There Are Less Butterflies Now

[sodatabbed]

I wish I had more memories of nature to draw upon
But there are less butterflies now
And it was too hot to go outside.
As a child, I chose
Binoculars and a microscope as my prize
For all those long days
Doing math problems indoors
With these instruments in my hands,
I looked about,
and realized I had nothing around me with which to make music.
I sat back down in my chair
And continued reading notes instead,
As my tongue prodded the gap in my gums,
Where a tooth used to be.

---

Hello everyone, this is my first time posting in the Pen (and in fact, my first presenting a poem to critique, period). I chose a smaller one to start out, and posted here in the Basic Critique Forum since I'm a beginner to all this, but please feel free to critique as thoroughly as you like if you have the time to spare! I'm eager to learn and improve.

[RiverNotch]

I wish I had more memories of nature to draw upon
But there are less butterflies now Maybe "Since" rather than "But".
And it was too hot to go outside.
As a child, I chose
Binoculars and a microscope as my prize
For all those long days
Doing math problems indoors Missing a period here.
With these instruments in my hands,
I looked about, Considering the last four lines, I suggest:

With these instruments in my hands,
I jumped up,
Looked about,

and realized I had nothing around me with which to make music. This line is too prosaic. Overlong, could be a more compelling image, and so on.
I sat back down in my chair
And continued reading notes instead,
As my tongue prodded the gap in my gums,
Where a tooth used to be. For those last four lines, I suggest:

I sat back down in my chair
And returned to my notes
While my tongue prodded
The gap in my gums
Where a tooth used to be.

Everything but that one too-prosaic line is pretty strong, I think, especially because it's so simple.

[JohnS]

I wish I had more memories of nature to draw upon
But there are less butterflies now 
And it was too hot to go outside.
As a child, I chose
Binoculars and a microscope as my prize
For all those long days
Doing math problems indoors
With these instruments in my hands,
I looked about,
and realized I had nothing around me with which to make music.
I sat back down in my chair
And continued reading notes instead,
As my tongue prodded the gap in my gums,
Where a tooth used to be.

---

Hello everyone, this is my first time posting in the Pen (and in fact, my first presenting a poem to critique, period). I chose a smaller one to start out, and posted here in the Basic Critique Forum since I'm a beginner to all this, but please feel free to critique as thoroughly as you like if you have the time to spare! I'm eager to learn and improve.

I believe it should be "fewer" butterflies. 
Capital letters at the beginning of each line (except one) is a bit confusing, although I realise this form is often used. 
I'm not too sure what the poem is expressing. The reference to fewer butterflies seems irrelevant, you could go from the first line to "but it was too hot etc...." Unless there is some significance I'm completely missing.
Seems to be a good poem in here but, to my simple mind, the meaning is obscure.
Write on!

[busker]

I wish I had more memories of nature to draw upon
But there are less butterflies now ... as JohnS says, it should be 'fewer'. Also holds true for the title.
And it was too hot to go outside.  ... the first three lines are excellent. In hindsight, 'it was too hot' sounds like a lost opportunity.
As a child, I chose
Binoculars and a microscope as my prize
For all those long days
Doing math problems indoors  ... I love how the child chose being outside as the prize for working hard indoors. I'm personally not a fan of the 'math problem' part as it has the whiff of maths bashing, but it works quite well for the poem. Maybe replacing 'math problems' with some form of 'homework' might make it more universal, at least for those that love maths. But that's just my personal preference.
With these instruments in my hands,
I looked about,
and realized I had nothing around me with which to make music.  ... I didn't understand this line. What does making music have to do with memories of nature?
I sat back down in my chair
And continued reading notes instead,
As my tongue prodded the gap in my gums,
Where a tooth used to be.  ... the last two lines are wonderful

---

Hello everyone, this is my first time posting in the Pen (and in fact, my first presenting a poem to critique, period). I chose a smaller one to start out, and posted here in the Basic Critique Forum since I'm a beginner to all this, but please feel free to critique as thoroughly as you like if you have the time to spare! I'm eager to learn and improve.

Hi Sodat - this is an excellent poem. Kudos.

[matsunosuperfan]

I wish I had more memories of nature to draw upon
But there are less butterflies now
And it was too hot to go outside.
As a child, I chose
Binoculars and a microscope as my prize
For all those long days
Doing math problems indoors
With these instruments in my hands,
I looked about,
and realized I had nothing around me with which to make music.
I sat back down in my chair
And continued reading notes instead,
As my tongue prodded the gap in my gums,
Where a tooth used to be.

By way of suggestion, I can't resist offering a liberal reconfiguration of your verse:

--
For all those long days doing math 
problems indoors, I chose binoculars
and a microscope. Even as a child, 

I knew the truth was far away and 
only visible transformed. Looking down
at my small hands holding these budding

instruments, I saw that I still had no way 
of making music, so I sat back in my chair
and kept at reading notes instead, while 

my tongue prodded the strange new gap
that bloomed between my gums. What wouldn't
I give for more fragments of nature to zoom

in on, capture in slides, translate as quarter 
notes, shape into song? But I stayed indoors,
where it was not too hot for butterflies. 
--

Just to show concept, of course   I admire the associative liberties our speaker is taking! It's nice to see a poem that isn't hogtied to linear narrative. That said, the poem is SHORT and the theme is not immediately obvious, all of which is fine but does put added pressure on the work to suggest a broader coherence. At present, this draft may leave readers with a little too much work to do putting meat on the bones - the risk is the poem ends up kind of feeling like a riddle or something that is evocative but frustratingly obscure.

Now maybe my little reworking here swings too far in the other direction - I basically just shoehorned some suggestive philosophy in there by way of random declaratives like "the truth is only visible when far away and transformed." But at least it solves the problem of the poem feeling a bit unmoored from sense and "meaning." Also think adding stanza breaks and more intentional shape immediately helps this poem have more appeal on the page (though I have also been playing with the "paragraph" form lately and do admire it in general, I think the disjoint stream of consciousness here benefits more from lineation - to me, this visually suggests that there will be gaps between images and gestures that need to be connected by implication). 

There are a number of really compelling images here - the association of butterflies with a certain kind of weather is weirdly specific and very provocative. Ditto the prodded gum / missing tooth. But what am I to DO with these interesting gestures? They don't seem to attach to or resonate directly with any of the other lines, so I'm left with a feeling that the speaker knows more than I do about their significance. That's fine, but I think you could give your reader just a little more to "go off of." 

The poem feels real and lived-in which is a great base to work from. It doesn't feel put on or artificial or derivative, so kudos for being original in your expression. For revision I would focus on holding the language to a higher standard, as some of it is a bit flat and could easily be made more musical or inventive, and developing a clearer focus on whatever you take the poem's subject to be. At present the occasion seems clear enough - reminiscing on childhood school days - but I feel pretty lost as to identifying the reason these things hold such significance for the speaker in this moment. What links butterflies and hot weather and science instruments and making music and loosing a tooth, for this speaker? We don't need to be told step-by-setp but perhaps the poem could offer us just a bit more connective tissue there, and in the process, become even more convincingly more than the sum of its parts.

(sorry if this is not "basic" critique, I kinda only know 1 way to crit which is at length)

[milo]

Hello

I am not sure whether it is intentional or not which is why I hesitate to comment but it is possibly brilliant in its faux-accidental affectations.  There is, obviously, the issue with L3 being indeterminate and then being answered by L4 directly afterward - the unfortunate or maybe fortunate happenstance of a time wobble through a child's diction.

I wouldn't recommend changing it either way.  It does a good job of not explaining - it presents things and expects the reader to understand and if they don't it dismisses them.

I am also unsure if it ends with a whistle but in my mind it does.

I have no suggestions, I like it as it is.

Thanks for posting

I wish I had more memories of nature to draw upon
But there are less butterflies now
And it was too hot to go outside.
As a child, I chose
Binoculars and a microscope as my prize
For all those long days
Doing math problems indoors
With these instruments in my hands,
I looked about,
and realized I had nothing around me with which to make music.
I sat back down in my chair
And continued reading notes instead,
As my tongue prodded the gap in my gums,
Where a tooth used to be.

---

Hello everyone, this is my first time posting in the Pen (and in fact, my first presenting a poem to critique, period). I chose a smaller one to start out, and posted here in the Basic Critique Forum since I'm a beginner to all this, but please feel free to critique as thoroughly as you like if you have the time to spare! I'm eager to learn and improve.