A ballad

[Luckieman]

Trial by Water

'You tell me all your roving years
you've had no love but me.
Look, then, on this mirror lake,
and tell me what you see.'
'I see but my own face, my dear,
green branches, empty skies...'
'Nought else?
Why then these trembling hands,
that dead light in your eyes?'
'Ophelia, Ophelia...'
the wild bird taunting cries.

[Deor Ana Log]

Trial by Water

'You tell me all your roving years 'roving' fits well in your opening line
you've had no love but me.
Look, then, on this mirror lake, expand on this concept more
and tell me what you see.'
'I see but my own face, my dear,
green branches, empty skies...'
'Nought else? 
Why then these trembling hands,
that dead light in your eyes?'
'Ophelia, Ophelia...' is this is reference to the hamlet?
the wild bird taunting cries.

A great start but I would love to see another stanza or two. Right now I don't feel there is enough substance to fully critique. Can't wait to see where this goes, thanks for sharing! -Deor Ana Log

[Luckieman]

Trial by Water

'You tell me all your roving years 'roving' fits well in your opening line
you've had no love but me.
Look, then, on this mirror lake, expand on this concept more
and tell me what you see.'
'I see but my own face, my dear,
green branches, empty skies...'
'Nought else? 
Why then these trembling hands,
that dead light in your eyes?'
'Ophelia, Ophelia...' is this is reference to the hamlet?
the wild bird taunting cries.

A great start but I would love to see another stanza or two. Right now I don't feel there is enough substance to fully critique. Can't wait to see where this goes, thanks for sharing! -Deor Ana Log

Thanks for commenting.

Look, then, on this mirror lake, expand on this concept more 
 the title says it - trial by water. This time instead of the lady being thrown in to sink or swim, the bloke is just made to look on it, but the result is much more revealing. I was alway taught never to explain what can be implied.

'Ophelia, Ophelia...' is this is reference to the hamlet? 
  yes, she drowned, and this is probably what he saw when he looked into the water. Once again, never to explain what can be implied.

That's where I came from anyway, but maybe it doesn't come across?

[matsunosuperfan]

Trial by Water

'You tell me all your roving years
you've had no love but me.
Look, then, on this mirror lake,
and tell me what you see.'
'I see but my own face, my dear,
green branches, empty skies...'
'Nought else?
Why then these trembling hands,
that dead light in your eyes?'
'Ophelia, Ophelia...'
the wild bird taunting cries.

The meter is irreproachable. A very smooth surface. I was not moved by the narrative. It all feels too considered. The first four lines establish a voice that rings cold and logical, and the poem's attempt to soar into heights of emotion in the final quatrain feels unearned.