v2. Greenware

[alonso ramoran]

v2. edit thank you to dukealien, RiverNotch, wasellajam, and milo for feedback

Greenware


Deprived of contact, blessed be the cold
damp dark—an inner warmth has been renewed
before the setting heat and gentle hold

of humankind was felt and misconstrued
as knowledge of the self. I am no more
abandoned than the mourning I subdued,

so eager to be held again in lore
if I was broken that I shelved belief
in my past being as a distant shore.

Creation seeks creation in its grief
of memory beyond the fading mind.
Yet this slow deforming gives no relief

from raving at the gentle hand's unkind
forsaking of believers it designed.

v1. Greenware


Deprived of contact, blessed be the cold
damp dark---an inner warmth has been renewed
before the setting heat and gentle hold

of humankind was felt and misconstrued
as knowledge of the self. I am no more
abandoned than the grief that I subdued,

so eager to reverberate in lore
by my collapse that I could not conceive
my previous being as a distant shore.

Creation seeks creation, seeks to grieve
that memory beyond the fading mind.
Yet slow deforming offers no reprieve

from questioning the gentle hand's unkind
forsaking of believers it designed.

[dukealien]

Greenware


Deprived of contact, blessed be the cold
damp dark---an inner warmth has been renewed
before the setting heat and gentle hold  "hold" may not quite be the right word here, perhaps chosen for rhyme.

of humankind was felt and misconstrued
as knowledge of the self. I am no more    First sentence ending here:  interesting idea, does one know oneself from knowing others?
abandoned than the grief that I subdued,   a complex construction here, beginning with the suggestive "I am no more..." immediately redirected

so eager to reverberate in lore
by my collapse that I could not conceive   rather be dead than not famous?  Again, measuring self by others, an idea implicitly disdained
my previous being as a distant shore.  "previous" is more exact than "former," but must be slurred to fit the meter

Creation seeks creation, seeks to grieve  again, "grieve" is hard to interpret here as a transitive verb - perhaps chosen for rhyme
that memory beyond the fading mind.  
Yet slow deforming offers no reprieve  not quite the word here - excused from what duty or sentence?  
                                                          "relief" perhaps, with "belief" instead of "grieve?"

from questioning the gentle hand's unkind  okay, the final couplet makes sense
forsaking of believers it designed.  God (or the maker) lays aside His creation carelessly and (implied) unjustly.  Key word:  "believers."

In mild to moderate critique, I take this to be a meditation on the human condition , referring to the creation of Adam from clay ("greenware" when not yet fired).

The poem raises interesting points, but some of them seem a little obscured by the words chosen (one suspects) partly to rhyme.  It could be interpreted, crudely, as a complaint that one has been set aside, incomplete, with only others for direction on what to be and do.  And only gaining their interest and respect - entering the lore - gives a clue about whether one is doing it right.

I've probably not penetrated the full intent or message of the poem, but hope these few suggestions will help in making it clearer.  As it stands, it is nicely composed and pleasant to read.

[RiverNotch]

Greenware


Deprived of contact, blessed be the cold
damp dark---an inner warmth has been renewed Up to "damp dark" is a very full image.
before the setting heat and gentle hold Echoing the previous critique, "hold" doesn't feel quite right, but I have no idea what the possible alternatives could be, considering the form.

of humankind was felt and misconstrued
as knowledge of the self. I am no more First sentence: I get a similar thought as the previous critique. Here maybe it'd be useful to distinguish between knowledge, wisdom, and understanding, because somehow I do think to know others is to know oneself, just as one could be so stellar a student of Shakespeare yet so inept with their personal matters at the same time---that is, one could have much knowledge yet little wisdom. So maybe rather than "knowledge of the self", better to say something closer to "wisdom"? "and misconstrued / as judgement founded well"? "as wisdom practical"? You can probably think of something better.
abandoned than the grief that I subdued, "I am no more abandoned than the grief that I subdued" is so darn fresh.

so eager to reverberate in lore
by my collapse that I could not conceive Not quite getting the sense here. "so eager to reverberate in lore by my collapse"? "to reverberate in lore" makes sense to me, as in "to sound off much poetry" or "to be famous for my work", but not quite sure how it should relate to "my collapse", or even what "collapse" here actually means. The next line might be a hint---"previous being" referring to the earth, "collapse" thus referring to one passing back into the earth---but maybe "by my collapse" could be reworded, choosing sharper synonyms both for "by" and "collapse".
my previous being as a distant shore.

Creation seeks creation, seeks to grieve
that memory beyond the fading mind,
yet slow deforming offers no reprieve Slight repunctuation. Another stanza with a very stellar sense.

from questioning the gentle hand's unkind
forsaking of believers it designed. This feels a little incomplete, not in thought necessarily but in form. Usually terza rima ends with an ABAB quatrain, not an AA couplet, and everything else is so polished---the overall sentiment, too, is so full---that the sudden shift in form feels less like a deliberate choice and more like the author struggled to think up two extra lines. Hopefully you manage to "complete" this.

[wasellajam]

Hi, alonso, I've been reading this all week and it continues to confound me. I'm hoping attempting a critique will clarify it for me but I doubt it will help you much. As a Terza Rhyma Sonnet the form is well done, it reads well and has an obvious volta whether I understand it or not, some notes on my read:

Greenware


Deprived of contact, blessed be the cold
damp dark---an inner warmth has been renewed
before the setting heat and gentle hold
From the title and first lines I'm getting the initial forming of a vessel needing the firming of natural drying before being fired into permanence.

of humankind was felt and misconstrued
as knowledge of the self. I am no more
abandoned than the grief that I subdued,
I like that solidity is misconstrued as knowledge but have no idea who or what the Narrator is or how they subdued grief, maybe religion or a god.

so eager to reverberate in lore
by my collapse that I could not conceive
my previous being as a distant shore.
I can't make sense of "by my collapse", cannot figure out the rest, erosion? planetary stuff?

Creation seeks creation, seeks to grieve
that memory beyond the fading mind.
Yet slow deforming offers no reprieve

from questioning the gentle hand's unkind
forsaking of believers it designed.
God is dead? I'm still lost.

Nope, that didn't help. So while I can enjoy the language and technique I feel like it's a puzzle and I'm missing the starting clue. I'll read the previous critiques now, it maybe obvious to others, just not me.
Thanks for posting it, always fun to see someone working with the forms.

[milo]

Hi, alonso, I've been reading this all week and it continues to confound me. I'm hoping attempting a critique will clarify it for me but I doubt it will help you much. As a Terza Rhyma Sonnet the form is well done, it reads well and has an obvious volta whether I understand it or not, some notes on my read:

Greenware


Deprived of contact, blessed be the cold
damp dark---an inner warmth has been renewed
before the setting heat and gentle hold
From the title and first lines I'm getting the initial forming of a vessel needing the firming of natural drying before being fired into permanence.

of humankind was felt and misconstrued
as knowledge of the self. I am no more
abandoned than the grief that I subdued,
I like that solidity is misconstrued as knowledge but have no idea who or what the Narrator is or how they subdued grief, maybe religion or a god.

so eager to reverberate in lore
by my collapse that I could not conceive
my previous being as a distant shore.
I can't make sense of "by my collapse", cannot figure out the rest, erosion? planetary stuff?

Creation seeks creation, seeks to grieve
that memory beyond the fading mind.
Yet slow deforming offers no reprieve

from questioning the gentle hand's unkind
forsaking of believers it designed.
God is dead? I'm still lost.

Nope, that didn't help. So while I can enjoy the language and technique I feel like it's a puzzle and I'm missing the starting clue. I'll read the previous critiques now, it maybe obvious to others, just not me.
Thanks for posting it, always fun to see someone working with the forms.

I think the clue is in the "ware" part

Think of software, hardware, etc. . . .

Greenware - like a Gaia concept - I believe seeks to reimagine our existence as a "life producing mechanism"

Of course I could be completely way off base here . . .

[wasellajam]

Hi, alonso, I've been reading this all week and it continues to confound me. I'm hoping attempting a critique will clarify it for me but I doubt it will help you much. As a Terza Rhyma Sonnet the form is well done, it reads well and has an obvious volta whether I understand it or not, some notes on my read:

Greenware


Deprived of contact, blessed be the cold
damp dark---an inner warmth has been renewed
before the setting heat and gentle hold
From the title and first lines I'm getting the initial forming of a vessel needing the firming of natural drying before being fired into permanence.

of humankind was felt and misconstrued
as knowledge of the self. I am no more
abandoned than the grief that I subdued,
I like that solidity is misconstrued as knowledge but have no idea who or what the Narrator is or how they subdued grief, maybe religion or a god.

so eager to reverberate in lore
by my collapse that I could not conceive
my previous being as a distant shore.
I can't make sense of "by my collapse", cannot figure out the rest, erosion? planetary stuff?

Creation seeks creation, seeks to grieve
that memory beyond the fading mind.
Yet slow deforming offers no reprieve

from questioning the gentle hand's unkind
forsaking of believers it designed.
God is dead? I'm still lost.

Nope, that didn't help. So while I can enjoy the language and technique I feel like it's a puzzle and I'm missing the starting clue. I'll read the previous critiques now, it maybe obvious to others, just not me.
Thanks for posting it, always fun to see someone working with the forms.

I think the clue is in the "ware" part

Think of software, hardware, etc. . . .

Greenware - like a Gaia concept - I believe seeks to reimagine our existence as a "life producing mechanism"

Of course I could be completely way off base here . . .

ha, all I could think of other than pottery was compostable tableware, I'll try again, thanks

[alonso ramoran]

Thanks all for the feedback. Second draft is up. Just to clarify, greenware refers to unfired clay. I personally never knew it to refer to anything else.

[matsunosuperfan]

v2. edit thank you to dukealien, RiverNotch, wasellajam, and milo for feedback

Greenware


Deprived of contact, blessed be the cold
damp dark—an inner warmth has been renewed
before the setting heat and gentle hold

of humankind was felt and misconstrued
as knowledge of the self. I am no more
abandoned than the mourning I subdued,

so eager to be held again in lore
if I was broken that I shelved belief
in my past being as a distant shore.

Creation seeks creation in its grief
of memory beyond the fading mind.
Yet this slow deforming gives no relief

from raving at the gentle hand's unkind
forsaking of believers it designed.

v1. Greenware


Deprived of contact, blessed be the cold
damp dark---an inner warmth has been renewed
before the setting heat and gentle hold

of humankind was felt and misconstrued
as knowledge of the self. I am no more
abandoned than the grief that I subdued,

so eager to reverberate in lore
by my collapse that I could not conceive
my previous being as a distant shore.

Creation seeks creation, seeks to grieve
that memory beyond the fading mind.
Yet slow deforming offers no reprieve

from questioning the gentle hand's unkind
forsaking of believers it designed.

Friend, I can't pretend to find this voice effective--it feels quite arched and put-on! Must the speaker communicate through this affectation? The last sentence is a bit of a mouthful - in general, there's I think too much subordination (I am no more than the grief that I subdued... to reverberate in lore by my collapse that I could not conceive...). It's very easy to get lost in the middle of any of these sentences. I find the conceit unconvincing as well, probably in no small part because the arched voice makes it feel melodramatic, which only adds to the weight of disbelief I must suspend to engage with the poem's world (already we are being asked to believe the speaker is pottery, which strains the imagination immediately). It is kind of doing that thing where the text CLAIMS to speak from the perspective of the anthropomorphized object, but the declarations that follow all seem to be decidedly form the perspective of an outside human observer. In other words, I don't feel like these are the things pottery would say about itself, so the dream falls apart. 

I think you have a worthy idea but I don't think this is the right approach. Just give us some digestible sentences!   Try reading it as prose first: are you really satisfied with the phrase, "an inner warmth has been renewed before the setting heat and gentle hold of humankind was felt and misconstrued as knowledge of the self" ? I submit that this is almost incomprehensible.