DeOrAnalog hey!

[CRNDLSM]

Will you please critique this poem?  I'd like to talk about critiquing a bit with you


Haunted


Deadbolt the doors, the killer is coming.
Not that it matters, soon they'll all be dead.
Break-in the window while thunder's drumming,
no time to dodge a sharp blow to the head.
Quiet, but air conditioning's humming...
one more minute and the killer has fled.

Once the dawn broke, the neighbor went inside.
'Dead on the doormat,' describing the scene,
'Quite horrific, she was so young!' she cried
not too dramatic for this gossip queen.
No evidence treachery was implied,
breaks in this case were completely wiped clean.

Braking hard, roads wet, the Cadillac swerved 
one second too late for a head-on crash.
No trace was left, even the money burned.
Dead, the killer was now one with his cash.
Nodding together, detectives discerned
quite incriminating facts from the trash.

Quiet so as not to scare him away,
break-ups a motive, the boyfriend was rough.
Not that an ex-con is prone to foul play,
one only hopes they'd avoid more handcuffs.
'Dead inside, dead to the world,' he would say,
'No way I ever could have done that stuff!'

Knowing full well he hired the assassin,
quite well aware he could go to prison.
Dead-ended life, the price for his passion.
Breaks won't come easy, he's unforgiven,
wondering who'll care, head-strong, he fastens
knots in the string, his silent admission.

Not that it matters, since everyone died.
Notice the neighbor who made the first call?
One by one, all of the lovers she spied.
Quite content when she saw the bloody sprawl.
'Break moral laws, whores are the Devil's bride.
Dead's where they belong, to hell with them all!'

Deadly poison braking free, shes taunted
by quiet naughty influence undaunted.
No one's suggested, the house was haunted,

[Deor Ana Log]

Will you please critique this poem?  I'd like to talk about critiquing a bit with you


Haunted


Deadbolt the doors, the killer is coming.
Not that it matters, soon they'll all be dead.
Break-in the window while thunder's drumming,
no time to dodge a sharp blow to the head.
Quiet, but air conditioning's humming...
one more minute and the killer has fled.

Once the dawn broke, the neighbor went inside.
'Dead on the doormat,' describing the scene,
'Quite horrific, she was so young!' she cried
not too dramatic for this gossip queen.
No evidence treachery was implied,
breaks in this case were completely wiped clean.

Braking hard, roads wet, the Cadillac swerved 
one second too late for a head-on crash.
No trace was left, even the money burned.
Dead, the killer was now one with his cash.
Nodding together, detectives discerned
quite incriminating facts from the trash.

Quiet so as not to scare him away,
break-ups a motive, the boyfriend was rough.
Not that an ex-con is prone to foul play,
one only hopes they'd avoid more handcuffs.
'Dead inside, dead to the world,' he would say,
'No way I ever could have done that stuff!'

Knowing full well he hired the assassin,
quite well aware he could go to prison.
Dead-ended life, the price for his passion.
Breaks won't come easy, he's unforgiven,
wondering who'll care, head-strong, he fastens
knots in the string, his silent admission.

Not that it matters, since everyone died.
Notice the neighbor who made the first call?
One by one, all of the lovers she spied.
Quite content when she saw the bloody sprawl.
'Break moral laws, whores are the Devil's bride.
Dead's where they belong, to hell with them all!'

Deadly poison braking free, shes taunted
by quiet naughty influence undaunted.
No one's suggested, the house was haunted,

I am honored to be ask this specificly! Yes I will give line by line feedback, but it will take time.

[Deor Ana Log]

Will you please critique this poem?  I'd like to talk about critiquing a bit with you


Haunted


Deadbolt the doors, the killer is coming. a line that draws me into this horror movie vibe
Not that it matters, soon they'll all be dead. describe the subject (or subjects) in question here
Break-in the window while thunder's drumming, 'thunder drums' here is more immediate
no time to dodge a sharp blow to the head. this rhyme is extremely formulaic
Quiet, but air conditioning's humming... use a word other than 'but'; 'save for' is an example
one more minute and the killer has fled. consider a line break here after the word 'and'

Once the dawn broke, the neighbor went inside. change 'the' to 'their', and describe dawn instead of stating it
'Dead on the doormat,' describing the scene, anything but the word 'describe'!!!!!!!! - trust the words to speak for itself
'Quite horrific, she was so young!' she cried name drop people (even if they are fake) here, not just he and she
not too dramatic for this gossip queen. this implies a school age girl, but is should be clear if this detail is included
No evidence treachery was implied, the slant rhyme works well, but again: show don't tell with your words
breaks in this case were completely wiped clean. aim to minimize the amount of syllables, to make this a consise last line

Braking hard, roads wet, the Cadillac swerved great specificity here, though a clear timeline would help the audience follow the story
one second too late for a head-on crash. 'one second' comes back here; is that intentional? nonetheless it works
No trace was left, even the money burned. add a comma after 'money' or break 'burned into the next line
Dead, the killer was now one with his cash. I see what you are trying to do here, but 'cash' seems too informal in this context
Nodding together, detectives discerned take away the last word, as we should already understand what the detectives are doing based on their actions
quite incriminating facts from the trash. the cash/trash rhyme not only doesn't sound good, it is also is predictable to a fault

Quiet so as not to scare him away, a line break anywhere on this line would work well
break-ups a motive, the boyfriend was rough. describe the boyfriend in a way where we can understand his rough personality
Not that an ex-con is prone to foul play, 'ex-con' as a piece of language doesn't fit in this poem
one only hopes they'd avoid more handcuffs. great job illustrating arrest by mentioning handcuffs - do more of this in your writing
'Dead inside, dead to the world,' he would say, make it present tense so the audience is there in the moment
'No way I ever could have done that stuff!' 'that stuff' is general and need to be elaborated on

Knowing full well he hired the assassin, replace 'the' with 'an' - alliteration + specificity
quite well aware he could go to prison. just say he was aware, not 'quite well' aware
Dead-ended life, the price for his passion. this is a hidden gem, and possibly the thesis of the piece
Breaks won't come easy, he's unforgiven, I like how there is no line break, and multiple commas in here
wondering who'll care, head-strong, he fastens pace quickens here, beat-beat-beat which is very effective
knots in the string, his silent admission. I quite enjoy this slant rhyme, though reworking the adjective is needed

Not that it matters, since everyone died. a pretty blunt statment. It would work if the audience knew who "everyone" was
Notice the neighbor who made the first call? there is a killer line break after the word 'neighbor', because of the multiple meanings
One by one, all of the lovers she spied. spied (on)? and 'one by one' is quite cliche
Quite content when she saw the bloody sprawl. be specific about when she saw this sprawl
'Break moral laws, whores are the Devil's bride. did she say these two lines?
Dead's where they belong, to hell with them all!' The audience is given tonal whiplash, going from melancholic to seething immediately

Deadly poison braking free, shes taunted amazing line break right here
by quiet naughty influence undaunted. choose one of the three last words
No one's suggested, the house was haunted, Ending on a comma is unique and leaves a lasting impression

This is clean cut 4/10 for me. There is a lot of room to improve in the writing. The cliche rhymes and showing not telling in particular. I look forward to future revisions. Thank you for sharing - Deor Ana Log

[CRNDLSM]

Will you please critique this poem?  I'd like to talk about critiquing a bit with you


Haunted


Deadbolt the doors, the killer is coming. a line that draws me into this horror movie vibe
Not that it matters, soon they'll all be dead. describe the subject (or subjects) in question here
Break-in the window while thunder's drumming, 'thunder drums' here is more immediate
no time to dodge a sharp blow to the head. this rhyme is extremely formulaic
Quiet, but air conditioning's humming... use a word other than 'but'; 'save for' is an example
one more minute and the killer has fled. consider a line break here after the word 'and'

Once the dawn broke, the neighbor went inside. change 'the' to 'their', and describe dawn instead of stating it
'Dead on the doormat,' describing the scene, anything but the word 'describe'!!!!!!!! - trust the words to speak for itself
'Quite horrific, she was so young!' she cried name drop people (even if they are fake) here, not just he and she
not too dramatic for this gossip queen. this implies a school age girl, but is should be clear if this detail is included
No evidence treachery was implied, the slant rhyme works well, but again: show don't tell with your words
breaks in this case were completely wiped clean. aim to minimize the amount of syllables, to make this a consise last line

Braking hard, roads wet, the Cadillac swerved great specificity here, though a clear timeline would help the audience follow the story
one second too late for a head-on crash. 'one second' comes back here; is that intentional? nonetheless it works
No trace was left, even the money burned. add a comma after 'money' or break 'burned into the next line
Dead, the killer was now one with his cash. I see what you are trying to do here, but 'cash' seems too informal in this context
Nodding together, detectives discerned take away the last word, as we should already understand what the detectives are doing based on their actions
quite incriminating facts from the trash. the cash/trash rhyme not only doesn't sound good, it is also is predictable to a fault

Quiet so as not to scare him away, a line break anywhere on this line would work well
break-ups a motive, the boyfriend was rough. describe the boyfriend in a way where we can understand his rough personality
Not that an ex-con is prone to foul play, 'ex-con' as a piece of language doesn't fit in this poem
one only hopes they'd avoid more handcuffs. great job illustrating arrest by mentioning handcuffs - do more of this in your writing
'Dead inside, dead to the world,' he would say, make it present tense so the audience is there in the moment
'No way I ever could have done that stuff!' 'that stuff' is general and need to be elaborated on

Knowing full well he hired the assassin, replace 'the' with 'an' - alliteration + specificity
quite well aware he could go to prison. just say he was aware, not 'quite well' aware
Dead-ended life, the price for his passion. this is a hidden gem, and possibly the thesis of the piece
Breaks won't come easy, he's unforgiven, I like how there is no line break, and multiple commas in here
wondering who'll care, head-strong, he fastens pace quickens here, beat-beat-beat which is very effective
knots in the string, his silent admission. I quite enjoy this slant rhyme, though reworking the adjective is needed

Not that it matters, since everyone died. a pretty blunt statment. It would work if the audience knew who "everyone" was
Notice the neighbor who made the first call? there is a killer line break after the word 'neighbor', because of the multiple meanings
One by one, all of the lovers she spied. spied (on)? and 'one by one' is quite cliche
Quite content when she saw the bloody sprawl. be specific about when she saw this sprawl
'Break moral laws, whores are the Devil's bride. did she say these two lines?
Dead's where they belong, to hell with them all!' The audience is given tonal whiplash, going from melancholic to seething immediately

Deadly poison braking free, shes taunted amazing line break right here
by quiet naughty influence undaunted. choose one of the three last words
No one's suggested, the house was haunted, Ending on a comma is unique and leaves a lasting impression

This is clean cut 4/10 for me. There is a lot of room to improve in the writing. The cliche rhymes and showing not telling in particular. I look forward to future revisions. Thank you for sharing - Deor Ana Log

Thank you so much for the honest thorough review.

Firstly, I wouldn't use a rating system at all, it sort of discredits you right off the bat by presuming to know a 10/10.  Granted I've seen chatgpt do the same thing,

Secondly, consider the voice of the writer, it's true 'show don't tell' so what am I trying to show you?
You noticed the rhymes, but those distracted you from the syllable count and repeat of each first word.  As a sestina, this one definitely falls flat, but constrained by the form, could it actually be improved?  Maybe a more consistent meter to give the rhymes punch? Could it still a tell a story?

I recommend a line by line really for first impressions, sometimes it becomes clutter, so highlighting problem areas and nice areas becomes easier to point out.  This poem isn't trying to be deep, so a thick analysis wouldn't be necessary, but when you do critique, try to keep in mind that it is an exchange where both parties can learn something.  What are they trying to show you, what could they do to make that clearer? Sometimes a second reading changes those first impressions

Obviously we all have our own voices both in poetry and critique, and I appreciate you using this time to improve your own skills in both areas.  I highly recommend the poetry practice exercises, learning the forms is a way to learn to control your words.

I'm no expert at this, so I appreciate any feedback I'm given, some of what you said is dead on

---

Would you be willing to do another?  Feel free anyone to join this conversation 


Muero

Holy for Lia means full of holes
She fragments to fill them and find her role
Doesn't believe in love much less her soul
Holy for Lia means folding scrolls
Creating a symbol of what they stole
Masochistic binges when vengeance is personal

Oh muero Porque no muero
Que muero Porque no muero

Crazy for Lia means holding coals
Squirming determined to earn control
The scars on her arms are taking their toll
Dreaming for Lia means setting goals
Pride in disguising her inner mole
Doesn't believe that this will be her burial

Oh muero porque no muero
Que muero porque no muero

Crazy for mia means craving nails
Something to stab her when painting fails
Seeking independence in a safety rail
Dreaming for mia means setting sails
Balance adventure on sacred scales
Better to leave this world than ever let it stale

[busker]

This is a good exercise, crndl

To your point about the line by line, I agree.
Most line by line crits aren’t really going to focus on every line. If you’re trying to focus on every line then you’re just spouting garbage.

Take this, for instance:

Quiet, but air conditioning's humming... use a word other than 'but'; 'save for' is an example

Is being unnecessarily pedantic. Not everything is worth commenting on.

So the message for DeorAna, I think, would be not to try too hard to critique or write.
Two crits a week are about enough. And he should practice in the poetry practice threads.

[CRNDLSM]

This is a good exercise,

This is a useless exercise 

 I can hit all the buttons at once

[busker]

This is a good exercise,

This is a useless exercise 

 I can hit all the buttons at once

No, the second “exercise” was feedback for  Deor’s crit
Your effort is instructive 

I’ll change the words to avoid confusion

Sorry about that