see below
first by the peoples to whom the land was given
then by the peoples who through war and sickness  repetition of "peoples" has some effect, but could one (or both) be a more specific term?

stole it: a drink which all those later founders  "later founders" is odd - the thieves put themselves forward as originators... "finders" perhaps?
esteemed to grant them vigor, making them young  
at heart and body, if not at mind and soul.  "young at heart" a cloven cliche - "in" would divide the cliche "...in body" further

Rather, it proved the reverse. A single sip
and the vessel stays its course, gathering worms  nice touch - tropical teredo worms
while the crew is all replaced by mewling babes,  hmmm... should they have waited until they were very old, and come out middle-aged?
 
but how could the conqueror have learned all this
without experiment? Why should they trust
the word of beggared ghosts or beaten dogs?  so the natives (here traduced) tried to warn them?

And should a slave be risked to reach a state
for which the free repine? So thought the men  equivalent to "try it on the dog"
who first imbibed the fountain's blessed waters,  "fountain's blessed waters" a nice alliteration.  

making immortal imbeciles of themselves:
a gloomy circle of gaunt and grey-haired figures
huddled around a pair of upturned gargoyles
that drool forever with divine revenge.  the images get good in this stanza, and I finally got over the expectation that the tale would concern
                                                            modern Floridians.  Or did it?

Another NaPM entry.

In mild critique, the sentence structure and word choice became a bit complicated and ornate, respectively, the former for form, the latter to suggest the era depicted in the story.    Both appropriate, evoking the so-called Age of Discovery and its high-flown prose.  And humorous, to boot.

It's interesting that this begins with the Fountain as God's gift when (in the movie) the Spanish destroy it, not so much as a work of the Devil as merely a distraction from faith.

There are some missing or backward links in the telling - for example, the implication that the natives tried to warn the conquistadors should come earlier, time-wise.  It's as if the teller is answering an obvious question (why didn't they try it on the dog first?) asked by a listener.  Plot armor that should have been introduced beforehand?

That the thieves were able to dispose of the aborigines with disease implies that the Fountain's water had no power over plague - or steel, for that matter.  Maybe this, or the whole business of stealing, is a poor fit with the rest of the tale, though it does provide a cause for revenge.

Overall, I'd suggest rethinking the disease issue - it's too real-history for the rest of the story and unnecessary.  Could hang the revenge motive on enslavement, which would also fatten up the try-it-on-a-slave episode.

Hope this is some help in editing.  It's a good story with embellishments, not all of which work together.