Sea, Swallow me

[piscui]

Sea, swallow me

sea, swallow me
embrace me, hug me tight
dont bring me back to the shore
this time
ill forget how to swim

nonetheless ill be choking
with the volume of the things
i never say
and crushed
by the weight of the things
i do not do

[Bunx]

This hits real hard. I feel like with a poem like this it is good to know what kind of critique you're looking for. With the lack of proper structure, and capitalization you're going for an expressive approach which I think works very well in this poem. The last line ropes me in "do not do". I wonder is the narrator out at sea while thinking this poem? "Do not do" alludes to present tense, they are actively choosing not / forced not too do the things. I love the length of the poem, and the tone. Using "things" twice creates mystery you could change the first "things" to "words" to keep it vague if intended.

Part of me thinks that changing the first "do" to "did" in the last stanza would make it read like "sailors regret" or maybe pirates lol.

Thanks for the read and welcome to the site

[piscui]

This hits real hard. I feel like with a poem like this it is good to know what kind of critique you're looking for. With the lack of proper structure, and capitalization you going for an expressive approach which I think works very well in this poem. The last line is ropes me in "do not do". I wonder is the narrator out at sea while thinking this poem? "Do not do" alludes to present tense, they are actively choosing not / forced not too do the things. I love the length of the poem, and the tone. Using "things" twice creates mystery you could change the first "things" to "words" to keep it vague if intended.

Part of me thinks that changing the first "do" to "did" in the last stanza would make it read like "sailors regret" or maybe pirates lol.

Thanks for the read and welcome to the site

actually love the feedback, thx! changing "things" to "words" definitely makes it better

[busker]

Sea, swallow me

sea, swallow me
embrace me, hug me tight
dont bring me back to the shore
this time
ill forget how to swim

nonetheless ill be choking
with the volume of the things
i never say
and crushed
by the weight of the things
i do not do

I liked this poem.
Some suggested edit

[wasellajam]

Hi, welcome to the Pen. Effective poem, you might consider a slight trim.

Sea, swallow me

sea, swallow me
embrace me, hug me tight
dont bring me back to the shore
this time
ill forget how to swim Have you thought about the subtle change in meaning if you drop "how"?

nonetheless ill be choking This line might be stronger as just "choking",
with the volume of the things
i never say
and crushed
by the weight of the things
i do not do

Just a few things to think about. Here at the Pen even when we don't do we try at least to say.
Thanks for the read. Happy to have you here, check your PMs