Crown Royal

[Harryd]

I had a conversation
with the stars tonight,
once I was
deep
into my bottle of Crown.

I tried to tell them
about how your
bottomless, carefree eyes
were velvet, I tried
to explain
the perfection of every
single eyelash and the
occaisional
dimple -

"she's so beautiful"
I told them, but they merely
replied that you
were just so many more
riddled cliches'
not worth their time
at all

I told them how your voice
was the burn of
Crown Royal over my tongue,
how the twitch of your hips
sang of lust
- seduction - beauty -

they said it wasn't anything
they hadn't heard before

I tried to explain to them
that you were my Cosmic Girl,
my Lunar baby -
I told them how you
kissed me
and it made everything okay

(most of the time).

It was the "most of the time"
that caught their
attention
actually -
they had been ready to
change the subject
when I said that, and
they wondered at what
I meant;

I groped for words to
tell them
of the pain you
accidentally cause, and make
excuses for -

I struggled to explain
about how you didn't
really
know me
that all we had was
lust and laughter -

The stars were silent
for a minute, and then
they told me...
that, that was all
anyone could ever ask for
in life...

They wouldn't speak to me
for the remainder of the night,
no matter how loudly
I screamed.
HD

[CRNDLSM]

Was your interest in writing poetry a sudden result of the breakup? I find it interesting to want to share so much in a public forum full of strangers just out of nowhere, id be more inclined to talk about the poems but if you're not interested in discussing other people's poetry here then you might not really get much engagement, eventually it might look like spam, but you're tagging your work too with your initials, suggesting your not A.I. but interested in developing a 'name' for yourself, so I'd recommend boosting a few other poems in this forum before adding more of your own. Not that there are rules against it here specifically, just wanting to encourage the craft

[Harryd]

Was your interest in writing poetry a sudden result of the breakup? I find it interesting to want to share so much in a public forum full of strangers just out of nowhere, id be more inclined to talk about the poems but if you're not interested in discussing other people's poetry here then you might not really get much engagement, eventually it might look like spam, but you're tagging your work too with your initials, suggesting your not A.I. but interested in developing a 'name' for yourself, so I'd recommend boosting a few other poems in this forum before adding more of your own.  Not that there are rules against it here specifically, just wanting to encourage the craft

Im not here any specific reason. I just enjoy writing and it helps me.
Thanks for your input. Sorry if I sound like AI.

[CRNDLSM]

Im not here any specific reason. I just enjoy writing and it helps me.
I guess I don't understand how writing helps anyone, i need people to read and understand my writing in order to help me with what I'm dealing with, I also mostly just like words for fun, but I figure people want me to read their work to understand them and better help them
Thanks for your input. Sorry if I sound like AI.
I don't actually know what AI sounds like, I don't use it consiously, for all I know you are still AI, what is internet, anyways there's lots of discussion forums here on the subject, no worries!

[matsunosuperfan]

I had a conversation
with the stars tonight,
once I was
deep
into my bottle of Crown.

I tried to tell them
about how your
bottomless, carefree eyes
were velvet, I tried
to explain
the perfection of every
single eyelash and the
occaisional
dimple -

"she's so beautiful"
I told them, but they merely
replied that you
were just so many more
riddled cliches'
not worth their time
at all

I told them how your voice
was the burn of
Crown Royal over my tongue,
how the twitch of your hips
sang of lust
- seduction - beauty -

they said it wasn't anything
they hadn't heard before

I tried to explain to them
that you were my Cosmic Girl,
my Lunar baby -
I told them how you
kissed me
and it made everything okay

(most of the time).

It was the "most of the time"
that caught their
attention
actually -
they had been ready to
change the subject
when I said that, and
they wondered at what
I meant;

I groped for words to
tell them
of the pain you
accidentally cause, and make
excuses for -

I struggled to explain
about how you didn't
really
know me
that all we had was
lust and laughter -

The stars were silent
for a minute, and then
they told me...
that, that was all
anyone could ever ask for
in life...

They wouldn't speak to me
for the remainder of the night,
no matter how loudly
I screamed.
HD

Very uneven. Tries to do too much with irony and often ends up just feeling like weak apologetics ("If I say something about cliche, it makes it OK to use a bunch of cliches")

Poem is partly "we are so clever" but then seems to betray the speaker's genuine investment in garden variety self-pity and hackneyed "fiery affair" tropes. So the efforts at cleverness are ultimately unconvincing.

First stanza maybe the best, simple and feels real. Good rhythm. Evocative image and convincing vernacular l

S2-4 very hard to stay interested. Ready to tune out by end of S4. Speaker has convinced me I don't want to put my fate in their hands. They will say something boring and irritating like "the twitch of your hips sang with lust."

The "most of the time" digression is another highlight, though. Whenever the speaker becomes more conversational and less woebegone confessional, I get more interested. Maybe follow that energy and ditch some of the more melodramatic whiny bits.

[Harryd]

I had a conversation
with the stars tonight,
once I was
deep
into my bottle of Crown.

I tried to tell them
about how your
bottomless, carefree eyes
were velvet, I tried
to explain
the perfection of every
single eyelash and the
occaisional
dimple -

"she's so beautiful"
I told them, but they merely
replied that you
were just so many more
riddled cliches'
not worth their time
at all

I told them how your voice
was the burn of
Crown Royal over my tongue,
how the twitch of your hips
sang of lust
- seduction - beauty -

they said it wasn't anything
they hadn't heard before

I tried to explain to them
that you were my Cosmic Girl,
my Lunar baby -
I told them how you
kissed me
and it made everything okay

(most of the time).

It was the "most of the time"
that caught their
attention
actually -
they had been ready to
change the subject
when I said that, and
they wondered at what
I meant;

I groped for words to
tell them
of the pain you
accidentally cause, and make
excuses for -

I struggled to explain
about how you didn't
really
know me
that all we had was
lust and laughter -

The stars were silent
for a minute, and then
they told me...
that, that was all
anyone could ever ask for
in life...

They wouldn't speak to me
for the remainder of the night,
no matter how loudly
I screamed.
HD

Very uneven. Tries to do too much with irony and often ends up just feeling like weak apologetics ("If I say something about cliche, it makes it OK to use a bunch of cliches")

Poem is partly "we are so clever" but then seems to betray the speaker's genuine investment in garden variety self-pity and hackneyed "fiery affair" tropes. So the efforts at cleverness are ultimately unconvincing.

First stanza maybe the best, simple and feels real. Good rhythm. Evocative image and convincing vernacular l

S2-4 very hard to stay interested. Ready to tune out by end of S4. Speaker has convinced me I don't want to put my fate in their hands. They will say something boring and irritating like "the twitch of your hips sang with lust."

The "most of the time" digression is another highlight, though. Whenever the speaker becomes more conversational and less woebegone confessional, I get more interested. Maybe follow that energy and ditch some of the more melodramatic whiny bits.

Appreciate it, but this is just me and my thoughts, slightly intoxicated

[matsunosuperfan]

I had a conversation
with the stars tonight,
once I was
deep
into my bottle of Crown.

I tried to tell them
about how your
bottomless, carefree eyes
were velvet, I tried
to explain
the perfection of every
single eyelash and the
occaisional
dimple -

"she's so beautiful"
I told them, but they merely
replied that you
were just so many more
riddled cliches'
not worth their time
at all

I told them how your voice
was the burn of
Crown Royal over my tongue,
how the twitch of your hips
sang of lust
- seduction - beauty -

they said it wasn't anything
they hadn't heard before

I tried to explain to them
that you were my Cosmic Girl,
my Lunar baby -
I told them how you
kissed me
and it made everything okay

(most of the time).

It was the "most of the time"
that caught their
attention
actually -
they had been ready to
change the subject
when I said that, and
they wondered at what
I meant;

I groped for words to
tell them
of the pain you
accidentally cause, and make
excuses for -

I struggled to explain
about how you didn't
really
know me
that all we had was
lust and laughter -

The stars were silent
for a minute, and then
they told me...
that, that was all
anyone could ever ask for
in life...

They wouldn't speak to me
for the remainder of the night,
no matter how loudly
I screamed.
HD

Very uneven. Tries to do too much with irony and often ends up just feeling like weak apologetics ("If I say something about cliche, it makes it OK to use a bunch of cliches")

Poem is partly "we are so clever" but then seems to betray the speaker's genuine investment in garden variety self-pity and hackneyed "fiery affair" tropes. So the efforts at cleverness are ultimately unconvincing.

First stanza maybe the best, simple and feels real. Good rhythm. Evocative image and convincing vernacular l

S2-4 very hard to stay interested. Ready to tune out by end of S4. Speaker has convinced me I don't want to put my fate in their hands. They will say something boring and irritating like "the twitch of your hips sang with lust."

The "most of the time" digression is another highlight, though. Whenever the speaker becomes more conversational and less woebegone confessional, I get more interested. Maybe follow that energy and ditch some of the more melodramatic whiny bits.

Appreciate it, but this is just me and my thoughts, slightly intoxicated

Not sure how to receive this comment. Should I not bother investing time in offering critique on your poems? Are you just posting here to vent?

[busker]

Very uneven. Tries to do too much with irony and often ends up just feeling like weak apologetics ("If I say something about cliche, it makes it OK to use a bunch of cliches")

Poem is partly "we are so clever" but then seems to betray the speaker's genuine investment in garden variety self-pity and hackneyed "fiery affair" tropes. So the efforts at cleverness are ultimately unconvincing.

First stanza maybe the best, simple and feels real. Good rhythm. Evocative image and convincing vernacular l

S2-4 very hard to stay interested. Ready to tune out by end of S4. Speaker has convinced me I don't want to put my fate in their hands. They will say something boring and irritating like "the twitch of your hips sang with lust."

The "most of the time" digression is another highlight, though. Whenever the speaker becomes more conversational and less woebegone confessional, I get more interested. Maybe follow that energy and ditch some of the more melodramatic whiny bits.

Appreciate it, but this is just me and my thoughts, slightly intoxicated

Not sure how to receive this comment. Should I not bother investing time in offering critique on your poems? Are you just posting here to vent?

Technically, the Misc section is a non critical forum, and it’s ok to post there and not care about feedback.
As long as the trickle doesn’t become a flood, it’s ok.

@HarryD - think about what you want out of the forum, though.

[Harryd]

Appreciate it, but this is just me and my thoughts, slightly intoxicated

Not sure how to receive this comment. Should I not bother investing time in offering critique on your poems? Are you just posting here to vent?

Technically, the Misc section is a non critical forum, and it’s ok to post there and not care about feedback.
As long as the trickle doesn’t become a flood, it’s ok.

@HarryD - think about what you want out of the forum, though.

Since I'm not trained or educated in forms of poetry I just come here post what I like to write and hopefully people appreciate it, that's all and I appreciate your feedback also

[busker]

Not sure how to receive this comment. Should I not bother investing time in offering critique on your poems? Are you just posting here to vent?

Technically, the Misc section is a non critical forum, and it’s ok to post there and not care about feedback.
As long as the trickle doesn’t become a flood, it’s ok.

@HarryD - think about what you want out of the forum, though.

Since I'm not trained or educated in forms of poetry I just come here post what I like to write and hopefully people appreciate it, that's all and I appreciate your feedback also

Since you’re not trained or educated etc it would be good to start and make an effort in that direction and actually act upon the feedback to improve your craft
That’s what this site is for. It isn’t Instagram.

[Harryd]

Technically, the Misc section is a non critical forum, and it’s ok to post there and not care about feedback.
As long as the trickle doesn’t become a flood, it’s ok.

@HarryD - think about what you want out of the forum, though.

Since I'm not trained or educated in forms of poetry I just come here post what I like to write and hopefully people appreciate it, that's all and I appreciate your feedback also

Since you’re not trained or educated etc it would be good to start and make an effort in that direction and actually act upon the feedback to improve your craft
That’s what this site is for. It isn’t Instagram.

I improve every day. Many have told me what I write is beautiful,  some dislike. Your opinion is just one of many and by no means the end all. Thanks though

[busker]

My friends think I’m Einstein. Doesn’t mean that I go about spamming the General Relatiivity subreddit while not knowing the first thing about differential equations.

[Harryd]

My friends think I’m Einstein. Doesn’t mean that I go about spamming the General Relatiivity subreddit while not knowing the first thing about differential equations.

Everything is all about perception. Thanks for your comments.

[matsunosuperfan]

My friends think I’m Einstein. Doesn’t mean that I go about spamming the General Relatiivity subreddit while not knowing the first thing about differential equations.

Everything is all about perception. Thanks for your comments.

Well I guess the point is this is a workshop space. You can go to allpoetry.com if you just want to vanity post. Here we are all mutually giving feedback and trying to improve, so it's a bit presumptuous to post with no intention of revision, just to get your work read. In my unofficial opinion.