Easy on the Eyes

[Deor Ana Log]

my mama tells me 
under kitchens lights that
there is no empowerment in
desperation
in deprivation
there is no air in the ocean
no strength in breathing
in leaving just to 
be vacant
living is salvation

fear isn’t patient
it is the train
pulling into the station
the airplane you go in
when you are too young
to remember

it is the porch rays
in the aftermath of garden hose
to slippery to turn off
it blinks in the sunlight
repeating its last action until

there is breath
in the wind
like a lit match
blowing out
sometimes I try to catch smoke
heat is patient

living is salvation
so I live for skull eyes
and the autumns leaves
like snakes coiled
up in the wind
with eyes of moonlight

[matsunosuperfan]

my mama tells me 
under kitchens lights that
there is no empowerment in
desperation         good hook, good immediate development of stakes, setting is established without feeling too expository
in deprivation
there is no air in the ocean     this is great... 
no strength in breathing          ...and idk, this is just OK by comparison to me, feels a bit like anticlimax
in leaving just to 
be vacant
living is salvation      what a run! it's almost too much but that feels like the point. mama's philosophy is A LOT. 

fear isn’t patient
it is the train
pulling into the station
the airplane you go in
when you are too young
to remember            interesting. the declaratives are building with internal tension, a sense of threat develops

it is the porch rays       "porch rays" is a delightful noun packet
in the aftermath of garden hose  "aftermath" some really nice word choices here
to slippery to turn off        typo for "too slippery"? 
it blinks in the sunlight
repeating its last action until

there is breath
in the wind               badass enjambment
like a lit match
blowing out
sometimes I try to catch smoke
heat is patient         I really fux with the associative logic of this speaker, great stuff

living is salvation
so I live for skull eyes   this feels a bit clumsy, a bit de rigeur - "living is salvation, so" 
and the autumns leaves   cliche
like snakes coiled
up in the wind
with eyes of moonlight   beautiful image

This was a rewarding one to re-read, I got more out of it every time. I notice that "mama" kinda disappears after S1, becoming less and less of a presence by the end. This could be intentional but it feels a bit misleading given how the poem announces its ostensible project in the opening lines.


Might be productive to try having the speaker go somewhere more grounded for a moment in the midst of all these runs of playful syntax and shifting-sands ontology. Thanks for posting, this one has legs

[Deor Ana Log]

my mama tells me 
under kitchens lights that
there is no empowerment in
desperation         good hook, good immediate development of stakes, setting is established without feeling too expository
in deprivation
there is no air in the ocean     this is great... 
no strength in breathing          ...and idk, this is just OK by comparison to me, feels a bit like anticlimax
in leaving just to 
be vacant
living is salvation      what a run! it's almost too much but that feels like the point. mama's philosophy is A LOT. 

fear isn’t patient
it is the train
pulling into the station
the airplane you go in
when you are too young
to remember            interesting. the declaratives are building with internal tension, a sense of threat develops

it is the porch rays       "porch rays" is a delightful noun packet
in the aftermath of garden hose  "aftermath" some really nice word choices here
to slippery to turn off        typo for "too slippery"? 
it blinks in the sunlight
repeating its last action until

there is breath
in the wind               badass enjambment
like a lit match
blowing out
sometimes I try to catch smoke
heat is patient         I really fux with the associative logic of this speaker, great stuff

living is salvation
so I live for skull eyes   this feels a bit clumsy, a bit de rigeur - "living is salvation, so" 
and the autumns leaves   cliche
like snakes coiled
up in the wind
with eyes of moonlight   beautiful image

This was a rewarding one to re-read, I got more out of it every time. I notice that "mama" kinda disappears after S1, becoming less and less of a presence by the end. This could be intentional but it feels a bit misleading given how the poem announces its ostensible project in the opening lines.


Might be productive to try having the speaker go somewhere more grounded for a moment in the midst of all these runs of playful syntax and shifting-sands ontology. Thanks for posting, this one has legs

Thank you for your analysis and feeback, it means a lot to me!

---

my mama tells me 
under kitchens lights that
there is no empowerment in
desperation         good hook, good immediate development of stakes, setting is established without feeling too expository
in deprivation
there is no air in the ocean     this is great... 
no strength in breathing          ...and idk, this is just OK by comparison to me, feels a bit like anticlimax
in leaving just to 
be vacant
living is salvation      what a run! it's almost too much but that feels like the point. mama's philosophy is A LOT. 

fear isn’t patient
it is the train
pulling into the station
the airplane you go in
when you are too young
to remember            interesting. the declaratives are building with internal tension, a sense of threat develops

it is the porch rays       "porch rays" is a delightful noun packet
in the aftermath of garden hose  "aftermath" some really nice word choices here
to slippery to turn off        typo for "too slippery"? 
it blinks in the sunlight
repeating its last action until

there is breath
in the wind               badass enjambment
like a lit match
blowing out
sometimes I try to catch smoke
heat is patient         I really fux with the associative logic of this speaker, great stuff

living is salvation
so I live for skull eyes   this feels a bit clumsy, a bit de rigeur - "living is salvation, so" 
and the autumns leaves   cliche
like snakes coiled
up in the wind
with eyes of moonlight   beautiful image

This was a rewarding one to re-read, I got more out of it every time. I notice that "mama" kinda disappears after S1, becoming less and less of a presence by the end. This could be intentional but it feels a bit misleading given how the poem announces its ostensible project in the opening lines.


Might be productive to try having the speaker go somewhere more grounded for a moment in the midst of all these runs of playful syntax and shifting-sands ontology. Thanks for posting, this one has legs

Thank you for your analysis and feeback, it means a lot to me!

[busker]

Hi Ana - if your objective is to get feedback then I’d suggest writing in a normal font
Some of us access the site on our phones and what you’ve written is hard to see without zooming in and out

[HairyTwink III]

my mama tells me 
under kitchens lights that          strong scene setting
there is no empowerment in
desperation
in deprivation
there is no air in the ocean     these lines flow really well,
no strength in breathing       but I don't think I get how they are connected to rest of the verse
in leaving just to             
be vacant           lovely, but this feels like it should be just one line - in leaving just to be vacant - or maybe - in living / just to be vacant - if you want to keep the caesura. Idk, could also be good that it breaks up the rhythm for emphasis.

fear isn’t patient       refrain B -- hell yeah
it is the train
pulling into the station
the airplane you go in
when you are too young
to remember        this slaps. Great original imagery to convey the urgency of fear

it is the porch rays
in the aftermath of garden hose
to slippery to turn off     typo?
it blinks in the sunlight
repeating its last action until

there is breath
in the wind
like a lit match
blowing out
sometimes I try to catch smoke
heat is patient             again, really like the 2 refrain structure. Maybe there is some connective tissue missing between the two concepts ("living is salvation" and "[...] is/isn't patient") though? Almost feels like two different poems.

living is salvation
so I live for skull eyes            skull eyes? So... eyes? i can't decide if I think it's good funny or bad funny. a less weird (maybe more boring) phrasing might be something like -- so I live for the sight / of the autumn leaves -- I get that skull eyes and eyes of moonlight go together but it still made me chuckle.
and the autumns leaves           cliché, but I like it in this context. The speaker's salvation is in the mundane/everyday clichéd beauty of the world -- in the living itself
like snakes coiled
up in the wind
with eyes of moonlight

Lovely structure and great flow. My only major critique is that the middle stanzas feel slightly disconnected from the beginning & end.

[alonso ramoran]

Hi Deor,

Not sure why there are duplicates in the forum, but, seeing that this one has more traffic, I'll add my two cents here.

my mama tells me 
under kitchens lights that
there is no empowerment in
desperation
in deprivation
there is no air in the ocean this line could be omitted
no strength in breathing
in leaving just to 
be vacant 
living is salvation

fear isn’t patient
it is the train
pulling into the station
the airplane you go in
when you are too young
to remember this seems too vague for an explanation of something as abstract as fear's impatience. i need something shocking here, a specific detail about these places, especially if this in any way preludes the point in the conversation that the reader is dropped into in the first stanza

it is the porch rays
in the aftermath of garden hose
to slippery to turn off
it blinks in the sunlight i think the speaker is wanting to refer to the water from the hose, but the "it" kinda misdirects the reader to think the speaker refers to the hose instead
repeating its last action until

there is breath
in the wind
like a lit match i think the issue with the garden hose image kinda repeats itself here. breath like a blown match is a reach. the speaker may have meant the smoke, which i think is what they tried to evoke in the next line but it is muddled by another action
blowing out
sometimes I try to catch smoke
heat is patient interesting, but will be more convincing after the similes are drafted more clearly

living is salvation
so I live for skull eyes skulls don't really have eyes; they have orbits, or sockets. so this construction does not work, imo
and the autumns leaves
like snakes coiled
up in the wind this line comes close to repeating s4l2, and without clear intention
with eyes of moonlight

Thank you for sharing!

[Deor Ana Log]

Hi Deor,

Not sure why there are duplicates in the forum, but, seeing that this one has more traffic, I'll add my two cents here.

my mama tells me 
under kitchens lights that
there is no empowerment in
desperation
in deprivation
there is no air in the ocean this line could be omitted
no strength in breathing
in leaving just to 
be vacant 
living is salvation

fear isn’t patient
it is the train
pulling into the station
the airplane you go in
when you are too young
to remember this seems too vague for an explanation of something as abstract as fear's impatience. i need something shocking here, a specific detail about these places, especially if this in any way preludes the point in the conversation that the reader is dropped into in the first stanza

it is the porch rays
in the aftermath of garden hose
to slippery to turn off
it blinks in the sunlight i think the speaker is wanting to refer to the water from the hose, but the "it" kinda misdirects the reader to think the speaker refers to the hose instead
repeating its last action until

there is breath
in the wind
like a lit match i think the issue with the garden hose image kinda repeats itself here. breath like a blown match is a reach. the speaker may have meant the smoke, which i think is what they tried to evoke in the next line but it is muddled by another action
blowing out
sometimes I try to catch smoke
heat is patient interesting, but will be more convincing after the similes are drafted more clearly

living is salvation
so I live for skull eyes skulls don't really have eyes; they have orbits, or sockets. so this construction does not work, imo
and the autumns leaves
like snakes coiled
up in the wind this line comes close to repeating s4l2, and without clear intention
with eyes of moonlight

Thank you for sharing!

thank so much for the feedback alonso, I will 100% use it in my next revision!