I should smile more

[matsunosuperfan]

I should smile more

First I hated silence
as I found my own voice
soft and easy
on the ears of those who called me
common and grotesque—

I knew no deformity
except that like them, I was hungry
after every scrap of love
that falls down 
off the truck.

Then I hated speech
because my words were useless
salted water
running from a stranger's face
who knew just what I was—

the ocean understands
even when I'm thirsty, raving
in the folds of blue immensity
I can't contain
forever.

Now I am alone, people
surround me
holding crooked hands
up to their eyes
as if they might see something
like the sun!

[busker]

I should smile more ... writing in the first person makes this poem hard to read, with all the whingeing

First I hated silence
as I found my own voice
soft and easy
on the ears of those who called me
common and grotesque—  ... S1 dials up the self pity to 10,000

I knew no deformity
except that like them, I was hungry
after every scrap of love
that falls down 
off the truck.  ... 'hungry for love', 'scraps of love' - nope

Then I hated speech
because my words were useless
salted water  ... there's a full stop implied after 'useless', but words as useless salted water would also be an interesting, if odd and potentially illogical, metaphor  
running from a stranger's face
who knew just what I was— 

the ocean understands
even when I'm thirsty, raving
in the folds of blue immensity ... 'blue immensity' - nope
I can't contain
forever.

Now I am alone, people
surround me
holding crooked hands
up to their eyes ... I like this
as if they might see something
like the sun!

A difficult one. I'm sure it can be salvaged with the right framing (third person instead of second, perhaps, with a serious cutting down of the teen girl angst).

[matsunosuperfan]

I should smile more ... writing in the first person makes this poem hard to read, with all the whingeing

First I hated silence
as I found my own voice
soft and easy
on the ears of those who called me
common and grotesque—  ... S1 dials up the self pity to 10,000

I knew no deformity
except that like them, I was hungry
after every scrap of love
that falls down 
off the truck.  ... 'hungry for love', 'scraps of love' - nope

Then I hated speech
because my words were useless
salted water  ... there's a full stop implied after 'useless', but words as useless salted water would also be an interesting, if odd and potentially illogical, metaphor  
running from a stranger's face
who knew just what I was— 

the ocean understands
even when I'm thirsty, raving
in the folds of blue immensity ... 'blue immensity' - nope
I can't contain
forever.

Now I am alone, people
surround me
holding crooked hands
up to their eyes ... I like this
as if they might see something
like the sun!

A difficult one. I'm sure it can be salvaged with the right framing (third person instead of second, perhaps, with a serious cutting down of the teen girl angst).

This poem suuuucks thanks for finding something hopeful to say about it <3 I have traded specificity for abstract whinging. Appreciate being reminded this rarely works.

[rbamssy]

Okay, here we go.

I should smile more
                                        
First I hated silence
as I found my own voice
soft and easy
on the ears of those who called me
common and grotesque—
              I actually really like this stanza, it's surprisingly relatable to be called common, even if by yourself in your own mind and grotesque is a nice contrast
I knew no deformity
except that like them, I was hungry            (is this the same them from before? it feels detached almost)
after every scrap of love
that falls down 
off the truck.
                 
Then I hated speech                      (I like the callback to the first stanza)
because my words were useless
salted water
running from a stranger's face
who knew just what I was—

the ocean understands
even when I'm thirsty, raving
in the folds of blue immensity
I can't contain
forever.

Now I am alone, people
surround me
holding crooked hands
up to their eyes
as if they might see something
like the sun!

Sorry if this isn't as thought out as you'd like. I've only just joined this site. Overall I like this poem a lot, it brings up a lot of emotions from my sophomore year of HS, which I didn't quite enjoy but it's productive to reminisce on I think.

[matsunosuperfan]

Okay, here we go.

I should smile more
                                        
First I hated silence
as I found my own voice
soft and easy
on the ears of those who called me
common and grotesque—
              I actually really like this stanza, it's surprisingly relatable to be called common, even if by yourself in your own mind and grotesque is a nice contrast
I knew no deformity
except that like them, I was hungry            (is this the same them from before? it feels detached almost)
after every scrap of love
that falls down 
off the truck.
                 
Then I hated speech                      (I like the callback to the first stanza)
because my words were useless
salted water
running from a stranger's face
who knew just what I was—

the ocean understands
even when I'm thirsty, raving
in the folds of blue immensity
I can't contain
forever.

Now I am alone, people
surround me
holding crooked hands
up to their eyes
as if they might see something
like the sun!

Sorry if this isn't as thought out as you'd like. I've only just joined this site. Overall I like this poem a lot, it brings up a lot of emotions from my sophomore year of HS, which I didn't quite enjoy but it's productive to reminisce on I think.

Thank you for reading. All feedback is useful, and yours certainly is. Welcome and have fun!