Sketches of Pampánga

[RiverNotch]

Sketches of Pampánga


I beam at the sight
of black Aráyat rising
amidst golden fields.

When the river swells,
frogs dance in muddy water
or their legs in oil.

Pinatúbo's wrath
levelled cherished homes where now
the taláhib blooms.

With Christmas come lamps
coiled into colorful wheels,
distracting drivers.

[lucienne24]

Sketches of Pampánga


I beam at the sight  ||  unsure how i feel about this opening. the speaker doesn't maintain a presence in any of the other sketches, and i don't think their smiling does much to establish a mood/the stark black & gold contrast in the landscape
of black Aráyat rising
amidst golden fields. || also i am an "amidst" hater in most contexts. subjective opinion, skill diff, etc.

When the river swells,
frogs dance in muddy water
or their legs in oil. || ugh almost an awesome turn/use of zeugma but i think it lands clunkily because specifying "their legs" breaks the parallel structure (though i do like how the l sounds in the last line fit with your choice of "swells" in the first). not sure how you'd fix it within syllable limits, admittedly

Pinatúbo's wrath
levelled cherished homes where now
the taláhib blooms. || probably the haiku i feel the most unsure about. i think "cherished homes" feels too detached for me for some reason? or maybe you can get more emotional impact out of this sketch by starting with the taláhib and then revealing the history behind the land? i also looked up what taláhib was and i'm sure that fields of it in certain light must be quite striking. any way you can incorporate more sensory imagery here?

With Christmas come lamps
coiled into colorful wheels,
distracting drivers. || good ending i think. i like the quietly playful tone of this haiku

overall i liked these! take anything i say with a grain of salt because A.) i rarely write haikus myself and B.) i am brand new here and still learning how to critique! thanks for sharing

[matsunosuperfan]

Sketches of Pampánga


I beam at the sight     "I beam" doesn't work for me, who describes themselves like that?
of black Aráyat rising
amidst golden fields.  "amidst" distracts me every time, line is difficult to say aloud

When the river swells,
frogs dance in muddy water   don't frogs do this all the time?
or their legs in oil.    clever move, but execution could be improved

Pinatúbo's wrath
levelled cherished homes where now  wrath doesn't level anything. This stanza feels overcooked
the taláhib blooms.    Using blooms for grass is a strong choice. As an outsider, having to stop and look this up really took me out of the poem. 

With Christmas come lamps    such a weak line! And right when we need the opposite!
coiled into colorful wheels,        cool sound but idk what to picture, again as an outsider - how do you coil a lamp?
distracting drivers.                      so deflatory, but of what? I was almost pissed that the poem ends so meekly

Pretty good movement, and with the exception of the notably flat last stanza, the haiku cohere. Whether this is a thing that should be done with haiku is another question. I think it's a compelling effect.

Find the strict adherence to 5-7-5 distracting however. This makes me think of people who just found out about haiku, which I know does not describe the author. 

The muddy water/oil zeugma is not working. It's very clunky and so fails to shiver. And it screams "look, I did a thing" as a further result of that awkwardness. 

I feel like there is a cool tension here between narrative and anti-narrative that could maybe be explored even more intently. I also feel there's pregnant meaning coming from cultural references that are missing me. Not sure how much of that is my fault or the poem's so I leave it to the poet to decide